SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have posted on here once before, to explain a bit about my history and some reservations I've had. Well now it seems like all my concerns were not so far fetched. I just so happened to check in on my wife to find her in a private voice conversation with someone she had promised me she was not going to speak with anymore. Her defense was that she just wanted a friend and that it was purely benign.

What I don't understand is how someone can sit there and attempt to justify behavior that had already been addressed as wrong, and hurtful, then to continue on that path and be shocked that it turns out poorly. This isn't some oopsie, didn't know any better situation. This guy clearly fit the profile of the type of man to avoid. Single, flirty, always being overly flattering to her. I warned her to stay away, and she agreed that it was not a good situation to be in. Yet here we are.

I feel like a fool for trusting this woman. I feel so disgusted for thinking that giving another chance was the right call. I don't really need any advice or anything, I just wanted to let some of my frustration out with words because I am stuck at work and have to pretend like everything is just fine and dandy. To those you who also have to deal with the pain and trauma involved in betrayal, I mourn with you. Life can really suck sometimes.

Check your phone records. See how often she's calling this guy.

Typically, when someone posts once or twice,and disappears for a long time,then comes back,like you have,they left because they either couldn't handle the advice they were getting,or they rugswept.

Rugsweeping also Typically leads to another dday. You've had another dday.

I hope you stick around this time, and soak up the excellent advice,and support you will receive.

Don't let this go. She got caught,and now she is lying saying she didn't think it would be a big deal,when she knew it would be a big deal.

Putting a var in the car might be a good idea,before you confront any further. It might help you understand exactly what your are dealing with.

Edited to add..I just read your previous posts. She's a serial cheater. You've caught her in many,many affairs. This is who she is. She will pretend to be sorry,then continues to cheat. This won't change. You know that. You need to detach, 180,and consider dropping her in the this mess she's made. You deserve to be happy.

A year ago,you said she was a different woman. Had changed her ways. You now know she just got better at hiding them. She is still the same woman.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:07 PM, Monday, June 27th]

Sorry you are dealing with a breach of NC.

That's a dagger that's hard to take.

There are some types of people who just do not make good relationship partners. People with borderline personality disorder, other cluster-B type personality disorders, compulsive liars etc. It seems from your posts that maybe your wife is one of those.

In any event, you have been through this multiple times before. How many times are enough?

I'm so sorry.

It doesn't sound like you're looking for advice, maybe just a little support.

So: yeah, that's a very clear boundary violation. You described it well; it's not an 'oopsie', it was a deliberate, calculated betrayal of your trust and a clear signal of how little your happiness and wellbeing matter to her.

You're not over-reacting. This isn't a court of law; you don't need to wait until you 'catch her' after something has escalated to a physical affair.

Please remember that this very likely has nothing to do with you. Some people just need constant validation, and you can't get that from the same person showing you over and over again how much they love you. That's just one person. Some people are (sadly, tragically) broken inside, and need to get validation from person after person after person. You could literally be plucked directly from her imagination, the perfect lover, the perfect husband-- and it still wouldn't alleviate the need for her to get attention elsewhere.

I'm rooting for you, however you decide to proceed. Please, please, please remember that you deserve to be happy, and to be loved. There isn't a giant "do over" reward at the end of your life, just because you sacrificed your happiness for someone you love. You've got one life, and making sacrifices in the right circumstances can be noble and honorable and fulfilling; but being unhappy because you try to 'gut it out' or 'fix' someone who isn't a safe spouse for you (and can't or won't become a safe spouse) isn't one of those situations.

Please make sure that you are making you and your well being and your kids well being the priority. A mother and wife that likes to have A's and get spend time, energy, and money on things other than her family, is not the priority.

Please see an Attorney.
Please get an STD test, and stop having sex with her.
Please know that NOTHING you do or do not do will fix her, or this situation. The only person you are in control of is you. So do just that be kind to you. Make sure you are sleeping, and eating, and if you are struggling with those things see your Dr and get help.

Also get yourself a Therapist that specializes in trauma, and abuse. You have years of trauma to undo, and heal.

Keep reading, and keep posting. Don't run away, there are lots of really great people here that have walked the road you are currently on. Learn from our mistakes, and thrive on making healthy choices for yourself.

So what are you going to do with this new found info?

Taking a moment to respond to those that have replied to this post. I'm not really sure what I intended to get out of this other than just some form of release from being able to write out some of my frustrations. I definitely appreciate every single one of the responses, from the simple support, to the advice, and even the reminders that I am the one who needs to ultimately choose what to do for myself. Pity isn't going to help. Making the same mistakes won't help. This doesn't mean I really know what to do just yet. I know it will have to be serious, and at the very least involve a physical separation. I do not want to do anything until I can sit down and map out a less emotional and more logical approach. There is so much involved, but I know now that doing anything less than makin a drastic change will not have any effect. I will continue to read and listen to others, and proceed as best as I can.

I agree with justastatistic that she is not able to remain monogamous. Who knows why. This world is made up of all sorts and occasionally you see a man or woman who have no ability to form deep emotional connections. It is nothing you did, or did not do. This is beyond a simple trip to a therapist. This is just who she is.

Get your ducks in a row, with trips to a lawyer and your dr for screening. After that sit down and look at finances. I always tell people to just do the next thing. So don’t be overwhelmed with the big picture right now. You just need to start with the first thing on your list.

Sorry you're here mate.

She promised she wouldn't talk to this guy huh? Looks like she doesn't give a shit about what she promised you.

Are you married, kids, own a house or business together? Does she work?

If they have kept in contact all that time after addressing this very issue and you just now happened to catch her, it could point to a full blown A, while you decide your next steps make an appointment with your doctor and get tested for STDs, just in case.

Mafayu,

Being betrayed and lied to is one of life's most difficult and painful situations.

I, as well as most everyone else on this forum, can empathesize with what you are dealing with. Your wife is lying, deceiving and probably a lot more than that.

My XWW sounds like your wife. I know of at least two physical affairs and one or two EAs. I suspected more.

There was no curing my XWW, she had to be removed from my life. I don't know if your situation warrants divorce but you will make those kinds of decisions in the future.

I wish you the best of luck and please know you are among friends and supporters.

Your other post you said THREE PAs and SEVEN EAs. That you know of. She's a serial cheater.

Please find your self-respect and seek out a shark attorney. What makes you stay? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

This woman is toxic and will never be faithful. You and your children deserve better.

[This message edited by annb at 11:22 AM, Tuesday, June 28th]

After reading your posts here and your previous posts, I wanted to share this perspective.

Even if the recent breach of trust (communication with someone who had been agreed on as a no-go) hadn't occurred, it's okay to leave just because you realize that--after all this time--you still don't trust her, you're not happy, this isn't a marriage you want to continue to invest time and energy in, too much muddy water under the bridge. There doesn't need to be a new cheating event to draw the line and say, "I'm done."

With that said, considering this new event, remember that a new breach of trust doesn't have to be epic to cause you to draw a line.

I worry that sometimes betrayed spouses have taken big gut punches (figuratively speaking) and chosen to stay. So then, when smaller breaches happen later, we have trouble feeling justified--even to ourselves--in responding to those "smaller" breaches by leaving.

Yet, making that decision is valid.

It's okay to say "Enough!" and decide that our best chance at peace and joy is without being in a relationship with someone we don't/can't trust to have safe boundaries.

Sending support to you no matter what you decide.

Well put BreakingBad.

"I worry that sometimes betrayed spouses have taken big gut punches (figuratively speaking) and chosen to stay. So then, when smaller breaches happen later, we have trouble feeling justified--even to ourselves--in responding to those "smaller" breaches by leaving."

Man, that really does sound like some of my thought process if I am honest with myself. As a matter of fact I feel like this very mindset has been used against me in the past. "It wasn't physical so it's not that bad" and other poor justifications. Yesterday when I saw those two talking together I was overwhelmed not just with sickness for the situation but with a flood of terrible memories of situations that had already occurred.

This has really given me something to think on. Could what I consider kindness really just be weakness and fear of standing up for myself? This hurts to think about but it must be considered. Thank you for bringing this up.

I can't tell you if you are being kind and gracious or weak and foolish. Certainly I have felt both ways in R.

What I can tell you is that I see R as a process, and that at any time I can change my mind and decide to leave. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself. I'm not afraid to end the M if the conditions warrant it, or I just decide I've made a mistake in attempting R.

That's the uncertainty my wife lives with since breaking my trust.

I've had many D days. The first one occurred before I was even married to her, but involved a pregnancy and a bunch of poor life choices. In total I've dealt with 3 PAs and about 7 more EAs over 10 years. Every time I thought I was at my limit, someone or something forced me to give it another go.

Mafayu- I hope you love yourself enough to finally walk away. A better life awaits you on the otherside. Whatever it is that is holding you back, you need to face that head on. As someone whose gone through infidelity, ate the shit sandwich and walked in your shoes, I can tell you that life on the other side is a whole lot better. No one can make you leave, you're going to have to white knuckle through this and believe that things will be better. Don't let fear keep you in your place.

This isn't some oopsie, didn't know any better situation.

Affairs never are. Cheaters certainly like to pretend they are, though.

Get out, for your own good. While you're still thinking clearly.

You'll find someone else.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:32 AM, Wednesday, June 29th]