"time to make a decision"
I know its been a bit, but I just wanted to take a look at everything in this thread again now that I've had time to really let my emotions relax bit and thinking about things more logically. I again want to thank everyone who took the time to post something either as a hard truth, an encouraging word, or just a nod of understanding.
I am currently in the process of a separation. The goal is to move out, however there will be some time before that can happen. In the meantime I have taken up residence in the rear bedroom. I am just trying to make sure I remain respectful to her, and also to enforce my own boundaries. She is claiming remorse and understanding, but that has been pretty common in all of our previous situations. That is one reason I've always fallen back into the reconciliation trap. I believed her every time she swore that she was done doing these things to me. I believed each time that now, she finally gets it. And there was certainly some small period of what looked like real growth. Yet, here I am again.
I am terrified of being alone, and I am weak when it comes to protecting myself. I do understand, however, that I can overcome these issues if I really make the effort. I think that is one of the things that really shows the heart is that you put in effort for the things you desire. When I take a moment to look at our internet search history over the last week, its pretty clear what is important to each of us. My wife's history is full of work related stuff, and Facebook, and streaming shows. She is clearly concerned for her wellbeing atm, which is understandable to a degree. My internet history is affair recovery resources, biblical counseling, and google search rabbit trails looking for answers and advice.
Everything is finally adding up for me that no matter how badly I want to make something work between us, nothing good can ever come from a relationship where one spouse not only shatters the marriage, but refuses to really put in any true effort to fix it. All I can really do is try to break this cycle of hurting myself in order to protect someone who doesn't care much at all in return. Oh she'll tell me she loves me, that I mean everything to her, and that she doesn't want us to separate. Do those words really mean anything without action to back them up? I believed them before, and now I get to reap the harvest of my foolishness. It would make sense that going forward, I refrain from believing anything spoken that isn't backed up with real action. So, here is hoping I do just that.
Could she still make a genuine change and become a safe person? I believe it can happen. I just know those changes would take much time, and extreme effort. I cannot wait around hoping for that in the meantime. Not again.