SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend and a lovely start to your summer. Make sure you spend lots of quality time with family and friends during the warm weather. I apologize for not updating sooner. Unfortunately for me, my summer has not been off to such a great start. I need advice because I feel like I have nowhere to turn lately.

As some of you already know, I’ve had quite the bad year at my teaching job. This year has probably been the worst one yet. I’ve been employed as a teacher for a total of 30 years with the district, 23 as a full-time teacher (it took me 7 years of substitute teaching for the district before I was offered a full-time position as a permanent teacher). They did not renew my position for next year. I was told it is because they do not have enough positions for science teachers due to projected student enrollment, and they need the existing biology teacher to also teach chemistry too. I am certified in biology and math, not chemistry. Thus, I am still technically employed with the district but currently do not know where I will be sent to teach next fall, and must go through a process called site selection to find a school with a vacant position for a teacher in my certification area. I’ve been interviewing at various schools, all schools that I would not choose to work at, just to have something. So far not one school has offered me a position. This means I will now have to wait until almost the end of summer to be called down to the school district office to pick a school with remaining teacher vacancies from a list. The district calls teachers down in order of seniority, so at least that works to my advantage since I have 30 years seniority. But I fear the only vacancies left will be at less desirable schools. Already the only schools with openings are mostly faraway or undesirable schools. I liked where I worked before because it was only a 5 minute drive from my house. I’ve worked and befriended teachers who went through this nightmare process before. Usually being force transferred and going through the site selection process results in getting transferred to a worse, not better, school than before. I’ve had a hard enough year…what’s next??!

I am hoping to get transferred to this one school, we’ll call it XYZ High School, which is further away than this last school but still a relatively short drive, 15-20 minutes. It is still in the same part of the city where I live. It is the least bad of the places remaining with science teacher vacancies. I keep checking the updated vacancy list on the school district’s site selection portal. A lot of positions keep disappearing, which means they’ve already filled spots with teachers. Only the less desirable schools are left, and then there’s XYZ High School.

When staff and students caught word that I was not coming back next year, they became very disrespectful and dismissive to me. Students started telling me they were refusing to do my work or the projects I assigned because "whatever, what can you do about it, you’re not going to be here much longer anyway" or they’d say "we don’t have to listen to you, you’re already getting fired I heard". Even though I was not actually fired (although at times it sure felt like it). The dean started ignoring my detention slips that I would submit to him for students to serve after school detention. The principal started being more curt with me. It was almost like people figured they didn’t have to pretend to be nice to me anymore because it didn’t matter since I was leaving anyway. And then there’s my workplace bully, Mr. Trout, who I suspect might be behind me getting force transferred out, if in fact there was any ulterior reason for my forced transfer. He spends at least 2 HOURS after school each day hanging around the building, chit chatting and hanging out in the (female) principal’s office, playing principal’s pet. For a while he stopped doing that after the principal called him on his BS in front of the entire school staff at a full staff meeting last year, but then in recent months he started hanging out in her office again. He would also hang around the copy room and ridicule me, falsely accuse me of helping my students "cheat" on the citywide test, etc. He said the only reason my students didn’t score well on the citywide test was because I put wrong answers on the cheat sheet I made for them because he thinks I don’t know the subject I teach. He has said so many defaming, hurtful things to me. He got ruder than ever after word got out that I was transferred out.

Even the janitor got rude with me. She started yelling at me in the last year for staying late. She claimed I was a burden to her because she would have to wait to lock up the building because I was still there. As if she knows the stress I go through with this job or the mountain of paperwork I’d have each day. In the last few weeks, she started scolding me and talking really nasty to me in general, and told me I was responsible for cleaning out my classroom and the large walk-in lab closet. She said she had already reported me to the principal for not cleaning out my room. I had plenty of paperwork deadlines to work on that prevented me from fully cleaning it out. Even my friend/former colleague questioned the irony of the janitor telling me I have to clean, said cleaning is the janitor’s job. Then the principal approached me and confirmed that I have to clean my entire classroom because it was my classroom all these years. The janitor was very rude to me. It’s like she didn’t even remember all the times I was super nice to her when she had her cancer scare a few years back, how I’d spend some of my after school time listening to her vent and I’d comfort her amidst her scare. Now she acts like we never had that bonding experience.

I stayed until at least 8pm each day for the last week after all the grades and everything were finalized, organizing and cleaning out my room and getting other administrative tasks in order. I had a ton of extra work caused by this forced transfer. Usually the posting of final grades marked the end of teacher tasks for the year aside from the usual basic cleanup. Instead, I had more work than ever. Other teachers got to party and celebrate end of year while I was stuck staying behind each night later than ever. They also put extra tasks on me. For example, the district’s psychologist – who does the psych exams, IQ testing, and special ed reevaluations on students – sent me 6 student input forms, multiple pages each, the day after grades were finalized. I had to dig through everything to supply data on each of these students to her. Then the principal told me that I had to put together ESY (summer school) science packets for students in the school’s ESY program. Basically I’m doing half the work involved with ESY, even though I’m not teaching ESY or getting the extra pay that comes with it. My work felt like it never ended.

The last day of school a few days ago was the absolute worst for me. Everyone got to leave early at 12pm except me. I stayed the latest I ever did, until almost 8:30pm. The principal said people who had their end-of-year to-do checklist completed and signed for approval from her could leave. But everyone else had to stay until it was done. More than half the teachers left immediately. She refused to sign mine because the janitor had complained that it was too much work to clean out my classroom, said I had to be the one to clean it out. Finally after 4pm, the principal said she was leaving but to drop off my to-do list under her office door and that she would have the janitors confirm that my room was cleaned out. I stayed until I got everything done because the last thing I want is a write-up for noncompliance at a time that I’m desperately trying to get accepted into another school placement. During site selection, new schools definitely check references with former placement’s principal.

On that last day (a staff-only day) we had our usual last day of the school year staff meeting. The principal gave her usual round of shout-outs. She gave shout-outs to every other teacher who was retiring, leaving the profession, or leaving the school. Except me. She forgot to acknowledge me. I guess leaving the school involuntarily doesn’t count for a shout-out. She gave two teachers shout-outs and award certificates for perfect attendance. Yet when I had perfect attendance last year, I never got such a thing.

After school on that last day when I was in the middle of cleaning my classroom lugging some of the classroom items to my car, I encountered my bully Mr. Trout. He was in his car driving out. He pulled his car up aside me in the parking lot. He started talking to me, so I did the polite thing and conversed, hoping maybe he’d help me carry my boxes. He didn’t. Instead, he told me that he heard I was trying to get into XYZ High School and that he thinks it’s a bad idea. He said I would never survive there, that I don’t have nearly the classroom management skills to handle the kids there. He said I should just give up teaching altogether. He acted concerned at first (probably fake) then quickly turned backhandedly insulting and then more insulting. He said any school I transfer to will be harder than this one was for me. I said defeatedly, "What difference does it make, it seems you got what you wanted by ridding this school of me anyway." He then told me I should just quit teaching because I’ll never make it to my retirement or get my earned pension. (I’m eligible to retire in 5 years) He told me I should just give up and get a menial job, maybe work at a nursing home because at least that job will provide health benefits. Whatever. Why the heck would I go work for minimum wage doing the very type of work I detested doing when my elderly parents were still alive and obligated me to care for them full-time? And worse, possibly work alongside some of my graduated 18-year-old allied health pathway students who had disrespected me so badly when they were in my class? Besides, I hate nursing homes and hospitals, as I find them depressing and I cannot stand bodily fluids. That’s the whole reason I switched majors away from nursing in college, even when it meant jumping through hoops to do so. How could he suggest such a thing?

I ended up staying later than ever that night. I was literally the last person to leave, except the janitors, who thankfully were there late because the district sent in an extra crew for overnight due to the deep cleaning required for end-of-year cleanup. When I got home, I was too exhausted to even go to the gym. Then the next day I had to finish the special ed input forms the psychologist said were so urgent, and the day after that I had another site selection interview for a school I didn’t really want to work in that did not lead to an offer anyway. So my summer never really started until two days after my last day. I have spent the last couple of days sleeping in and trying to make up for the sleep debt I had from the last few weeks. I haven’t felt well. Meanwhile, my former colleague friend seems annoyed with me because I didn’t meet up with her after school the week before to celebrate her end of her unhappy teaching career (she’s changing job fields after her own bad experience working for the school district). She tells me I’m "chicken" and I need to stand up better to my boyfriend R and to my job. Maybe I do. But even though she can probably relate better to me on work stress than most, even she hasn’t had the extent of stress and extra burdens that I’ve dealt with this year.

That is the end of my long vent. How can I enjoy my summer when I don’t even know if my employment is guaranteed in the fall? How can I really have a summer when I have to schedule all these seemingly go-nowhere interviews? What can I do for stress relief? Also, am I really all that wrong to turn down my friend’s requests to go out and "meet people"?

I’m so sorry you have had to go through all of this. It all sounds so familiar to me. My sister retired from teaching several years ago. Her last few years she had to endure being pressured, being ostracized, having a greater load of work put on her so that she would retire.

(I thought, with her, and maybe with you as well, that all of the poor treatment and extra work might be the intention for the bad treatment…that you would leave teaching early and not get your retirement benefits. Or maybe that the terrible people in the world assume they can treat you badly because with you on your way out of that facility, perhaps the powers that be would not take your bad situation quite so seriously if you complained.). Just a thought.

Despite all of the multiple things that I worry about and sometimes overreact to, I am a firm believer that you will find your niche. And, happily… It will only have to be for five years.

I’m just sorry that it is so tough getting there.

1. Let go of all of the hurts and resentments from your last school. There is a silver lining to not being rehired. You don't have to continue in what for you was a negative work environment. Be happy about that. Really. Kick your feet up this summer and say adios to the negative Nellies at your past school, both staff and students.

2. Set boundaries, and do NOT socialize with people who abuse you. By socialize, I mean, even chatting. So that means that if someone like Mr. Trout is nearby, you politely ignore him- nothing that would make a scene, just not engaging with him. If he talks to you first, you give a polite one word response and go back to politely ignoring him. That will keep you from being verbally abused the way he verbally abused you in the parking lot. As you described that incident, I kept thinking, "Why is she having a casual conversation with her bully?" Maintain boundaries against people who mistreat you, and you will find that the mistreatment decreases.

3. Your experience at whatever school you land at won't be worse than what you were just dealing with. Even if it's a very challenged student population, you'll have the advantage of not having anyone on staff actively disliking you, as you'll be new. That is a much more positive situation to be in, than what you just left. So you can genuinely look forward to next year.

4. If you are assigned to a challenged school, look at it in a positive way. It won't be easy, but neither was your last school, so don't focus on how hard it will be. Instead, focus on how you might be able to help a needy child who is also disadvantaged by having to attend that school. Keep in mind the fact that you and your students are in the same boat, having to go to a school they wouldn't have chosen if you had your pick of schools. Use that common experience to gain empathy for your students and build bonds with them. Good teacher-student relationships come from the empathy and caring that the teacher shows to the students. Let them see that you care. Emphasize that over punitive discipline.

5. Get some R'n'R this summer. It depends on what you can afford, what you can do, but you can absolutely take weekend getaway trips, 3-night cruises, etc., in the midst of a summer job search. Treat yourself to a mini-vacation.

6. You absolutely will make it to retirement. You've lasted 30 years, which means you're in it for the long haul. Stay positive, and most importantly, take feedback from well-meaning supervisors/co-workers about your work, and then follow through on the feedback. Your biggest weakness is that you tend not to take the advice that you ask for. Stop that pattern, and begin actually following well-meaning advice from knowledgeable people (note those important qualifiers: bulles are not well-meaning, and knowledgeable people have to know about the subject at hand- that means you ignore Mr. Trout about everything, and you ignore the unemployed guy you're dating when he advises you about resumes.)

It also means you should please listen to my advice, because I'm a fellow teacher, successful in my field, and have also been in bad relationships, so I understand a lot of what you're going through and have very constructive advice.

7. Read The First Days of School by Harry Wong, which is an excellent classroom management guide. Put his suggestions into practice in the fall. You'll have a better year than you've had in years, no matter what school you're placed at.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:58 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

Thank you for your thoughtful concern. I agree that teaching has gotten way more difficult and more work in recent years.

I remember years ago when the job felt so much easier. Teaching has never come easily for me, and I still stayed hours after school each day, but not nearly as late as I've been staying in recent years. Classes were smaller, the students were more polite, and we didn't have all of the extra "busy work". We just had to write lesson plans, plan curriculum materials, and put together grades. We didn't have all of the data input forms, student learning objectives, and completing a spreadsheet of data analysis by educational standards for every midterm and final exam that we are now required to give.

I remember around 15 years ago, when teaching was easier, I would be out the door by around 4:30pm, 5pm tops. There was this one woman, a math teacher who admittedly was kind of homely looking and frumpy, who would stay until 6 or 7pm every single night. She would literally bring her microwavable dinner with her to work each day. I would be in the copy room getting the last of my papers photocopied for the following school day, and she would come in to use the microwave to heat up her dinner before going back to her classroom where she'd stay for hours on end. I admit I used to secretly silently laugh to myself about all her overwork. But she was smart, and invented the envelope-box system for consolidating and organizing our interim reports that were to get mailed out to parents (a system my one colleague friend seems to have hated and thought was terrible and low-tech, but it was the first system to actually be put in place, as we had no unified system before that for sending out interims). All her smarts and hard work paid off, because she ended up landing a job at one of the plush, much higher paid suburban school districts and eventually left our school for that. Lucky her. I'm sure she's making quite a high salary now and succeeding in whatever school she ended up in.

Meanwhile, I've in essence become her -- older, still unmarried with no kids, staying very late every single school day -- but even worse, because I don't even have the respect or recognition that comes along with the hard work. I feel so jaded! I feel like I've worked so hard my whole life with little to nothing to show for it. I must get through the next 5 years so I can at least get my well deserved retirement pension. Who else will take care of me someday if not for my pension? I have no family. I have no husband, no kids, no living parents, and the only relative I have any contact anymore with is my younger brother who stopped talking to me altogether when I didn't attend his wife's father's funeral. I feel so devalued and depleted on all the good things in life.

Please read my previous post about how to have a good summer and good school year next year. I'm worried you might not notice it as you already posted another long post after it.

OP, your family of origin is toxic, and is likely the cause of your social problems. I'm sorry that was the case for you but it's reality. If you want to learn about how to get into positive and meaningful relationships, I recommend you get therapy, and summer would be an excellent time to start.

There is nothing bad about having therapy. Many people on SI have been in it. Many famous, extremely successful people have been in it. You're resistant to it, and that's why nothing changes for you. If you want change and improvement in your personal life, you NEED to get into therapy.

That is not an insult in any way. There is no shame in needing help. I recommend therapy because I care about you.

Morning Glory, thank you so much for your contribution. I would like to reclarify and answer a few things in your post if that is okay with you.

1. I hope to "let go" of the bad from the past. I like to consider myself to be a very forgiving person. I also really hope to enjoy this summer. However, it is very hard to leave it behind me when I still have to draw upon my recent work experiences at these site selection interviews in answer to the interviewers questions. I also worry immensely that I will end up at an even worse placement than I came from. As much as I do not want to, I feel I will be living in fear this entire summer until I get a placement and actually start there and see what it is like. I really do feel that this forced transfer has already ruined my summer for me, preemptively.

2. Do you think Mr. Trout was committing abuse? I am honestly surprised by your take on the situation. I always thought abuse was much, much worse than that, and physical. Of course I don't like how he talks to me, but I guess that time I thought he didn't have anything else left to say to me. After all, why would be start trouble with me if he already got what he wanted all along, which was for me to get in essence kicked out? Why would he take the time to belittle me when his summer vacation was just beginning? I admit I started conversing back with him because I really didn't think he was going to be rude and belittling. I thought maybe this was my chance to get an apology from him or even some help carrying my boxes to my car, the way he helped our female colleague the other day.

3. I really do hope I have a more positive experience at the next school. I do know though that there's always a chance people know other people from the place I came from. For example, Mr. Trout himself told me the other day about how he knows lots of people including a few administrators at XYZ High School and that he's telling them not to recruit me if I go through the interview process. I told him nobody has any say if I pick the school from the list of schools available at the end of summer. He told me not to count on a school in the near-suburban part of the city like XYZ High School to still be available by then. I wonder what he has said to anyone there, now that he knows I've been trying to get selected by them? Who else might people at other schools know? It's a big urban school district but a small world, I've found, where teachers and admins seem to know everyone else in the district seemingly.

4. Thank you, and I do want to show I care. I hope that I can find at least some time this summer to really tap into some of the good things about teaching, like caring. I admit I have come to kind of resent and dislike teenagers in recent years because of how they have treated me at my last job. In fact, my last few jobs have even left me feeling slightly relieved that I never got to have kids of my own, and that's considering that I felt very upset for years about missing the boat on having kids.

5. Thanks, and I would like to do that. A mini vacation sounds great. Usually each year R takes me down to his shore house for the week. I really hope to do that because it is the one thing I look forward to every summer.

6. Thank you for your kind advice. How long have you been teaching? In which subjects? How do you feel the demands of the teaching field have impacted your personal life relationships, particularly your romantic relationships, if any impact?

It sounds as though this profession does not come naturally to you. I’m not saying that you are a bad teacher, but it’s not intuitive.

You seem to struggle with so much - classroom, paperwork and meeting deadlines PLUS a toxic work environment.

For the summer, it may be helpful to get some professional counseling and restore some self esteem. Take some online classes to help you manage your classroom more effectively.

If you take positive steps, hopefully you will see positive outcomes next school year.

I know it’s hard, but don’t dwell on the past. It’s one of the biggest mistakes I make - living in the past and replaying the torture all over again.

Challenge yourself to take positive steps.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:23 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

1. I hope to "let go" of the bad from the past. I like to consider myself to be a very forgiving person.

You don't have to forgive. You can, but don't pressure yourself to. Letting go just means putting it behind you and not thinking about it anymore. Pressuring yourself to deeply forgive people who mistreated you can create unnecessary stress, and that's not what you need. Basic forgiveness takes the form of not trying to get even, and you've accomplished that, so you can move on without trying to forgive them with all of your heart.

2. Do you think Mr. Trout was committing abuse?...After all, why would be start trouble with me if he already got what he wanted all along, which was for me to get in essence kicked out? Why would he take the time to belittle me when his summer vacation was just beginning?

I took you at your word that he has been bullying you for years, and his parking lot conversation with you absolutely was bullying. Telling you that you'd never make it to retirement, and that you should quit and get a menial job instead- can you imagine him talking to you that way in front of your boss or a group of coworkers? Of course not, because that is harassment. Yes, it's abusive. So is a lot of the treatment you tolerate from your family members, the guy you date, etc. That is why I've strongly recommended therapy for you and still recommend it. People who have a history of abuse tend not to recognize abuse for what it is. That's why child abuse victims often end up in abusive relationships as adults.

3. Mr. Trout himself told me the other day about how he knows lots of people including a few administrators at XYZ High School and that he's telling them not to recruit me if I go through the interview process.

He's lying. He's a bully and said that to intimidate you.

4. I do want to show I care.

If you do emphasize caring, even though your classroom might be rowdy, you still will have the goodwill of many students in your class, at least. That will go a long way towards making each school day bearable.

5. A mini vacation sounds great. Usually each year R takes me down to his shore house for the week. I really hope to do that because it is the one thing I look forward to every summer.

Plan and take a trip all by yourself (even if you also go to his beach house). I travel alone sometimes and enjoy it. Don't depend on R to create your vacations, or you'll be setting yourself up for more disappointment and resentment. He's unreliable.

6. Thank you for your kind advice. How long have you been teaching? In which subjects? How do you feel the demands of the teaching field have impacted your personal life relationships, particularly your romantic relationships, if any impact?

I have 20 years experience teaching students from the 3rd - 7th grades, all academic subjects. I have taught in wealthy, middle class and impoverished areas. I have taught extremely difficult classes and easy classes. I've learned to set boundaries with my time, and spend my lunch hour working or doing phone errands rather than chatting at the lounge, and do not volunteer for unpaid extra work (no chaperoning student council, etc.) The one exception is that I do stay after once or twice a week to tutor my very neediest students, but I do so at my discretion only. I do not work long hours after work on a regular basis, as I don't get paid nearly enough to do that. Follow my advice from your previous thread in which I gave several "survival strategies" for teaching if you still need help managing your time at work- the suggestions will help. I'm a single mom (basically- he has a father in his life but his father makes minimal effort or contributions despite our son's special needs), and my romantic relationships have been poor, but that is due to growing up in an abusive/neglectful family of origin, not my career. I'm on SI because two of the main relationships involved me being cheated on. I've since learned to better evaluate a potential partner and to maintain boundaries. My most recent relationship ended last summer (he cheated), and due to my son having a serious illness, I'm not ready to get involved with another man at this time.

[This message edited by morningglory at 5:46 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

For example, Mr. Trout himself told me the other day about how he knows lots of people including a few administrators at XYZ High School and that he's telling them not to recruit me if I go through the interview process. I told him nobody has any say if I pick the school from the list of schools available at the end of summer. He told me not to count on a school in the near-suburban part of the city like XYZ High School to still be available by then. I wonder what he has said to anyone there, now that he knows I've been trying to get selected by them? Who else might people at other schools know? It's a big urban school district but a small world, I've found, where teachers and admins seem to know everyone else in the district seemingly.

Have you considered talking to your HR department about Mr. Trout? Along with the bullying, this is totally unacceptable behavior. It's not OK for him to be contacting people from other schools and bad-mouthing you when you're seeking a new position. At the least, HR needs to give him a warning for harassment. He's creating a toxic work environment, which goes against workplace harassment guidelines. If you can remember specific dates that he spoke to you inappropriately, write them down. You can present your documentation to HR if they ask for it. HR might even intervene in your interview process with XYZ high to determine if Mr. Trout tried to influence your job search. It's really not OK for him to do that and he needs to face consequences. If you feel uncomfortable going this route, you could just make an anonymous inquiry call to HR. Say you're a teacher in the district, describe the situation and ask if the HR rep. thinks there's a reason for a formal complaint. If you have a union rep., you could also make an inquiry to them.

I've worked in the public school system for 20 years as an instructional assistant and substitute teacher. This kind of thing would never fly in my district. We are required to take harassment training every year, and any reports of sexual harassment, a toxic work environment or bullying behavior by staff are taken very seriously.

Also, are your job prospects limited to that one district or can you apply to neighboring districts? My area has lots of districts within a decent commute distance. Teachers and staff can jump between districts, but their state-managed retirement benefits stay intact.

Good luck in getting a new and better position. It sounds like you're in a rough position right now, but I hope you can enjoy your summer, relax and look forward to a new challenge in the fall.

Have you considered a position outside of a school? Some internet-based places may be looking for somebody to develop curriculum for web-based training. You can be teaching without being at a school. Look at training departments at online companies.

I just read your post and am "gobsmacked" (stunned) at how you are being treated. I don't understand your school system so am a bit stunned how educators are treated but it is different here. I work in the education system here and whatever country, most teachers / educators go into the sector because they are passionate about providing young people with the skills and knowledge that will help them navigate their futures. To me, if you are in that field, then you are a role model that instils values that we want for our young people by our own behaviour. So it is awful that your principal and other staff are treating you with such disrespect because you are leaving and it is not even your choice! wow they are really great role models for empathy, compassion, respect NOT!

I think your Mr Troutface is a classic bully boy suck up who has never left school and is really projecting his own fears. This is not about you but about him. Classic like our WS's cheating is about them. Also Troutface is not a career advisor and anyone with any careers practice background would never advise to just get "any job". You have awesome skills from your teaching experience that could of course be useful in other work situations but I would be thinking high skilled roles. I have worked as a career practitioner and worked with teachers wanting to look at other work and what skills they have from their teaching career - not just the specialisation such as science, but management, leadership, organisational, project management...the list is endless.

From a job market perspective, you may have had advice but I thought I would check in whether you have updated your resume to reflect your skills and experience and is it fit for purpose with how teacher resumes are currently being written in your country (every country is a bit different). If you get an automatic right to an interview, maybe get some support with interview skills as it has been a while since you had to find a job. When I haven't got a job after an interview, I ask for feedback from the interviewers about what I could do better. There should be a lot of information to help online even. I also think it is about being very kind to yourself. The way you are being treated makes it so much harder to be positive about new jobs especially when you feel the choice is so narrow and you want to stay in your current job. You are doing the best you can right now and it is hard to be resilient when you are getting treated the way you are.

It is also about what we can control and what we can't control. We can't control arseholes saying crap stuff to us, but we can control how we respond. When people are that shitty, they have a problem not you. Treat yourself with respect and respect the fantastic skills you have. See what job support you can find that is relevant online or in real life to support you finding a new role. As for stress relief, get a dart board and darts and photos of Mr Troutface and others and have fun throwing darts at them. I have done that before and it has been really fun

Have you considered a position outside of a school? Some internet-based places may be looking for somebody to develop curriculum for web-based training.

That isn't a realistic option for OP at this point in her career due to the way teacher retirement works in America. It's basically a pension system, and she has only 5 more years to go to become eligible. If she leaves teaching now, she will be throwing her pension away, and as a single schoolteacher she can't afford to do that. In many areas, teachers don't even participate in Social Security, let alone have private retirement funds. The state retirement system is what teachers bank on for retirement and is a major part of their overall financial compensation for the job.

That's why OP isn't walking away. A teacher who is married to an affluent husband might walk away from an unhappy work situation a few years before retirement, but a single teacher in her right mind will not.

[This message edited by morningglory at 1:46 PM, Monday, June 20th]

Walk away from my district, and teaching? With only 5 years until I get my pension??? No way! I cannot afford to do that! I've paid nearly half of every paycheck as a single With no kids for 30 years now. I cannot afford to live if I do not get this pension. I have no kids, no husband, and no living parents to support me. I NEED this job. I would rather relax this summer and wait to pick from the list of teacher vacancies than throw it all away. Not only that, but I will lose my health benefits too if I quit now.

My biggest regret right now is not applying for sabbatical when I was able to like my former colleague friend (yes, the one who quit teaching entirely recently and always tries to invite me out to bars or clubs with her) advised me to. I really thought all that would do is delay the inevitable, and that I would just end up transferred upon my return. I didn't know that sabbatical, or any other district-approved leave for that matter, legally enforces the school to keep your job for you upon your return. It's called the right to return or something like that. Now I know. Now I feel stupid that I didn't apply. I know I am going to be living in fear the entire summer until I know where I'll be working and how the workplace will be. Great, just my luck. And I really needed this summer to recuperate too.

You know you're actually really lucky and in a good position.
From everything you've said you're at least guaranteed a position. As someone who was made redundant in their 50s I would have been so grateful to be in that situation rather than having to start from scratch. It's really quite difficult for females in my age group to get a decent new job.
So just decided to give it your best wherever you end up. Those children deserve teachers who are fully invested in them and their future.
If it turns out to be somewhere you really don't like when you're there use the year to get into a better position and apply for a new post next year.
I would suggest updating your technical skills at the very least. I suspect most schools expect their staff to have at least a working knowledge of the basics.

Truthfully, I lack all passion for teaching anymore. I am jaded and bitter. I used to think it was an okay job, tolerable at least, but those days are now behind me. The real reason I got into teaching in the first place was because I was forced to make a very fast decision on changing my major away from nursing, which I knew I didn't want to continue or work in. My father was furious at the real possibility of me having to postpone graduation in order to change majors halfway through my Bachelors program. They also were disappointed that I wouldn't become the nurse that my mother had always wanted me to become. My academic advisor told me that with my nursing prerequisite coursework, one of the only majors available that wouldn't necessarily involve postponing college graduation would be education, for either biology or chemistry. I recalled my days at K-12 Catholic school, and how the nuns who taught us always seemed decently happy (I graduated high school in 1987). And I was always a good student who enjoyed learning and getting A's on all my homeworks. So I decided teaching, and chose biology because I really didn't like chemistry at all. But in reality, I really don't feel I'm a sciencey type person. In reality, my favorite subject in school was always English. But I couldn't do that when time was ticking. So I made my change of major, and took on 20-credit semesters plus summer courses just to be able to walk in my graduation in 1991. The last thing I wanted was to disappoint my parents. I had already let them down so much a year earlier when I discovered that my brother and I were adopted. They were so hurt by my desire and curiosity to find my birth mother. Unfortunately, working in the public school district was a huge reality check for me. It was so unlike anything I'd ever experienced as a student. I did try one semester at a Catholic school but the pay was very low and it was a temporary position due to lack of available full-time positions. Whereas the public city school district had more openings, and a guarantee that subbing would eventually lead to a full-time tenured position (little did I know it would take 7 years of subbing; it was harder to get in the door of a permanent tenured position in those days). Thankfully, my 7 years subbing still counts toward my seniority and pension eligibility, so I'm glad I stuck it out so long for a permanent tenured position, if nothing else at least to get pension.

Truthfully, I lack all passion for teaching anymore. I am jaded and bitter. I used to think it was an okay job, tolerable at least, but those days are now behind me.

Don't take that out on your students. It's not fair to them. I suspect one reason you have so many classroom management issues is that you don't really like working with students. You need to change that outlook. Be caring. Look at them and see yourself when you were that age, with your life dominated by your difficult parents. Try to help them achieve a better life than what you got. Doing good for them will improve your mood and raise your self-esteem. You will be able to look in the mirror and think, "I'm making a positive difference in children's lives."

I had already let them down so much a year earlier when I discovered that my brother and I were adopted. They were so hurt by my desire and curiosity to find my birth mother.

You had every right to look for your biological mother. I hope you found her.

<Slight threadjack.>

TJG,

I haven’t ever replied on any of your threads but needed to now. I am a birth mother. I know where my daughter is, can view her Facebook page but have no contact with her because her adoptive father is against it. (I’ve spoken to her adoptive mother about 12 years ago, and it was very clear that she would support the reunion but deferred to her H’s position) It’s a deep, deep wound for me. I’d give anything in the world for just 5 minutes with her,

and I am so sorry that your parents gave you such a hard time.

<End T/J>

I agree with MorningGlory.

For your own sanity you have to change your perceptions. And you can. Choose to act and live love. That doesn’t mean to be a doormat. But you have the opportunity to make a difference in the life of a young person every day. Find those opportunities. It can be hard at first. But here’s a truth I learned a while back. If I wait to feel love before I act, it may or may not ever happen. In my life it has been more likely not to happen. But when I choose to act love, the feelings have followed 100% of the time.

My job has a lot of things that I don’t like right now. There are days that I’d rather be a greeter at Walmart or working the drive thru at McDonald’s than working where I work. (Ironically, as a nurse in a nursing home). When I feel the negative feelings especially strongly, I go and find someone who needs their nails done. I’ll sit down and wash their hands, trim their nails, smooth them with an emery board, rub some nice lotion in, and sing while I’m working. That little act of service never fails to bring back a spirit of love and peace. Or I’ll go gently brush the tangles out of a challenging patient’s hair.

You don’t have to be miserable. But you are the only one who can decide if that’s going to be your life.

Why are you blaming your parents for your choice of career and the disappointment it has brought you? You seem to avoid responsibility for many of your choices. After 30 years, it is not your parents' fault you are unhappy with your profession. I finished college in 7 semesters, so it would have been possible to change your major and still graduate on time. My youngest daughter did this and still finished on time. I get the feeling that you feel you don't have choices, when indeed you do. Certainly I understand staying the last 5 years to get your pension. That is important. But everything else, including where you teach next year, is largely under your control. So what are you going to do to make sure you get the position you want?

You do have a choice. You can choose to work on your professional development this summer. There are many professional development options out there (I work in educational publishing). You can devote some time this summer to exploring how to improve your classroom management skills. You can also explore options for time management, which seems to be a challenge for you. You could also get into IC and figure out why you are in the situation you are and how to get out of it. You could make it a summer of a new you.

Or you could do what you've always done, which means you get what you've always gotten.

Cat

where you teach next year, is largely under your control

There are only limited positions available to start with, she has applied, gotten few interviews and no offers as of yet. She is challenged at writing her resume (that was a separate post) and probably also at interviewing. She can't fix all of those problems in time to get a position, and she can't hire herself, so no, she isn't largely in control of where she will work in the fall.

I finished college in 7 semesters, so it would have been possible to change your major and still graduate on time. My youngest daughter did this and still finished on time.

Not everyone is capable of doing what YOU are capable of doing. THe OP is easily overwhelmed, and this is a life-long pattern for her-she's posted here a lot and has demonstrated that. It is a challenge she is dealing with and requesting help for. Your negative and judging response telling her what she should have done in the past isn't helpful.

Yes, this OP needs therapy and professional development. She also needs emotional support. She hasn't gotten that anywhere- not from her family of origin, not from relationships, not from colleagues. Let's try to give her that here. She shuts down when she gets harsh responses.

I am a birth mother. I know where my daughter is, can view her Facebook page but have no contact with her because her adoptive father is against it. (I’ve spoken to her adoptive mother about 12 years ago, and it was very clear that she would support the reunion but deferred to her H’s position) It’s a deep, deep wound for me. I’d give anything in the world for just 5 minutes with her

Is she an adult or still a teen? I hope you get to meet her eventually.