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New Beginnings :
Family staying in regular contact with ex.

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 TwoDozen (original poster member #74796) posted at 8:48 AM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Just wanted to get the general consensus on this.

2.5 from dday
1year from separation

My family are staying in regular contact with XWGF

I don’t just mean being pleasant when bumping into each other I mean regular texting, popping round for coffee and attending bbqs etc.

I had some great news to share with my mother this morning which I only got last night and she already knew via ex.

Is this normal? Acceptable?

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 405   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8740420
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 9:53 AM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

I am going to take a guess that you, like myself, come from a family where you have been a highly accommodating, flexible member. There is most likely at least one other member, maybe a parent, that was not accommodating or flexible, and your family rotated their lives around pleasing this person. If you were like me, this often went well but sometimes didn't, and then I would be blamed or ridiculed.

This dynamic was hard for me to see until I went to IC, and then it was hard for me to unsee. My family's complete lack of appropriate boundaries in an effort to keep my queen bee mother happy was our norm. We simply caved to her demands because we did not want to feel her cold shoulder.

I recently read that one sure way to know you have grown up in a narcissistic family is when you frequently ask yourself, "Should I be hurt over this behavior? Or am I overreacting?" Which is what caused me to jump to the conclusion that you grew up in a family like mine.

To your question, your family is blatantly and obviously disrespecting you and your feelings by A. continuing a close relationship with someone who hurt you. A healthy family is automatically on your side after relationship ending betrayal, even if they are sad to lose the ex from the family. And B. Even if there was any mitigating factor here, a healthy and respectful family would seek your opinion and approval before embarking on this continued friendship.

Your family didn't do these things. My guess is they have done things like this to you all of your life, disregarding your feelings. And it may even be what allowed you to partner with someone who disregarded your feelings. You are clearly very uncertain as to what feelings you are allowed to have, and that is not healthy. This damage to you came from somewhere.

So, are you ready to stand up for yourself? "You can be friends with anyone you want, but if you choose to remain close to the ex, I cannot continue my close relationship with you. I cannot allow myself to be disrespected in this manner." Can you do that? It was ONLY when I drew this harsh line in the sand with my mother that she stopped stepping on my feelings as if they were non-existent. Oh, first she punished me to test me. She did not speak to me for almost two months. But eventually she got on board with my requirements. I hope your family will do the same.

Please stand up for yourself. Do not tolerate this hurtful disrespect. This should be your call.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:05 AM, Thursday, June 16th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5565   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8740423
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 12:13 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

My H's parents displayed pictures of he and his ex. They also regularly spent time with her. Meanwhile they treated my H horribly because he chose me. They wouldn't speak to me or acknowledge my presence. This went on for years!!

Owingitnow gave good advice. My H was young and afraid to stand up to their manipulative horrible behavior.

You should be their number one priority and concern.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2828   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8740428
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:41 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

I’m sorry you are facing this. The family should not be in contact with XGF. Period.

Funny backstory. I met and dated a guy from 18-21. Initially my parents did not like him (now I see why). He was mean to me - verbally abusive. He drank too much. Nasty temper. Jealous and insecure. You get the picture.

Now I’m 25 and dating my H (who my parents don’t like b/c of skin color). So they start invinting Mr Drink Too Much Angry Guy around to family events in the hope we can "re-unite".

They would rather me be unhappy in a bad relationship with a white guy than happy and treated well in a relationship with a non-white guy. shocked

Your family is wrong in this situation. They just don’t get it. And I doubt they will. And if they "got it" they would continue to act the same way. They are rather selfish IMO.

PS I married the "non-white" guy as my parents called him. None attended the wedding b/c they weren’t invited. They told me they would never attend my wedding if I married him. Whatever.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:46 PM, Monday, June 20th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12171   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740433
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 5:14 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

I had some great news to share with my mother this morning which I only got last night and she already knew via ex.


Just curious how the Ex knew? Assuming it was either something involving a child or something you shared with ex first. If it is not involving a shared child than you are having too much contact with xwgf yourself.

This one is a tough one. Your families bonded over the time you were together. You separated and they didn't. You can't really force thier separation, but you can let them know that it hurts you that they haven't. If that doesn't help, and I suspect it won't or they would not have kept in close contact, you have to decide if whether it impacts you enough that to limit your family members contact with you.

posts: 1223   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8740463
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Queen ( member #52391) posted at 8:01 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Anyone who remained friends with my ex was removed from my life after one warning. They made their choices. And I'm completely at peace with that decision. There is no room in my life for disloyalty.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2016
id 8740500
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Solarchick ( new member #80222) posted at 12:45 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

I too come from a similar family, and yeah, that's way messed up.

Catch this - my brother was the best man when my WXH married his AP. So you know what? I can pick who I associate with, and it's not my brother.

I've always had to accommodate my family, until I moved away and stopped doing so. And while my mother bitched and moaned about the fact that I had moved so far away, I did just fine and was actually happier with a more emotionally distant relationship.

After my dad died, I ended up moving my mother down here to take care of her, but I do not have a close emotional relationship with her. I don't go to her for any type of emotional support or advice. I don't give a rat's ass of what she thinks of the men that I date. She seems to like the biggest assholes the most. Whatever, Mom.

It is not normal. Sadly, it's fairly common. It is not acceptable.

The good news is, you can tell your family that you've decided that they cannot treat you with such disrespect, so you're going to distance yourselves from them. They're going to tell you that you're insecure and blah blah blah all of their dysfunctional shit on you, but you don't have to listen to it. Or you can, and just tell them that you're sorry that they feel that way, but for your own mental health, you need to distance yourself from them.

Or better yet, don't say a damn thing and just do it.

The good news is, then you can go out and build your own family of supportive friends that don't pull those kind of stunts. I did it, and my God, they are so much more fun than my family of origin! The holidays are great now! They're small (not that my family was huge), and not stressful at all, and I actually look forward to get-togethers and celebrations now.

It's odd, but once I saw my family more objectively, it was easier to accept them as they are and control how I responded to their dysfunctionality. At one point, I would have thought that distancing from them would have been like cutting out my liver - just not possible if I expected to live. Now it seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Me: BW, too many times to count. 55, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.
WXH: Who cares? He's a dumpster fire shit show. NC since D (with cause) in 2004.
D-Day: A very bad day in June 2003. Then July, August...

posts: 33   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8740537
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 1:59 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Yep. All this ^^^!!!

Just because they are family does not mean they are good for us. Don't confuse the two.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5565   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8740544
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 3:43 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Is this normal? Acceptable?


Oh Hell no!

The only reason that I would consider them keeping in touch with an ex, if that they did not know what happened.

If they knew what happened, then they are showing huge disrespect to you by keeping in touch with someone who betrayed you.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 987   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8740551
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:05 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Tell these family members explicitly that you find it too painful for them to still be in contact with the person who abused you by cheating. Yes, the lying, gaslighting, devaluing and STD risk that go along with cheating are abusive to do to a partner. Tell them you need your family devoted to you at this time, and they need to let their friendship with her drop out of love and loyalty to you.

Their response will say a lot. About their depth of feelings for you, and about their own experience or lack thereof with infidelity.

Stay firm upon any pushback. Make it clear this needs to be permanent, not temporary. They have to drop her. This should all go without saying, btw. The fact that you have to spell it out to them is their problem, not yours.

If they won't cooperate, then you'll need to distance yourself from them, unfortunately. You have to maintain boundaries, that you'll only be close with people who treat you well.

[This message edited by morningglory at 1:08 PM, Friday, June 17th]

posts: 378   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740594
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:40 AM on Friday, July 1st, 2022

Kind of odd. But they have had relationships with XWGF despite what your status with XWGF is, so while awkward for you, they apparently don't want to end their relationship with XWGF.

posts: 293   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8742839
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