SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its been quite a while since I posted as we have been in a form of R for about 9 years. DD 2013 WW had multiple affair partners.

I had posted about this subject in the past but haven't been able to resolve.My wife who is very big into social media both for personal and business reasons has many friends and followers. Many of them are men. I think she tries to keep them on the down low because she knows I have access to her Facebook and Instagram.

The advice I was given in the past was to confront her about no having male friends except ones that are old high school friends or someone I am aware of.

She has many male followers and fans on instagram who like her pics and post especially ones were she looks especially attractive.

The one I have been concerned about was someone who did work at our house. At the time of work I felt she was flirting with him and talked about how nice he talked about his girlfriend. Of course I thought this was to throw me off. She mentioned him from time to time. I even asked her if she was obsessed with him. Of course followed by denial. She has been Facebook friends with him as well as they follow each other on Instagram. He was liking many of her posts and pics but then slowed down quite a bit. I had hoped maybe they had moved apart. What I was able to find out is he had broken up with his girlfriend. Now I am concerned maybe the reason his likes have slowed down as not to cause any suspicion. The one that really worries me is that this guy is a bodybuilder and my wife likes several of his instagram pics with him flexing and with his shirt off.

I don't like to confront her unless I am sure something is going on as it usually backfires.Should I confront her or just keep tabs on whats going on.

The advice I was given in the past was to confront her about no having male friends except ones that are old high school friends or someone I am aware of.

And you did not take the advice?

It doesn’t matter if something is going on or not.

Clearly she has a pattern of behavior that you don’t like or approve of.

That is disrespectful to you.

What you do with that is your call.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:41 AM, Friday, June 3rd]

One of my number one boundaries is no social media for my WH of any kind. It is entirely to easy to hide what they could be doing on there. It also creates too many opportunities and false views.

If it were me, I would first download her data on her social media accounts. You gain more knowledge about what she is actually doing on social media this way. As an example, my WH never commented or liked anything of AP and neither did she. For the exact reason that you suggest, to not draw attention. However what I did discover by downloading his data is that he was always liking her stories. Which no one could see and he thought disappeared. This was the only red flag that lead me to pushing him for answers.

Also you sound like you are hesitant to approach this subject to her. Why? If she is truly being honest with you and you are both truly committed, there should be no conversation that is off limits. It doesn't have to be a confrontation, but rather you expressing a concern. But if there is one thing I have learned through all this, investigate your concerns BEFORE approaching them to your wife because if there is something to hide, she will do her best to make it impossible for you to discover.

One last thing, I may be reading more into it but it almost sounds like your wife enjoys the kibbles of attention she receives. That is concerning.

The one I have been concerned about was someone who did work at our house. At the time of work I felt she was flirting with him and talked about how nice he talked about his girlfriend. Of course I thought this was to throw me off. She mentioned him from time to time. I even asked her if she was obsessed with him. Of course followed by denial. She has been Facebook friends with him as well as they follow each other on Instagram. He was liking many of her posts and pics but then slowed down quite a bit. I had hoped maybe they had moved apart. What I was able to find out is he had broken up with his girlfriend. Now I am concerned maybe the reason his likes have slowed down as not to cause any suspicion. The one that really worries me is that this guy is a bodybuilder and my wife likes several of his instagram pics with him flexing and with his shirt off.

You don't have to confront her about "social media" broadly or "male followers" in general. Tell her you don't like how she is acting with this guy. Talk about windows and walls, and ask her how that friendship is enriching your marriage. If it isn't, ask her to end it.

The price of infidelity is permanent.

I don't like to confront her unless I am sure something is going on as it usually backfires.

My opinion is that this is not a good R. She did the damage, she shouldn't turn shit around on you. That's DARVO.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:07 AM, Friday, June 3rd]

The one I have been concerned about was someone who did work at our house. At the time of work I felt she was flirting with him

This is a huge red flag and deep down, you know it. My cheater ex had a "just friend" a few years after DDay1, and gaslit me about it, telling me the problem was my jealousy, etc. A few years later I found naked pictures of her on his computer.

Read Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass. That will give you some very good perspective on this problem.

As you are currently concerned, decide on what is your intent and what you'd like as an outcome/result/action on the part of your wife and have a few conversations with her.

How you choose to talk with her is up to you. It seems to me there is mistrust lurking, I may be wrong, however, talking it out IMHO, is a start.

Gently, you can't be in an R or an M without conflict. You seem to be rug-sweeping conflict, and that's not R. You seem to be stifling yourself.

Have you considered confronting your W just because you don't like what she's doing? The issue really isn't her behavior - it's acting in your own interests to get what you want.

If you can't do that, have you considered finding a good IC and figuring out how to stop stifling yourself?

Gently, you can't be in an R or an M without conflict. You seem to be rug-sweeping conflict, and that's not R. You seem to be stifling yourself.

This is the issue, lack of communication. My W and I have had more disagreements, conflicts than before, we have agreed to put issues on the table and not hold them in. I have learned in our "new marriage" that communication is healthy, even if it’s pointed and not comfortable. If something is bothering you, you have to address it, with confidence.

As with everything in life, there are multiple ways of looking at this. One way is that there is already something going on. What? She is interacting with men online for attention.

Posting pictures of herself where she looks attractive? Check.
Liking photos of other men where the photo is only of them? Check.

If she had never had an affair this might not be a big red flag. But she apparently had multiple affairs, so it is. Is it infidelity? Well, do you have agreed upon boundaries? Is it breaking them?

I would discuss it and not wait. Do you want real R? You said you had a form of R, not sure what that means.

I am about to stereotype millions of people but, oh well: posting selfies where you look attractive and are the only subject of the photo is a highly attention seeking behavior. It can and does lead to infidelity with many people. If you have had an affair in the past and you are still doing this then you have not worked on your issues very well, have you? That's where your wife is.

People can use social media and not post pictures that highlight themselves. They can use social media and not like photos of other men, particualrly photos where the only subject is the man. Reset your marital boundaries, including social media.

Brother, I am not sure why you are hesitating. Shut this sh!T down if you plan to stay with her. My WW did the same with a former high school boyfriend who currently lives in another country. I looked into her eyes deeply and told her to shut that sh!t down immediately. There was no ambiguity. She understood and complied immediately. My hard edge gleams, polished by her former betrayals. Shut it down Bro; it clearly bothers you enough to ask for our counsel.

[This message edited by JungAdmirer at 11:05 PM, Friday, June 3rd]

no having male friends except ones that are old high school friends

Many affairs are with "old flames" from high school. This should be a big no.

IMO, she should not be on social media, period. Too tempting given her history and her attention seeking personality.

I nuked social media a few years back shortly after DDay. The issue was Facebook, but I extended it over to Instagram and SnapChat. What I remember Instagram being was just a meat market. Tons of folks putting themselves out there in small outfits that barely covered anything, and I'm talking about men and women. I do not see why a married adult needs an Instagram, but that is just me.

I don't post on Fakebook, don't have IG and used snapchat in my affair. LinkedIn is about it for me and I'm very careful of who I talk to and what I post (if anything). Snapchat has been removed from my phone and life.

All this to say, as a WW, there's no need for me to be on any of that. If I want my friends to know what I'm up to, I'll invite them to hang out and we can talk. If someone wants to know about me, they can always ask. Call me old fashioned, but, if people really give a crap, they'll come to you. Otherwise, they have a full enough life without me and I wish them well.

Your WW needs to get off social media now. Posting pics and having conversations with a male bodybuilder? Are you kidding me?

Maybe a good filter (which is one I use now) would be, "If this opposite sex person were at my house and in front of my husband, how would I behave?" I use that for every one of my posts on LinkedIn and frankly don't participate in any of the others. If I am not comfortable expressing myself or having others express themselves to me in certain ways in front of my H, I don't need to be doing it.

H has instagram and scrolls endlessly on his bad days. Boobs galore. Same thing on Fakebook- they've got reels or stories or some such thing. H has enough boob reels show up when we go through his insta account together that I know he's pausing or replaying them often enough that the algorithm sends more his way. Pisses me off. If those girls were in our living room acting that way, he would be charged $$ for their services. I've told him I'm uncomfortable with it, but he still spends hours on it.

Oh well.

But seriously, tell her how you feel about what she's doing and tell her about the consequences to your relationship. If she wants more positivity and validation from you, she has to stop getting it from the bodybuilder.

I agree with the other responses - this behavior is inappropriate and needs to end.

I don't like to confront her unless I am sure something is going on as it usually backfires.Should I confront her or just keep tabs on whats going on.

I am a ws, 5 years out.

This statement sticks out to me so much. Why is it still her needs are more important than yours? If your ws has full accountability over what she did she should easily understand that her actions changed the dynamics of your marriage forever.

This means that she understands that your trust requires that she prioritizes your feelings and needs. She probably can trust that you do this for her, she seems to fail to understand that you need that from her.

I understand she has to be able to enjoy her life, but personally I enjoy my life most being married to my husband. This means that I will always have some sacrifices that I need to make in order to live what I consider the best version of my life.

That being said, I have taken note over the years that some bs hide their feelings, leaving the ws believing everything is fine. Should she know on her own that this social media activity bothers you? Yes, probably. So it’s important to have the conversation so you can a) correct her obliviousness or worse b) establish that she is not oblivious and still is not prioritizing your needs for building trust.

You are not being controlling here, and if the reason these conversations don’t go well is because that is what she is claiming, then you are also still being gaslighted.

I have friends on Social media for business.

1. I don’t post pictures where I look "especially attractive" and say it’s "business". Not professional and not necessary for my business. I have a professional headshot I use for business.

2. If you are posting attractive pics to get "likes" and comments, you are doing so for selfish reasons. And if your spouse does not agree with it, it’s disrespectful.

Some people just need that ego boost. How sad that comments from friends and random people on SM are more important than your Marriage or your spouse.

Well rando guys liking her attractive photos on her pages is on thing.

Her liking and him liking back the body builder guy who she knows in real life, comments about how much he likes his GF and she flirts with is another thing.

Third thing is that now his GF is gone and their communication has slowed down... they may moved it to Kik or Snapchat or any of the other ways to communicate under the wire. Good chance that she may be "there fore him" during his tough break up.

Difficult spot to be in. Confrontation without proof only starts arguments you have no way to win. The cheater won't admit to cheating until they are ready to do so or caught in the act. Is it worth the argument? Can you pick your battles and take the high road? Counseling may be helpful.

No opposite sex friends should be a baseline for reconciliation. The "just friends" line is so often abused by cheaters. She's lost her opposite sex friends license, including on social media, which she also probably shouldn't be on.

If she balks, that tells you how invested in the reconciliation she is. None of that stuff should matter to her, compared to rebuilding her marriage.

She has the clear upper hand in this marriage, because she has already admitted cheating before, now is behaving inappropriately at least, and you're afraid to even confront her about it. No surprise she has felt entitled to cheat. She runs the show here.

I recommend therapy for you to gain some self-esteem. Then you can re-evaluate if marriage to an unrepentant serial cheater is still right for you.

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:57 PM, Tuesday, July 12th]