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Newest Member: Isabel121

General :
The OP died

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 HouseOfPlane (original poster member #45739) posted at 3:25 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Prostate cancer got him.

We had been friends back in the day, in a friend circle, so in seeing what our shared friends were up to, I randomly tracked what was up with his life. He got married to a woman with two young girls, appeared to have had a great relationship and was a good father, so good for that. All of the outpouring of tributes on Facebook are a little nauseating, but expected.

I had contemplated visiting him one more time, as I knew he was sick. I had also sworn to piss on his grave, but I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm glad he went first and I outlasted him. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Certainly not sad, but also really not happy. The whole thing was just a human tragedy.

The wife doesn't know, and I'm not going to tell her. My secret.

Cheers...

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2841   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8735640
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FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 4:10 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

My dad left us for a childless woman when I was 12 and my mom was 43, after 5 kids.

He died of cancer about 10 years later , and wife #2 lived into her 70s, eventually also dying of cancer.

My mom lived to six weeks past her 90th birthday, and outliving both of them is the only thing I ever really saw her gloating about. Fair enough. It is what it is, and it's ok to gloat just a little.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21505   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 8735645
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 8:22 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

My wife's OP died seven years after her A. His XW (from before his his A with my W) shared the news on an online site that we both visited. As you say, all the tributes from those who didn't know what a POS he was (and probably a few who did) where tough to stomach.

I felt indifferent. While I wasn't happy or sad that he was dead, I felt bad of his child who I imagine loved his dad like any kid does. I guess I was relieved that this man who knew things about my W that I can never know was no longer out there. And that I don't have to worry that if something happens to me that she might decide to get back with him. She says that she's repulsed by the very thought now, but who really knows?

OM died alone in a home accident that he might well have been saved from if someone had been there with him. I see that as a little karmic justice for his penchant for pursuing married women instead of finding a wife of his own.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 400   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8735664
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 10:20 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Nothing wrong with watering the grass on his grave.

Tape a sheet of paper on it, too "This bastard had an affair with wife. Rot in hell."

posts: 456   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8735665
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:01 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Short story:
My sister married an abusive man. He did all the classic manipulative moves like move far from friends and family and then did immense physical and psychological damage to her. When my parents eventually figured out what was going on they were on the next plane and brought her home. She had the sense to divorce him and despite a short marriage (2 years) she needed years to recover.
Since then, she’s moved on. Great career, married a wonderful soft giant and has proud independent daughters. The ex husband is history and wasn’t mentioned in my family.

About a decade ago we had a family dinner. Over the main course my sister mentioned that her ex-husbands younger sister had sent her an e-mail to let her know the ex had passed away from cancer. We finished the dinner and in classic at-that-time manner my mom, the wives and sisters cleared the table and did the dishes. My dad called me and my two brothers into his office and got out the expensive $$$ whiskey he had been given on his 70th birthday. Poured four tumblers and gave a toast to "good news".

To me that’s the role a former AP should have. Basically none. Shouldn’t live in our minds rent-free, shouldn’t take time from our daily routine. I don’t think my dad was toasting his death, but rather toasting that now there was no way the SOB could impact his family.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10744   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8735680
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 HouseOfPlane (original poster member #45739) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Yeah, with his passing I have this weird sense of, now who am I going to hate? smile

I’ll be drinking a beer tonight with sone friends. My quiet celebration.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2841   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8735685
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:56 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Yeah, with his passing I have this weird sense of, now who am I going to hate?


You can still hate dead people. When the reaper catches up with Putin, there's entire countries that are not going to stop hating him.

posts: 1223   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8735695
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 4:02 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

I remember your story quite well. Truly one of those appallingly horrible situations.

Why are you keeping the death from your wife? Do you fear she might grieve?

posts: 1129   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8735697
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 5:03 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Can't say for sure, but I probably will make a point of pissing on my wife's AP's grave.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 227   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8735711
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 HouseOfPlane (original poster member #45739) posted at 5:53 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Why are you keeping the death from your wife? Do you fear she might grieve?

Not 100% other than that I just don’t want to.

Fact is I’ve had a emotional relationship with the OP, and even though it has been based on hate and has been strictly one way, it’s been mine. I don’t feel like sharing the disruptive news in my relationship with her.

On the hating after death, or forgiving after death, I am 1000% sure he won’t care. Fact is, he hasn’t cared for years. Im the only person it has had an effect on. Him being burned up into dust makes that even more clear now, but it should have been before.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2841   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8735723
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:10 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

I think the indifference you are feeling is healthy and appropriate. A small toast is perfect.
The universe just took out the trash.

I do feel for his family- they were innocents in this. But that doesn’t change that he did bad things.

Process as you wish, tell your wife or not. Doesn’t matter anymore. I hope you let go of the weight of the hate.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4796   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8735743
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 10:15 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

We had been friends back in the day, in a friend circle

The greatest of all sins is the willing betrayal of trust.

One less worthless piece of backstabbing shit that has no problem traumatizing a family and especially children who felt safe in that family as their foundation.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1218   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8735756
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 HouseOfPlane (original poster member #45739) posted at 11:55 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

One thing that adds a minor level of complexity to the how I feel about it process, is I have known that he had prostate cancer since 2017, and could randomly watch his wife post things about it on Facebook. It was clear in December 21 that he was going to shuffle off the mortal coil pretty soon… which is right about when I diagnosed with prostate cancer also.

Now, what he had was bad and relentless and what I have is low grade and I will most likely die of something else, but it did give me a weird WTF vibe. Kind of like, oh, well then there’s two things we’ve shared.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 11:57 PM, Tuesday, May 17th]

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2841   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8735778
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 HouseOfPlane (original poster member #45739) posted at 12:03 AM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

The memorial was on Saturday. Now the forgetting begins, as everyone gets on getting on with their lives, and the AP fades away. Looks like ashes were scattered, so no tombstone to piss on. That was my last item on the to-do list related to him. Oh well…can’t have everything.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2841   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8738958
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Knitaknee ( new member #71772) posted at 12:05 AM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

House of Plane,

Prayers for your recovery, both infidelity and cancer.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Alabama
id 8738959
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 3:38 AM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

HOP, glad to see you have a nice little karma time. And, yeah, go piss on his grave.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4480   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8738974
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ThisPainIsReal ( new member #79814) posted at 10:25 AM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

It should be a nice celebration, quiet or not. I wish my WH's AP was dead or would die a horrible death too.

Here's hoping you'll beat cancer quickly. Take care.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2022
id 8738993
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:49 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

Sending healing mojo, HoP.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27317   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8739018
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