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Self care during the emotional roller coaster

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:16 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I'm really struggling with the emotional roller coaster right now.

Everything from totally numb, to heartbroken and sobbing, to all out rage.

Every time wh is in the house I just want to rip him to shreds. It takes every bit of restraint not to scream at him. So I lock myself in the bedroom, a prisoner in my own home...

I also have struggled with self care because I end up feeling guilty.

The last two months that has changed.

I bought new clothes and make up and I'm actually wearing said make up. And because I still wear a mask so no one can see my wrinkles and jowls I've had guys striking up conversations every time I'm out. Even without the mask one man just couldn't stop talking to me today at the gas station. Felt fucking awesome!

I've had to wear glasses for distance since grade 7. Hated wearing them and only wore them while driving because I have to. I picked up my NEW glasses today and OMG. My prescription hadn't changed much in 15 years but now everything is crisp and sharp. Its amazing. And dammit I look good in them!

(And they are gold and purple yay!).

Drinking lots of water, bought myself the After Eight creamer for MY coffee, got the supplies I need to tweak my tattoo design, got info from a woman whose hair I loved about where she got it done and am making an appointment to get mine done! Purple here I come! Ummm my purple nail polish was a bit much. Like too dark. I looked like I had the hands of a vampire they are so damn white so I need a lighter shade.

So while the self care is coming along nicely the emotional ride I'm on is driving me batty.

I dont see IC until late next week. sad

I've watched every Marvel Movie I have to distract me except End Game cause I'll just cry all damn night watching that.

I'm trying to keep myself busy but I don't know if I should let myself feel the feels when they come or not. I can be rather self destructive when emotions run amuck. Add alcohol and something sharp and its back to self harm for the release. The one night I drank a bottle of wine I slept so amazing. Hadn't slept like that in...months? Years? My mother makes damn good wine. And can drink anyone under the table. I apparently didn't inherit that skill lol

I have enough clean fill at the front now to probably do a round about for the driveway so I've got that to play with. But I can't drive the tractor with wh around.

I want to get through a day without feeling rage, sobbing and then being totally numb. Just one day.

Any tips?

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735222
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 12:00 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

I got into fitness and nutrition. It was such great therapy and it kept me from needing medication for depression. I lost 50 lbs and have maintained my goal weight for over 2 years now. It really boosted my confidence. The main thing was it was mine, I did this for me.

I watched a movie recently called Brittany ran a marathon. I was crying like a baby because setting and hitting goals is so therapeutic and rewarding.

That’s what works for me and no one can take it away.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8735231
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:28 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

You'd think being on a farm I'd be in shape. Ya NO!

I have a good 50lbs to lose. Then again last time I lost that much I looked awful. Everyone said I looked so good but in the photos I swear I look half dead. Sure I was thin and everyone seemed to think I looked good but all I see is someone that was about to die.

My issue is that I am constantly tired. No, exhausted! Like could fall asleep on the toilet or while driving tired. How do I get motivated to "work out" when I just want to sleep?

I used to bike ride and walk but that's just plain dangerous on our road thanks to stupid drivers! I could run the trial through our forest except it's not a groomed path with rocks and down trees and BUGs...big bugs.

There is no room in the house for a treadmill.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735236
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 1:56 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

DragnHeart,
So sorry that you’re going through this, first of all!
My story, to make it short and sweet:
Met WH 2008, online.
Married 2013.
I have 2 kids from previous marriage.
Found out a week before our 5th anniversary, (6/24/18), that he had been with "her", since before we even met!
Completely destroyed my world!!!
My advice to you…go through your feelings!
Get good counseling!
It was like a death to me.
We’re still married, but only as a convenience.

Triggers will happen.
The roller coaster has its ebbs and flows!

You need to know that this isn’t your fault!

I can’t stress enough, that, like a death, you have to grieve and mourn.

You’re not alone sister!

You’re stronger than what you know!

If you have any questions or want more information, I’m here!

This forum has helped me immensely!

Best of luck!

posts: 91   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8735250
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:14 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Marlita. Hugs. I've been here for a while, 2011 I believe. Wh has had many affairs.

Just this latest one. Man it's hit me harder than any of the ones before.

Got first hand proof of it. Ya once you see and hear you can't unsee or unhear that act.

This time round he isnt scrambling to make things right. He's comfortable on the sofa, fine to ignore me until it's convenient for HIM then barges into MY space.

He doesn't care. And he didnt stop the affair when I caught them. Pretty sure they are still at it.

Options are there to get him out of the house (I have a thread in the D&S forum) but I'm trying to keep the peace and figure out how to keep my farm.

Part of me wishes he would leave and be with his AP. Just to have some peace here. Weekends when he doesn't work are so hard. He was supposed to work tomorrow but has since told me he isn't. I coukdnt hold back and said oh but why miss out on extra time with AP. He says she's not working (so of course he isnt) and i reply oh poor baby no weekend sex.

The nastiness I can spew is bad and I sometimes just can't hold it in. I know I'm supposed to grey rock but damn.

On a happy note the one mare of the 3 that are boarding here who hates me and has never let me near her took carrots from my hand today. Like OMG! Never has she even let me near her and this time she's eating from my hands. So amazing!

Had to chase off a ground hog from thr bag of carrots only to feel guilty and throw him/her a few. Now if I csn only train it to dig holes where I want to put in posts.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735252
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:26 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

My issue is that I am constantly tired. No, exhausted! Like could fall asleep on the toilet or while driving tired. How do I get motivated to "work out" when I just want to sleep?

I get it, I will say I hate working out, but when I make myself just take a walk, I always feel better.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8735256
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:39 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Ok I'll start walking. Just need to pick up some serious bug spray first grin

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735263
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 4:10 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

DragnHeart

Damn girl!!!

Wow!!

How do you do it?

posts: 91   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8735268
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 4:21 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

How do you do it?

Stay sane?

Stay out of jail? laugh

I dont know. Doing my best to keep it together for my kids I guess.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735271
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Marlita ( member #72286) posted at 5:39 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

DragnHeart

Ditto!

posts: 91   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Usa
id 8735276
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:11 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Would it help to think of this as a business arrangement instead of a marriage. He undid the marriage so your obligation to him is nil. Just go about your life. Gray rock means he becomes invisible to you and you are so boring he can’t get around it. I imagine he gets a boat load of pleasure seeing you in pain. It gives him a feeling of power over you. He might be a sex addict, or he might have brought a feeling of helplessness from childhood. Those people often refuse to let their guards down. They are much more comfortable with surface relationships because emotional intimacy is too threatening. Either way you are banging your head on a brick wall if you hope to see a change in him. That is why you need to stop caring about him romantically and see him as part of a business you want to keep.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3299   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8735287
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:49 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Would it help to think of this as a business arrangement instead of a marriage

Yes that would help. The relationship of the marriage is dead. It's just a piece of paper.

Unfortunately his behaviour isn't respectful or tolerable at times. If he was employee I would have fired him long ago.

Pretending he is invisible is near impossible. For example he said he was going out this morning. A trip that far he won't be taking the sexmobile (needs a new hose on thr power steering unit that keeps popping off).

That means he will take the van I use and just the thought of any possibility of him and her in it sends me into a panic. So I asked him what time he was leaving and if he was taking one of the kids. In the course of the conversation he started to play the poor me card saying he doesn't deserve the marriage, family and he should just fuck off and die since no one would notice.

I told him the poor me card doesn't work on me anymore.

I dont expect him to change. I do demand he remain respectful of my space while he's still in the house.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735291
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:13 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Hi Drgn,

Walking is such an awesome grounding thing for mw, I really second that advice.

Heres to you putting on the makeup and getting things done for yourself.

I once heard the advice, dont dress for the job you have, rather the one you want to have next.

Keep on dressing for Drgn 2.0!

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8735295
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 7:44 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Ok I'll start walking. Just need to pick up some serious bug spray first grin

Ok get the bug spray, but the main thing is you need new shoes, and form what I’ve been told, women buying shoes is a big deal. So there’s some additional therapy for you. 😀

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8735334
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 7:48 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

I'm not a girly girl. I prefer skater shoes and my feet are small enough I can shop in the boys section. grin

If I'm going to be walking through my property I'll be wearing my steel toe rubber boots because it's still very muddy in areas and the ticks are bad this year.

Those boots give my legs one hell of a work out!

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735335
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 11:17 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Dragn, I believe you are in Canada. You can get some treated clothing at mark's work wearhouse for the ticks, t shirt, pants, socks, a bit better than bug spray and they last through many washes (I think it's like 100 or something)

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8735361
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:51 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

I looked up the treated clothes. Amazing. Not that expensive. Pants would definitely be a good idea.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735363
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:34 AM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

Tanner

Is a 10km walk for a first try good or bad?

Took me damn near 3 hours but I wasn't exactly hoofing it. Stopped a few times to take some photos of the sunset over the lake, once to let a porcupine cross in front of me without disturbing it and had a couple chats with people.

It wasn't my plan to go that far. Wanted to just walk up to the corner store in town and back but he didn't have what I wanted. So decided to go to the gas station. That's out of town, past the causeway.

Pretty sure I looked like a woman who wanted to burn the world down on my way into town, good steady pace. By the time I made it back to the causeway from the gas station I was just doing the keep on stepping girl.

New shoes are a must!

I told dd I was going for a walk. Wh was and has been to busy playing video games to notice what I was doing so when I let dd know I'd be longer than I expected I suddenly get a call from wh freaking out. He said he was going to come pick me up and I told him not to since the whole point was to get away from him! Ha!

He said fine but told me to be careful...

I dont think I'll do that again before I have better shoes. My feet hurt. Surprisingly my legs don't hurt at all.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735501
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 3:51 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

Yeah, definitely look into a good pair of walking shoes. SO worth it - I walk my 90 pound German Shepherd about 3-4 miles a day on a bulkhead - what a difference a pair of good quality shoes makes for my comfort!

I would definitely ask your IC for some "tips and tricks" for those awful rollercoaster feelings. Unfortunately given your living situation and WH purposely upsetting you, it's kinda normal to feel like you are.

I'm so glad to hear you're doing things for YOU! grin

Hugs!

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8834   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8735544
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:03 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

Is a 10km walk for a first try good or bad?

That’s awesome! My question is how did you feel? Hopefully not as tired as you’ve been, for me, it gives me more energy.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8735545
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