I don't know where to begin and I'm not even sure if this counts because technically according to her we weren't actually together. But she acted like we were. I thought we were but I guess we didn't see it eye to eye even though I thought we were clear.
Anyways, we met the day after Christmas and really hit it off. Met online, but she came out to see me for a week the second week of January. She was looking to divorce her husband so already I knew this whole thing could get kind of dicey. Went for it anyways. She came out here. Tried to hookup up a guy out here but it didn't happen. While she was out here though she basically broke up with me after an argument and then was pissed that I didn't want to go to a bar with her. I went anyways, and after she made out with someone at the bar I got drunk on her dime, thought fuck it anyways. Almost got us in a bar fight with some other girl who actually sided with me, she said yeah you just broke up with him and are making out and flirting with other guys, no wonder he's sad and getting drunk alone.
We reconciled after that and things were alright or so I thought and she invited me down to Texas where she was from on Valentine's Day. I get down there thinking alright this is going to be great, we'll have a nice romantic night at this nice hotel, just the two of us and we can put all of this bullshit behind us. We go to a store and she refers to me as her friend and starts flirting with this guy and says to a few people that no we're not together. Later she calls her husband and they kind of seem like maybe they're going to work things out. Then she tells me that the day before he came over with the kids and they fucked and wanted to reconcile.
I was there for a week so I said whatever don't mope about shit just have a good time, and within a few days she decided she was done with him and moving forward with the divorce. We ended up hooking up and leaving on good terms and I thought okay yeah we're finally on the same page, we can make this work, we were even talking marriage and shit.
She comes back to see me for two weeks and things got a little rocky but we worked it out. Now I'm thinking we're technically together, but I guess she wasn't.
So I found out on Easter that she had hooked up with some guy she met at a bar who in my opinion kind of date raped her. She said she fell in love with him though. But it was a one time thing, he told her that. But she also told me she hooked up with a few other guys. Each time, she claims was because we got in a fight or something and/or she was drunk and just did it. Friends, random guys, facebook adds. She claims she's really picky, but if she's gonna let random dudes fuck her bareback, I don't see that as very picky. Also gave a blowjob to a drug dealer felon after I was being sweet to her on the phone. She puts herself in dangerous situations and then fucks these guys and blames it on me, or alcohol, or just being blacked out sober or something.
So I've been kind of stunned since Easter. I wanted to reconcile it. But she had just gotten out of a psych ward the other day and she went up the the bar. We got in an argument and she told me "I warned you." So I figured it'd be bad news this morning.
And I was right. She hooked up with some other guy. She does all of this raw by the way, the only one she wanted to use a condom on was a methhead she wanted to fuck.
Anyways, I found out about her hookup last night and I don't know what to feel about it. I was devestated and numb at first, and then sad, and now I'm numb again.
She did tell me she would do that and I said yeah I'm walking into this with eyes open. But it still hurts. I've been cheated on in every relationship I've been in except for my last two, and I told her that I have severe trust issues over that. She's never been cheated on, and she doesn't get jealous so she has no idea where I'm coming from.
I go back and forth between being numb about it because I said whatever happens happens I know what I'm getting into and keeping emotions out of it, and the complete opposite; being hurt, jealous, paranoid, but mostly just feeling pissed at myself. I mean her too, but mostly at myself for not being someone worthy enough to be loyal too. As fucked up as that sounds. Before her I had very high confidence, and she's the only woman who actually made me doubt that. Made me feel like I'm lesser in some way. And I hate myself for it.
I hate that
1. I could ever get attached so hard, to be so vulnerable and susceptible to this kind of hurt.
2. That I'm starting in the first time in my life to doubt my worth. I have a physical disability and only once or twice has it been an issue with a girl and I just brushed it off. Same with any other physical aspect. Skin, height, body type, whatever, it never bothered me before this. But she straight up told me I'm not her physical type, and then she got mad when I was in my head fucking her the next time. No woman has ever shaked my confidence in myself that much, and I am jut pissed that I let that happen. But I'm also pissed that I've failed.
I take full responsibility for all of it though. If I was better, this would have never have happened.
I don't know, now I'm sad again even though I tried not to get too attached to her.