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Reconciliation :
Here it is again

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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

May 1st...the beginning of the month where BOTH of my H's started their A's...almost 30 years to the DAY look . Every year you wonderful people allow me to indulge in my journey of MY A season antiversary. Thank y'all for that smile .

A little back story for those who don't know. Because my H had his PA while working alone overseas...I have finite times to when THEY first met...down to THEIR last kiss. I could practically tell how long THEY were together...ate dinner...fucked...thanks to the google timeline that I was told about from this amazing site. The phone records...emails...whatsapp messages and SKYPE provided a plethora of information too. I have calendars that I made in Excel for May-July that are FULL of all of that...plus the minutes...sometimes seconds...from the time-stamped receipts of the events that THEY went to.

SO...EVERY freaking year I would pull out those danged calendars...pore over them...and get very BUMMED OUT remembering how I FELT during this time while he was away crying . I didn't get all of the info at first. In fact...the Craigslist account that I found out about on here...was somewhere after year 1. The google timeline I found out somewhere between year 2 and 3 I think. With the new information gathering from these two...I had to look at the calendars and make sure everything FIT. Doing all of this just created a RUT in my brain of EVERY FREAKING THING THEY DID during A season. It was pure torture. Especially June crying . THEY met after May started...and my H left the adultery co-conspirator's country in the middle of July...so there are parts of those two months where THEY didn't know or have contact with each other. But in June...my H called the adultery co-conspirator EVERY DAMN DAY crying .

This is my 8th A season that is coming up. I have tried different things to help me HEAL from this time. The BEST thing I ever did was to have my H PLAN a fabulous vacation on the FIRST A season that correlated with some of THEIR firsts...first date...first kiss...etc. It was so HARD to go through this vacation in a city that WE had never been to...so it was OUR first time there. EVERYTHING we did there was a FIRST for US...and it was NOT a fun time for me...at first. But as I went through these days...and STARED THEM DOWN...I became STRONGER smile . I now have AWESOME triggers to combat the horrible triggers from around that time. I OWN their FIRSTS!!! Did you see what I did there??? Extra points to those who figure it out laugh !!!

Around year 4 I purposefully made myself STOP looking at the calendars. I had ALL the information I could possibly have...I conquered everything I could...and there was NO reason to keep looking BACK. I honestly couldn't forget what had happened though because I had relived it from the previous years. But by year 6...I really had begun to forget...WIN-WIN for ME grin . Last year I decided to look at the calendars and the google timeline again. I was far enough removed from the emotion to look at it more clinically. I actually saw things that I had never realized before when the emotions were so high. These were things that helped me to understand WHY certain things happened during the A. Things that showed how MANIPULATIVE they each were toward one another laugh . We ALL know that every A is FAKE. Like someone once pointed out though...the sex is real. True. But the manipulation...the USING of each other that goes on with an A...that is real as well wink .

THIS year I am doing something that I started doing last year toward the end. I am going to look at the google timeline...for ALL of the years AFTER 2014 smile . I've got SEVEN times...SEVEN memories...EVERY DAY to look through the 68 days of their A...that WE have had since then grin . I actually started yesterday...with my H eagerly looking with me!! The first one brought a sad memory...it was a funeral we went to for a dear friend of ours sad . But it was FUN to see the other 6 and try to figure out exactly what was happening on that day smile . The year 2020...we didn't go anywhere on May 1st...and I am sure that will be the case for most of those days for that year laugh !!! Thank God THAT is behind us too!!

I will come back to this thread from time to time as A season progresses...just like I have with other threads I have started during this period. It is sort of a way for me to chronicle MY journey...MY feelings...and MY TRIUMPHS over A season grin . But I feel the need to write about it less and less. There is too much LIFE to LIVE on THIS side of infidelity!! Thank You God grin .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8733149
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:54 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Today is the start of A season. It stung when I saw the date...May 11...in my daily devotional today sad . But by the time my H and I finished our Bible Study...that feeling was long gone smile .

WE have been looking at the timeline together...something I wasn't expecting my H to WANT to do...but he is just as eager to look at it as I am grin ! We laugh at our very BORING day to day life laugh . And Bon Dieu...the year 2020 is the most boring of all!!! It is so funny to see the days where it just shows us at our house...not going anywhere laugh . I am sure a lot of people would have that on their timeline too!!

TODAY's date is very interesting. I didn't know at first that THIS day was the day my H and Lily met for the first time. By process of elimination we thought it was about a week later...until we saw the google timeline. For the first 2-3 years there wasn't much activity on THIS day. I guess once we found out from the google timeline what THIS day meant...I was determined to get POSITIVE triggers to combat the negative trigger this day brought. There is a LOT of activity on THIS day after those first few years...even going to a sushi restaurant like they did on the first day they met tongue !! I had always PLANNED on going to THE sushi restaurant where they met in the Netherlands...but last year I saw that it had permanently closed down. To ME...this is good...because I really have NO desire to travel overseas right now with everything going on in the world!!!

What is so weird to me is that THIS day didn't mean anything...until it did look . I happily passed over this day for several years...but dreaded the date I THOUGHT was their first meet up. Only...on THAT day...nothing really happened at all with them duh !! Then it went backward...I would dread THIS day...and feel relief on the original day I thought they met rolleyes . I don't feel dread over ANY day during A season anymore though...Thank You God smile .

My PLAN is to start feeling happiness for ALL the days during A season smile . I have some really HAPPY memories to combat the sad memories of what they did at the start of their A. This has really HELPED me to feel happy when I relive OUR memories smile . But the month of June has been a thorn in my side for far too long. I need to get that thorn OUT!! I have the tools...I know what to do...I just need to do it instead of staying in a paralyzed state!! I feel strong enough now to MOVE forward with my plan smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8734685
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I love your positive spirit, and especially your commitment to forming new, constructive memories to overwrite some of the pain. ❤️

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month emotional and physical affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020 (soft evidence followed by a month of lies). DD2: 7/3/2020 (hard evidence, truth, started reconciliation journey).

posts: 190   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8734746
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Grieving...thank you for your kind words smile . I do tend to look toward the POSITIVE...and I now see it as a GIFT smile .

I have had MANY decades to process the pain from when I lost my Mama crying . I've come to know that the BAD memory of her passing away could not negate the GOOD memories we had together smile . The same is true with the BAD memories I have from my H's A. I remember very well how my GUT was screaming at me that something was off during his A...even with us being an ocean apart. I will NEVER forget those memories...but I won't forget the GOOD memories WE have had since then smile . I can CHOOSE to focus on the BAD...or the GOOD. I choose the GOOD grin .

YOU seem to be doing that as well Dear Lady smile !! I LOVE how you write in the Thankful Thursday thread about ALL of the things you have to be thankful for!! Thank you for letting us all see the beauty YOU see in your life grin .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8734861
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 7:40 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Today...May 24th...the first night my H and the adultery co-conspirator spent together at my H's hotel room. I have come to terms with it...not accepted it...but adapted to it.

This year though has been unusually weird. I have been triggering a lot...and I didn't understand WHY. As a person who believes everything happens for a reason...I have been racking my brain as to WHAT the reason is for this year.

I started reading another post from a woman going through her own A season...Luna10. This is her post: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/656610/is-5-years-out-some-sort-of-milestone-/

As I was reading it...it dawned on me that I am experiencing a similar situation that I was having 8 years ago around this time look . I had to leave my H working alone overseas 8 years ago because of a family emergency. It was a pretty stressful time. This was when my H decided to have his A. Even though it is a different type of family emergency I am having now...the stress is pretty much the same as it was 8 years ago. My H has been so wonderful through this...but the triggers haven't been letting up. It didn't even dawn on me until I read that other thread and realized WHY I am feeling like this!! AHA!!! My limbic system is working very well...and my lizard brain is helping me to AVOID this experience again tongue !! It is amazing how our brain works...but sometimes it can sure throw us for a loop duh !!

It doesn't help that today is the day that I caught my 1st H with an adultery co-conspirator...38 years ago rolleyes . He left me the next day for that adultery co-conspirator. My experience with THIS particular date has had TWO major issues...and my limbic system has kept them for reference. The GOOD news is that I can retrain my lizard brain by having better experiences for this time smile . What works for ME is being a helper smile . Helping others brings JOY to my life...and what better person to help right now than my H grin . Helping him with issues he is going through will help ME to calm my lizard brain down...and have GOOD experiences with him too...WIN-WIN grin !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8736868
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 4:00 PM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was focusing on getting through the trauma from what had happened 8 years ago to my precious M. Today my heart is so heavy...for something that didn't happen TO me sad . An evil person killed...at last count...19 children and 2 teachers at an elementary school in Texas crying .

Today was a very sore day for me...the day my H brought the adultery co-conspirator to a windmill restaurant that we had talked about going to before I had to leave for a family emergency. But now...it is NOTHING compared to how my soul is grieving for these innocent lives crying .

We had already planned on going to a specialty restaurant in our town where my H helped me to OWN this day. I wrote about it on page 9 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum. We will still go there...but the feeling is different now.

Those poor parents...those poor students...that poor community crying . Heaven gained 21 beautiful souls from this tragic incident...and hell gained 1.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8737013
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

I don’t know how I missed this thread. You have done great with the triggers and I have learned a lot from you on handling my own. I am also entering A season "PA season". EA’s we’re already under way at this time.

Keep doing what you’re doing and put another one in the rear view mirror.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8737023
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 1:30 AM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

Aw heck Tanner...I wasn't aware this was an A season for you too (((HUGS))). I have calmed down a lot since I realized the stress I am going through right now with a family member is much like the stress I was feeling 8 years ago from the family emergency that came up and had me come back to America.

Ironically...that specialty restaurant my H and I were going to go to today was closed. The sign said it was closed because...I kid you not...of a family emergency look . This is a weird sign for me...and I am not sure what it represents. I just know that we are not the ONLY family having to deal with what we are dealing with right now...even though it seems very isolating at times. But I am preaching to the choir...aren't I wink ?!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8737121
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:21 AM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

I am preaching to the choir...aren't I wink ?!

I get it 😀

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8737151
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 2:44 PM on Monday, June 6th, 2022

I am coming back to this thread to let my future self know that all is still going well in regards to A season smile . Our life is still stressed...still hectic...but we are managing it TOGETHER...and I LOVE the US that we have become!!

We are still going through the timeline for the last 7 years. We haven't gone through it for today yet. This was a pivotal time 8 years ago. My H was in Rotterdam because he had to get a special extension from the Netherlands in order to stay longer. We really didn't think he would get it...at least that was what he TOLD me. He tried one more time to have sex with Lily a few days prior to this...and it ended up in the same way it did the first time...NO PIV sex...so he settled by giving her oral. Whatever. They were still together...still kissing...feeling each other up...and naked in the same bed.

Obviously...my H got the extension. He wrote an email telling me how TORN he was about this. He wanted so badly to come home to me rolleyes . Sure he did. He wanted it so badly that after we talked about it later that night when he could call me...he immediately called Lily and told her he was staying duh . They made plans to get together the very next night...the third time they got together for sex. They discussed NOT using a condom this time. It worked...they had PIV sex. The next day Lily sent him a photo of herself...all SMILES. He saved that photo crying .

My H has been telling me that he KNOWS this...but he doesn't REMEMBER it look . That didn't make sense to me duh . He tried explaining it as he KNOWS they had oral sex twice before they had PIV sex. But to tell me what she was wearing...where they went before that...or who got undressed first...he doesn't remember those details. HOW CAN HE NOT REMEMBER DETAILS AFTER 8 YEARS duh ???!!! I REMEMBER the details he told me. WHY can't HE?????

God helped me on this...as He usually does smile . I woke up from a dream one morning. I KNOW what the dream was about. I KNOW I saw my Mama and Daddy in that dream. But for the life of me...I can't remember DETAILS laugh !!! Yes...future W2BHA...it was just a dream...not a lived experience like my H had tongue . BUT...my H was drunk when he and Lily had sex. This dulled his inhibitions...but it also dulled his memory. I know THAT from my very limited amount of times that I have been inebriated laugh . I also know that when I think back to some of MY bad choices...I do NOT want to THINK about details. I don't WANT to relive those times...and I am pretty successful at covering those memories up as well.

Also...going over OUR timeline for the past 7 years...when WE were together...some of those times are not so clear either smile . WE lived them...they were EXCITING times...sometimes laugh . But to recall the details like I am asking my H to do...well...even I can't do it. And I am GOOD at details...whereas my H has never been laugh . I will cut him some slack on this smile .

LIFE is still going on...and I am going back to being in the PRESENT smile . I still look for...and find JOY in every day...but I still can't keep it all day. It IS working though in giving me PEACE. Thank You God grin .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8738839
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 10:37 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2022

This past week was pretty harsh. I KNOW WHY...but DANG!! The memories from what I was going through 8 years ago...when I was back at home...by myself...FOR us...while my H was starting his PA...overseas...they wouldn't let up. I kept trying to live in the NOW...but NOW is a lot like THEN in regards to the stress. None of my usual tools were working well...and I was really getting frustrated.

Yesterday we were reading "One Thing" by Awesome Marriage. It was actually Friday's "One Thing" laugh . It was about how prevalent divorce has become. The "One Thing" for that day was to...Remove the word "divorce" from your vocabulary. Commit together that it is not an option for you.

At one time I did this...and my H cheated on me. From that moment on I told him that D would ALWAYS be an option for me in the future. When we read this yesterday...I told him that this was something I couldn't commit to sad . My H told me that even though it hurt him to hear me say it...he understood why. This was a "One Thing" that made both of us sad sad .

This weighed heavy on me all morning. My H has changed from the person who cheated on me 8 years ago. I SEE it. I FEEL it. I KNOW it. But I changed too since that time when I said D would always be an option. Could I REALLY commit to not having D as an option?

Later in the day...my H received a text from someone about an upcoming job. It humbled my H to read the glowing text smile . As we discussed it...I found myself telling my H that he has HONOR...and INTEGRITY smile . This was really weird because I used to think he was the MOST honorable man I knew...until he cheated. I didn't use those words again when describing him...until yesterday. I MEANT it though smile . It felt GOOD to call him that again!

I then said it...I told my H that I am committing to D NOT being an option for us shocked . I was surprised at how CALM I felt after saying it! I was equally surprised when tears starting running down my H's face look . He thanked me for that...and told me I would NOT regret the commitment. Yes...that felt GOOD grin . I found my JOY yesterday...amid all of this MESS we are in right now smile . I'm still feeling it too!!! This is ONE MORE THING that I thought was lost...but I got it back smile . THANK YOU GOD grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8739904
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getbusyliving ( member #71058) posted at 1:59 AM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

W2BHA

My H has been telling me that he KNOWS this...but he doesn't REMEMBER it look . That didn't make sense to me duh . He tried explaining it as he KNOWS they had oral sex twice before they had PIV sex. But to tell me what she was wearing...where they went before that...or who got undressed first...he doesn't remember those details. HOW CAN HE NOT REMEMBER DETAILS AFTER 8 YEARS duh ???!!! I REMEMBER the details he told me. WHY can't HE?????

My WH would respond something like "how do you remember all this?" or go "wow, you just remember everything don't you" or something like that, when I would raise something he told me post ddays. Given I was thinking about it 24/7 for so long and as he confessed years of cheating to me in one night, I would be going through the multiple times he cheated and trying to remember that particular year and what was happening or that month or that week, yes it was easy for me to remember!!! What I couldn't understand is why he could not - or maybe would not. And this was general information, not bloody absolute specifics!!! But then I was pulling information out of him, he was not readily offering me up information.

BS:54 (me). WS:54. together 30 yrs on DD1 March 2017.

TT /lies until DD2 July 2017OL,P, EA, Sex workers.

Dates known: 1991, 2004, 2009, 2011, 2016, 2017.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Aotearoa /NZ
id 8739914
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:06 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

getbusyliving...that must have been heart wrenching to find out about YEARS of infidelity in one night (((HUGS))). After my H confessed about his PA while overseas...I also found out that for about 2 years before that he was having OA's when I wasn't at home with him. They were random...but it was helping him to build up to having his PA. He kept the OA's a secret that whole time and I guess he felt having the PA would be just as easy to keep secret...until he saw me in the airport when he came back home from overseas where he had his A duh .

I had so much evidence from this time to be able to put things together in those calendars I made. My H was not forthcoming at first...but once he saw how it helped ease my mind a bit to know the truth...no matter how painful...he began to describe the details that I needed. He gave me details that I didn't think to ask about too...things that helped to make ALL of the pieces FIT. They HURT crying . But honestly...they weren't as painful as the mind movies I was having. My H's A was not AT ALL like the Hollywood version that is portrayed. There was NOTHING glamorous or FUN about it...except for the RUSH my H would get when he could USE Lily for sex...then roll over and "dismiss" her rolleyes . When they both realized they were actually USING each other...after Dday...it changed their perception for sure. I was able to see it in my H's eyes as it was happening...and that was priceless!

I went over the calendars a lot during that first year after Dday. Then every year after that...during A season...I would revisit those calendars. This was NOT helping me because it was building a rut in my neuropathways. That was what I read somewhere...but it sure did seem to be what was happening to me! How could I forget...when I kept reliving these things over and over...and I wasn't even THERE duh !! My H...on the other hand...just wanted to FORGET this dark time in his life. I am hoping that one day I will be as forgetful as he is when it comes to his A.

For future W2BHA...today's "One Thing" was kind of cool smile . It talked about how we live in a very sex-charged society that has nothing to do with God's plan for sex in a Christian M. It went on to say that the BEST sex happens in a Christian M. I don't know about that because I have only had sex with my 2 H's. My H wholeheartedly agreed with that part though. So who knows.

It also talked about how our bodies are designed to FIT together. That was interesting. My H would say how certain sexual positions didn't work for him and Lily because they didn't FIT. She had some kind of obstruction when she was belly down...so doggy style...or bending her over to fuck her didn't work. They found other positions that worked though...so who cares...they still fucked crying . BUT...it was something my H often said after Dday...that WE FIT just fine smile .

It ended with the "One Thing" to do TODAY...to take a step to ENJOY sex together smile . OK grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8739952
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 7:25 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022

Eight years ago today my H broke one of the "rules" he and Lily discussed before they started having their PA. My H went to her house for the first time...and spent the weekend with her. Her kids were at their father's house for the weekend...so they had all weekend long to "play house".

My H told me he was adamant about NOT going to her house...at first. But after a month into their PA...Lily didn't want to go to the hotel anymore. She said it made her feel like a whore to go there at night...have sex with him...then leave to go back home to her children. DUH duh !!! At this point...they had only had sex twice in the previous two weeks. My H tried to placate her...telling her she was a FRIEND...not a whore rolleyes . He even took her out on a date and went sightseeing with her...like "friends" would. That still didn't work. So he gave in and told her he would go to her house for the weekend. He said it was so he wouldn't be alone at the hotel all weekend duh .

This was one of the times when we got the timeline wrong...before we saw the google timeline that showed THIS was the weekend he spent at her house. My H knew he had spent a weekend at her house...he just didn't know WHICH weekend it was. He also knew that he had called me from her house...the ONLY time he called me from her house...at least that was what he told me. From the records we had...it seemed like he had gone to spend Friday night at her house...but had gone back to the hotel Saturday night. The main reason for me thinking this was because we spent 45 minutes on the phone on Saturday night. He would NOT have spent that long on the phone at HER house...at least that was what I THOUGHT.

We could tell from the restaurant receipts that he spent ALL DAY with Lily. My mind was picturing a sex fest...but my H told me that was not it at all. He said most of the time they were at her house...which he said wasn't very much...she was spending it doing the laundry. Suuuuuuuure duh . I asked him WHY would he stay at her house then...sitting on her couch while she was doing the laundry. His answer was because it was better than him being alone at the hotel. That didn't make sense because he spent the very next day alone at the hotel duh . Something didn't FIT duh .

After we saw the google timeline and realized it was THIS particular weekend my H spent with Lily...it was an eye opener for sure. I could tell he left the hotel on Friday night after his call to me. He and Lily spent several hours the next morning going to some kind of shopping center where she bought groceries and other things for her family. They went to lunch and then went back to her house in the afternoon. A few hours later they were back out...sightseeing. They went to a restaurant that was a little out of the way...had dinner...then drove back to her house. About 10 minutes later is when my H called me and we talked for 45 minutes. It was after 11pm their time before we ended the call. By 10am the next morning he was on his way back to the hotel. According to him...he was distraught over calling me from her house...and didn't sleep well anyway on her hard mattress...which was actually two twin mattresses placed side by side. He said he cried all the way back to the hotel and swore he would never do that again. He actually held to that promise and never spent the whole weekend there after that. The google timeline showed that he would leave the hotel right after he called me at night...then call me the next morning as soon as he got back to the hotel...so he could get his morning and evening calls in to me...so I do know that part was true.

That part though...where he said it was better to stay at Lily's house than to be alone at the hotel...that didn't FIT. He HAD spent other times at the hotel by himself...so WHY was THIS time different? WHY would he say that? Was he just making it up?

The answer came last year...when I remembered something smile . My H had told me how a coworker was having his sister coming over for a visit. She had to go to a nearby country on business...but she was going to come in for the weekend to visit with her brother. Because I thought my H spent a DIFFERENT weekend at Lily's...I never put two and two together...until last year smile . I asked my H last year if it was THIS particular weekend that his coworker's sister was visiting. This would make sense...since the coworker was who my H normally spent time with off of work when not with Lily. My H couldn't remember from that far back...so I let it slide.

A few minutes later I got a call from my H at his job. He had pulled up his time sheets from that job over 8 years ago...and it showed that his coworker indeed had his sister there THAT weekend smile . Another piece to the puzzle FIT grin !!! It might not seem like much. My H fucked another woman. Who cares whether he went to her house to do it or not. BUT...my H was honest when he was telling me details about his A. He even went out of his way...EIGHT YEARS LATER...to find out some trivial information because he knew it would HELP me smile . It DID help grin .

THIS year...I can reflect on LAST year...and SMILE smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8742192
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, July 7th, 2022

I'm coming in on the home stretch! June is BEHIND me now...and I am rather proud of the way it went this year smile . We had a WONDERFUL Independence Day weekend with family...and some hometown watermelons...THREE to be exact laugh !! My H smoked baby back ribs that came out AWESOME too!! HE gets to have fun with his smoker...and I don't have to cook...WIN-WIN grin !!

Today is another day that the google timeline showed I was wrong from the calendar timelines my H and went through. Changing ONE detail last year after looking at the calendars again corroborated that my H really was NOT in love with the adultery co-conspirator...just like he said...but my mind movies were showing me otherwise. It also corroborated several other things that my H had told me...but I didn't really think they were true...until the google timeline proved to me that they WERE grin .

My H couldn't remember dates...but he did remember that right before he left Holland...Lily was on her period. He also remembered that toward the end of his time there...Lily wanted to fix him a Dutch meal...she gave him 2 BJ's at the hotel...and a hand job at her house. We put a calendar timeline together from the other information he remembered...but I misjudged the timing of her cycle...apparently she was very regular! I had put together the time she cooked a meal for him AND the handjob at the same time...but that wasn't the case at all. The google timeline clarified the dates of when my H actually went to her house.

This detail didn't seem like much...until I revised the calendar timeline. My H went to Lily's house on this day 8 years ago to have an authentic Dutch meal. It was a Monday...10 days before he left her country. He didn't go back to her house until the Saturday...July 12th. IF he was really "in love" with her...there would be no way he would stay away from her right before he was leaving her country...period or not. ONE corroboration smile .

Lily went to the hotel on Tuesday and Thursday...July 8th and 10th. This was actually the 1st time she went back to the hotel since he started going to her house on June 27th. According to my H...one of their "rules" was if they were together then they WOULD be having sex. Since Lily was on her period...he didn't want to fuck her...so she gave him blowjobs those 2 times she went to the hotel.

My H had always said that ANY blowjob is a good one. He can't say it anymore laugh ! My H said that Lily gave him such bad blowjobs that he told her to never give him another one after she gave him that last one on the 10th. Yeah right rolleyes . I surely didn't believe THAT...especially when he told me he had an orgasm for every one. They couldn't have been that bad duh !!

However...by moving the handjob on the calendar from July 7th to July 12th...everything FIT. It was then that I understood that the handjob wasn't just something Lily came up with to have a little FUN by doing a new thing. She was still on her period at that point. Lily knew he wouldn't fuck her...and she knew she couldn't give him a BJ...so she had to come up with a way to get my H to her house and to give him sex. TWO corroborations!!

The google timeline also showed that my H left the next day instead of spending the night at her house again. However...he went back to her house on Monday and Tuesday...the 14th and 15th. She went to his hotel on Wednesday the 16th...and brought him to the airport on Thursday the 17th...the last time they saw each other.

My H told me that he went all those days to her house because she was off of her period and he wanted to ride the ride until the park closed. Of course...BEFORE the timeline...I was picturing it a LOT differently. Lily even told me in an email that she was laying right by my H's side when he would call me at night. My H was ADAMANT that this NEVER happened. I could corroborate this in the beginning because he would call me from the restaurant where he was eating on the nights that she went to the hotel...restaurants that WE went to before I had to leave. I actually talked to some of these waitresses during these calls because we had become friends with them. There was NO WAY my H was going to jeopardize his dirty little secret by bringing Lily to these restaurants. When he started going to her house though...I had no time stamped restaurant receipts or conversations to PROVE that he was telling the truth. I decided to take him at his word...but I have to admit that in the back of my mind I wondered if what Lily had told me was the truth.

That's where the google timeline was very helpful...AGAIN smile . I could see that my H would talk to me BEFORE he left the hotel to go to Lily's house. Sometimes it was only a 10 minute span between the time we hung up and the time he left the hotel...but it was yet ANOTHER corroboration grin !!

My H had an A. That's a FACT crying . BUT my H confessed to his A. Another FACT. He told me things about his A that HURT. FACT. But they were the TRUTH. FACT smile . I believe in what has often been written on here...it isn't the AFFAIR that kills the M...it is the LIES afterward. My H wasn't truthful with everything...at first. Once he saw how much I needed to hear the truth though...no matter how painful...he put aside his pride and selfishness to reveal as much as he could remember. With the corroboration I found later...with the help from this site...I could tell he was telling me the truth smile . I can't stress enough how being TRUTHFUL helped me to HEAL from this smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8743654
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 9:08 PM on Sunday, July 10th, 2022

One week left of this 8th A season. It is also the most triggering. I remember very well how I was FEELING this last week before my H came home. My H was manipulating me into believing he was feeling pretty much the same way. There was no way he was though NOW that I KNOW what he was REALLY doing during this time crying .

He spent 6 of the last 7 days with Lily. The night before he left her country...he told her that he never thought he could love two women at the same time. He said Lily was ecstatic when she heard this...telling him she KNEW he was in love with her all along. I had the opposite feeling when I heard it though crying .

I do have to say that from the time my H confessed of his A...he has always said that he was NOT "in love" with Lily. He admitted that he did have "feelings of love" for her though. Lily thought that night that he meant that he was in love with her like he was in love with me...and he didn't set that straight. Whatever.

I told him this morning...tears slowly going down my face...that I couldn't believe he could even put the two of us together like that. My H and I had been knowing each other over 30 years at that point...and I was a FAITHFUL wife that whole time. Yet he was feeling the SAME way for a WHORE that he met just 67 days before???!!! I told him that this was another stab in the back to me when I heard this crying .

He reached for my hand and told me he was sorry for hurting me. He said what he has always said was his reason for telling this to Lily. He saw she was sad about him leaving. He wanted to say something that would make her feel not so sad. He also said that his selfish self wanted to leave her thinking that HE was all that and a bag of chips duh .

I told him that logically I understood...but it still HURT to know he would tell someone else he loved them as much as me. He then said...in all seriousness...that Lily wasn't even a pimple on my butt...that is how little he regards her now look . I just busted out LAUGHING laugh !!!

I guess it was something that was so out of what I was thinking...but it was like his words tickled my brain or something...and I just had to laugh at that thought that came in my head laugh !! At least it stopped the tears...and that is always a GOOD thing smile .

Ever since then...I just look at him every once in a while and ask..."So Lily isn't even a pimple on my butt"? And he reiterates that she is NOT even a pimple on my butt laugh !! Y'all...I don't get it...but it just keeps making me LAUGH laugh !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8744122
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:07 AM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

The pimple comment made me laugh.

I love and admire how real and honest and direct you are, and how simultaneously you are positive and have a sense of humor. It’s heartwarming and helpful as someone who isn’t as far along in this hard journey. Thank you. ❤️

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month emotional and physical affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020 (soft evidence followed by a month of lies). DD2: 7/3/2020 (hard evidence, truth, started reconciliation journey).

posts: 190   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8744140
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:48 AM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

This has become quite a tradition for you, hasn't it? Every year for the past few years you've started a similar thread. I read the previous ones. I have to admit, except for the first few paragraphs in your first post, I just scrolled on down to the end.

And you wonder why you're getting hit with triggers.

I dare you to skip this next year.

I double dare you.

I double dog dare you!!!

smile

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6536   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8744149
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 4:27 AM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

I double dog dare you!!!


Narrator: Now it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you?" And then the coup de grace of all dares: the sinister triple-dog-dare.

Is this going to end with someone's tongue frozen to a flagpole?

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 11:53 AM, Monday, July 11th]

WW/BW

posts: 2835   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8744154
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

Grieving...thank YOU for your kind and supportive words smile . Your profession is PERFECT with this attitude you have. How BLESSED your students are grin !!

I can only think that it was what "comic relief" means when I started LAUGHING laugh . My H was so SERIOUS when he said it...and it wasn't a comical time. But the TIMING was perfect...I hope I am making sense!! It sure made my mood more lighthearted smile .

Unhinged...double dog dare me??? Thank goodness you didn't triple dog dare me laugh !!! YOU helped me in skipping the tradition of going through those danged calendars every A season...and it really DID help me...thanks for that Lil Bro smile . I haven't looked at one of those calendars this year grin . But...I don't have anyone else to talk to about this particular time...except for my H. With him not being a BS...there are some things that even he can't understand about what I am going through.

I also want to hold myself accountable...not sugar coat anything...so I post it publicly on here. I want to look back through these seasons and see how FAR I have come too smile . I DO get triggered more this time of the year...but it isn't the blinding RAGE I used to have anymore...PROGRESS grin !!

BTW...when I told my H what you wrote...he told me you were RIGHT rolleyes laugh !!!

BraveSirRobin... laugh laugh laugh

I LOVE that movie grin !! I can't speak for my Lil Bro...but I am too gullible...so I would believe what Schwartz said laugh !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8744262
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