Topic is Sleeping.
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:54 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022
I love your positive spirit, and especially your commitment to forming new, constructive memories to overwrite some of the pain. ❤️
Husband of 20 years had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Two teenaged kids. Reconciling.
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 7:40 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
Today...May 24th...the first night my H and the adultery co-conspirator spent together at my H's hotel room. I have come to terms with it...not accepted it...but adapted to it.
This year though has been unusually weird. I have been triggering a lot...and I didn't understand WHY. As a person who believes everything happens for a reason...I have been racking my brain as to WHAT the reason is for this year.
I started reading another post from a woman going through her own A season...Luna10. This is her post: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/656610/is-5-years-out-some-sort-of-milestone-/
As I was reading it...it dawned on me that I am experiencing a similar situation that I was having 8 years ago around this time
. I had to leave my H working alone overseas 8 years ago because of a family emergency. It was a pretty stressful time. This was when my H decided to have his A. Even though it is a different type of family emergency I am having now...the stress is pretty much the same as it was 8 years ago. My H has been so wonderful through this...but the triggers haven't been letting up. It didn't even dawn on me until I read that other thread and realized WHY I am feeling like this!! AHA!!! My limbic system is working very well...and my lizard brain is helping me to AVOID this experience again
!! It is amazing how our brain works...but sometimes it can sure throw us for a loop
!!
It doesn't help that today is the day that I caught my 1st H with an adultery co-conspirator...38 years ago
. He left me the next day for that adultery co-conspirator. My experience with THIS particular date has had TWO major issues...and my limbic system has kept them for reference. The GOOD news is that I can retrain my lizard brain by having better experiences for this time
. What works for ME is being a helper
. Helping others brings JOY to my life...and what better person to help right now than my H
. Helping him with issues he is going through will help ME to calm my lizard brain down...and have GOOD experiences with him too...WIN-WIN
!!
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 4:00 PM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022
What a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was focusing on getting through the trauma from what had happened 8 years ago to my precious M. Today my heart is so heavy...for something that didn't happen TO me
. An evil person killed...at last count...19 children and 2 teachers at an elementary school in Texas
.
Today was a very sore day for me...the day my H brought the adultery co-conspirator to a windmill restaurant that we had talked about going to before I had to leave for a family emergency. But now...it is NOTHING compared to how my soul is grieving for these innocent lives
.
We had already planned on going to a specialty restaurant in our town where my H helped me to OWN this day. I wrote about it on page 9 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum. We will still go there...but the feeling is different now.
Those poor parents...those poor students...that poor community
. Heaven gained 21 beautiful souls from this tragic incident...and hell gained 1.
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022
I don’t know how I missed this thread. You have done great with the triggers and I have learned a lot from you on handling my own. I am also entering A season "PA season". EA’s we’re already under way at this time.
Keep doing what you’re doing and put another one in the rear view mirror.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 1:30 AM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022
Aw heck Tanner...I wasn't aware this was an A season for you too (((HUGS))). I have calmed down a lot since I realized the stress I am going through right now with a family member is much like the stress I was feeling 8 years ago from the family emergency that came up and had me come back to America.
Ironically...that specialty restaurant my H and I were going to go to today was closed. The sign said it was closed because...I kid you not...of a family emergency
. This is a weird sign for me...and I am not sure what it represents. I just know that we are not the ONLY family having to deal with what we are dealing with right now...even though it seems very isolating at times. But I am preaching to the choir...aren't I
?!
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:21 AM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022
I am preaching to the choir...aren't I wink ?!
I get it 😀
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 2:44 PM on Monday, June 6th, 2022
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 10:37 PM on Sunday, June 12th, 2022
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
getbusyliving ( member #71058) posted at 1:59 AM on Monday, June 13th, 2022
W2BHA
My H has been telling me that he KNOWS this...but he doesn't REMEMBER it look . That didn't make sense to me duh . He tried explaining it as he KNOWS they had oral sex twice before they had PIV sex. But to tell me what she was wearing...where they went before that...or who got undressed first...he doesn't remember those details. HOW CAN HE NOT REMEMBER DETAILS AFTER 8 YEARS duh ???!!! I REMEMBER the details he told me. WHY can't HE?????
My WH would respond something like "how do you remember all this?" or go "wow, you just remember everything don't you" or something like that, when I would raise something he told me post ddays. Given I was thinking about it 24/7 for so long and as he confessed years of cheating to me in one night, I would be going through the multiple times he cheated and trying to remember that particular year and what was happening or that month or that week, yes it was easy for me to remember!!! What I couldn't understand is why he could not - or maybe would not. And this was general information, not bloody absolute specifics!!! But then I was pulling information out of him, he was not readily offering me up information.
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:06 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022
getbusyliving...that must have been heart wrenching to find out about YEARS of infidelity in one night (((HUGS))). After my H confessed about his PA while overseas...I also found out that for about 2 years before that he was having OA's when I wasn't at home with him. They were random...but it was helping him to build up to having his PA. He kept the OA's a secret that whole time and I guess he felt having the PA would be just as easy to keep secret...until he saw me in the airport when he came back home from overseas where he had his A
.
I had so much evidence from this time to be able to put things together in those calendars I made. My H was not forthcoming at first...but once he saw how it helped ease my mind a bit to know the truth...no matter how painful...he began to describe the details that I needed. He gave me details that I didn't think to ask about too...things that helped to make ALL of the pieces FIT. They HURT
. But honestly...they weren't as painful as the mind movies I was having. My H's A was not AT ALL like the Hollywood version that is portrayed. There was NOTHING glamorous or FUN about it...except for the RUSH my H would get when he could USE Lily for sex...then roll over and "dismiss" her
. When they both realized they were actually USING each other...after Dday...it changed their perception for sure. I was able to see it in my H's eyes as it was happening...and that was priceless!
I went over the calendars a lot during that first year after Dday. Then every year after that...during A season...I would revisit those calendars. This was NOT helping me because it was building a rut in my neuropathways. That was what I read somewhere...but it sure did seem to be what was happening to me! How could I forget...when I kept reliving these things over and over...and I wasn't even THERE
!! My H...on the other hand...just wanted to FORGET this dark time in his life. I am hoping that one day I will be as forgetful as he is when it comes to his A.
For future W2BHA...today's "One Thing" was kind of cool
. It talked about how we live in a very sex-charged society that has nothing to do with God's plan for sex in a Christian M. It went on to say that the BEST sex happens in a Christian M. I don't know about that because I have only had sex with my 2 H's. My H wholeheartedly agreed with that part though. So who knows.
It also talked about how our bodies are designed to FIT together. That was interesting. My H would say how certain sexual positions didn't work for him and Lily because they didn't FIT. She had some kind of obstruction when she was belly down...so doggy style...or bending her over to fuck her didn't work. They found other positions that worked though...so who cares...they still fucked
. BUT...it was something my H often said after Dday...that WE FIT just fine
.
It ended with the "One Thing" to do TODAY...to take a step to ENJOY sex together
. OK
!!!
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 7:25 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022
Eight years ago today my H broke one of the "rules" he and Lily discussed before they started having their PA. My H went to her house for the first time...and spent the weekend with her. Her kids were at their father's house for the weekend...so they had all weekend long to "play house".
My H told me he was adamant about NOT going to her house...at first. But after a month into their PA...Lily didn't want to go to the hotel anymore. She said it made her feel like a whore to go there at night...have sex with him...then leave to go back home to her children. DUH
!!! At this point...they had only had sex twice in the previous two weeks. My H tried to placate her...telling her she was a FRIEND...not a whore
. He even took her out on a date and went sightseeing with her...like "friends" would. That still didn't work. So he gave in and told her he would go to her house for the weekend. He said it was so he wouldn't be alone at the hotel all weekend
.
This was one of the times when we got the timeline wrong...before we saw the google timeline that showed THIS was the weekend he spent at her house. My H knew he had spent a weekend at her house...he just didn't know WHICH weekend it was. He also knew that he had called me from her house...the ONLY time he called me from her house...at least that was what he told me. From the records we had...it seemed like he had gone to spend Friday night at her house...but had gone back to the hotel Saturday night. The main reason for me thinking this was because we spent 45 minutes on the phone on Saturday night. He would NOT have spent that long on the phone at HER house...at least that was what I THOUGHT.
We could tell from the restaurant receipts that he spent ALL DAY with Lily. My mind was picturing a sex fest...but my H told me that was not it at all. He said most of the time they were at her house...which he said wasn't very much...she was spending it doing the laundry. Suuuuuuuure
. I asked him WHY would he stay at her house then...sitting on her couch while she was doing the laundry. His answer was because it was better than him being alone at the hotel. That didn't make sense because he spent the very next day alone at the hotel
. Something didn't FIT
.
After we saw the google timeline and realized it was THIS particular weekend my H spent with Lily...it was an eye opener for sure. I could tell he left the hotel on Friday night after his call to me. He and Lily spent several hours the next morning going to some kind of shopping center where she bought groceries and other things for her family. They went to lunch and then went back to her house in the afternoon. A few hours later they were back out...sightseeing. They went to a restaurant that was a little out of the way...had dinner...then drove back to her house. About 10 minutes later is when my H called me and we talked for 45 minutes. It was after 11pm their time before we ended the call. By 10am the next morning he was on his way back to the hotel. According to him...he was distraught over calling me from her house...and didn't sleep well anyway on her hard mattress...which was actually two twin mattresses placed side by side. He said he cried all the way back to the hotel and swore he would never do that again. He actually held to that promise and never spent the whole weekend there after that. The google timeline showed that he would leave the hotel right after he called me at night...then call me the next morning as soon as he got back to the hotel...so he could get his morning and evening calls in to me...so I do know that part was true.
That part though...where he said it was better to stay at Lily's house than to be alone at the hotel...that didn't FIT. He HAD spent other times at the hotel by himself...so WHY was THIS time different? WHY would he say that? Was he just making it up?
The answer came last year...when I remembered something
. My H had told me how a coworker was having his sister coming over for a visit. She had to go to a nearby country on business...but she was going to come in for the weekend to visit with her brother. Because I thought my H spent a DIFFERENT weekend at Lily's...I never put two and two together...until last year
. I asked my H last year if it was THIS particular weekend that his coworker's sister was visiting. This would make sense...since the coworker was who my H normally spent time with off of work when not with Lily. My H couldn't remember from that far back...so I let it slide.
A few minutes later I got a call from my H at his job. He had pulled up his time sheets from that job over 8 years ago...and it showed that his coworker indeed had his sister there THAT weekend
. Another piece to the puzzle FIT
!!! It might not seem like much. My H fucked another woman. Who cares whether he went to her house to do it or not. BUT...my H was honest when he was telling me details about his A. He even went out of his way...EIGHT YEARS LATER...to find out some trivial information because he knew it would HELP me
. It DID help
.
THIS year...I can reflect on LAST year...and SMILE
.
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, July 7th, 2022
I'm coming in on the home stretch! June is BEHIND me now...and I am rather proud of the way it went this year
. We had a WONDERFUL Independence Day weekend with family...and some hometown watermelons...THREE to be exact
!! My H smoked baby back ribs that came out AWESOME too!! HE gets to have fun with his smoker...and I don't have to cook...WIN-WIN
!!
Today is another day that the google timeline showed I was wrong from the calendar timelines my H and went through. Changing ONE detail last year after looking at the calendars again corroborated that my H really was NOT in love with the adultery co-conspirator...just like he said...but my mind movies were showing me otherwise. It also corroborated several other things that my H had told me...but I didn't really think they were true...until the google timeline proved to me that they WERE
.
My H couldn't remember dates...but he did remember that right before he left Holland...Lily was on her period. He also remembered that toward the end of his time there...Lily wanted to fix him a Dutch meal...she gave him 2 BJ's at the hotel...and a hand job at her house. We put a calendar timeline together from the other information he remembered...but I misjudged the timing of her cycle...apparently she was very regular! I had put together the time she cooked a meal for him AND the handjob at the same time...but that wasn't the case at all. The google timeline clarified the dates of when my H actually went to her house.
This detail didn't seem like much...until I revised the calendar timeline. My H went to Lily's house on this day 8 years ago to have an authentic Dutch meal. It was a Monday...10 days before he left her country. He didn't go back to her house until the Saturday...July 12th. IF he was really "in love" with her...there would be no way he would stay away from her right before he was leaving her country...period or not. ONE corroboration
.
Lily went to the hotel on Tuesday and Thursday...July 8th and 10th. This was actually the 1st time she went back to the hotel since he started going to her house on June 27th. According to my H...one of their "rules" was if they were together then they WOULD be having sex. Since Lily was on her period...he didn't want to fuck her...so she gave him blowjobs those 2 times she went to the hotel.
My H had always said that ANY blowjob is a good one. He can't say it anymore
! My H said that Lily gave him such bad blowjobs that he told her to never give him another one after she gave him that last one on the 10th. Yeah right
. I surely didn't believe THAT...especially when he told me he had an orgasm for every one. They couldn't have been that bad
!!
However...by moving the handjob on the calendar from July 7th to July 12th...everything FIT. It was then that I understood that the handjob wasn't just something Lily came up with to have a little FUN by doing a new thing. She was still on her period at that point. Lily knew he wouldn't fuck her...and she knew she couldn't give him a BJ...so she had to come up with a way to get my H to her house and to give him sex. TWO corroborations!!
The google timeline also showed that my H left the next day instead of spending the night at her house again. However...he went back to her house on Monday and Tuesday...the 14th and 15th. She went to his hotel on Wednesday the 16th...and brought him to the airport on Thursday the 17th...the last time they saw each other.
My H told me that he went all those days to her house because she was off of her period and he wanted to ride the ride until the park closed. Of course...BEFORE the timeline...I was picturing it a LOT differently. Lily even told me in an email that she was laying right by my H's side when he would call me at night. My H was ADAMANT that this NEVER happened. I could corroborate this in the beginning because he would call me from the restaurant where he was eating on the nights that she went to the hotel...restaurants that WE went to before I had to leave. I actually talked to some of these waitresses during these calls because we had become friends with them. There was NO WAY my H was going to jeopardize his dirty little secret by bringing Lily to these restaurants. When he started going to her house though...I had no time stamped restaurant receipts or conversations to PROVE that he was telling the truth. I decided to take him at his word...but I have to admit that in the back of my mind I wondered if what Lily had told me was the truth.
That's where the google timeline was very helpful...AGAIN
. I could see that my H would talk to me BEFORE he left the hotel to go to Lily's house. Sometimes it was only a 10 minute span between the time we hung up and the time he left the hotel...but it was yet ANOTHER corroboration
!!
My H had an A. That's a FACT
. BUT my H confessed to his A. Another FACT. He told me things about his A that HURT. FACT. But they were the TRUTH. FACT
. I believe in what has often been written on here...it isn't the AFFAIR that kills the M...it is the LIES afterward. My H wasn't truthful with everything...at first. Once he saw how much I needed to hear the truth though...no matter how painful...he put aside his pride and selfishness to reveal as much as he could remember. With the corroboration I found later...with the help from this site...I could tell he was telling me the truth
. I can't stress enough how being TRUTHFUL helped me to HEAL from this
.
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 9:08 PM on Sunday, July 10th, 2022
One week left of this 8th A season. It is also the most triggering. I remember very well how I was FEELING this last week before my H came home. My H was manipulating me into believing he was feeling pretty much the same way. There was no way he was though NOW that I KNOW what he was REALLY doing during this time
.
He spent 6 of the last 7 days with Lily. The night before he left her country...he told her that he never thought he could love two women at the same time. He said Lily was ecstatic when she heard this...telling him she KNEW he was in love with her all along. I had the opposite feeling when I heard it though
.
I do have to say that from the time my H confessed of his A...he has always said that he was NOT "in love" with Lily. He admitted that he did have "feelings of love" for her though. Lily thought that night that he meant that he was in love with her like he was in love with me...and he didn't set that straight. Whatever.
I told him this morning...tears slowly going down my face...that I couldn't believe he could even put the two of us together like that. My H and I had been knowing each other over 30 years at that point...and I was a FAITHFUL wife that whole time. Yet he was feeling the SAME way for a WHORE that he met just 67 days before???!!! I told him that this was another stab in the back to me when I heard this
.
He reached for my hand and told me he was sorry for hurting me. He said what he has always said was his reason for telling this to Lily. He saw she was sad about him leaving. He wanted to say something that would make her feel not so sad. He also said that his selfish self wanted to leave her thinking that HE was all that and a bag of chips
.
I told him that logically I understood...but it still HURT to know he would tell someone else he loved them as much as me. He then said...in all seriousness...that Lily wasn't even a pimple on my butt...that is how little he regards her now
. I just busted out LAUGHING
!!!
I guess it was something that was so out of what I was thinking...but it was like his words tickled my brain or something...and I just had to laugh at that thought that came in my head
!! At least it stopped the tears...and that is always a GOOD thing
.
Ever since then...I just look at him every once in a while and ask..."So Lily isn't even a pimple on my butt"? And he reiterates that she is NOT even a pimple on my butt
!! Y'all...I don't get it...but it just keeps making me LAUGH
!!!
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:07 AM on Monday, July 11th, 2022
The pimple comment made me laugh.
I love and admire how real and honest and direct you are, and how simultaneously you are positive and have a sense of humor. It’s heartwarming and helpful as someone who isn’t as far along in this hard journey. Thank you. ❤️
Husband of 20 years had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Two teenaged kids. Reconciling.
Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:48 AM on Monday, July 11th, 2022
This has become quite a tradition for you, hasn't it? Every year for the past few years you've started a similar thread. I read the previous ones. I have to admit, except for the first few paragraphs in your first post, I just scrolled on down to the end.
And you wonder why you're getting hit with triggers.
I dare you to skip this next year.
I double dare you.
I double dog dare you!!!
Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022
"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown
BraveSirRobin ( Moderator #69242) posted at 4:27 AM on Monday, July 11th, 2022
I double dog dare you!!!
Narrator: Now it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you?" And then the coup de grace of all dares: the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Is this going to end with someone's tongue frozen to a flagpole?
[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:53 AM, Monday, July 11th]
Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, July 11th, 2022
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
Topic is Sleeping.