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Reconciliation :
Here it is again

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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

May 1st...the beginning of the month where BOTH of my H's started their A's...almost 30 years to the DAY look . Every year you wonderful people allow me to indulge in my journey of MY A season antiversary. Thank y'all for that smile .

A little back story for those who don't know. Because my H had his PA while working alone overseas...I have finite times to when THEY first met...down to THEIR last kiss. I could practically tell how long THEY were together...ate dinner...fucked...thanks to the google timeline that I was told about from this amazing site. The phone records...emails...whatsapp messages and SKYPE provided a plethora of information too. I have calendars that I made in Excel for May-July that are FULL of all of that...plus the minutes...sometimes seconds...from the time-stamped receipts of the events that THEY went to.

SO...EVERY freaking year I would pull out those danged calendars...pore over them...and get very BUMMED OUT remembering how I FELT during this time while he was away crying . I didn't get all of the info at first. In fact...the Craigslist account that I found out about on here...was somewhere after year 1. The google timeline I found out somewhere between year 2 and 3 I think. With the new information gathering from these two...I had to look at the calendars and make sure everything FIT. Doing all of this just created a RUT in my brain of EVERY FREAKING THING THEY DID during A season. It was pure torture. Especially June crying . THEY met after May started...and my H left the adultery co-conspirator's country in the middle of July...so there are parts of those two months where THEY didn't know or have contact with each other. But in June...my H called the adultery co-conspirator EVERY DAMN DAY crying .

This is my 8th A season that is coming up. I have tried different things to help me HEAL from this time. The BEST thing I ever did was to have my H PLAN a fabulous vacation on the FIRST A season that correlated with some of THEIR firsts...first date...first kiss...etc. It was so HARD to go through this vacation in a city that WE had never been to...so it was OUR first time there. EVERYTHING we did there was a FIRST for US...and it was NOT a fun time for me...at first. But as I went through these days...and STARED THEM DOWN...I became STRONGER smile . I now have AWESOME triggers to combat the horrible triggers from around that time. I OWN their FIRSTS!!! Did you see what I did there??? Extra points to those who figure it out laugh !!!

Around year 4 I purposefully made myself STOP looking at the calendars. I had ALL the information I could possibly have...I conquered everything I could...and there was NO reason to keep looking BACK. I honestly couldn't forget what had happened though because I had relived it from the previous years. But by year 6...I really had begun to forget...WIN-WIN for ME grin . Last year I decided to look at the calendars and the google timeline again. I was far enough removed from the emotion to look at it more clinically. I actually saw things that I had never realized before when the emotions were so high. These were things that helped me to understand WHY certain things happened during the A. Things that showed how MANIPULATIVE they each were toward one another laugh . We ALL know that every A is FAKE. Like someone once pointed out though...the sex is real. True. But the manipulation...the USING of each other that goes on with an A...that is real as well wink .

THIS year I am doing something that I started doing last year toward the end. I am going to look at the google timeline...for ALL of the years AFTER 2014 smile . I've got SEVEN times...SEVEN memories...EVERY DAY to look through the 68 days of their A...that WE have had since then grin . I actually started yesterday...with my H eagerly looking with me!! The first one brought a sad memory...it was a funeral we went to for a dear friend of ours sad . But it was FUN to see the other 6 and try to figure out exactly what was happening on that day smile . The year 2020...we didn't go anywhere on May 1st...and I am sure that will be the case for most of those days for that year laugh !!! Thank God THAT is behind us too!!

I will come back to this thread from time to time as A season progresses...just like I have with other threads I have started during this period. It is sort of a way for me to chronicle MY journey...MY feelings...and MY TRIUMPHS over A season grin . But I feel the need to write about it less and less. There is too much LIFE to LIVE on THIS side of infidelity!! Thank You God grin .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6035   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8733149
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:54 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Today is the start of A season. It stung when I saw the date...May 11...in my daily devotional today sad . But by the time my H and I finished our Bible Study...that feeling was long gone smile .

WE have been looking at the timeline together...something I wasn't expecting my H to WANT to do...but he is just as eager to look at it as I am grin ! We laugh at our very BORING day to day life laugh . And Bon Dieu...the year 2020 is the most boring of all!!! It is so funny to see the days where it just shows us at our house...not going anywhere laugh . I am sure a lot of people would have that on their timeline too!!

TODAY's date is very interesting. I didn't know at first that THIS day was the day my H and Lily met for the first time. By process of elimination we thought it was about a week later...until we saw the google timeline. For the first 2-3 years there wasn't much activity on THIS day. I guess once we found out from the google timeline what THIS day meant...I was determined to get POSITIVE triggers to combat the negative trigger this day brought. There is a LOT of activity on THIS day after those first few years...even going to a sushi restaurant like they did on the first day they met tongue !! I had always PLANNED on going to THE sushi restaurant where they met in the Netherlands...but last year I saw that it had permanently closed down. To ME...this is good...because I really have NO desire to travel overseas right now with everything going on in the world!!!

What is so weird to me is that THIS day didn't mean anything...until it did look . I happily passed over this day for several years...but dreaded the date I THOUGHT was their first meet up. Only...on THAT day...nothing really happened at all with them duh !! Then it went backward...I would dread THIS day...and feel relief on the original day I thought they met rolleyes . I don't feel dread over ANY day during A season anymore though...Thank You God smile .

My PLAN is to start feeling happiness for ALL the days during A season smile . I have some really HAPPY memories to combat the sad memories of what they did at the start of their A. This has really HELPED me to feel happy when I relive OUR memories smile . But the month of June has been a thorn in my side for far too long. I need to get that thorn OUT!! I have the tools...I know what to do...I just need to do it instead of staying in a paralyzed state!! I feel strong enough now to MOVE forward with my plan smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6035   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8734685
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I love your positive spirit, and especially your commitment to forming new, constructive memories to overwrite some of the pain. ❤️

posts: 132   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8734746
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Grieving...thank you for your kind words smile . I do tend to look toward the POSITIVE...and I now see it as a GIFT smile .

I have had MANY decades to process the pain from when I lost my Mama crying . I've come to know that the BAD memory of her passing away could not negate the GOOD memories we had together smile . The same is true with the BAD memories I have from my H's A. I remember very well how my GUT was screaming at me that something was off during his A...even with us being an ocean apart. I will NEVER forget those memories...but I won't forget the GOOD memories WE have had since then smile . I can CHOOSE to focus on the BAD...or the GOOD. I choose the GOOD grin .

YOU seem to be doing that as well Dear Lady smile !! I LOVE how you write in the Thankful Thursday thread about ALL of the things you have to be thankful for!! Thank you for letting us all see the beauty YOU see in your life grin .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6035   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8734861
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