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Divorce/Separation :
I have to admit A part of me is jealous of AP

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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 12:21 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

I know I have anger and my ex is terrible, but she and her AP are out of town together on a romantic camping trip and left their dog(that I like) for my son to watch. It is so frustrating because I don’t think in twenty years the two of us camped alone together. We had kids quickly and once in a while went out of town alone together. Those weekends we had fun and it wasn’t stressful like our day to day lives could be. She is probably in a honeymoon phase with this loser and I’m sure they get along because they’re living a fairy tale without his five kids and her two. They rent an expensive place and probably have this hot romance I didn’t get because we had day to day stresses she doesn’t have now. She works but her job currently has lots of freedom. I’m frustrated she thinks our relationship didn’t work and probably her new one does. Of course. It’s not reality. Why do I care? I don’t know.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8732821
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 2:28 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

I hear you!!
I am on the same page as you. As much as we try not to give a hoot, it still hurts and jealousy comes out.
My xwh is traveling all over the world with AP. Something I didn’t get to do because I was busy raising three kids and dealing with all things related to parenting.
But the AP gets dressed up for fancy dinners, and goes on nice vacations. It’s not fair. Not at all. I hate them both.
But you better believe karma is a bitch.
Someone cannot hurt another human being and get away with it.
Your WW may look like she’s having a good time. And maybe she is. But it is fleeting. It is temporary. There’s justice waiting for her.
She can’t destroy your life and go on to live a good one herself. It won’t happen.
Hang in there.

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8732837
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 2:38 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Thank you so much DailyGratitude. I needed that. I know she’s done these things and really hurt me but I miss what I thought was special before. I need to live in the present. Sorry you are having similar feelings with your WH traveling. It sucks and on one hand I like when people understand but I hate to hear anyone knowing how bad it feels from experience.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8732843
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:46 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

A relationship that starts as an affair is rife with stress and problems.

It’s like putting lipstick on a pig. It appears to hide the ugliness of the relationship, but the cracks will soon show.

One will accuse the other of cheating. It may or may not be true but it’s the idea they both know what the other is capable of.

It might look all glamorous from afar, but I am certain it’s not all glamorous up close.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11862   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8732844
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 2:59 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

This situation just hurts and sucks, and I'm very sorry for that. But you are the one that has all the respect in the family. You are the one showing your boys what it looks like to be reaponsible, be a good person, be a man.

With their mom, it's totally different and inferior--they are just trying to salvage something with the only mom they have. It must be so hard for them. They are feeling their own abandonment hurts, and they don't want to completely lose her from their lives even though they clearly have little respect for her behavior and choices.

She will always be that person who did those things. Yuck.

But you will always be this strong, reliable, upstanding guy who knows what it means to live right.

Any sleazy person can have a fun night or weekend or moment, but they are still sleazy. Their choices always come back and reveal them in all their messed up glory. But you need to spend more time seeing that the reverse is true for you right now--you may not be having your fun moment, but your choices will again reveal the true you and attract new people and great opportunities. That's how karma works. You have to truly believe this for it to happen though. And that is the ticket to peace: think about building your life up instead of thinking about hers. Take those trips! Alone or with others. Learn those new skills, take up fun activities, meet new people. Whenever you want to think about her life, snap that rubberband and plan your own. Your kids are getting older, so there is time for you to spend on you. Treat yourself as specially as you hope to be treated by a partner one day.

It's hard, I know. But you deserve positive thoughts about you. She deserves none of your energy. She's nothing. And your boys know that, but it hurts them. Let them see you focused on you because they know you DO deserve that.

So what's YOUR next trip gonna be?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:06 AM, Saturday, April 30th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5467   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8732846
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 4:19 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

I will add that you are making assumptions. You said "they are on a romantic trip" "she is in a honeymoon phase" "they probably have this hot romance" but you don't know. You don't know if any of this is true.

Maybe he hates camping, maybe he keeps thinking if she will cheat on him like she did on you (I would). Maybe she would rather go somewhere else but they can't afford. I'm making assumptions too because the truth is that we don't know their reality and I can tell you that it cannot be good when you started something lying and cheating on someone else.

[This message edited by papoula at 3:52 AM, Sunday, May 1st]

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 140   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8732856
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 3:47 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. I will continue working n myself and spending time with my sons. Her life shouldn’t be my focus. I can’t let her get me down. I do go through this process in a range of emotions. Some days I’m angry, but others I am sad for everyone that it didn’t work out. I need to live for the future and not look back.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8732900
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 5:05 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

My ex insisted that we have some sort of fancy clothes hangers. I hated them. It was impossible to slide clothes onto or off of them. I was just fine with the cheap plastic ones. When she asked me what color of those fancy ones I wanted, I said I wanted just plain plastic ones. Her feelings were hurt.

After the separation and divorce, she still had a lot of stuff in the former family home. I'm a decent man so I would load some of her stuff up and take it over to her new place. She and her partner asked me in for coffee one time, so I obliged and spend about 20 minutes "visiting". Her partner told me that she hated those stupid fancy hangers! I laughed out loud and said something like, "well, you're the one who has to deal with them now!"

No longer my monkey and no longer my circus.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 391   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8732914
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robinbird12 ( new member #80235) posted at 7:08 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

I loved the honeymoon stage with my WH and it was easily the best time of my life. I’m so jealous AP gets that now, but I know how it ends. My ex is a narcissist and it’s classic love bombing before the controlling, criticising and eventual discard. Maybe it won’t happen to her because they won’t have kids. I don’t know…

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732934
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 8:35 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

@robinbird

I don’t mean to hijack this OP but narcs discard whether they have children with the partner or not.

They almost always get bored and need the next new toy. My xwh has started to devalue his AP and is looking for someone to replace her. And he thought he was in love with her.

@lonelyholidays

It’s normal to have all sorts of emotions throughout the day. Heck, for me, they change minute to minute! I hate him, I miss him, I hate him, I want him back.

Once you get your footing, things will get easier. I know i am much better than i was 3 months ago.

Get excited about the new memories you will make with your children. And maybe with a new partner. Letting go is so frigging hard. One day at a time. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 8:37 PM, Saturday, April 30th]

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8732941
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 11:12 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Thank you. I had a heartbreaking moment with my son today. He’s been laying in his room a lot. I need to find a therapist for him. He’s had depression over the divorce and his girlfriend who has been dramatic and maybe more harm than good. I asked my son to go to a festival today so we could get out of the house. It was by the beach and I thought it would be good for both of us. He complained and reluctantly went with me. I asked what’s wrong and he didn’t want to talk. I was insensitive and said he needs to stop moping and staying in his room. We parked a few minutes later and he starting bawling crying. I shouldn’t have been rude. I need him to not be mad at me. He’s been really moody. I understand this must be rough. On top of it he’s never really met too many friends in this town in the last few years since we arrived and has had heart surgeries. His life has been hard and I want to help him. I am still trying to cope with this new life myself.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8733066
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