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Divorce/Separation :
Help me stay NC

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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 7:06 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

LB - it's early for you and your feelings are normal but it might help if you take Dee's words to heart.

He sees you as weak. Keep reading that and saying it to yourself. He does not respect you because you are, in his mind, weak.

Get angry about that. He is not the person you can vulnerable with anymore because your vulnerability (a tear, a text, etc) is a turnoff to him. He sees you as weak.

Get angry.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8731903
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 8:57 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

I want to reply to him so bad. I’m so glad I came here first. I haven’t heard anything from him today. I guess he gave up already. Those little bits of hopium are dangerous. I know if I talk to him, I’ll just end up hurt. I honestly think that he is confident I’ll just take him back when he ends his affair. He’s delusional. It’s so bizarre.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731916
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 10:13 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

You're his safety net. He gets to play and have fun and if it doesn't work out, well, he has you. And if it does work out? He won't look back.

He may not consciously think that, but that's what it is. He is used to you being there. He knows he can come home if he gets the sads or needs a warm shoulder. He does not think you are strong enough to move on. He does not have enough respect for you to see you as your own person with her own agency. You are HIS soft landing should he need it.

Get angry.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8731938
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 10:24 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

I just gave my attorney the green light to draft the summons and petition. Whew…I must breathe. Breathe…breathe…

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 2:03 AM, Tuesday, April 26th]

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731940
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 10:42 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

Great job! You can do this!

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1080   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8731947
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 2:04 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Thank you leafields.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731989
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:37 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

You're his safety net. He gets to play and have fun and if it doesn't work out, well, he has you. And if it does work out? He won't look back.

There it is. That's exactly it. You aren't a full person to him. You're a convenience.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4996   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8731998
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Broken1Again ( member #32211) posted at 4:18 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Now that your lawyer is drafting wait until he gets papers and then see how the nice texts turn into not so nice texts . That’s when I think you’ll be so proud you didn’t give in. What are texts anyways? Words… they’re just words. If he really wanted to be with you and wasn’t just trying to make sure he has you right where he wants you, he’d be with you. He would have no need to text you because he would be with you. Fighting for you.

Updated: been on here since my oldest was 12
BS: 51
WS: 53
Two boys 22/24
Married 26 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. WS is a serial cheater. I stay for financial reasons.

posts: 1076   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2011
id 8732004
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 2:20 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I just gave my attorney the green light to draft the summons and petition. Whew…I must breathe. Breathe…breathe…

Big step. Scary! Painful! You keep breathing. You are showing your strength. No one gets to treat you like this. No one. That's the message you are sending and it's powerful and right. The pain will pass, honestly, it will, but the strength? That will grow even more.

One step at a time.

As for his response? Doesn't matter. Grey rock is your friend. He may have a fit because his plan B isn't behaving but that is preposterous! You're a person not a thing. He doesn't get to treat you this way and his thoughts on the subject are laughably irrelevant.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8732050
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 9:23 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

He texted last night that he missed me. I caved and said I missed him too (I know, I know!). BUT, when I tried to talk more, he was kind of a dick. That actually made me dislike him even more, so it worked in my favor. TBH, I don’t even care how it made me look to him. He can think I’m weak. I know I’m not. Today, I’m feeling almost indifferent. It feels kind of powerful.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8732143
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 12:22 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I’m so proud. He stopped by our house to pick up some stuff, and he got nothing from me. No kibble, no cake. He thinks he’s getting sick. I told him I hope he feels better. I said nothing about our relationship or about his AP. He sat and waited, like he was expecting me to say something, but I didn’t. He told me that I look good; I said thank you. He told me he loved me before he left. I said it back. Then he sat in the driveway for 5 minutes before leaving. I took none of the bait. I’m doing the 180 for real and it feels goooood.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8732579
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 12:36 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Good for you for staying strong!! These are the victory moments you need to remember going forward when you feel weak. It gets easier as time goes by. Your husband will be SOOOOO regretful for having lost you.

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8732586
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 2:09 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

A wise saying I've seen around here is that the opposite of love is actually indifference. Once you truly reach that point, I guarantee that the peace gained is priceless.

posts: 382   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8732612
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robinbird12 ( new member #80235) posted at 4:32 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Wow!! Lost and broken you are sooo strong!! I am so proud of you!! He was really desperate for ego kibbles!! I can’t believe he sat in his car for 5 minutes! laugh

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732636
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 8:26 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Thank you, robinbird!! I appreciate your kindness and encouragement!! 😊

I know last time he sat in the driveway for a while before leaving he was texting with AP, so who knows what he was doing. Who cares, right? I confess, I still care. However, it’s not causing such a visceral response anymore. I can eat again! My mom is happy 😊. I lost too much weight in the past month. Wow, we’re nearly 2 months out from D-day, I guess it’s been over the last 2 months.

Anyway, I hope things are going well for you too robinbird! Stay strong!! You’ve got this and you’re going to come out even stronger on the other side!

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 8:26 PM, Friday, April 29th]

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8732766
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