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Divorce/Separation :
Help me stay NC

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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:48 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

You will absolutely hit a point where your heart has no interest in a relationship with him.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4996   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8731305
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

You will absolutely hit a point where your heart has no interest in a relationship with him.

I can see how that will happen. I feel better the longer I don’t talk to him.

I confess, I had to text him. I got a weird text from Amazon last night saying my acct. was locked due to fraudulent activity. I was pretty sure it wasn’t legit, but I looked in the bank account, and there was a significant Amazon charge in there. So, I got a little worried because it wasn’t my charge so I needed to ask him if it was his. It wasn’t his either, so I did some digging and found out it was the yearly prime renewal. I feel like a dumb head, but with that weird text, and then money out of the bank account, I got kind of nervous.

I stuck to the topic of the Amazon account and didn’t talk about anything else. If anything, I would say I was a gray rock. I don’t feel like I caved. It was kind of urgent since it involved the bank account.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 11:26 PM, Friday, April 22nd]

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731334
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:40 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

It does take time for the heart to catch up with the mind your D-Day is recent too. Give yourself time and grace. Also if you break NC, just get back up on the NC horse again. I just broke NC recently because my ex put our daughter in the middle again. Of course just that broken NC set me back and put me in a depression it's just not worth it... so back to NC I go laugh

One thing that really helped me was making the lists of the rotten things my xWS did and how he treated me. Those lists helped me on more than one occasion.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8211   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8731340
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 2:46 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

So, guess who unexpectedly showed up at home? WH! He came over to pick up a vehicle to bring it to his family member’s house to work on it. He says he thinks about me all the time, and he thinks about coming back home, blah blah blah. He almost texted me today because he thought of me due to the weather we were having (I love the type of weather we had today).

I was a total 180 from the last time he saw me. The NC all week really did me some good. No tears, no drama. He asked how I was doing, and I said "not too bad, actually." I think that was a bit unexpected for both of us. Last time he saw me I was doing the pick me dance, tears, drama, the whole bit.

He’s helping AP move to a new apartment tomorrow (with a roommate). Very calm and matter of factly I said, "you know I’m completely against that, right?" And he said he knew that. And I said "but you’re going to do it anyway." He just looked at me. I didn’t react. I then told him if he didn’t do it, it would be saying a lot. Then I dropped it.

Then he went out to the garage to hook up the vehicle, and I stayed in the house and cranked up some tunes and made some food. He came in and asked what I was doing. I told him I was making food and asked if he wanted some. Again, I was totally just…cool and calm. I was enjoying my tunes and just…living.

As he was leaving he said, "so, talk to you later?" I shrugged and said “I don’t know.”

Then I said, "I hope you think of me when you’re fucking her tomorrow!"

He said, "That’s not gonna happen tomorrow.”

I said, "Bullshit."

Then he left.

I’m still not doing too bad.

Back to NC.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 3:07 AM, Saturday, April 23rd]

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731367
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 3:26 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Methinks he was trying to test out the waters and see if you were still pining for him. Glad you were cool and calm.

But refrain from making any remarks about him and AP. He knows what he's doing and the kind of person he is. Stone-cold indifference is better than any insult you could throw at him.

You're doing great.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:33 AM, Saturday, April 23rd]

posts: 382   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8731372
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 4:56 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Thank you, Forks. That makes sense. If he was testing the waters, he didn’t get far with me. I was honestly feeling pretty good. I am starting to understand that I will be okay without him. I have wonderful, supportive friends and family. They are getting me through this.

I am a little sad right now, just thinking about our Saturday mornings together. We used to sit on the couch and have coffee and it was just nice. The weather is beautiful right now, and we’d be talking about that. Maybe he would plan to do some stuff in the yard later.

I’ll be okay though; I don’t need him. I’ve gotten by all week without him. I just need to keep doing that.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731449
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 5:05 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

I think part of your difficulty in staying NC is due to the guilt you still carry. In your mind you’re thinking that you not cheated on your husband he wouldn’t be engaged in his A.

If you can start to let go of the guilt, your ability to detach will be smoother.

However, your conundrum is that what you really want is for your husband to snap out of it, drop his AP, and come home.

Thus, I understand the difficulty you’re going through.

posts: 402   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8731451
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 5:58 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

I think part of your difficulty in staying NC is due to the guilt you still carry. In your mind you’re thinking that you not cheated on your husband he wouldn’t be engaged in his A.


I didn’t cheat on my husband.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731464
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:41 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

My apologies. Got u confused with another.

posts: 402   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8731518
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 2:04 AM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

He showed up to your house because he was curious to see what was going on. With the NC he didn't know how you were doing, if you were still hurting and wanted him back in case he would change his mind and wanted you back.

You are doing great! NC is really helping you.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 141   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8731543
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 2:41 AM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Thank you papoula. I think you’re right; it’s clear that he wants to be with AP and I’m his backup plan. It just surprises me how manipulative WSs can be. His words yesterday gave me a little bit of hopium. It was just words, though.

It’s hard tonight knowing that he’s probably with her (like usual). I’m so tired of these nights not knowing who he’s with. It hurts to be rejected. It hurts to know that she is more important to him than I am. He knows how I feel, and he just does not care. It sucks. I keep picturing her, and I hate her. I don’t want to picture her.

I slipped up and texted him a couple times today (I texted, he responded, I texted again). It wasn’t dramatic or anything like that. I wasn’t doing the pick me dance. I just wanted to know if he was going to go through with helping her move, and he did.

I shall do no more texting.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731547
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 5:24 AM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

You're still in the early phase, so NC will be hard. But every time you fall off the NC horse, just get up and get back on again.

I just wanted to know if he was going to go through with helping her move, and he did.

Every curious peek into his life only lets him know that he occupies your headspace. Don't give it to him.

It hurts to be rejected. It hurts to know that she is more important to him than I am. He knows how I feel, and he just does not care.

Yes, it really does. No way around that but through. But what did she win exactly? A guy who could leave his wife at the drop of a hat as soon as another gal blows smoke up his a$$?

You're right, he doesn't care. He cares for no one but himself.

It sucks. I keep picturing her, and I hate her. I don’t want to picture her.

It really does, ngl. Probably will for a while. But all I can say is time.

posts: 382   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8731570
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 11:54 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Thank you, Forks. He texted me twice and I have not responded. He texted me a picture of the gift "we" got a family member for their birthday. Am I supposed to reply? If he wasn’t such a cheating asshole, I would have been there to help him pick out this gift, and I would have been there to give it to the recipient.

This is hard…I don’t want to be an ass. But, he never once considered my feelings when he was doing this shit to me. Whenever he had a choice between her or me, he chose her. Screw him! I will not give in.

Please assure me I’m doing the right thing. Unlike him, I actually feel bad when I hurt someone’s feelings.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731730
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 12:34 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

You're doing the right thing. He's looking for any reaction from you, good or bad. And he'll text your limits. Ok...100 texts didn't get a response but 101 did. Next time, I'll do 150.

And I get ya. I'd have said the same thing about sex with AP.

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1080   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8731738
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:36 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

Every single time you ignore him or don't contact him, you are doing the right thing. He's not a prize you want to win. This isn't a competition you want to be in. The biggest favor he could do you is to be all enamored with some other woman and leave you the hell alone to start a life without a cheater.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4996   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8731740
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:38 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

The challenge is that you don't really see him yet. You haven't reached that point of clarity when you realize how beneath you he really is. It's like going to a car lot and begging to pay double for the one with rusted paint and missing a transmission.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4996   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8731741
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 LostandBroken900 (original poster member #80201) posted at 3:47 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

He has texted me a couple more times. If I knew he would stop breaking my heart, I might reply. It’s killing me not to. I won’t give him the kibble…

So many nights he said he was going to a friend’s house and would be back later. I would leave the outside light on and go to bed alone…and wake up alone. I’d leave a low light on in the kitchen so there would be light when he got home. I loved him, you see? I would go to bed with the light on, and wake up to see the light still on. So many nights I waited to get a text from him, "I love you babe." Nothing would come. So many times I would text him and get no response. "Were you with her?" I would ask. "No, I got drunk with the guys and passed out," he would say. A week later, "were you with her that night?" I would ask. "Yes," he would say. "I’m sorry," he would say. And then he would do it again. My heart would break every time. He’d give me a little love, and it would heal. Then the next weekend, a repeat.

And I sit here on the verge of tears because I feel so bad not replying to his texts.

Just received another text from him. Fuck him. Fuck him for hurting me over and over and over again and thinking I’m just going to wait for him. "Text your whore," I want to say. He still trusts me, I’m sure; he’s got no reason not to. He can be assured that even though I’m not responding to his texts, I’m not in some other guy’s bed. I won’t hurt him like that. He’s safe from the excruciating thoughts of me with another man. I no longer have the luxury of that reassurance.

D-Day 3/4/22-3/6/22 - Ongoing

Me: 40F WS: 36M Married 2012 - Currently separated, may be divorcing.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2022
id 8731773
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 3:52 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

Good for you, for staying strong.

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8731774
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:08 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

He can be assured that even though I’m not responding to his texts, I’m not in some other guy’s bed. I won’t hurt him like that.

I am most definitely not suggesting you go jump in another guy's bed, but if you did he'd have no reason to be hurt. He has no claim on you. You aren't his. He broke that. He has no right to any expectation of you not jumping into another guy's bed. He has no grounds to complain if you did. You two are not together. He is sleeping with someone else and you two aren't living together. You are divorcing.

The reason I don't suggest you jump into another guy's bed is for your own mental health. His feelings on that would be irrelevant. I'm just asking that you look at your thought process on this. You have nothing left to prove to him. You have no obligation to him. Now it is likely that he's like just about every other cheater and he'd have the bald-faced nerve to be all hurt about you seeing someone else, but that's where the tiniest violin in the world would come in to play sad songs for is feelings. He isn't entitled to anything from you, most certainly not loyalty. He isn't going to wake up and have this crazy revelation that he just left the best woman in the world who wouldn't hurt him that way and come begging for you back. If he came begging for you back right now with the selfish entitled mindset that he has, it would be because he misses what you did for him. It wouldn't be about how great you are and how sorry he was for hurting you. He's not sorry for that because that would require empathy and if he were running strong on empathy, you wouldn't be in this situation. He doesn't think like you do. He views you as weak and willing to put up with his crap. Otherwise he'd be too mortified to dare contact you casually.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4996   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8731838
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 6:53 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

And I sit here on the verge of tears because I feel so bad not replying to his texts.


Because you care. You have empathy. You're concerned about his emotional well-being.

But the same can't be said for him. Texting you like it's just an ordinary day even when you both know what he's done. Even with the probability that he knows it hurts you. No shame at all. Nothing but for himself.


I no longer have the luxury of that reassurance.

No. But you do have the luxury of knowing that you kept your integrity intact when he couldn't be bothered. You deserve better than a life riddled with lies and deceit.

posts: 382   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8731901
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