You said "My priority is identifying that she loves me and is recommitting to me—everything else is secondary right now."
This has nothing to do with love. Love is NOT enough. It never has been and it never will be.
In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.
When we believe that "all we need is love," then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility, and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?
But if, like Reznor, we believe that "love is not enough," then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.
Doc, I'm sure she loves you so you don't need to identify whether she loves you or not.
Sadly, many spouses love their partners, but aren't in love with them.
Many spouses love their partners, but don't like them, don't respect them etc.
Additionally, many love people who aren't good for them as love is "funny" that way.
This isn't about love.
This is about being all in as a couple, which she wasn't based on on words, deeds and actions. She betrayed with what she said to her mother and sister and she betrayed by spreading her legs for that man.
We all get it, we know you feel a bit guilty and you're trying to work on things from your end too. Newsflash, all marriages aren't perfect. None of us is perfect. While you weren't perfect, neither was she but you didn't run off and have sex with another lady and while things weren't perfect you didn't disparage her to your family and friends the way she did to you.
She had lots of options to deal with things, to deal with the way she was feeling yet she chose incredibly destructive options. I'm glad you're both well off, money isn't an impediment to counseling yet she still chose to go nuclear on your marriage.
THIS marriage is dead and gone. If both of you are able to work through things and it will take at least 2 to 5 years (not months or another year), then the two of you can decide on another marriage.
There is nothing left to save of this marriage due to what she did. It's been blasted to smithereens. There isn't enough glue and duct tape to put this marriage back together and it's FAR too soon to tell if the two of you can reconcile.
Years from now the two of you will begin to know whether the two of you may progress forward with a marriage in the right way, for the right reasons.
You were 50% responsible for issues in the marriage and she was also 50% responsible for issues in the marriage.
She was 100% responsible for cheating. NONE of that is on you in any way, shape or form.
She had many options to deal with what she was feeling and going through yet she chose to disparage you and to fvck another man.
She needs to lead and drive this reconciliation, not you.
Your goal shouldn't be to just save your marriage, to remain married to her.
The two of you need to regroup completely and build things up from the ground up. This is a total rehab. You're not just tearing it down to the studs, you're tearing them down and tearing up the foundation and starting completely over from scratch.
Why? You NEED a new foundation from which to begin to heal and come together. Your old foundation is beyond repair, it's beyond totaled.
Yes, you're technically still married, but only on paper with what she intentionally chose to do to your marriage and to you.
Love is a verb, it requires action and her actions were to put you down to others and to spread her legs for another man.
She did NOT flip on a dime. You have to be able to see clearly past her love bombing.
She's acting this way not for you, but for her. She's afraid though not necessarily of losing her marriage.
Neither of you should want the status quo, the old status quo.
Neither of you are able to see things clearly just yet. Neither of you is on a good foundation, you're both standing on quick sand.
This is a process and it's a LONG one as in many years long.
And love has nothing to do with it.