Something jumped out from your last post so strongly, literally punched me in the face, that it led me to do a little exercise. A very quick, non-precise count indicates that your post references:
"she", "her", "my wife", or similar second person pronouns for your WW about 65 times
Other second person pronouns for your MIL and SIL about 10 times
First person pronouns ("me", "I", or similar) for you about 15 times
My count was done once, without a tally sheet and before my coffee, so it's imprecise, but close enough for jazz. I was inspired to engage in the exercise by the overwhelming impression of this post, which is the giant amount of nervous energy and mental head space you are devoting to sussing out your WW's feelings (which is something she herself should be doing, not you), versus how little you are devoting to sussing out your own. Anxiously scrutinizing her every breath, searching for any gesture that you might interpret as a sign of affection, remorse, gratitude, regardless whether the interpretation is correct. You remind me of my puppy at feeding time, anxiously watching her food dish and my kitchen movements to be sure that she doesn't miss the moment I put the food in the dish. Why are you so passive?
My friend, as a 100% unqualified, no formal training or education possessing armchair psychologist, I'd hazard that you are a highly co-dependent individual. At least, this post reeks of co-dependency, and a concomitant sense of passive acceptance of whatever it is she dishes up for you. El Señor, I cry for you. Out of every personality trait, co-dependency/passivity is the one single trait that is strongly correlated with failed R because of the easy ability of the WW to push an agenda of rug-sweeping, DARVO, etc.
I also dug into the why behind her current feelings in relation to the other guy.
Stop. Please just stop. This could not possibly be a more "100% the wrong direction" statement about an action taken by a BH. Literally a map of the road to perdition.
This forum is not about divorce as choice number 1, but it's also not about white knuckling it and stubbornly remaining married regardless of the size and stench of the shit sandwich your WW is feeding you. The path to successfully getting out of infidelity is a path of finding your heart's truth. There is a technique, called The 180, that is normally a strong recommend for a newly minted BH such as yourself. It is not a punishment for your WW, nor a gambit to catalyze any particular response from her. It is a tool to provide you with psychological space so that you can find your heart's truth. I cannot think of a thread where The 180 was more needed than this thread. At present, you are boring into the guts of her feelings like a hookworm in the foot of a redneck squatting at the poop tree.
I have not seen a thread where I want more strongly to grab you by the shoulders, shake you, and bark this at you like a marine drill sergeant: "Don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm!"
The individual items you describe of her are nothing remarkable. In fact, they're pretty cliche; the ordinary progression of things that most waywards go through post Dday. You present it as if they are epiphanies and/or milestones when in reality they are totally normal and make her nothing more than a cheater who was caught, acting and behaving like a cheater who was caught.
I would note the dual references to "whore", because I find that noteworthy. A body count of 20 for an attractive woman during her undergrad years who went to college some time around the late 1990's or early aughts is not remarkable. But the fact that you perceive that she feels shame about this, that is. I wonder, does she really feel shame due to girlfriends in college, or are you projecting that? Hmmm.
I ask because you say she "became sexually repressed during our marriage". That is not something you have mentioned before in this thread. In fact, your earlier posts suggested that sex was good for the most part, and HB has been somewhat of a freak train.
When did she become "sexually repressed"? How did it manifest? That's important to know for an understanding of the dynamic.
Specifically, was it during the past year or so? I ask because one classic hallmark of cheaters is that, as they begin the walk up that ramp toward infidelity (for example, your WW trading flirty glances with Mr. Cop whilst cutting paper snowflakes at the PTA), their sexual fervor for their BS begins to wane. They become distant. Pick fights over little things. Seem irritable. The unwitting BS generally thinks he is the problem so he steps up, more acts of kindness and praise, more shouldering the domestic load, etc. But it doesn't seem to work. Where you used to feel her fire, it becomes cold inside. That, my friend, is not her becoming sexually repressed. That is the sound of her rejecting you because her Sauron's eye is now focused on the AP in the distance, the precious.
Or, was the sexual repression something different? Have you reminded her, ever, of the "whore" who screwed 20 guys in college? I do think that it's important for people to swap sexual histories before getting married, but once that's done, if you then decide to get married, sexual history is off limits in terms of fodder for shaming or abuse. Your decision to marry is a decision that you're copacetic with her history.
By the way, there are a lot of good reasons why a young 20-something woman in college might have a 20-something body count, but the most classic reason is because she can. Sex for an attractive woman in college is as readily available as air. A woman can find sex literally by stepping outside her dorm room and taking a walk down to the dining hall. If she is a serious student and a woman who wants to maintain her independence, getting into a serious boyfriend relationship can be a drag. College boys are immature, solipsistic, and possessive. Many are physically disgusting because they've not yet mastered personal hygiene. Some can become stalkers or manipulative assholes. The way to avoid all that, to keep her eye focused on her studies while slaking her 20-something sexual thirst, is to hook up with casuals and randoms. It's a logical strategy that does not deserve shame.
In contrast, if her body count was mostly illicit hook-ups with guys who were dating her friends, then she always was a shyte person and if you chose to marry her knowing this, you got what you asked for, my friend.
By the way, screwing the PTA cop while married also doesn't technically make her a "whore", though you are 100% within your rights at this stage to bark that epithet, and many others, directly at her while staring her down with eyes burning with pain and rage. As others have noted, her affair, based on what you've said so far, is totally cliche. A married woman with children, going through the normal identity crisis of nascent mid life that millions of married people pass through without ever having adulterous sex, arrogating to herself the right to secretly annul your marriage and decided that yours would be a secret, one-sided open marriage, all because, in her moral universe, she is a special case where mid-life angst gives her a hall pass to cuckold her husband with the town constable.
As an aside, have you reported Officer Bangaho to his superiors for adulterous sexual intercourse? It probably violates several provisions of his code of conduct. Did he drive them from the NBA to the hotel in his squad? Probably even more violations.
But I digress. As others have noted, your first task here is to take the veil off of your eyes and see your WW for who she truly is. Not a "whore". Just a shyte person with a strong potential for dishonesty and disloyalty, highly selfish and solipsistic, lacking in the stick-to-it-iveness that is the hallmark of a worthy spouse. I phrase it like that because R, in its truest sense, involves starting over, building a new relationship with your WW. The reason IC is recommended is that, for this to work, she needs to be somebody different than who she is now, because who she is now is a person who is not worthy of the commitment of marriage. Really, if you were thinking of marrying her but she told you: "I'll marry you, but even though I will promise in our wedding vows to be only with you, I won't mean that. I'll fuck other men behind your back and inflict a lot of trauma on you." You wouldn't marry that person. If she's asking for R, she is essentially asking you to commit to her again. Before she has a right to ask that of you, she needs to figure out what is broken in her moral compass, fix it, and turn herself into somebody new, somebody other than who she is now. Because you'd be a crazy man to commit to the person she is now.
Sorry for the long rambling post. Bottom line: check your co-dependency. Stop the MC and implement The 180. Make it clear that R is not on the table, at all, unless and until she figures out her shit and fixes it to your satisfaction.
Be aware, though, that this last point is a process that takes years. If you plan to keep R open as an option, you need to be aware that you could be 45 years old before you have an inkling whether it has worked or not. If it hasn't worked, you're going to feel that all of those years have been wasted. You'll be even more bitter at that point than you are now. Be aware of the investment you are contemplating.
I would strongly suggest that, to be clear on your choices, you consult with a divorce lawyer. I am not suggesting you file a divorce. I'm suggesting you get a full understanding of what divorce would look like in your specific circumstance. As I said in my first post, millions of healthy, well-adjusted children grow up under divorced parents who successfully co-parent. It tends to work best, in my anecdotal observation, if the parents divorce when the kids are still young. They are more malleable and pliable. They easily adjust to new circumstances. In contrast, a terrible time to pull the trigger is when they turn 18 and are about to fledge. That is the time when they really need to feel that there is a stable home to return to if things go badly.
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:55 PM, Thursday, March 24th]