SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My first XH (not the WXh - geesh!) is dead and I’m glad.

That doesn’t fit the given PC - especially given that he had a mental illness. But I don’t fucking care. I’m sorry that he’s the BIOLOGICAL father of my children…I’m sorry that I chose so poorly in that aspect (and my kids are fabulous grown adults, btw). But other than that, I finally have slept soundly…and if that required him dying then so be it.

I ran into an old schoolmate tonight…and he brought up how sad all that was. Yeah? I’m fucking glad. But there’s no place for me to say that….now that he up and died. He’ll go down as "unfortunate". Forever memorialized as all that *could* have been. (Cracked out on heroine and his body left/not found for three months behind an old business building - how fucking sad, right?)

Here’s what it really was. He terrorized me. Caught between saving myself…and trying to pick the best outcome/situation for my children. You want to know what’s really unfortunate?? My kids went to school and activities where they had a "safe word" in the event that anyone tried to pick them up unexpectedly. My elderly parents were terrorized for years with the X’s 2am phone call death threats. My dad got a concealed carry permit when he was 70 because of that. You wonder why I fell off the map…why you never saw me at school reunions? I spent years in hiding. I signed papers that never allowed my kids’ names or pictures to be published in school events. I woke up disoriented from nightmares in the middle of the night…afraid to look at the sleeping sounds of my new H for fear that HE was what I had dreamt.

I lost fucking years of my life because of what he was, what all he did. And I don’t give two shits that he’s not still here to carry that out. But I have to nod my head and agree, yes…it’s such a shame. But the shame is not what everybody else thinks it is.

You know…sometimes when you don’t know all of it, you need to just shut up.

Yah, good for you for letting it out. It’s incredible what we do to cover up for some people. What we do to survive…for our kids to survive. I am so sorry that you went through that. Please do not feel any shame for being , not only relieved, but glad that he is dead.
Some people are just not worth it….and he wasn’t!!!!

You have been heard truth.

You deserve, in every way possible, to feel what you feel. I'm relieved for you. I'm glad you don't have to peek around corners. I'm glad that bad energy has disappeared - so no one else can come into contact with it again.

I'm hopeful this peace lets you bury some of that fear and pain with this moment as well.

Breathe some of that good, clean air tonight.

Thank you devasted30 - for both the reply and validation.

Moments like tonight slip up on me...take me by surprise. I'm sure by the morning I'll be back in my "good little victim" role and able to blame it on the two glasses of wine (really, just two.) After all, it's been 8 years. I should be over that by now. Right? Right?? Otherwise, I'm in victim mentality...and then that's my own damn fault. Statute of limitations has run out. I'm just hurting myself at this point. Have you thought about getting a therapist? Maybe seeing some one?

Good. Great. Personal responsibility. Your life is what you make of it. All that jazz. I get it. It's been my moto. Fuck, it's been how I've kept it all pushed down all this time. Because, admit it, we as a society really don't have much of a place for people that are just pissed off. They make us really uncomfortable because we like very neat cause and effect situations...we don't really know what to do with collateral damage. And we sure as shit don't know what to do with exponential collateral damage. You get X amount of "paid leave" but after that, it's all on you.

But it doesn't work like that...at least not so neatly. I think this is why I've developed such an aversion lately to the idea of "victim mindset". What the hell is that anyway?? Ok, let's suppose it's entirely true...that I need to heal me. Check. Mission accepted. But what about all the subsequent damage that comes while I'm healing...this metaphoric place I am trying to attain, like all the abuse somehow happened in a vacuum anyway? Day X the abuse stopped, let the healing commence! WTF? Can someone just let me know the day I was suppose to start so I at least know where I am on the field?

I've moved on with my life - whatever that means. Have prior experiences affected subsequent experiences? Of course they have. Part of the reason I stayed with the cheating (2nd) XH was because I felt I had some security and protection from the first XH. How the hell am I suppose to unpack that?? Snowsuit or swim suit...what's the forecast for today? Let me be the first to say that I don't identify as a victim. Hell no...look at all I've overcome. Fuck that noise...I'm nobody's victim. But good god, there's a white rage inside of me at times that screams this whole thing is just utter bullshit....that I didn't deserve this, that it all has affected my life, and that sometimes it's fucking exhausting always being a "survivor"...even that maybe being so hellbent on being an overcomer/survivor IS the problem. It's that Captain Dan moment where he climbs to the top of the mast. I don't know how that even makes sense really...but somehow the anger feels that way.

Thank you, Chili. I'm just so f'ing pissed tonight for some reason.

ETA: You know...I do know what it is - at least for tonight. I haven't thought about XH1 in I don't know when. I feel negated tonight by someone else's perspective on it.

And I seem to be having similar experiences of that lately so I'm not sure what life is trying to show me. When my close friend recently died, her husband has been insistent on my not understanding what it's like. Yeah? My husband walked out one day and I never saw him again (literally) - Poof! It was like he had vanished off the face of the earth. Died. Alien invasion. (I sure as hell know it wasn't the Rapture!) At least you got to have a service and shit. And that seems simple...and like a cheap shot...so I keep my mouth shut. But at the same time I'm being told/assumed *I* don't understand... "Hey..at least you didn't have to split everything" doesn't seem like an appropriate response...but OMG, how I'd sometimes like to say it.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 2:38 AM, Friday, March 11th]

Well then I’ll say it,,,

"At least you didn’t have to split everything!"

I've told people that while I can't say I wish the XWH would die, I do wish he wasn't alive anymore.

Some of the stuff some of these people do just plain and simple means the world is a better place without them. And the ripple effect that some of them cause makes that true in spades.

Ding dong the wicked witch (warlock?) is dead!
Glad you and the family will finally start feeling safe again. Some people are just pure evil and should be wiped off the face of the earth or put down like a rabid animal. I said what I said!

My grandfather was a horrible man. Abusive, alcoholic, nasty nasty man. Seems that he existed just to hurt people. When he died (I will never know how he made it to nearly 80), my dad didn't know how to deal with his lack of feelings. He felt like he was grieving the fact that he wasn't grieving. He was angry that this man gave him nothing to grieve for. There was no funeral. It sounds like you and he could have a good convo about this stuff, the rage after someone awful dies. The weird moments where you don't know what to say when people give you condolences.

Good for you for speaking your truth! Sometimes people are just mean! Or fucked up!