SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hi! i posted my story more then a year ago... here is my link. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=651598&HL=77302

basically i am 29 almost 30, i found out my bf of almost 3 years was messaging, sexting, flirting and had 1 make out during our relationship. ...to be honest i dont think i even know the half of it.
turns out this was a pattern he had done with his last 2 gfs but physically cheated on them quite a bit.

We live in a small town so staying away from him was impossible when he'd come to my house all the time to cry and be sorry.
I moved to the states to travel nurse 3 months after the break up (im from canada).
i have gone no contact numerous times. but somehow he seems to always find a way to communicate with me.
he went to counselling for a little and he now does not deny what he did. however he still will not go into too much detail.
anywho, this summer we ended up seeing each other a lot. he did so much for me, planned so many nice things etc. He is always saying how he is changing, he loves me so much and that he doesn't want anyone else.
I am going crazy...i thought that by a year i would be over him and maybe back in the dating scene...i havent been on one date. We currently have been facetiming and texting for the last 2.5 months. I have never once told him i want to be with him. i am always straight up and tell him i will never trust him again. but he continues and obviously i continue to talk. he is one of the closest people to me,

i am going to go no contact again because i know im wasting my time. but every time i do this it feels like a break up again.

my biggest fear is ill never find a guy with the same values as me. or that im making the wrong decision and his change is real

Seriously, why is this so hard? i thought id be way past this.

Just looking for any advice. probably need some hard honesty.

Flossy, I posted my 5 yr update in the General Forum, but it probably should have been posted in here. I posted it there so that some of the newbies can find inspiration in it, knowing many of them won't get into the NBF at the early stage. I suggest you go take a read, but the short of it is, you will find someone new and someone better, if you cut that cancer out of your life.

If youre a traveling nurse, you probably have done exceptionally well this past year with Covid, use some of that money and get some IC work. It really can be helpful to break away from old patterns and maybe to help you identify why you're continuing to break NC.

There are so many people out there, whether back in Canada or in the states. You will find someone better, but know that you first need to work on FLossy. If you dont work on you, fix your picker, you're only moving forward. YOu want to heal and move forward, which would be the best outcome for anyone going through infidelity. At 30, I can tell you for certain you have many years ahead to find a new mate. Why not spend the next 6 months, go NC and maybe now that Covid is slowing, identify a new place you want to work and live. If your old town is small, maybe some of the places you've traveled have interest you. Take the next 6 months for you, get some IC work done and maybe even find a new city to live.

It sounds like you never were NC. You may have not spoken for awhile, but you weren't really NC. If he contacts you - don't respond. I'm assuming you told him not to contact you, but he doesn't respect your boundary and reaches out again.

He's had years of repeated patterns of behavior. It's doubtful that he's done much work to be a safe partner. What it sounds like he has done is love-bombed you with a lot of mirroring and future-faking. He will give you enough of the good stuff to keep you hooked, then you'll stay through the bad stuff in hopes that the nice person will come back.

I agree with HalfTime. Do some IC and work on you. You have so much ahead of you.

HalfTime2017
thank you for your reply and i went and read your post on your five year update. that is super inspiring and gives me hope that if i can get through this hard part of not talking to him when i want to i will hopefully be rewarded later.
youre probably right about the counselling. i had a few sessions back when it was all going down but i could use some more
thank you. i really truly am trying to better myself. im reading so much, i cut drinking alcohol out 100%, im running and going to train for a triathlon. Im in the virgin islands working right now!! pretty cool life haha (not many guy options though) but i am hopeful. thank you for taking the time to respond to me

leafields
thank you for your reply. youre right he does not respect my wishes when i ask him to stop talking to me. however in a weird way it feels like hes trying so hard and hes not going to give up....so maybe we are meant to be. (?hes been adamant for 1 year that we are meant to be together) its also hard because not once has he ever got mad at me, hes always very patient and understanding. He always apologizes and is never defensive........gosh.
it sucks, but life can be whatever you make it right!!

But he's also not respecting your wishes. He's borderline stalking you to get back in touch. His actions are showing that it's about what he wants and you don't have a chance to figure out what you want.

Reminds me of my ex husband. We've been apart for almost 9yrs yet he still thinks he will get me back

"i am going to go no contact again because i know im wasting my time. but every time i do this it feels like a break up again."
It's because it is a breakup......only this time it's on your terms! The best way to make this stick is to pretend he isn't there. If he reaches out, delete it. But please know, now that you've been on this rollercoaster with him multiple times, he won't believe you. It is NOT your job to "convince" him this is for the best. Just stop communicating. He will probably ramp it up before he goes away (look up an Extinction burst) and do NOT respond. If you do, he will know he just needs to reach out 654 times to get your attention. You restart the clock each time you communicate back.

In terms of my journey, I stayed single for 2yrs before dating. I dated a few men, but nothing that made me really feel like I wanted them around forever. In August 2020, I met the man of my dreams - his ex also has drug issues (like my ex) so we understand each other's trauma, he's an amazing father, we have the same kooky sense of humour and he treats me like a queen. Once I became OK with being alone forever, it made it easier to not get attached and to watch their actions instead of listening to their words. When I met my man of my dreams, it just felt so right and wasn't complicated because I knew what I wanted.

You can do this!

That persistent borderline stalking behavior doesn't mean a thing. Cheaters will pursue reconciliation with seemingly all they have while simultaneously still cheating. I did exactly what you did post dday - lots of back and forth and getting persuaded to resume more and more contact by his impassioned pleas and tears, only to catch him full on seeing hookers. During a pandemic. Pre-vaccine. While he was begging for another chance and staying at home again.

The beauty of NC is that after a time true clarity sets in. Your resolve gets stronger and stronger. Yes, you know this is going nowhere, but with NC you really know beyond a shadow of a doubt. It becomes easy to avoid getting hooked in by their attempts to re-engage. Only then can you fully heal.

Looking back I wish I'd gone full NC sooner - I'd be that much farther down the road by now.

All this "we're meant to be" bullshit is a manipulative game he's playing. I have no doubt he wants you back. And so what? My XWH wanted me back badly too. That's a "him" problem, not a me problem. Your ex is trying to sell you on invisible forces wanting you to be with a cheater with love-bombing skills. Nah, doesn't sound likely. Mine tried the soulmate line, but even if I believed in such a thing I'd just opt out of the whole having a soulmate thing if it meant mine sucked.

My suggestion is to absolutely forget about dating anyone who needs to change to become a decent human being. Think of it as going to a dealership to buy a car and being pressured to buy the one with no tires and a blown transmission. That's what he's selling you on.

Absolutely positively go no contact and make it permanent. You will find his hold on you disappears. You'll see him more clearly and you'll not understand why you gave him 5 more minutes of your time. No contact is amazing for clarity.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 3:43 PM, Tuesday, March 8th]

Listen to Skeetermooch. What you see as him trying to change for you, is actually him trying harder to get his own way. If you think about this objectively, he knew you viewed your relationship as exclusive, but he cheated anyway. Your expectations didn't matter then, and they don't now. He wants to keep you, while he does whatever else he wants to do. He did the same to every girlfriend he ever had. Think about how much you have already compromised on your expectations. You went from you asking if he ever cheated, because it was a deal breaker for you, to knowing he did and lied about it, to knowing he's contacting women inappropriately, to ...well that's ok because at least it wasn't physical.

You seem to be convinced that he didn't physically cheat, and these other women didn't really matter to him. Cheating is cheating so it really doesn;t matter all that much, but how would you know? You're a traveling nurse. You are a cheater's dream. He has to maintain contact with you to keep you in the game. If he can't talk to you, he can't con you into thinking you're special.

I went through this in a long term relationship. When I finally left, I got the love bombing, promises and tears too. His mom called me too. And when I wouldn't listen anymore, she called other members of my family. She literally said the words "You can't do this to him." Like the cheating, rip off, liar was the victim. There's a reason some of these boys turn out the way they do, and it's usually because they have parents that think their kid can possibly do anything wrong. They grow up expecting they can get what they want, no matter what. Is he living with his mom?

If I had to guess, he's figured out that you desperately want to be special. You take satisfaction in taking care of people, thus your profession. You want to be that one woman that can make an honest man out of him. It's a challenge for you. He's almost got you convinced that "you were meant to be". He's pushing all those buttons.

I almost fell for it in my case. My gut was telling me what my heart was ignoring. So I made a list of everything he would have to do before I would agree to marry him. I gave him 6 months. Not a single thing on the list happened. It was all there in black and white. All the tears, calls, flowers and everything else was con job to keep me in the game. I figured out in short order what was special about me as far as he was concerned. A steady well paying job. That was what he was so desperate to hang on to. That was what was "meant to be". I'd be the breadwinner while he spent his days doing pretty much whatever he felt like, with whoever he felt like.

You're a smart, ambitious woman. Once you're away from his constant efforts to sway you, you'll see this for what it is. But you won't be able to do that unless you cut off all contact and mean it. And that's in no way being mean.

Charity411
wow Charity411 you hit it right on the head. so so similar!!
hes sooo close with his mom. just moved out a couple months ago. His mom has contacted me numerous times to tell me how much he loves me.
I think each time i go no contact im getting better at it. but i dont know why after almost 4 months of no contact, I couldnt stay away after i saw him at a cafe when i was back in town for 24 hours!!!
im just wondering why it hasnt hit me yet let, like " this guy is crazy" and see past it all
its like when im talking with him, i believe him. but then again part of me doesnt. its the craziest thing.
i guess i need more time.

also another crazy thing is my parents literally ask about him. My mom wants me to get back together with him because theyve talked about God together and she thinks hes changed.
My mom has barely any life experience though so im trying to just let her comments go. but they really hurt and effect me.
Thanks everyone for the messages ,i really cherish every word and when i see a new comment i feel so blessed to have random people care about my well being

THANK YOU!

I said it on your JFO post too but will reiterate it here. His mom and your mom are not YOU. They don't have to live with his cheating azz. I'm sorry you're still struggling with NC Flossy. I can only imagine that pandemic burn out doesn't help either, you're already emotionally and mentally exhausted so you're easy pickings for someone like him.

What everyone else said is true. This isn't romantic or cute. This is violating behavior. What he's doing is constantly violationg your boundaries. His mom calling you is WILDLY inappropriate. But the good part here is that you control the tap and all you have to do to get out of this is shut it off. Will it hurt? Yes. Will the hurt end? Also yes. You're a nurse, so think of it in nursing terms. Sometimes to heal, a patient has to grut their teeth and deal with some pain, right? Same thing with this guy. He's an inflamed appendix - the only way to deal with him is to remove him. It's gonna cause some pain and it'll leave a scar, but if you don't do that then he'll burst and infect your whole being.

Sending hugs. This guy is so far beneath you Flossy. Please believe that.

What would you tell your friend if he/she were in this position?

Tell your mom to date him then if she's so convinced

its like when im talking with him, i believe him. but then again part of me doesnt. its the craziest thing.

That's your gut talking and telling you the truth. What does your gut know? That his actions in life do not match his words. Your gut KNOWS this even when you are in the moment aligned with his words. Never ignore your gut.

It is and has been very, very, VERY hard for me to fully accept how many people in my life (beginning with my mom) give me compliments and attention because of what they want FROM me, not because they have any thought or care about what they want FOR me. I mean, it has taken decades for me to see through people because they seem so attentive.

Some red flags that help me see the truth:

1. They talk at me but rarely ask me any real questions about me. They just want attention and don't seem to want to listen about my life.

2. They quickly lay guilt or punishment on me (silent treatment) if I cannot or will not readily give that attention. They lack any and all understanding about the parameters of my own life if I am busy or tired. I mean, what is that???

3. They give what THEY want to give, not what I need. They seem oblivious to my needs. So I will ask for space, and they'll "check in with me" anyway, professing to care about me so much. But really they are probably lonely or bored or looking for kibbles. And they honestly act as if I am ungrateful for their amazing treatment of me even though I have asked for different treatment. I have another friend who gives gifts even though I have told him that I do not like gifts and that they make me uncomfortsble. He takes offense because he believes that I should be grateful for the way he values me, but I realize that it's never about me at all.

4. And it seems to me that they do these things to "get" certain things from me--namely validation of some sort. So it never feels that their supposed kindness is given without strings attached. Always. They want to own my time, my ear, my best friend status, my favors. Whatever it is. Their supposed care and kindness comes with a "kept woman" feeling, so I politely resist all of these attempts now. I do not allow their kindnesses any longer because my feelings and desires cannot be bought on a quid pro quo platform. I am not for sale.

I feel your ex is doing any and/or all of these things, flossy. And your gut knows it even if your conscious self can't quite label why you feel uncomfortable. Be careful. The four "loving acts" above are pure manipulation. It took me forever to see it, but maybe you can now better name why you should not move to trust your ex. He wants you because of what you provide him! But he most likely is not giving any thought at all to your needs and wants, and this will break your heart in the end. It always does.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:17 PM, Saturday, March 19th]

Flossy,

Your ex has a very notable pattern. He isn’t reformed, he is in the chase cycle. This is all he knows.

If you are unhappy now, imagine how bad it would feel married to a serial cheater with children, and he is a serial cheater..

My ex was married before. I thought his first wife was crazy, this guy was amazing. Smart. Fun. Moral. Mature. Blah blah

Dumbass (me) married him. He repeated a pattern he knew.

I paid the price for not thinking it through. Bought into the love conquers all. It didn’t for me. Read my story.

Go no contact, and just think of yourself. Have fun. Follow your passions. Date, and find a good guy. You are lucky not to have kids. Make him just someone from the past. Chose every day to move towards your future, one you where you will be happy. How many years of your life has he wasted already?

As for your mom, ask her if she wants to see you miserable divorced with children, because that is where a relationship with your ex will lead. I am a mom, I have blinders sometimes, your mom does here too.

Hugs honey, I wish someone had told me do not do it.