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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Devastated by the deception

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 sarmic (original poster new member #79776) posted at 4:31 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

My story is like so many others and it’s heartbreaking to know that is now my story as well. I found out two weeks ago that my husband was having an EA for two years that started during COVID. I think I new something months back because I confronted him and he flat out lied to my face and said he never would do that to me but something came over me two weeks ago and I knew I needed to know the ugly truth. I knew when I came home to an empty house that night when he lied about a doctor’s appointment late in the day and that led me to his digging and I found countless receipts for jewelry and cards from this woman dating back to two years ago. I thought I could never feel more humiliated and full of rage in my life. It had just bought her jewelry for Christmas and was giving it to her on the same night I exposed him. I confronted him and smashed every wedding photo I could find it the house. Here is what makes me feel even more like a fool. I knew he had cheated on his first wife when we first met and I sadly believed he would never do it to me. He said he was not feeling loved by me and started talking to this woman to just have a friend but it led to a two year affair. He also told me that she was trying to end it so she could work on her marriage with her husband but he kept pursuing it and didn’t end it even thought he could of many times over. I feel so much pain and more so feel like a fool that I did not find this out so much sooner. He says the affair is over and he wants to work on our marriage but I can’t trust a damn word he says so I don’t know what this means for me. Do I stay to try and work at this or am I just married to a serial cheater who will never be able to truly be honest ever. I think what is most painful is that now I am mistrustful of everything and I ask myself how will I ever trust again in any relationship? I never was that person who was mistrustful. I am shattered by this and don’t know If I should stay and work at this or will he do the same thing 3 months from now. Do people who cheat multiple times ever change? Do marriages every really work after an affair?

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: CT
id 8709061
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:57 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Almost certainly a full blown EA/PA. But I think we have seen exceptions. 2 years without it getting physical is a loooooong time.

You will never trust like you did before. Certainly not in this relationship and most likely it will apply a little in future relationships. Blind trust is naive.

Sorry you found yourself here. I think R is a hard path, but is doable. The two most commonly recommended books are "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass about how to set appropriate boundaries and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

Personally, if I was in your situation, I would see an attorney first, and a therapist second. Figure out what divorce looks like or you can't realistically weigh it against R.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:59 PM, Tuesday, January 11th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709066
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RangerS ( new member #79516) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

He is a serial cheater. He only cares about himself. He cheated in his 1st marriage. He cheated on you. Her kept pursuing his AP even after she wanted to end it and try to save her marriage. How do you feel about having to be the marriage police for the rest of your life. Anything can be saved, but in this case it would be a very long and very painful road with only a very small chance of success. Why would you even consider staying with him. Do you love him, or do you love who you thought he was. He is so comfortable walking through life wearing a mask, concealing his true self.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8709076
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:34 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Serial cheaters do not stop, they just go into hibernation until they want to cheat again.

If you have not already done so, go and tell the OBS about the affair.

posts: 1230   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8709084
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 6:55 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Sarmic, I am so very sorry you’re going through this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.

I am going through this at the moment, for the second time in my life…and it’s fucking hell.

I am 99.9% sure my relationship is over…he ended it by his betrayal. I refuse to live the rest of my life with someone who could care less for my emotional, psychological, and physical welfare…that’s what his cheating, deceit, and lies have damaged.

I will NEVER trust HIM again…but I hope I can trust again…even if I feel like I never will.

Make sure to get yourself tested for STI/Ds.

If you can get a copy of "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" on audio (there’s a written version, but I enjoyed listening to someone saying a lot of "fucks"), it’s really supportive and affirming…

Remember that none of this is YOUR fault…he’s the cheating, lying scumbag.

Sending you lots of ((((hugs))))

[This message edited by Riverz at 6:57 PM, Tuesday, January 11th]

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709090
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 sarmic (original poster new member #79776) posted at 6:57 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I wish I knew more about the person he was cheating with but all I saw was a first name and all the responses hit home for me and the pain in my chest only grows with regret. I sadly do still love him but maybe it’s the love I had for the person he used to be when we first married. The reality is that he is selfish as hell. He told me he was so angry and resentful towards me which led him to seek comfort in someone else but real commitment to a relationship is two people working through the hard stuff and I clearly did my marry a man who values honesty and integrity

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: CT
id 8709092
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 7:07 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

The pain of betrayal hurts like hell because we love them so much…if we didn’t, we might not give a shit.

I too thought my partner was loyal and honest…he told me many times he could never betray me and risk losing me…HE LOOKED INTO MY EYES and told me these things…how does one human do this to another??? I will NEVER understand because I am not like that…I would never betray someone I loved.

Yes, they are selfish…only caring about what’s good for them and not give a rat’s ass about their devoted spouses.

We were together for 15 years…to throw away a future like that, it’s utterly tragic. And the pain that we as a BS have to carry until we heal (which is years)…is absolutely criminal.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709095
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:09 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

He told me he was so angry and resentful towards me which led him to seek comfort in someone else.

This is often a self provided delusion to give an excuse for the A. Whether it is really true or not doesn't explain why he gave himself permission to betray you.

Lots of cheaters resent their spouse because the betrayed spouse wouldn't approve of their unilateral decision to open the relationship. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709098
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:35 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

So clearly he has a " good reason" to cheat. Just like his with his first wife. He had a whole bunch of good reasons why he cheated.

He doesn’t get it - never will.

I would suggest while you love him, you cannot change him.

In the interim while you sort this out, demand a post nup. The post nup should exclude ALL of your assets as marital property should you divorce for any reason.

Get him to sign it - and if he doesn’t - he’s not willing to do anything. Because if he wants to fight like hell for your marriage and change and become remorseful and make amends, you most likely will stay with him and the post nup is not needed.

If he refuses to sign it, you know where you stand. He will say one (post nup) has nothing to do with the other (reconciliation and making amends). But you already know how it does.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709102
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:07 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Tally up the money spent. It might be 1/2 yours. See a lawyer. Get tested.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8709186
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 sarmic (original poster new member #79776) posted at 3:07 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Thanks all for your responses and for your insight. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I could allow myself to be betrayed for such a long period of time. I always valued myself as a strong minded woman who knows her self worth but never does anyone ever prepare for the deep pain of betrayal and how quickly you can go from feeling self confident and strong to feeling not good enough and weak but I know that is not true. It’s him who is weak and it is he who lacks integrity and courage or he would of done the right thing and told me to my face and I would of left him a long time ago. I was married once before for 8 years but there was never infidelity in my first marriage and we did love one another but we were going different paths in life. We still respect one another so i find myself asking how is it that I chose to marry a deceptive liar for my second marriage? The answer lies within myself or I just believed that it would never happen to me.
The ultimate question for many of us is, how do we ever really trust again? I hope this does not taint my faith in relationships going forward.
It’s only been two weeks but I keep waking up each morning wishing i could rewrite history

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: CT
id 8709244
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:32 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I don't know if you are going to attempt reconciliation. If you are, you need to find out who OW is. Where she works. And you need to tell her poor husband. He deserves to know

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:33 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8709260
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

The ultimate question for many of us is, how do we ever really trust again? I hope this does not taint my faith in relationships going forward.

Personal opinion. We trust conditionally based on actions. Not unconditionally based on emotions. It's a better version of trust if you ask me.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709267
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 3:32 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Hi @sarmic I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you as I have gone through that pain myself.
You asked a few important questions that I can only answer from my own experience.
Trusting again can take a long time but trust can still come after infidelity. I have learnt that no one is beyond redemption and people who have cheated in the past can change and become the best versions of themselves but this is something the WS chooses not just because the cheater was found out and pretending to save the marriage. I do believe that marriages can be healed and reconciled even after infidelity as it was for me.

I think you should consider both IC and MC before you make any major decision. No matter what happens remember that you are worthy of love that can be trusted.

I'm always rooting for marriages to be healed and reconciled and hope in the future, you will be one of the success R stories on here. Wish you all the best!

posts: 180   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8709515
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 4:10 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Several things to consider right away:

Get a FULL panel of STD testing, and tell the Dr you believe your spouse has been having a PA. No matter what a WS says, we have to protect our health, and our WS have shown us that they are good liars (can't tell you how often we see it on SI -even the WS themselves - swearing on their children's lives it wasn't a PA or they used condoms, or a host of other crap, only to learn they were lying the whole time). Maybe it was solely an EA... maybe not. Protect yourself.

Meet with an attorney. Knowledge is power. f you don't want to R, then you will be taking steps on your own behalf. If decide you want to try to R, you still need to know what your life would look like. The old saying "you have to be willing to lose the M to save it" rings VERY true IMHO.

Find an IC (individual counselor) - and my rec is always to find someone who really specializes in TRAUMA (vs infidelity). Someone that's graduated in the last 10-15 years (after the schools made learning about trauma a requirement for anyone on a clinical path). You can educate yourself (and your IC, if need be) about the nuances of relational betrayal trauma (or infidelity). It's the trauma that changes us, not the infidelity itself (hope that makes sense).

Find some self compassion. You may already be there, yet I sense you may be kicking yourself a bit (the "how could I be so blind" or "how could I have a bad picker" kind of thing). I - and so many BS -spent quite a bit of time kicking myself in the aftermath of dday (the "how could I be so stupid, blind, etc" rang over & over & over in my brain.. I am a highly educated professional whose nickname was - literally - "badass", so I get how we can fee sooooo duped and it can shatter parts of our identity).

There may have been red flags (e.g., that your WH cheated before .... same as mine, btw), and for whatever reason, we didn't see or ignored or whatever. It's hard to look at parts our ourselves that need some work if we hate them / hate ourselves. My point is that IME, the path to healing includes a healthy dose of self compassion and pivoting. We can pivot from that self anger to self love and compassion, and that, IME / IMO, is the path to changing our perspectives. Another thing that I think some BS (maybe including you, maybe not) may do is pivot the anger with their WS to themselves. And I believe that anything we can do to not take it on ourselves and then work to release that anger in a healthy way will aid our healing.

Trust? Yeah, it probably won't ever be the same. It's very heartbreaking to say that, knowing how hard it is to hear or think about. I think the trade off (so to speak) is that we learn to better trust OURSELVES, and we heal and get stronger so that we are able to again take risks, and know that even if emotional risks don't pan out as we'd hoped, WE will be OK. It takes some time. We felt safe in that trusting relationship, where we didn't question our vulnerability bc we believed our WS had our backs. And I think we can and do feel safe again (whether we R or not - I'm not in R), it's that we become more safe w/in ourselves vs in a relationship.

And finally, I believe that telling the OBS (other betrayed spouse) should happen regardless of whether you are - or are not- ultimately interested in R. This is an oft-debated topic, so there is no universal "right" or "wrong" thing to do. Just giving my personal opinion that even if the motivation is selfish (eg you want the AP to hurt), telling the OBS is the right thing to do. My sole caveat is when telling OBS may cause further damage you (eg if OBS told HR about the A, would your WS be in danger of being fired? And how would that impact YOU right now?). HOWEVER, I do believe that even if telling the OBS may need to be posponed, it should always be done the minute the danger has passed (eg if your WH changes jobs, once the D is final, etc). IMHO, there is NO statute of limitations on telling the OBS.

I'm sorry you need SI, but am glad you found the "best club that NO ONE wants to belong to". Welcome.

Godspeed.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:15 PM, Thursday, January 13th]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3618   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8709525
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