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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Devastated. Dreams Got Stolen.

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 sr83 (original poster new member #79745) posted at 4:14 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Not sure where to start. I am new here and do not even understand the lingo properly.

I assume WW means wayward wife and I will use WW for that term.

2014 - caught her on his laptop on Okcupid...she said we had an argument and I just wanted to chat with other people to feel better...

She was always dominating, angry on me forever...we dated for 7 years and then got married...in couple of months we will be celebrating our 15th marriage anniversary...total 22 years of relationship...

Just on side note I suffer from psoriasis...since 2005...

She will always say she has very less sex drive as compared to me...so won't get intimate...it was always me to initiate...

after many years I found a hotel key in my car in 2018...I confronted her...she was static for few minutes then started saying we should investigate where it came blah blah..I trusted her as I loved her...

fast forward 2021... she started calling me a loser and what not in front for my teenager kids and 9 year old kid...I got upset and moved out of our home for about a month....realized I cannot live without them and came back....

she started to treat me very nicely...a welcome change..I loved her love...

But I was suspicious...due to covid we were at home all this while but she wanted to go yo gym at any cost during peak covid times too.. I asked her why you want to risk all of us...she brushed it off saying it is all good...people are paranoid...I trusted her again...

Recently I found her tinder account and other hookupsites...

She said it was just for chatting...tinder was from 2018...and hookup sites just a dy before she enrolled into gym...

came to know 2 weeks ago...when I somehow got access to her phone...

confronted her and again the same reply we might had an arguments and she wanted to chat with people to calm herself...I trusted her again...

I have been wfh from last many months due to covid...recently I had to go to an office part for 7-8 hours...In had suspicions so pust a recording device at home...that caught some inappropriate voices that she denies completely.. and says there was nothing.. and start loving me 100 times more than ever...

one fine day I was drunk and she called 911 sending me to a hospital for 2 days...I already had recording device at home...she showed lot of love while I was away...and when I came back...saying how she missed me...but when I heard the recording device caught some inappropriate voices again...

she denies that too..

what should I do? believe her to save my family?

[This message edited by sr83 at 6:28 PM, Sunday, January 9th]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022
id 8708117
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:47 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I think what you have to decide is whether this relationship is acceptable to you or not? Clearly, your WW isn't interested in maintaining boundaries with other people, hence the Tinder and OKcupid. You know, most people, myself included, consider that to be cheating. Any time you're saying things or sending photos that you would NOT do if your spouse was present and witnessing, that's a breach of trust, a betrayal. You're telling us that you've got recordings of other voices which don't belong in your house and that she's gaslighting you about it, insisting that you didn't hear what you believe you heard. But here's the thing... you don't need proof. This isn't a court of law. All you need if you're unhappy is an attorney and the willingness to file for divorce. Maybe your WW won't care. And if that's the case, you were living with someone who didn't care about your marriage. But if she does care, she will pull her head out of her hindquarters and stop messing around on you.

We only have one tool in our arsenal in terms of infidelity... and that's our robust REFUSAL to put up with it. Instead, we can walk away. I think you'd be wise to consider that.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8708124
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:55 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Sorry you are here.

No case of infidelity is ideal. You are staring down a double barrel shotgun blast to the face.

I recommend you take care of yourself. Get a therapist. Eat healthy, drink water, and get sleep (see doctor oof you can't sleep). Stop drinking any alcohol or taking any non-prescribed drugs.

See a lawyer and figure out divorce.

Sending strength.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8708126
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 7:08 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Gaslighting is abuse.

Turning on the love to make you back down is abuse.

Lying is abuse.

She's having fun and doesn't want to stop. Look at what you wrote. She's got no problems being an abusive partner. That's not what love is.

Someone who loves you wants the best for you. Does not lie. Does not make you feel small or ashamed. Someone who loves you is grateful. Someone who loves you is kind.

This person is a user. Using you. Using others. Not a person who will help you grow and bring you happiness. This person only brings stress. A better life is possible.

Don't be afraid to have the life you want.

I'm glad you're here.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2275   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8708141
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 7:16 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I felt like my dream was stolen too, but I learned to believe in myself.

Sadness and fear and pain.....it's very hard. You will heal and become stronger. Things become clearer. You hear your own voice more and more. Trust your own heart.

We are not here to suffer. Please believe that there are better things waiting for you.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2275   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8708142
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oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 10:11 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

WW will continue to abuse and lie to you until you take a stand against her
cheating. File for divorce, and will consider recovery if she provides full
access to her phone, internet use including passwords to start.

Sometimes the only way to get out of infidelity is divorce. Staying in infidelity
is not healthy.

posts: 1387   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8708177
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lostindenial ( new member #79420) posted at 1:27 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I am really sorry for you. Sending you hugs and kisses. I used to be very angry with my partner throughout my marriage as I had deep resentments towards how I was always the responsible and accountable one in our family. We never talked about it. Once in a while, I will get very upset and have a yelling release but things will turn back to the same square one. I am sharing as I have that perspective of my marriage. However, I did not cheat. I did try to cover for my loneliness by reading, watching TV, walking and having female friendships. My spouse however gaslighted, cheated and lied. I am not in reconciliation as my IC helped me see that I don’t want to go back to that lonely marriage at all. I also don’t know if we will try to reconcile as my WH has not yet found a new job which is the precondition to reconciling.
So two things -
1) you need to break free of this cycle of abuse and for that, you need to go to individual therapy. I made a decision to not make a decision until I was healthy and strong mentally. And for the time being, please only make that decision for yourself. Therapy helped me see clearly. I am not there yet but I am on my path to making respectful choices for myself. If my marriage will revert back to what it was, I would rather divorce. Even at the cost of my kids’ unhappiness for the time being. Therapy taught me that. It is giving me tools to work overcome fears and shame. I made a lot of excuses about it being expensive or taking time but through employers, most of us get a first few sessions for free. Don’t undersell yourself so little that you can’t find an hour a week to talk to someone who has seen many of us over their lifetimes and knows how to help us

2) stick around and look at healing library. Learn about abuse cycle. This is how people who abuse do it. When you have one step out, they will pull you in with extra attention and love. Then tension will build and an explosion will happen and then love bomb again. Many of us have been through it. There are many a times I have been so weak and desperate and I have made only one change. Instead of turning to my spouse for that care and love, I have PMed someone in this group or made a post and I had so many people help me and pull me out of my misery and give me strength. Use us and break this cycle.
That is all I ask of and wish for you today. These two things. No decisions on marriage but set up a therapy appointment for yourself and come here and read/ask for help. Sending you strength and hugs

posts: 42   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8708184
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:33 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I don't even know where to start with this. This woman is dangerous for you. She has beat you down emotionally so badly that all you're doing is hanging on by your fingernails. Normally I would hope for reconciliation but I don't see how that can possibly happen with this. I think your psoriasis is coming from stress frankly.
I want you to get a good trauma therapist and one who is affiliated with a medical doctor so that you can possibly be given medication for your anxiety and that might help with your psoriasis. You need to take care of your health. You are no good to anyone as long as you are this stressed.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8708298
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gulty ( new member #79575) posted at 7:34 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Your title "Dreams got stolen" resonates with me and probably many others.

I am 4 weeks out from DDay and have been through the most painful period of my life. This about an infidelity that occurred 15 years ago. And with a WW who is extremely remorseful. You are in a much worse situation if you are considering R.

Others have already suggested divorce. Even that is going to be hellish but a shorter path to finding happiness again in your life. Good luck.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Toronto, Canada
id 8708365
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:44 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

"Dreams got stolen"

She is currently not a vessel for your dreams. Your dreams are yours to share with someone worthy.

As CT so aptly advised:

We only have one tool in our arsenal in terms of infidelity... and that's our robust REFUSAL to put up with it. Instead, we can walk away.

She sounds like a serial cheater actively cheating since, at least, 2018. This can make the possibility of true reconciliation much more difficult. I'd consult an attorney, see what your options are, and begin, immediately, to get yourself out of infidelity. You can proceed with the immediate service of Divorce papers or, give her an ultimatum to begin a true reconciliatory process that consists of: NC, full transparency, no dating apps, full disclosure, IC, adherence to marital boundaries, etc, etc...OR divorce.

posts: 776   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8708423
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 7:53 PM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

the calling the cops to get you 'Emergency Petitioned' (what we call emergency psych evals in Maryland,) what did she claim as opposed to what really happened ?

I can tell you as a LEO for 26 years (thankfully retired) that the DV system, which ours included these petitions, often times were and could be used as a weapon in order to intimidate someone into towing the line or shutting them up. I am not saying that both processes from Family Court aren't necessary but the system was abused badly at times which is why people here on this site often warn to protect against bogus DV orders. Did she do this to you ?

Since she is emotionally abusive to you, and has been for a long time, that could be grounds to end things right there. If she used the legal system against you, that builds the case even more.

However, the hotel key, Gym membership, what the VAR recorded and her way of deflecting when you inquire, my suggestion to you would be to assume the worst and that she is 'stepping out' and try to build up your cause, just in case things are terminal.

IMO, you are trusting her too much when considering her actions and history. Is it possible that she is testing your resolve ? Testing how far she can go and still have you stay ? My wife would kick my ass if when we argued, I would go on Tinder to talk up to the ladies. It's very problematic behavior.

IMO, there is something going on but that's just my opinion.

I think what you need to ask yourself is if you find out definitely that she is having an affair, exactly what are you going to do about it ? Are you willing to leave ? Are you going to stay in an abusive relationship ?

Balance sheet time. What do you stand to gain if you stay, what will you gain if you walk ? If the gains are better either way, then you need to develop a gameplan in either case and execute it as flawlessly as possible.

Are you staying for the kids at this point and are you willing to endure this for 9 more years ?

These are all questions that only you can answer.

Take a couple of days to yourself. Leave a VAR behind (hopefully you kept the original recordings already but make sure they are legal in your state too), take a trip and get away from the drama to both see how she reacts and also to think on your own to figure out what you need to do. Gameplans are best thought out without distraction.

Take care

posts: 3523   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8708555
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 10:41 AM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Sounds like you need hard evidence, visual evidence. Some husbands do.

Then quit playing around. Hire a PI to give you photographic or video evidence. And/or, put cameras in your home. The legality of the latter varies by jurisdiction I believe, figure it out.

Good luck buddy, you deserve far better than you've been getting.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8708664
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:49 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

I'm sorry that you are here, based on what you posted alone she's an active and unremorseful SERIAL CHEATER and has been doing it for years, I always suggest D when it comes to those and LTAs. The 911 call to get you to a hospital for a couple of days if it was not justified then it's very suspicious and you should thread carefully, she could be building a case for you that could affect custody in a D process, carry another VAR with you at all times, again "Tinder" "OKcupid" "hotel keys" "VAR recordings" etc., make no mistake about it, she's cheating on you and has been doing it for years, don't forget to get tested for STDs.

posts: 2499   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8708690
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:34 AM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Some of the things you might look into are personality disorders. This is a cluster of behaviors, thinking, and feeling that are so pervasive they begin sometime in childhood and are permanent. Often times we tell someone that their ws is narcissistic and sociopathic or borderline. In reality they a fairly rare. The problem is there's a really hard line to allow diagnosing these people. However, things are on a continuum when you talk about human beings. Someone may appear to be very narcissistic but does not meet the criteria exactly. It doesn't matter, the behavior is still so out of control that it is painful to the people that love them. Sociopathy is a scary personality disorder and that person should never be married. That is less on a continuum because you either are sociopathic or you're not. Some people do have more empathy than others but you have to be truly disinterested in other people and their feelings to be sociopathic. The reason this is long-winded is to make sure you understand that your spouse might be on a continuum where her boundaries are invisible. Whether or not she can form boundaries is beyond your abilities. The reality is past behavior is a pretty good indication of future behavior. That's what you have to deal with.

I wish you luck and take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:36 AM, Monday, January 10th]

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8708783
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 sr83 (original poster new member #79745) posted at 5:56 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

This is going to be a long post but may help a few people that sometimes get caught up in whatever stories their brain makes. Suspicion is a very dangerous thing, it may lead your brain to many unrealistic scenarios.
Below is a summary of my detective work, wife's help to get some of them, and exhaustive research and enquiries.
starting with 2014 OkCupid, she said I had full access to her laptop and mobile phone at that time and I used to read them secretly for many days. She said did you see any instance of wrongdoing, did I give my number to anyone? Were there any chats of meeting etc. I said no. She said once you confronted me I stopped using the app but did not delete the profile completely for many months as she thought just stopping to use is enough at that time. Later she did delete when she saw emails still coming in the fake email she created at that time, when she noticed after many months. She said she was sorry for it at that time.
Hotel key - She always used to say it must be from one of our vacations, I kept insisting we never stayed in that hotel and I genuinely believed that. She insisted I check all the hotel booking emails in the last so many years. I checked and I found we made one booking in the same hotel and stayed for a couple of nights with kids. This is not a proof in any way that it is the same key but still gives her a benefit of doubt.
2018 Tinder - She asked me, have you ever installed these apps on your phone? I said yes. She asked did you cheat on me? I said no, I just wanted to see how these apps look like, after hearing about them a lot. She said then why do I think she installed it for the purpose of cheating?
Gym - Her Gym membership requires checkin/checkout every time one visits there. She asked me to check all those records and ask if I find her not going to Gym any particular day. She goes regularly so I asked for the days she did not check in there. She tried her best to recollect, check her car GPS records and her calendar/messages to justify that she indeed did not go to Gym those but where exactly she was. Things like matching with kids school functions/classes, we busy as a family on a given day, we visiting friends place etc
Now coming to the main part of the VAR recordings - If the recordings gave me 100% proof, I would not have needed any of these answers anyways. In one instance my suspicion arose because I heard some weird knocking kind of noise throughout the night at some intervals when I was in a hospital.  My question to her earlier was if everyone was sleeping what were these noises. My suspicion was maybe it is opening and closing of doors/garage throughout the night and why will someone be awake the whole night.Apart from this I also heard some whispering voice at some point in the recording though it could not make any sense. I was convinced it was some kind of human whispering.Now starts the investigation part. She asked me to check the timestamp of recording and match with whatever I could find in our ADT alert system. Whispering things got knocked out immediately. At the exact same time the backyard camera recorded my mother in law entering the backyard in the morning to do her exercise. She said do you think I am that dumb, to bring another man inside the house when my mom is awake and roaming around the house early in the morning and kids about to wake up?She also asked me to check her phone call details of that night, she kept trying to reach me in the hospital almost the whole night, but since I was asleep she could not reach me. She said she kept crying the whole night. She said since you already had a device setup why I did not go and also listened to the conversation just before she called 911, then I will understand why she had to take that step. I was completely knocked out and was saying very nasty things, although I do not have recollection of it.
Similar thing happened with another day's recording I had, there also I heard some unrecognizable whispering, which I could not make any sense of.
I asked if she bypassed ADT somehow. She challenged me to find a way and let her know. I did extensive research and tried every possible move. It can be bypassed for alarm etc but it always leaves a trace in the history log.
Most important thing was there is this one motion sensor at our home, from which no movement inside our home can go undetected. It is installed at the highest point in the ceiling and is battery operated. First it needs a ladder to reach there, I do not believe she will bring the ladder inside our home with kids/mil at home to do anything with it. Moreover, that sensor seems to be working those days and was recording the motion as expected, so there was no tempering recorded in the log or any unusual activity. VAR recorded weird knocking sounds throughout the night, but the motion sensor did not show any activity. First motion it detects is in the morning, when my mil woke up and entered the backyard while passing through that area.
She also insisted that I also get the recording from the neighbor across the street and check that too. I did it on the pretext of missing packages for those days. Nothing unusual was found.
Now she is insisting that I get my whispering recordings checked with cyber forensic professionals and she will pay for it to identify and enhance the whispering to get to the bottom of it. I will do it.
Last but not least, I did the same experiment at home by putting on the recording device at home in the night and checking in the morning and I found the same knocking kind of noise at different times throughout the night, not sure what it is but definitely similar kind of recording.
She said yes she has enjoyed chatting around the end of 2014/2015 time frame but never crossed the line. She said yes she, like every other normal human being might have found few people attractive but that is about it, never did anything to disrespect me. She is swearing on kids etc and saying she can do a lie detector test if I wish to.She said the day I showed my suspicion she immediately shared her location tracking with me and also any other thing for which I did not have the password. She said I gave you access to even my office email if you wanted to check anything there.She said I can accompany her to GYM everyday if I wish to, if that is giving me suspicion.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2022
id 8709005
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:11 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Could be an unlikely case of hoofbeats are zebras.

Did you recover and archive her phone after getting access to it?

Check the phone bill?

She seems ready to help you with the investigation.

Accept her offer on the polygraph.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709007
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 7:23 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Married people shouldn't be visiting hookup sites or apps. That goes for you as well. Have you considered why you did that or why you thought it was ok at the time? If you are so unhappy in your relationship that you're contemplating options you should instead be insisting on marriage counseling (MC) or looking into divorce (D). It sounds like she has given you ample reason for either.

If she's really going to the gym couldn't she just be meeting someone there?

You mentioned your psoriasis as an aside just before talking about her disinterest in sex. Are you thinking those things are connected? Have you talked with her about that?

I hope that your latest post is correct and you're just overreacting. But hookup sites are plenty of smoke to justify your concern of a fire. Good partners chat on public sites dedicated to shared interests. They get support in private from therapists or same-sex friends. Not in secret on hookup sites.

I agree with those who suggest you should be getting some individual counselling (IC). The way you describe her treatment of you is not healthy. The fact that you feel that you need to tolerate that treatment is not healthy. Getting drunk to the point where she calls 911 is not healthy. By working on yourself you will be better equipped to handle whatever is (or isn't) going on.

For help on some of the lingo here check under 'the healing library' for "abbreviations" and "articles."

Again, I really hope your wife is being truthful with you. If you read through the healing library you'll see that many have learned from hard earned experience that their gut is usually right on these things. The challenge is that cheaters are well practiced at lying and gas-lighting - convincing you that *you're* the crazy one. It's not at all unusual for someone to be talked out of thinking that something is going on multiple times only to eventually catch their spouse red handed.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Me: 60, BS
Her: 59, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 199   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8709011
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 1:51 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Married people shouldn't be visiting hookup sites or apps.

OK Cupid up until around that time frame had a blog feature. I hung there with online "friends" of both sexes while I was in my no dating period after the divorce and a few years after I became serious with who would became my wife. We'd use it to share recipes, music, and just thoughts on life in general. There was no interest on my part for using it for dating as one at a time is enough for me. It wasn't until OKC disabled the blog feature with their drive towards mobile focused that I deleted my account. Not saying this was the case for sr83's wife, just not all use of that site was dating related.

posts: 886   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8709030
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