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New Beginnings :
Moving in/blending families cold feet

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 TheKarmaTrain (original poster member #54879) posted at 9:55 PM on Thursday, December 23rd, 2021

I’m 7 years out. Have done so much healing, therapy, went thru the ringer getting myself and my poor kids thru this shitshow. Fast forward and I got my career back on track, financially independent from him, and amazing relationships with my teenagers.

3 years into the most amazing relationship. I love him so much and he would do absolutely anything for me, and for my kids. We are engaged, looking at houses, planning to move in and blend.

I’m starting to get cold feet. Not about him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But about blending (he has younger, tougher kids with some special needs), about sharing my space again (I treasure my alone time bc I never get it with having my kids full time and a full time job) and buying a house together when I’ve worked so hard to be independent.

Do I need to take that leap of faith and trust it will all be ok in the end? Am I being selfish? I’ve never been one to take the easy way out…but I’ve also never been this all over the place. It’s going to be such a huge change not just for me but for my kids. And his - they are nervous. Do I wait until I’m sure it’s the right time? Will there ever really be a right time? Help!!!!

posts: 146   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2016
id 8705657
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straightup ( new member #78778) posted at 12:45 AM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

It’s tricky.

My father married AP; 3 kids each family, spanning ages 14 to 21, 2 dogs.

Dad and stepmother had this blended family idea. Cordial on the surface, but a lot of resentment underneath.

Really, my father was continuing to act selfishly, and was not prioritizing the bio family he had created. He was a clever and gregarious man, but not honest. She was pretty, but vain.

6 years after my Dad’s death (I.e. now) I would text my stepmother a few times a year, and see my step siblings once a year. My bio brother and sister don’t see them at all.

Not even the dogs blended.

I quite like my step siblings, in fact we were neighborhood friends pre-affair. The affair ruined that. We had some mutual sympathy for having been dealt the same bad hand. We were each out the door as soon as we were able.

It’s easier to let the past be past and each lift ourselves up individually by our own bootstraps.

The family I started with didn’t make it and I simply had to do without for 25 years till I could make my own. The fractured stuff that remains goes back to the families of origin, on both sides, none to the blended family.

You don’t have the burden of an affair tainting this relationship. If your kids respect your new spouse and he is a kind and attentive man, you might make it. Please be circumspect about the ‘blended family’ thing, however. Perhaps there is a more thoughtful approach.

For me it felt like I couldn’t even access good past memories, because the family of origin stuff was not being respected and was given no room to develop naturally. We just had decisions foisted in us and eventually walked away.

Maybe cohabitation is a better word than blended.

[This message edited by straightup at 12:56 AM, Friday, December 24th]

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 41   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8705676
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messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 3:49 AM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

I’m so happy for you that this is the hard choice in your life right now - it’s so much better than the hard choices you had to make when you got divorced.

I have no advice or experience in this but I did come across this couple on tik tok who were showing their blended family arrangement. Basically they really wanted to be together but didn’t think it would work with the kids so they found a house that has two living spaces (one on each floor) and the husband has one floor with his kids and the wife has the other floor. They will do meals together when all the kids are together and they say they will sneak into each other rooms when the kids are all there but it also allows them to each have their own space and do their own family stuff as well. I think their plan is to continue that until the kids were out of the house.

Not sure if that’s what you would want but I thought it will an interesting idea.

posts: 268   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8705701
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 2:02 AM on Saturday, December 25th, 2021

Can you do family therapy sessions before making this leap? My WS's parents blended families when he was a tween/teen. His stepsister was older, so they got along fairly well but didn't interact too much. He butted heads regularly with his stepdad. They have a decent/cordial relationship now, but every once in a while we'll all be together and his mom will defer to his stepdad over something he doesn't agree with and it brings up lots of old resentments over things having to be his (sometimes rigid) stepdad's way.

Maybe better to go to therapy now and work out whatever your gut's telling you as a group.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 1994   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8705943
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foxglove ( member #21791) posted at 4:58 PM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

My husband and I have been together ten years, married for three. Between the two of us, we have five children. He has three girls and I have two boys. From oldest to youngest there is a span of 13 years. His two youngest daughters and my sons all did very well with blending, but his oldest daughter was a challenge especially after we moved into together and got married. It seemed to bring to the surface a lot of other issues that needed to be addressed with this young lady - anxiety, lack of self-esteem and self- confidence, and loneliness that I think neither my husband nor his ex-wife seemed to be able to adequately address with her. Unfortunately, it wasn't until it came to a head that a good solution was reached. In the meantime, there was a lot of negativity toward me. Luckily, my H's ex-wife is very supportive of including me in any discussions and problem solving with the girls.

Based on my experience, I would recommend clear communication and expectations between you and your fiancée about parenting style, day-to-day expectations around chores, discipline, etc. Having clear expectations between the two of you and the ability to communicate and support one another when it comes to enforcing those expectations. I also believe that time alone with your own children is very important and it was a challenge for me to get my husband to see that he needed to spend time with each child without me. I would also second the need to be open to early family counseling or pre-marital counseling about the best ways to approach blending families.

The oldest daughter and I have a good relationship now, but she's gotten a lot of counseling and moved into her own home, so space has been helpful.

Good luck to you.

Me (BS) 57
XH (WS)
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two grown sons
Remarried 9/18

posts: 1557   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2008   ·   location: Southeast Michigan
id 8706146
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:22 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

…but I’ve also never been this all over the place.

This is good. If you were going into this thinking "oh this will be just wonderful" with the Brady Bunch music playing in the background, I would be concerned.

Have you considered going to counseling for just YOU initially to work through it yourself (ie before the family counseling)?

I think this would help you work through all that is spinning in your head. I have read that some folks keep their old house and use it as a rental. It gives them some sense of control. Meaning, you always still have it so it takes the pressure out of feeling stranded in the new situation. Or they sale it and put all the money in savings (same theory).

posts: 6694   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8706395
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 10:55 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I’m going to second the therapy for yourself at first. You can get gentle reminders on how to proceed with that. Trust yourself, but don’t let yourself scare YOU.

Me FBS early 40s
Him XWS mid40s (lovemywife4ever), D
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
Free and loving life

posts: 3143   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8706600
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