Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 11:16 PM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021
I just wanted to give an update on my recovery. Last Thursday I came clean about the final thing I was holding back in regards to details about my affair. I told my BH that when the AP came back to the location of our affair and I was back there working as well, the feelings for him came flooding back. The AP never attempted anything but I cannot say that if he did, how I would have responded. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough to turn it down. This was one of my BH worse fears is that I still had feelings for him. This was a span of approximately 10 years from the start of the affair until I left the workplace. When I left, my feelings for him left too. I just wish I wasn’t so stubborn when he came back and left my job when my BH asked me to because it put me in a bad spot. I have been gone from that job for approximately 5 years and I don’t look back and wonder what could have been nor have I even felt like that for anyone else. I have been dedicated to my marriage but was just not the best wife and mother. I was so hateful and down all the time that nobody wanted to be around me. I have really opened my eyes since the relapse that my BH has had. I have made positive changes but still have a lot of work to do. I need to fix me so that I can fix our marriage. I start IC in about 3 weeks. I love my husband with all my heart and hate what I have put him through. I hate seeing the hurt and pain in his eyes. I want him to be happy again. I want to be the best wife I can be for him. I am finally ready to put my big girl panties on and do the work. He deserves so much more than what I have given him. I don’t deserve him, but hope that he will stay and our love can grow from this and we can come out stronger.
Another thing that made me think differently is that he was basically approached by someone that wanted him sexually and he turned it down, but still felt flattered when it happened. It was very hurtful to me and I wanted details as to what happened and how she approached him, etc. He didn’t do anything and so I can only imagine what he was and still is feeling about my betrayal. I was so upset over the situation and not directly at him because he was not wrong in how he handled it. When I had just a sip of what he went through I was devastated. We are really working hard. We have great days and then we have bad days. Our bad days aren’t as bad as they used to be because we have learned to talk a little more calmly when something comes up.
I am not one to give advice but if you are a wayward not matter how hard you think it is or how much you think it will hurt your spouse, you just be transparent. I wish I had handled our recovery differently from the start. In my head I was more worried about hurting him more but in all honesty I was protecting myself and my image. I hate all of this and it sucks seeing yourself in a negative light but the sooner the better it is in healing. It hurt my husband to hear new truths as I trickled them out but it also relieved him because his gut would tell him there was more. I am no where near recovered or earning my husband’s trust and forgiveness back but I finally think we are heading in the right direction
Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 11:28 PM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021
Mods please take down the stop sogn
forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 11:33 PM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021
There are so many unhealthy coping mechanism entwined with cheating and then coming clean it would take a rare person to be able to be honest and fully transparent on the day. That's why finding a good therapist is so important, they should help with developing the tools to being transparent with our dishonesty until we can be honest.
WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 12:08 AM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
The stop sign has now been removed. This topic is now open to all members.
Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.
medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 12:27 AM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
Sorry but I'm not seeing any progress in your attitude beyond the fact that your husband seems to either be a saint or a glutton of punishment- and that this alone is why you are still together. You are at best treading water but by your own words it's still all about you.
It's annoying when you see people say "but I love him with all my heart, just please don't look at the bad stuff I did to them as I didn't mean that bit". It's selfishness to the extreme. If this continued statement were in any way true, then none of what you have done and continue to do would of ever occurred.
I do believe you love the security he brings, I do believe you love the type of person he brings out in you and I do believe that you love the fact that he is willing to look beyond who you actually are and see the person you could become. You chances though of proving this to him are rapidly diminishing at your own hand. That though is on you.
But love him with all your heart? Forgive me if this is taken with a small mine worth of salt. You still love your AP - so how can you love your BS with all your heart when a large piece of it still belongs to the other guy? You can't and never can. You only had to be in the proximity of the AP for the love you hold for him to bubble up and given the same circumstances, your feelings will well right back up to the surface.
So no, you do not love your BS with all your heart.
Maybe one day when you stop throwing the never ending pity party you will find that love you proclaim and be willing to give all your heart to your saint of a husband, but I personally doubt that you are capable of it. A bit of it will always be with the AP.
I hope your IC shows you this underlying fallacy you have so that you can address it. I also hope that your IC shows you that this ongoing selfishness of yours though ingrained in your psyche, can be addressed and finally put to rest.
But I hope this for your BS' sake. He deserves better than what life has given him.
Really though, your bug girl panties should be on by now and the fact that they are only just now being considered shows you how far you really have to go.
Because at this stage you have barely even started.
[This message edited by medieval at 12:28 AM, Wednesday, December 22nd]
sundance ( member #72129) posted at 2:17 AM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
Last Thursday I came clean about the final thing I was holding back in regards to details about my affair. ... I start IC in about 3 weeks.... We are really working hard. ... Our bad days aren’t as bad as they used to be because we have learned to talk a little more calmly when something comes up.
Congrats on forward progress, BW79! Sending hugs and positivity your way. Keep going in the right direction. Keep reaching, and good luck with your upcoming IC session.
Rooting for you and your husband!
"People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action." ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience
Rusty: You scared?
Linus: You suicidal?
Rusty: Only in the morning.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:36 AM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
You should write that complete A timeline down and schedule a polygraph to confirm it is complete and that there have been no other affairs.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Jorge ( member #61424) posted at 5:12 AM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
I have been dedicated to my marriage but was just not the best wife and mother. I was so hateful and down all the time that nobody wanted to be around me.
Your husband is probably pondering at a minimum, these two thoughts/questions.
1) You said you were dedicated, but was hateful and down all the time. It was probably because you still had feelings for your AP and had to "settle" to be with your husband. Waywards who are unhappy are typically unhappy with who they are with (husband) and who they aren't with (AP). If you were with AP would you have been unhappy? You have to ask yourself this question because if I'm your husband I'm assuming the answer is 'yes'. As your husband it would tell me how you viewed me and how you viewed your AP and the fact is your husband couldn't compete with him. No contest actually.
I told my BH that when the AP came back to the location of our affair and I was back there working as well, the feelings for him came flooding back. The AP never attempted anything but I cannot say that if he did, how I would have responded. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough to turn it down. This was one of my BH worse fears is that I still had feelings for him.
2) I can't commend you enough for revealing what was in your heart and knew would be devastating to your husband. It confirms his worse fears and he no longer has to guess. Your unhappiness during your AP's absence coincided with your alleged rededication to your husband. He knew all along but now he knows authentically that your heart wasn't with him but with your AP. The cold reality is if your AP wanted you he could have had you and your husband has to live with the humiliation now having you is only because your AP didn't. If I have the timeline right, it doesn't get much more humiliating than that.
Essentially, the fate of your marriage and relationship with your husband was not decided by you, but by your AP. I can't say this is irreparable, but the facts and circumstances cannot be undone. He has to live with the pain of being a second choice while being married to you, regardless of how you spin it because your actions have already spoken and the affair period cannot be relived to show a different outcome. He has to live with what happened and manage his pain accordingly.
asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:21 PM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
You should write that complete A timeline down and schedule a polygraph to confirm it is complete and that there have been no other affairs.
What TiF said. And no you shouldn’t ask your BH if he wants you to or tell him that this is something that you’re “willing to do if he needs it”. Tell him you’re going to schedule it and ask him to screen the examiner and work with them on the questions he needs asked.
You were proactive in your affair, show him you can be proactive in your reconciliation.
[This message edited by asc1226 at 9:26 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]
I make edits, words is hard
DictumVeritas ( member #74087) posted at 6:07 PM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
As said above, barring a polygraph no-one would fault your husband if he doubts the truthfulness of anything you say. He might be wondering if some of the following is true or still subject to continued lying:
1) That you and the AP were not having sexual contact after he returned to your place of employment. The guy knew you were interested and even-though he wasn't interested in a relationship he had already demonstrated that he was of such low moral fiber that sex with a married woman was no obstacle to him.
2) That this was your only physical affair. You demonstrated that you had no problem to go outside the marriage and hide your feelings and actions well. Once that line is crossed it is not hard to believe that it becomes easier and easier for a person to repeatedly do so, especially in the light of an admitted EA with a second confirmed AP.
3) That the plans with the EA AP did not extend to a meetup and perhaps even could have been consummated seeing that you have the ability to lie and persist a lie over such a long period.
4) That you actually love and respect your husband, since your actions over an extended period demonstrates the exact opposite of love and respect.
I agree that you should pro-actively subject yourself to a polygraph (even multiple sessions if required) in order to verify that the full truth is now known, since your word is rightfully of very little value to your husband.
[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 6:09 PM, Wednesday, December 22nd]
Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:24 PM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
iggyb ( new member #74562) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021
I believe I have read the story from both sides. I have to say the details are heartbreaking, on your BS side.
Your story, im sorry to say, does not truly stand up.
There is no way that you don't recall every betrayal you did, betrayal at your level requires total focus, and calculation, on not being caught and that is not something the mind forgets, dates and times, maybe, details of who & when & where, never.
I don't think your BS gut feelings are wrong and I feel that a lot of what you are writing here is more to convince yourself than to fix a truly broken individual who's betrayal is one of the worst I have had the displeasure of reading.
If you are honestly saying to him and us, that you have now finally told the truth then offer the polygraph and let your BS dictate the questions that he feels need answering.
Any refusal to do this would be devastating to him.
I don't like commenting on Wayward posts as the emotions tend to get the better of me but the pain of your BS and your total lack of understanding of the damage trickle truth does has really hit a nerve, sorry.
Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 1:18 AM on Thursday, December 23rd, 2021
I’m thankful that you have come clean. The worst thing my WW did to me was to insist to trust her now. Then more TT came out and ok trust me now. She violated and took advantage of my trust until it was gone.
When she did finally put it all out there I still didn’t believe her, trust was completely destroyed.
Please make sure you are not holding anything back, put everything on the table and then it will take time. Don’t rush him it’s going to take a long time. I wish you the best
Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids
WishidleftHer ( new member #78703) posted at 1:48 AM on Sunday, January 23rd, 2022
Understand this, no matter whether it's one year or twenty, the memory of the betrayal will never go away. Your BH will live with it for the rest of his life. Its been over thirsty years since my WW's affair and I still get "mind movies" sometimes. It will ease but it will never be completely gone.
I wish you luck and hope you can prove me wrong.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:14 PM, Sunday, January 23rd]