WH and I got legally separated at the end of July. We've separated everything and I am living in a new place.
We told the children (both 14 at the time) that their dad and I had tried really hard to make the marriage work but that at that point it was best for the family that dad and I separate.
No mention of cheating. The children were completely blindsided, didn't have a clue about any troubles we were having.
When WH and I were discussing what to tell the children, he and 4 therapists (1 for each family member) convinced me not to mention the cheating and say the above. I also made it clear that if the children asked me why, I would tell the truth. I'm not surprised that they didn't ask why at the time.
Dd and I were painting our nails about a month ago and asked why we got divorced. (They are 15 now). My heart lurched and fell. I thought maybe they'd ask in a few years, if ever, not a few short months. I sort of asked her if she was sure she wanted to know, once she knew, she couldn't un-know. I truly believe she was asking innocently, not confirming any suspicions. Then I told her Dad cheated on me. She asked if I found out in a good way, and I said there is no good way. She sat with that for a bit, then said she was sorry and gave me a hug.
A few days later (in the vein of avoiding hard conversations) I told ds what his sister asked and asked him if he wanted to know. He said sure. I told him only that Dad cheated on me. Ds didn't ask anything.
I didn't tell wh any of this until this past Friday night. First, I didn't see any need to, second, I would prefer to avoid hard conversations.
Basically, ds asked me to tell his dad that dd and ds knew. I email wh and told him bare bones what happened.
Wh was angry and emailed me back many times in anger that night and into the next morning. Then, yesterday afternoon, he emails another reply saying that I violated the (standard) disparagement clause in our separation agreement.
What should I have done when my dd asked me why?