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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Divorce/Separation :
Separated, divorce likely in the first quarter of 2022

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 TurnedTurtle (original poster member #65603) posted at 10:16 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

My DDay1, discovering my STBXWW's asymmetric emotional affair/crush/limmerance with OM was about 3-1/2 years ago. DDay2, coming to the realization that my marriage was a mixed-orientation one as my STBXWW is "ace," was about 2-1/2 years ago. It's been a tough several years.

Neither of us seeing any acceptable resolution to our issues, we decided to separate about two months ago, after 32 years living together, 28 married -- I started looking for a new place to live back in my home state right away and am under contract to buy an historic old house, closing mid-January. I have been staying nearby with my Dad in the interim, with a couple trips back to STBXWW's place to take care of business (we were "partners" in two businesses, as well as in life).

Fortunately our son is now an independent self-supporting adult, and he seems to be OK with our separating.

While the division of assets should be pretty straightforward, both STBXWW and I have each retained attorneys to help us mediate the process. We're waiting to close the books on 2021 to know better where we stand on the businesses before proceeding -- and I'm waiting on STBXWW to make decisions on certain options before us (her), too.

I can't wait to get in to my "new" house, so I can move my tools and other belongings out of STBXWW's place, set up shop and get to work on fixing the place up (it needs it!). To facilitate the moving and hauling of materials I'll need once I start fixing my place up, I just traded my VW in on a "new" pickup truck (my Christmas present to myself).

I love that woman very much but the fundamental incompatibility between us has haunted our marriage for decades. Her infidelity and betrayal (lying about, hiding, and covering up of her affair) certainly didn't help. There is no going back....

So I am looking forward to the future, starting my life over from scratch as it were at the age of 59, full of possibilities!

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8704826
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:30 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

It sounds to me like you are in a really good place and looking forward right now, which is awesome! I just want to caution you that the divorce train is very weird. There's a lot of grief and it can circle back up and hit you at unexpected times. My D was finalized in Dec 2019, and I had a total meltdown a couple months ago just feeling SO fucking sad and angry. Just be prepared and don't beat yourself up if you have hard days going through the process. I will say this - even with the hard days I had, it was still WAY easier divorcing a cheater than living with one. And life after has been better than I ever thought it could be.

Cheers to you and I hope your D process goes as easily as it can!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3298   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8704829
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 TurnedTurtle (original poster member #65603) posted at 11:32 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Thanks, EllieKMAS. I have been dealing with the grief for several months before the decision was finally made. Yes, this is not at all the outcome I wanted, but at the same time it feels inevitable, and perhaps even overdue (as I alluded). I am sure there will hard days ahead, and there is still a lot yet to be resolved.

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8704841
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 12:17 AM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

I recall your original posts. I am sorry that your M has come to this. But it seems like you are doing as well as could be expected. As Ellie said be aware of recurring grief as you go through the process. Take care of you. Sending you positive vibes. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2948   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8704849
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 TurnedTurtle (original poster member #65603) posted at 12:47 AM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

@fareast, your signature line sure fits the bill!

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8704855
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 5:21 AM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

I remember your capsized thread as one of the few successful reconciliation stories. So sorry that didn’t hold true over time. Best of luck going forward.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 402   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8704874
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 TurnedTurtle (original poster member #65603) posted at 10:04 AM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

I remember your capsized thread as one of the few successful reconciliation stories. So sorry that didn’t hold true over time.

Huh, I'm sort of surprised to hear you thought my story was a successful reconciliation. We did give it a go, but I think our underlying incompatibility had already lead to much distance between us. I would never be truly happy continuing to be celibate for the rest of my life, as I largely have been for the past couple decades.

[This message edited by TurnedTurtle at 10:05 AM, Saturday, December 18th]

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8704891
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 TurnedTurtle (original poster member #65603) posted at 1:22 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

Just to clarify my last statement above, in the community of sexual partners of asexual people four possible outcomes are generally recognized: 1) the sexual partner becomes celibate, 2) some compromise is worked out, 3) opening up of the relationship, or 4) ending the relationship. I had been in spot 1 for a long time (which was not a happy place); in our "reconciliation" from STBXWW's "affair," we tried #2, and it was through that experience that I came to understand asexuality as an orientation -- it wasn't working for either of us. That left going back to #1 (Ugh!), trying door #3 (ethically or consensually!), or ultimately door #4.

I think in many (most?) romantic relationships there is a physical component and an emotional component, and they build on each other in a positive feedback loop. When there is connection, it's great and the relationship grows, but if there is a disconnection in one or other, the positive feedback loop is still there, just in the opposite direction, so that the disconnect grows and the relationship becomes distant. Early on in our relationship I was too naive and inexperienced to see this happening; later I could see it happening but still didn't fully understand it and tried to get STBXWW to talk about it with me but she wouldn't or couldn't. Now the glue that had been holding us together despite it all has finally dried up ...

[This message edited by TurnedTurtle at 1:23 PM, Saturday, December 18th]

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8704905
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 12:22 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

I didn’t remember the asexual aspect. Maybe I misread it as the usual withholding that comes with some affairs. It seems your attempt at R was even more uphill than I recalled.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 402   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8704981
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 4:02 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

"I told you so -"

TT:

Read through your first post/thread. By about page six I was saying to myself - "This dude is on his way to a divorce and it won't be pretty process . . ."

So Here you are.

Well, Life goes on and there is the possibility that WW (emotional or otherwise) figures out herself (figure of speech) and decides she can change and maybe you two can get back together?
(Wishful thinking - nah - shit happens)


Something I read earlier tonight:

But I am reminded that we can't change other people -- we can only change ourselves. Certainly we can offer information/education to other people, and hope that they integrate it into themselves and change as a consequence; we can offer incentives/rewards for the changes we would like to see in others, and hope that there is enough enticement for them to make the changes we would like to see in them; and finally we can try to change ourselves in ways that might bring others alongside us so that we can change and grow together, mutually. I am not an expert in any of this....


Sorry for you -

Long term you will find happiness - without the drag of an (emotionally?) unfaithful spouse.

Wondering - if there are some unresolved "childhood" nightmares affecting her?


Again - so Sorry for you

Not Just Friends

posts: 596   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8705002
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 5:03 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

Maybe I am more dumb than a 10 year old tree stump but - I thought being married included the "joys of sex" with a special person.

Did I miss out somewhere?

FYI - not my current situation!

Not Just Friends

posts: 596   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8705006
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:34 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

I remember your story, I'm sorry it hadd to come to this but I honestly didn't think it would work based on what you posted at the time, I'm glad you have made the decision to move on and end that farce of a M.

posts: 2501   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8705008
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 TurnedTurtle (original poster member #65603) posted at 9:52 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Update: The closing on my "new" house has been moved up to this Friday - Yay! I am really looking forward to getting myself set up in a permanent situation of my own -- living with my father and his wife for these past two months has been nice*, but a bit cramped and cluttered.

*nice to spend time with them and get a real feel for how they are doing -- hanging in there for 89 and 83 respectively, but distressing at the same time: I don't wanna get old... is this what my life will be 30 years from now?!?!

I'm renovating their laundry into a new bathroom so they'll have one on the first floor, but I guess now I've got to step up the pace! Fortunately, my new place is only 45 minutes away from Dad's house, so I'll be able to visit regularly (and come back to finish as necessary).

STBX and I have minimal contact and so far are working amicably to resolve questions around the distribution of property, although I think when it comes to the big-ticket item(s) we may have a significant difference of opinion about what is "equitable." Not sure how hard I want to fight when I also just want to get it over and done with...

The issue is that the place where she lives, and where we were living together before the separation, into which I had put a lot of sweat-equity over the years, is considered non-marital property (her inheritance). Now I have to spend from out of my half of the marital property to establish my own place to live. I don't want any share of her inheritance, but I do think about "equity" in terms such that we each need a place to live and do our thing, so maybe I shouldn't have to give up so much of the marital property that is otherwise titled in my name (e.g. my retirement savings)... We'll see how it goes.

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8707295
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 6:27 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Don't let the "sweat equity" and other non legal and issues derail what could otherwise be a "smooth" and potentially amicably D process, try to negotiate in good terms with her, consult your attorney about it and heed his/her advice, don't let this drag for longer that it needs to be, you have endured this for way too long. On another note I'm just curious, what happened to the AP? were/are they still in touch ? not that it matters much at this point but just to get some more perspective as to what's been happening since it took you a while to update during your R effort.

posts: 2501   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8707978
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 TurnedTurtle (original poster member #65603) posted at 12:22 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Buster, STBXWW continues to work with the OM. She was able somehow to change the way she thought about him (i.e., switch off the limmerance), and I've not really had any reason to question that. I had been checking the phone records to satisfy my own curiosity and her communication with him (in the off-season) plummeted to near zero. But yeah, it's all moot now; I am moving on... (and No, I am not going to hold up the divorce, but I do want to make my plug...)

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8708075
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:08 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Ok, thanks for answering my question, keep the eye on the ball, you made the right decision, good luck and keep posting, others may benefit from your advice and experience down the road.

posts: 2501   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8708106
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 5:13 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Good luck to you. I am sorry your M has come to an end but I hope your future is filled with peace and happiness you so deserve. Buying and living in a historic house sounds so charming! I hope your new life brings you much joy and new adventures!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8708132
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 TurnedTurtle (original poster member #65603) posted at 9:15 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

a historic house sounds so charming!

DG, yes, indeed, but "historic old house" can also be a euphemism for a "fixer-upper" that "needs a lot of work!" -- but it is work I generally enjoy and which will definitely keep me busy!

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8708153
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