SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, like the title says, I'm just beginning this process. DDay 1 was February 2020. Affair for about a year. False R for a few months while he was still seeing the OW. Then started real R in June 2020. I thought we were going strong and making progress. I was so cocky about it. I thought we were doing amazing, I was so proud of us. Then DDay 2 was 11/28/21, about a week ago. Affair for 6 months with a new OW. This time she has kids who he's met and spent time with. Her kids are older, 12 and 13, and she's divorced. As far as I know she thought he was also divorced and now that she's found out she's stopped seeing him. But I don't know that for sure. I don't know that she hasn't forgiven him; she could still be talking to him and taking him back for all I know. I don't know what to believe anymore, there have been so many lies. He had me fooled so well.

So anyway, that's the quick very of the story. I can't do R again. I told him that we're over, that I'm done. We have three boys together (5, 4, and 2). He travels for work during the week so he's not home, but he hasn't moved out yet so he stays in the boys' room on the weekend. He's looking for a house or apartment to rent.

I find that I'm way more sad/deeply depressed then I am angry. I feel like I'm not doing this right; that I'm supposed to be more angry. That I'm supposed to be screaming at him every time I see his face. I just feel so lost.

I've talked to a lawyer and explored all of that. But for the sake of health insurance I think we're going to do separation instead of divorce, at least until our youngest starts school. I am a stay at home mom and WH says he wants to continue to provide and let me continue to do that, at least until youngest starts school in a couple years. Maybe that's naïve of me, I really have no idea. I'm honestly just trying to take a minute before I figure everything out. I'm still processing that this is even happening to me. It hasn't all settled in yet and become fully real.

[This message edited by FuturewasStolen at 1:08 PM, Tuesday, December 7th]

Since he has done this twice and possibly more you need to be aware that he lies. Long term lies. I think you would be wise to consult with an attorney. You don’t need to hire one but you do need financial safety. I also think you need to look at finding employment asap. I don’t trust a man who lies this easily. If he has traveled most of your marriage how attached is he to his children? Be aware. Once he moves out physically he might move on emotionally from his children.

My suggestion is to consult with several attorneys.

If you go the separation route, then there needs to be court orders regarding support (child and spousal), visitation, etc. The first time he is non compliant with orders, you do not back down from him. You need this protection.

I would be leary of having my finacial sercuity tied up to this man. He will not have your best interest at heart. What happens when he has a GF start whispering in his ear?

There are other BS that have endured games played by the WS using money as a form of control.

As much as you may want to stay home until the youngest is in school, is this really a feasible plan?

I became a nurse after my divorce. Of course I left the field a few years back but currently learning business so that I can work with my current spouse. What would you like to do?

A "legal separation" might disqualify you from continuing to be carried on his insurance (or vice-versa), so if that is the over-riding reason for separating vs. just divorcing, then maybe you should be talking to your attorney about a "post-nuptial agreement" as the basis for an informal or "trial" separation. This likely wouldn't be recorded anywhere official so wouldn't interfere with insurance or other things, but could still serve as the basis for a future divorce once the time comes (e.g. when the youngest kid heads off to school).

ATTORNEY!!!!!
Please please please get some legal advice, and get everything in a contractual agreement.

When he finds a new woman that wants to be supported, and get something out of the relationship, you will be left in the cold without a second thought, and so will your kids most likely. He is a liar.

DO NOT believe ANYTHING HE SAYS.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been through this exactly and I know your heart is hurting. You do not deserve to be married to a cheater. I'm glad you tried to reconcile because that is always a good first step. There's no need to rush this if you don't feel comfortable. Have you thought about seeing a counselor individually? This could be a safe place for you to express what you want with some balanced feedback. Sending you a hug and just want you to know you are not alone.

Please get a legal binding signed document he will provide for you, your kids and house as a stay at home mother until your youngest is in school.

9/10 times as soon as the breadwinner has moved out and started dating their "old life" aka you and the kids become more of a noose than something he wants to help. I'm not saying this to be petty, it's common, right now he is feeling sorry for himself and this gesture is him showing himself more than you he is the good guy, that wares off really quick once you're out of sight and out of mind.

Personally I wouldn't trust it and not only be speaking to my lawyer but also looking for work if I was in your shoes.

Right now, he's in the phase where he is willing to do more for you so he can be with the OW. Personally, I would skip the separation and go straight to divorce. In some states, he can be compelled to continue to pay your health insurance, or perhaps you could have him cover the kids and his spousal support would be increased so that you could purchase health insurance privately.

The longer you wait, the less patient and generous he is likely to be. I wouldn't risk it.

Cat

Talk to an attorney. You might be able to stay on his health insurance after the divorce; your kids should certainly still be covered by his insurance.

I don't think you should wait around indefinitely to legally divorce; here are the reasons:
(1) He lied to you and cheated on you during your marriage. Why do you trust any promises he is making now that your relationship is over? If you have a settlement in place that outlines his financial obligations and your custody and visitation arrangements, you won't need to rely on him to keep his word for anything because you will have something legally enforceable to hold him accountable if he doesn't. You won't have to play nice with him so he keeps taking care of you. You won't have to argue with him about who has the kids and who is paying for what. You can minimize the contact you have with him, which will help expedite your healing.
(2) You're more likely to get a generous settlement from him while he's still feeling sad and guilty about what he's done. You won't be able to rely on his magnanimity if he becomes resentful or has another woman who influences his decisions.
(3) For as long as he is your husband, he will retain the right to make decisions on your behalf in the event that you are deceased or medically incapacitated.
(4) He can choose to divorce you at any time, perhaps at a time that is most beneficial to him or puts you at a disadvantage. For example, my aunt told her now ex-husband she wanted to divorce, but he begged her to give him another chance for the sake of their child, so she decided to hold off. A year later, the 2008 crash happened. The value of his assets significantly depreciated and he didn't get a bonus that year. He then filed and had her served with divorce papers without any notice. Her lawyer told her that if she had divorced him when she initially said she would, her financial settlement and child support payments would've been much higher.