I don't find it believable at all that he just doesn't think of her anymore. She's there, still in his space and still crying for him. She's still there causing issues between the two of you with her presence and his refusal to shut her down.
I have/had hard time believing it too. He claims he was in love with her, but after I found out and he had to choose between us, he never hesitated and now says he just doesn't look back. I suggested it obviously wasn't real, if he could just stop having feelings for her, but he doesn't agree. The explanation is, while he was in love with her, he had known for a long time, their A just didn't have a happy ending and would have to stop eventually, he just couldn't bring himself to do it (for 9 years ). So he had time to adjust to the fact that she would be gone some day. And now that it is over, he says it is for the best and he doesn't allow himself to dwell on what could be, because he is confident he made the right choice. He just wants this part of his life to be over. It kind of makes sense, but then again, idk maybe I just want it to make sense, to belive that he really is willing to change. I have a good feeling that he is finally telling me the truth, even my gut that I was ignoring for the past 9 years, is silent now, but I can't know for sure.
To be fair, he is trying to shut her down. He told her on several occasions, that they can't interact anymore, except when is absolutely neccessary for work. He informed hiss boss about the affair and asked not to be put on joint projects with her, which btw really pissed her off . He avoids seeing her, and if they end up in the same room, he ignores her, but it is not always possible. Last week, when she approached him after two months of NC, he couldn't get away, so he just listened and didn't comment, except repeating that they cannot be in contact other then absolutely neccessary work related stuff. So he is trying to be NC, he just doesn't want to hurt her by rubbing it in that their relationship was the worst choice he ever made and he regrets every moment of it. And I get it, no decent person wants to deliberately hurt someone else, particularly not someone he had feelings for, but I just want him to do it for me. To show me, that I come first now, that he is in my corner and that if I need it, he is willing to do something he won't be proud of, for me.
What is he doing to become a safe partner other than not cheating?
I have to admit, he is really trying on that front. We are talking all the time, about us and about the affairs. He brings it up, so I don't have to and he apologizes all the time. He is figuring out why and how he let himself betray me and our relatinoship. I can see his remorse, he actually just breaks down sometimes with guilt and shame and this feeling that he destroyed everything. He never blameshifts, accepts full responsibility and he is always there for me, wheather I am sad and I cry or if I am mad or when I just have to vent. He is open about his whereabouts at all times, he gave me access to all his accounts and his location, he calls me a lot, just to confirm he is next to his phone, when I check his location, he establishes video link whenever I need or when he has to stay late at work, to confirm he is not with her. So other than fucking her in a toilet at work, there isn't much he could do to maintain a PA with her. EA is another thing, but as I said earlier, my gut is telling me, he is sincere now. But if I am wrong, I will divorce him. What I have learned in the past 9 years is, that I can live without him and I am not willing to put up with any disrespect from him ever again. I am not saying that sending her the NC letter with brutal truth is a dealbreaker, it is not, if he proves to me he can be safe and loving partner some other way. But it does show me, that he still wants to protect her, even at my expense and it could set the possibility of R back.
[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 10:47 AM, Tuesday, November 30th]