Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
2 Year Dday 2 antiversary

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 Tanner (original poster member #72235) posted at 12:12 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Today is 2 years from Dday 2. This is a bit of a vent but I welcome input from WS in R also.

I went today and spent some time for myself. I got a haircut and got my sweet beard manicured and I feel awesome. My confidence is off the charts, today.

I’m at the end of false R season. I don’t remember it last year but this year is definitely triggery. False R is where, for me, the most damage was done. In false R I had a front row seat to just how cruel my WW could be. When I agreed to R on Dday, she pulled the knife out of back, then immediately plunged it into my heart, with 2 months of TT, manipulation and la la land. No further contact with AP but confided in her friend that she missed him. She also was telling her she was going to play nice until she could leave the M.

Since we started R for the second time in Dec 2019 she has been solid. Very supportive and remorseful. But, in the past couple of months I feel old habits and behaviors creeping back in. She is showing some selfishness, disrespect, depression and clamming up instead of communicating. My gut is good she isn’t up to anything, but this is the pattern that lead to the top of the slippery slope.

I have brought my concerns up to her as well as the triggers I’ve had this time of year and have been met with defensiveness. She has suggested I should be healed by now, but “SI just keeps me triggered”.

My healing is progressing just fine, I know that’s on me, my triggers are manageable. I don’t expect her to heal me, but don’t sabotage it either. It feels like our R has either plateaued or hit a wall for now. We enjoy our time together and we make a great team with our boys(special needs), but I feel like I have a live in girlfriend that I’m not ready propose to yet. I don’t feel stuck or in limbo, for now, but is this as good as it gets? Is it a phase of R fatigue? Not sure where we are honestly.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8700058
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 12:39 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

But, in the past couple of months I feel old habits and behaviors creeping back in. She is showing some selfishness, disrespect, depression and clamming up instead of communicating.


This is what did us in. I just couldn't countenance this behavior which dated back before the betrayal. I'd told her I won't live with the old marriage where I'd keep in what bothered me (stuff like sneakiness and "harmless" everyday lies) rather than "upset" her. I was very clear that I'd be bringing up what rubbed me wrong and that I expected an adult conversation to ensue. She did OK for awhile, but that word "creep." Old habits and behaviors crept in and I called it a day after giving her 5 years to get it. That was 8 months ago.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8700065
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ISurvivedSoFar ( member #56915) posted at 1:13 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Has your WS been in IC at all? Do you have a sense that she has gotten to the core of the part of her that allowed her to do this to you?

She has suggested I should be healed by now

This tells you what you need to know. She is not remorseful. She is regretful. She isn't concerned about your well being as much as she is concerned that you don't make her feel badly when you are processing the trauma she caused.

I did not experience a remorseful WS in year two unfortunately. He was steeped in shame and could not handle my continued trauma reactions. Much like yours, he thought I should be over it and happy again. The good news? Things are good now. The other news? It took quite some time for him to come to terms with what he'd done. Once that happened things got much better and even great.

I found he did not get serious with his work until he knew that I was not going to hang around for the continued lack of remorse. I am proud of the work he has done but do wish he had "gotten it" much sooner.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 7:20 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)]

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8700072
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:03 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

My wife made the same claim — that SI was doing more harm than good.

I reminded her I wouldn’t NEED SI if I was feeling safe at home.

Yes, SI can absolutely be a giant trigger. This is why I tend to take extended breaks from here and the whole Internet to focus on me and life.

We tend to hang out more often if something feels off, if we’re not quite sure our path is the right one or if things could or should be better.

Infidelity is life altering pain.

After surviving infidelity, my plan was pretty simple: get the life I want - with or without my wife.

In my case, my wife figured this out: whatever I NEEDED to heal, she would support. Even if a tough day was made tougher because of something I read on SI.

One thing I didn’t allow, at all, in any way was my wife’s defensiveness — one is only EVER defensive if they don’t feel good about their actions or their position on an issue.

When my wife got defensive, I asked why she thought she was being defensive. Almost always, it was guilt or shame or anger. And her anger was thinking I would never see her the same again — and that’s true — but I see her as more NOW, not less, because she learned to trust me and how I healed.

It’s another reason R is so uphill.

It’s tough for each to give to the other when BOTH partners need to heal at some level (you a whole bunch more then her).

But you need what you need and if she doesn’t support that, it is a red flag to me.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8700153
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