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Today is 2 years from Dday 2. This is a bit of a vent but I welcome input from WS in R also.

I went today and spent some time for myself. I got a haircut and got my sweet beard manicured and I feel awesome. My confidence is off the charts, today.

I’m at the end of false R season. I don’t remember it last year but this year is definitely triggery. False R is where, for me, the most damage was done. In false R I had a front row seat to just how cruel my WW could be. When I agreed to R on Dday, she pulled the knife out of back, then immediately plunged it into my heart, with 2 months of TT, manipulation and la la land. No further contact with AP but confided in her friend that she missed him. She also was telling her she was going to play nice until she could leave the M.

Since we started R for the second time in Dec 2019 she has been solid. Very supportive and remorseful. But, in the past couple of months I feel old habits and behaviors creeping back in. She is showing some selfishness, disrespect, depression and clamming up instead of communicating. My gut is good she isn’t up to anything, but this is the pattern that lead to the top of the slippery slope.

I have brought my concerns up to her as well as the triggers I’ve had this time of year and have been met with defensiveness. She has suggested I should be healed by now, but “SI just keeps me triggered”.

My healing is progressing just fine, I know that’s on me, my triggers are manageable. I don’t expect her to heal me, but don’t sabotage it either. It feels like our R has either plateaued or hit a wall for now. We enjoy our time together and we make a great team with our boys(special needs), but I feel like I have a live in girlfriend that I’m not ready propose to yet. I don’t feel stuck or in limbo, for now, but is this as good as it gets? Is it a phase of R fatigue? Not sure where we are honestly.

But, in the past couple of months I feel old habits and behaviors creeping back in. She is showing some selfishness, disrespect, depression and clamming up instead of communicating.

This is what did us in. I just couldn't countenance this behavior which dated back before the betrayal. I'd told her I won't live with the old marriage where I'd keep in what bothered me (stuff like sneakiness and "harmless" everyday lies) rather than "upset" her. I was very clear that I'd be bringing up what rubbed me wrong and that I expected an adult conversation to ensue. She did OK for awhile, but that word "creep." Old habits and behaviors crept in and I called it a day after giving her 5 years to get it. That was 8 months ago.

Has your WS been in IC at all? Do you have a sense that she has gotten to the core of the part of her that allowed her to do this to you?

She has suggested I should be healed by now

This tells you what you need to know. She is not remorseful. She is regretful. She isn't concerned about your well being as much as she is concerned that you don't make her feel badly when you are processing the trauma she caused.

I did not experience a remorseful WS in year two unfortunately. He was steeped in shame and could not handle my continued trauma reactions. Much like yours, he thought I should be over it and happy again. The good news? Things are good now. The other news? It took quite some time for him to come to terms with what he'd done. Once that happened things got much better and even great.

I found he did not get serious with his work until he knew that I was not going to hang around for the continued lack of remorse. I am proud of the work he has done but do wish he had "gotten it" much sooner.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 7:20 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)]

My wife made the same claim — that SI was doing more harm than good.

I reminded her I wouldn’t NEED SI if I was feeling safe at home.

Yes, SI can absolutely be a giant trigger. This is why I tend to take extended breaks from here and the whole Internet to focus on me and life.

We tend to hang out more often if something feels off, if we’re not quite sure our path is the right one or if things could or should be better.

Infidelity is life altering pain.

After surviving infidelity, my plan was pretty simple: get the life I want - with or without my wife.

In my case, my wife figured this out: whatever I NEEDED to heal, she would support. Even if a tough day was made tougher because of something I read on SI.

One thing I didn’t allow, at all, in any way was my wife’s defensiveness — one is only EVER defensive if they don’t feel good about their actions or their position on an issue.

When my wife got defensive, I asked why she thought she was being defensive. Almost always, it was guilt or shame or anger. And her anger was thinking I would never see her the same again — and that’s true — but I see her as more NOW, not less, because she learned to trust me and how I healed.

It’s another reason R is so uphill.

It’s tough for each to give to the other when BOTH partners need to heal at some level (you a whole bunch more then her).

But you need what you need and if she doesn’t support that, it is a red flag to me.

Thanks for the replies, she was in IC for over a year and seemed to be getting real work done. It’s been almost a year since she’s been due to insurance changes.

I will say she is no where near how we started. We have grown but it’s just the occasional defensiveness and selfishness that brings me back to how we were before the A’s.

We have had some talks over the week and she does not want us going back there so we are actually communicating better. She seems very needy/ codependent on me and I can hardly leave a room without her following me or looking for me. We don’t do anything separate except when I’m at work.

I know she is full of shame, avoidant ,and will not ever check to see how I’m doing on healing or triggers. Let’s just ignore the subject. This is not a run for hills scenario but I promised her I will be forever vigilant in this R and will call out bull shit.

I definitely got the "you are obsessing over this because of what you read" line more than once. I explained that reading here didn’t make me feel a certain way, it made me feel not-crazy for feeling the way I did. Huge difference. Eventually I did feel a natural urge to pull back. I don’t think doing so helped me heal, I think doing so felt right because I had been healing. Again big difference.

Even if a tough day was made tougher because of something I read on SI.

Yes exactly! This ish isn’t going to get much easier or much harder just because of what we read. But we learn and we commiserate and that helps each of us on a unique path. It’s about surviving it.

I know she is full of shame, avoidant ,and will not ever check to see how I’m doing on healing or triggers. Let’s just ignore the subject

Oh yeah same here. My therapist helped me come to terms with this. In his mind he is doing all the right things for our marriage. Well, he is doing many many right things. This notion of proactively asking me "how is that trauma I inflicted upon you going today?" will never come easily. He still gets the martyr complex sometimes too. Oh whoa is me. I’m trying so hard and you are still hurting and it is still hard. My therapist noted that as I’ve healed I’ve gotten better at kind of ignoring that. Like… "ok you done whining? Good. Here’s what I need." And as I got better at neutralizing his imperfect actions and reactions, he has actually gotten better at how he handles things. Still not as proactive as he should he. But progress.

If the journey still feels mostly good and in a forward direction, hang in there through the plateau. But don’t feel bad needing more!

That 2-yr milestone was still very hard for me despite being handled pretty well. I feel we have turned a corner in the weeks since then and it’s nice. I hope you do as well! Keep that open communication going.

Old timer with a successful R with a few random thoughts.

1. Humans will always choose the path that is easiest for them, and if they have bad habits they have had their entire life, then when things calm down and start to get back to normal those old habits will rear their ugly head again.
That said as a good partner it is time to call it out, and ask for other ways to deal with things if the behaviors are triggery to you. If you have a truly remorseful spouse that is doing the work will see this as an opportunity to improve who they are and will try to change it again.
Little story. My H is a great guy, he truly is caring kind individual and will do random acts of kindness for other most any day of the week. That said when his work is extremely stressful he tends to shut down, close in, be quiet, and was horrible about allowing his stress flow over into home life, and could be a real bear at times. It took years of me consistently saying. I understand your work sucks right now, but remember these people that you live with here, at home, we love you and we will help you, and we did nothing to cause your anger because you are pissed about work. I would encourage him to go play outside, to spend some quiet time on himself, or go listen to some good tunes and run to the store to reset. This worked for us.
I too had wicked bad habits, I would act in very codependent ways, being stressed, and on eggshells when he was cranky. I too would try to find happiness in what my family was doing. If I could keep everyone happy then I was happy. Not my job. I get it now, but it took about 3 years of working hard on me to break it.

2. Dday antiversaries are very triggering for a lot of people for a long time. Give yourself a break today. The self care is great. What else can you do to help you feel good and be happy.

3. Make sure your W knows that she is NOT allowed to set your timeline on healing. Be frank and firm. If she doesn't like it, tough stuff. Your healing is yours alone. If your healing takes 5 years, and you feel like you haven't made real progress, then it may be time to really re-evaluate your goals of R, and why you haven't healed, but it sounds like you are doing good work on your side of the fence. She needs to do hers as well. Does she need more IC? Or does she have the framework for change, and just got lazy? Then she will continue if she isn't called out. If you call it out, and she re-engages in that work great, fantastic, wonderful. If you call it out, and she doesn't or gets pissy about it or stomps her feet and pouts about it, then it maybe time to evaluate goals for yourself again.

She has suggested I should be healed by now

Translation: just get over it.

GTR good to see you back and doing well!!

TN thank you for the reply, all points are received and implemented.

Translation: just get over it.

Her saying that recently really has me analyzing it. This is not making excuses for her, but just an observation. She grew up in a very toxic home with serial cheaters. She says they were split up every other weekend and both parents had multiple A’s. They would get back together and rug sweep and be happy until it happened again.

I think she looks at me and wonders “my Dad and Mom healed in a week or so”. But they really didn’t, they rug swept it and were miserable.

Her parents ended up divorced after we had married, but her Dad is so deeply depressed he doesn’t leave his bedroom. Her Mom was depressed and started abusing drugs and alcohol, January this year she took her life.

I believe her parents are living proof of the consequences of rug sweeping, or burying the feelings. My W does not understand the betrayal trauma because she has never been there. We have had many discussions recently and she is starting to see how it worked for her parents. I refuse to bury it and that was the deal we made when we entered R. I’m not letting this destroy me, I’m owning it, feeling it, and processing it.

We are putting this R back on the tracks.

We are putting this R back on the tracks.

What is she doing to put R back on track? It sounds like from this thread, you're doing a lot to put it back on track but it's not clear what she is doing.

She’s getting back in IC for one. Stop the defensiveness and communicate better. She has done everything I’ve asked of her since December 2019, she has been solid on R. It has just been last couple of months on a few occasions her defensiveness has come back and her communication is lacking. I call it out every time. The thing she realizes is my healing is progressing with or without her. She knows I’m not pathetic Dday Tanner. Part of my healing is dealing with the loss of the M. I can’t lose what was already gone.

Aw heck Cuz...I didn't see this thread until today. I see you have had some really GREAT advice on here though. SI people are the BEST !!!

I like the way you had that insight into why your WW may feel you should be over this by now. That sounds plausible . I am happy to see y'all are talking about things like that. Sometimes we don't realize how our experiences can change the way we look at things. This may be a AHA moment for her...even if it takes a while to set in.

I can't even tell you how MANY times my H would say the same thing about me being on SI . I basically told him that I didn't get on SI to get triggered. I got on SI because I WAS triggered!!! We Betrayeds are all unique in our paths after infidelity...but our paths to Dday almost always carry the same GUT feelings. Reading about others who have experienced this special kind of HELL sure helped me in knowing I wasn't alone in that horrible place.

Neither my H nor I stayed on track in regards to R all the time. When one of us derailed R...we had to decide if it was a setback...or a dealbreaker. Sometimes I thought it was BOTH within a matter of minutes!!! Someone had a tagline on here that said something to the effect that R isn't linear...and that was definitely true for our R. But someone else had a tagline that said 3 steps forward and 2 steps back is still progress...and dat be us !!! Small steps in a POSITIVE direction will get positive results !!

Keep posting Coozann...and keep moving forward. I can't promise you that your M will work out...but YOU will heal from this...I GARONTEE !!!

Thanks for responding Cuz. I always value your advice. I think we had such a solid stretch of good R I’m looking for something. I don’t expect perfection but I will never take disrespect again.

We have been under more stress in the past couple of months with our Son’s medical issues and surgery. We had started bickering more than we ever have but really it has tapered off recently.

She also started prepping for a competition in the spring. This adds more stress because she is in the gym 3 hours a day and there is no good food to eat in our house . During a prep I have to take on more duties around the house so I might get a little cranky.

ETA imagine how crazy it looks to join a website and spend 2 years here just to get triggered she will have to get over it, y’all are stuck with me.

[This message edited by Tanner at 9:42 AM, December 2nd (Thursday)]

imagine how crazy it looks to join a website and spend 2 years here just to get triggered she will have to get over it, y’all are stuck with me.

Yep...I would have done ANYTHING to get rid of the triggers...including getting off of here if it would have helped . Oh wait...I DID do something...and now I OWN them little buggers !!!

I am HAPPY you are staying Coozan Tan . I am so looking forward to reading how y'all made even MORE progress to "the other side" . Take your time though Cuz...this is a marathon...not a sprint . Three steps forward and two steps back is still progress!!!