Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
Derailed by random trigger

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 ladyphoenix (original poster member #72766) posted at 2:33 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

I just needed to get this out of my head. I am at work and a coworker made a passing comment about a concert. It’s a pretty big trigger for me and now I am shallow breathing and feel like I have a hole in my chest. It’s been a long time since I have felt like this at work. I have been doing really well handling triggers. This one got me out of the blue.

I am trying really hard to redirect my thoughts and stay in the present. But I keep thinking "is it even worth it if I keep feeling like this?" How do I live the rest of my life with these random land mines going off in my head??

I want a relationship with FWH, I just don’t want these feelings. How can I have one without the other?

I know I will be ok. I just wanted to get this out of my head and you are the only ones who truly understand.

Thankfully FWH handled it quite well. He focused on empathy and caring. Was very supportive and kind. No defensiveness at all. I didn’t lash out and attack him at all. It was a good interaction for us.

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8699778
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:26 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Triggers suck. Triggers out of nowhere suck more. Triggers out of nowhere in a public place - that's a high level of suck.

I'm glad your FWH is handling this well and giving you compassion and empathy. That is huge. And you both had positive communication as a result. That is huge.

Be kind to yourself. Do something extra nice for yourself. You handled it. You handled it well. You came here and let it out. That was smart. You talked to your FWH about it. That was bold. You handled it like a badass.

And...if because it sucks...you want to cry? Do that too - your body needs to purge.

Those happen to me too. Not as often and not as harshly as they used to. But they happen. I have a few grounding exercises to do when they hit [breathing exercising - name 5 things shiny, 4 things blue and so on]. And an emergency Rx if nothing else works. I always up my self care either way. And sometimes just embrace the suck because it takes more energy to run from it and/or pretend it doesn't exist.

I also log them. I keep a spreadsheet of them. Date, Trigger, Notes. Sometimes a pattern emerges. Sometimes not. Most times I feel slightly better that I've noted them and can now dismiss them as I have captured all the details that I can revisit anytime I feel it necessary. That can sometimes quell the instant replay on loop in your mind.

And no matter how good I am doing - sometimes in the darkest hours - I wonder how I can keep doing this and when it will stop. I've learned even if D happened [and the Land of Chaos is doing remarkably well so I don't see that happening] - with WH or without WH - the pain, sorrow and triggers will still be there.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3322   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8699788
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 3:39 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Triggers are the worst! Well done to FWH and you for handling this one so well. It WILL get better. I'm nearly 3 years out and still get them. Trying to focus on the positives and grounding exercises help me A LOT. Hugs to you.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son

posts: 186   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8699791
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 ladyphoenix (original poster member #72766) posted at 11:56 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Chaos, you are so right. The triggers will happen with or without FWH in my life. I keep telling myself that when I just want to protect myself and run away.

Coming here and posting helped a lot. I was able to take a few minutes to myself and purge the feelings. I am not very good at remembering to do the grounding exercises. The overwhelm usually takes over and I have sensory overload. Recording and looking for patterns is a great idea. I faced a different trigger yesterday and handled myself pretty well. I didn't feel compelled to pain shop afterward, so maybe I am further along than I imagine myself to be.

I am going to give myself a manicure tomorrow. Tonight I will go to bed early and get a good night of sleep.

Ladybugmaam, thanks for your words of support. We are also almost 3 years out, coming up to A season. I am dreading the next 3 months, but I know I will survive. I am pretty certain it will be better than the last few years. I am slowly healing.

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8699876
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:00 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

You did WELL grin !!! You felt that trigger...and instead of acting on it...you used tools that helped you to not fully break down. BRAVO!!!

What helped me was learning about the "limbic lag". Our limbic system keeps track of EVERY experience...so it can instinctively "protect" us when a similar bad experience comes along. It doesn't matter how long ago the experience was either. GOOD experiences make our bodies react positively so that we can have more of that experience. BAD experiences make our bodies react negatively so that we can avoid them. We can "retrain" our limbic system...but ONLY through experience. Logic doesn't work on our limbic system.

The experience you had from this trigger turned out to be a POSITIVE one with the way you and your FWH handled it smile . From this...the next trigger about concerts should probably be a little less intense. If you have another positive experience concerning that trigger...it will make the instinctive reaction even less than this one.

I can't say that triggers have ever really gone away for me. But I can say that they are more like a small splinter instead of a huge plank knocking me upside my head duh !! I don't let the splinter stay...I pull that sucker OUT...and go about my business now smile . Yes...I'm going to say it...I OWN TRIGGERS now grin !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5633   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8699948
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 ladyphoenix (original poster member #72766) posted at 12:02 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Want2BHappyAgain, thank you for your reply. I don't remember reading about the limbic lag before so that information is quite helpful.

I am curious, does that mean that when I have a negative experience with a trigger that I am reinforcing the trigger and giving it more power in the future?

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8700054
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