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Am I the Asshole?

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 3yrsout (original poster member #50552) posted at 7:04 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

My sister (47) is obtaining a divorce (married 8 years, two children ages 6 and 8, stbexh age 52) due to her ex verbally abusing her and throwing things and pushing the kids. CPS got involved briefly then closed the case, deeming no actual violence occurred.

She paid for him to move out three months ago. She is now dating someone who is a 180 from her own personal and political views, and within a week of meeting him, met his 15 month old love child. He was on his second marriage (20 years), then met a young AP and impregnated her. My sister has him over to her house, puts the 15 month old baby to sleep while they have adult fun.

Three months after she had her Soon to be ex move out. She has filed but it is not even pending at this point.

I think this is cheating. I hated her ex. He was a bad guy. This guy is pretty awful on paper as well. Very different than everything she has ever said she wanted, and he is an ex cheater with a love child with a woman 30 years his junior.

I called her on all of this. And unfortunately, her soon to be ex husband was watching her texts on her old iPad and came across this crap. So she screwed up her divorce. Ugh. Her ex came across her texts to Mr Wonderful for 3 weeks, not mine.

When I say I called her on it, I pointed out the irrational decisions she is making. I also pointed out some hurtful stuff she was doing. She absolutely lacks insight.

She is giving the usual excuses cheaters give. "I’ve sacrificed everything for everyone else, I just want to be happy and he makes me happy." They have known each other 3 weeks. I told her she should get an arm brace because her arm is gonna get tired with all the times she puts her wrist to her forehead. It’s pure Scarlett OHara.

Wtf.

When is having sex after you separate ok? This concerns me because it feels like cheating to me. And I just don’t want a part in that at all.

Like yuck. Let the sheets cool down. Did you even wash them between dudes?

I know she had trauma from exhole, but three months?!?!? This is weird right? Or am I old fashioned?!?!

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 7:10 PM, Monday, November 22nd]

posts: 549   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8699660
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 7:12 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

You'll get a variety of views regarding whether or not this is cheating. Since they are physically separated and a divorce is in process, some folks will not see a problem with this. Some will, and that's okay as well.

Personally, I think she should be very careful at this point. You don't want to muck up your divorce and you certainly don't want to get entangled into something you might not easily get out of. Plus there are young children involved, which I think is a bigger problem.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32969   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8699662
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 7:21 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

I think it's maybe a risky life choice if she isn't giving herself time to heal, but it isn't cheating. Dating after splitting up/separation unless you agreed to not see other people isn't cheating, IMO. I separated in a very "it's over forever" way and couldn't divorce for a year because I live in one of those states and had sex with someone before the divorce could have gone through and don't feel remotely like I cheated. Had I been able to divorce the same day I left, I would have gladly done so. It was just paperwork at that point. Sadly, breaking up and divorce aren't things that happen simultaneously.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4633   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 7:21 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Firstly, I don’t think you’re an asshole. I suppose legally she is still married and having a sexual relationship with someone who is not her husband. That would technically be considered cheating. However I wouldn’t put her in the same category as most cheaters. It’s not as if they are working on the marriage or still living together. She has in fact filed. It may not be the smartest or most honorable decision, but it doesn’t seem comparable to your average affair.

If I filed for divorce and my husband moved out, I wouldn’t exactly share with him if I started sleeping with someone else. I would like to think I would wait until the divorce was final before doing anything like that, but I’ve never be in that situation, so I can’t say that with 100% certainty.

Sounds like she is trying to fill a void in her. Hope she finds healing.

[This message edited by Underserving at 7:23 PM, Monday, November 22nd]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 735   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8699665
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 3yrsout (original poster member #50552) posted at 7:28 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Yeah, it feels icky for sure. Like she’s wallowing in cheap beer because she wants to self punish.

This was her second marriage. She picks some pretty abusive guys and I have been involved in some of the "saves". I’m tired of being the person to help her find her own spine. I’ve drawn the picture of her spine in crayons. I cannot make it any easier for her to find.

I’m convinced that she has some horrible self esteem and is seeking out these people. Ugh.

I don’t see "healing" coming into play here. I think this is just her. I do tend to put myself in the middle, playing out my own childhood trauma. Our mother was battered by one of her many men and I (at the age of seven) took a few beatings from her to "keep him from hitting me". I know, I know. This is fucked up as hell. But the beatings continue with my sister. She moved to work remotely from her huge city with a high paying job. She moved here to divorce her dude, so we could help with her kids. She has a history of pushing her dude off on me, almost like "3yrs out is making me leave you. Listen to what she says about you."

It’s a drama cycle I’m going to remove myself from.

Ugh.

posts: 549   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8699667
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 7:32 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Cheating is a violation of relationship agreements. If a person is getting divorced, there's no longer a marital relationship to violate. IMO, definitely not cheating.

You might not like the new guy but yes I absolutely think you are slut shaming her for sleeping with someone else on a timeframe you don't like. That's not cool.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 722   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8699669
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 3yrsout (original poster member #50552) posted at 7:37 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

My conversation with her was not about the sex as much as the choices. I told her you can have sex with (insert an example of a disgusting person here), that’s fine. But you’re watching his 15 month old and your kids will find out.

I am grossed out by her verbal descriptions of how she squirted and stuff like that (PS that is urine, we have studies, I’m an OB physician 😂) and I just think that part is unseemly. What I told her was to skank it up as much as she wants. But with this guy?!?! Eww….

I mean, I think both my husband and I would do certain celebrities if given the chance, lol. It just seems frantic and dirty in this context. And she kept it very secret until It came out in a big diatribe about how she met Mr Wonderful for 3 weeks and is watching his love child so now they’re in lurve.

It’s context my original post is missing. I told her to get her groove on, but keep the kids out of it. This should be like Fight Club. And the first rule is……

She states that she won’t tell her kids, but I know her exhole will. And she’s watching this 15 month old while her kids are away with their dad, using the excuse that the 15 month old doesn’t know anything.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 7:40 PM, Monday, November 22nd]

posts: 549   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8699670
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 9:22 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

You're in an unenviable position, that's for sure. Your sister seems to be all over the place. I think all you can do is just try to provide some stability for the kids, a mentor as well as an auntie. Seeing how you live your life can show them the power of choice. In this case, the choice to forego drama and to be present and responsible in your life.

Personally, I'm not bothered by people who choose to date while separated and pending divorce. I would never choose that for myself, but as long as no one is being lied to about what's going on, then whatever. It's hard on kids though to have a revolving door of lovers in and out of their lives and homes.

Here's some fun for you though... when your sister gets around to insisting that you meet her boyfriend, you can watch him squirm while you ask him all about his background. I wouldn't stop until he had admitted his adultery at least. Then you can say, "oh, that's so unfortunate" before turning to someone else and putting him on mute. If you do it just right, he won't ask to come back.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8699685
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 9:25 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Like yuck. Let the sheets cool down. Did you even wash them between dudes?

3yrsout- respectfully, I hear that context is missing for your objections to your sister's behaviour. But this comment is unequivocably slut-shaming.

[This message edited by PSTI at 3:25 PM, November 22nd (Monday)]

[This message edited by PSTI at 9:25 PM, Monday, November 22nd]

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 722   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8699686
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 3yrsout (original poster member #50552) posted at 9:45 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Chamomile- lol, that thought occurred to me. But I know he is (or at least was), and I know who she is. It’s like the whole, "When they keep showing you who they are, why aren’t you listening" thing, right?

Ps- yup, that phrase is slut shaming.

posts: 549   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8699690
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:44 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Is it cheating? No, she waited until she finished her marriage first. The husband is soon to be ex.

is it fast and too soon. Likely, but it is her choice.

She is making stupid decisions. They are hers to make, as long as her kids are safe, happy and uninvolved.

Certainly, It feels like rebellion, and she will wear any consequences.

Hard to watch those you love get lost.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1672   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8699765
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