Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

Just Found Out :
Did I screw them or myself??

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 BLINDLOVE77 (original poster new member #78928) posted at 8:48 AM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

My story is a LONG one! Not sure if it should be in Just found out or General? But here it is... You may need to make a coffee before you start reading!

It all started on May 11th 2020 my WH of 18yrs had excitedly told me he was invited to a party that night by a work colleague.

Now my Hubby is a quiet, shy and reserved kind of guy and I was so happy he was making friends he could actually hang out with, you see I was his "crutch" the outgoing one who always did the talking (he always told me he liked that about me)
We hung out ALOT but it was always with MY friends and their partners so you can see why that made me happy!

Anyway it comes to him leaving to attend the party and he says they've just asked him if he wants to stay the night, he said to me what do you think? I push him to stay the night saves on taxi or me collecting him! (Was like he KNEW I would be ok with him staying! Plus I was taking my mom out for an early Mothers day dinner with our kids)

He heads off, kisses me tells me he loves me and will see me in the morning!
I get ready and go for dinner with my kids and mom.

I arrive home after a nice dinner text hubby hope he's having a good time!
About 30mins later I receive a call from a guy telling me that my husband is having an affair with a co worker who he names and I've heard her name mentioned by hubby previously.
I ask the caller for more info which he then tells me he's with her right now and not at a party with other co workers.

(Now this is where I kick myself for giving the Arse more blind trust than I should have) I WAIT until the next morning when he gets home to confront him about the call, can you guess what I got... "I would NEVER cheat on you" "You're my life, why would I screw that up" "I'll call Vince and get him to tell you I was with them ALL night" then preceded to call Vince, to which I said hang up I believe you shocked

After our chat he told me his night was kinda boring but glad he went but proves that he isn't a "party animal" and felt out of place!
Fast forward 3days I get a facebook message directing me to Vinces facebook which will prove that my hubby wasn't with him or others from work, so I look on Vince's facebook which shows him NOT with my hubby but infact he was tagged with his wife of 2 months enjoying a weekend away!

So I guess I ended up with a DDay #2 now I FLIPPED because when he got home from work he was so defensive after I started asking more questions! After 6hrs of yelling, crying and accusations I kicked him out because my gutt was telling me there was more than he was telling me!

I have no idea why but I went NC 3 days after he left (ok I do know why I'm a stubborn pisces) to which had him reaching out to me within 2 weeks wanting to move back in telling me he missed/loved me that there isn't anyone else that he promises etc!
I let him move back in, but I well and truly took the blinders off! Was "loving" but not "trusting"...

Now he covered his tracks pretty well BUT as I found out I'm a pretty good investigator (missed my calling maybe laugh )

First I went through his facebook, that showed basically nothing except a few tags, likes and shares of things between him a said female coworker (who turns out was 23yrs old at the time and mom to 3 young kids)
Then I found his Instagram... Yep they were on there together too! Nothing to see either.. nothing in messages just a few likes on pics etc.
Then I discovered he was on snapchat, never knew he was on there! My oldest son told me he was and had joined Jan 2020 was when he seen his dads name pop up as "add contact"
Couldn't get on that as his phone was always glued to him with a finger print to access it!!

Phone records showed a few calls and texts to a mobile number I didn't recognize so I put the number on my phone and did a snapchat contact search and it belonged to the female coworker!

Not something I would recommend but I chose to contact her directly. I was nice as pie asked her what her relationship was with my husband to which she said purely friends and she was not a homewrecker!
She told me that their friendship was based on him helping her with her relationship with the father of her kids! I laughed and said funny that he's helping you when his marriage is going down the toilet (Telling the enemy that she is succeeding 🤦‍♀️)

After talking to her and hubbys reaction of not being angry I contacted her but asking "Do you want to meet her, I think you two would get along so well"? barf
I decided to meet her! Watching them interact was so funny within 5mins I knew they were more than "Just friends" he was so nervous and she looked like she was on heat!

From that meeting, I befriended her even went out for drinks with her (I had a plan to screw with them both)

So my plan was set in motion 2 days later!
I sent myself fake facebook messages from a fake profile detailing their affair lol I made up so much crap.
I contacted hubby and asked what was going on acting all confused he then contacted my new bestie (let's call her sparkletitts)
Sparkletitts then called me pleading with me not to believe any of it and someone must be trying to break hubby and I up.
I kept going over a whole month sending myself messages, watching them both scramble was hilarious! But I was still getting messages from a fake profile giving me some details too which I wasn't revealing to either of them.
But sparkletitts on a couple of occasions was asking if I'd received anything else!

I could see all of this was really getting to my hubby, sparkletitts told me that he was stressed at work, snappy at her and she believed he thought it was all coming from her and needed my help to convince him she would never do that to him.
So hey I did what any "loving supportive wife" would do I suggested that maybe sparkletitts was behind all of this because no one else would have a motive... Ahhh yes the lightbulb went off in hubbys head.
Now the next day he confronted her at work and yelled at her on the phone which then caused her to quit on the spot the next day, her telling their boss that work was getting to stressful to handle while juggling the kids.
The next day my hubby got ME to send her a text outlining NC for the both of us saying you work on your relationship and we'll work on ours and we wish you all the best 😳

Now my radar was going off badly at this stage, I still didn't have a smoking gun/ definitive proof of an actual affair just knew they had become super close which set of my spidey senses.

After we'd had NC with sparkletitts for about 1 month everything had become so great between us again I felt like I had my husband back... not the one I said it felt like someone had replaced him with a inferior copy!
I had something pop into my head (I'm still not sure what prompted it, but I'm grateful it did)
The thought of checking our youtube searches came into my head, so I checked I scrolled through HEAPS until I came across a video of a buffet breakfast for a hotel in the city we live in... then it dawned on me to call and pretend you want to rebook a night after staying there.... So I called which now gives me a DDay#3 and said I wanted to Rebook for my husband and I and wanted the same room and gave them the date 11th of May when he was suppose to be with Vince.. I had the wind hit out of me when the concierge said ahh Yes Room 720 so you must be sparkletitts (the idiots put both names on the room booking) took all my strength to thank the concierge and that I'd get back to him.

I sat there in a daze for what seemed like eternity before feeling so sick I ran to the bathroom and brought up what felt like my whole insides!
Hubby was at work so he was my first call, he left work without telling his boss that he was leaving... he was in damage control!

My next contact wasn't sparkletitts but her PARTNER who I'm glad I told he was absolutely lovely NOT the monster she portrayed him to be to both WH and myself.
They broke up about a month later, he told me that she just kept blaming me for "ruining" their relationship and that my WH was to blame for seducing her into the affair he said she showed no remorse and even blamed him at one stage. So he knew she wasn't someone he wanted to be with and is now in another relationship with a lovely girl and has his kids often and has NC with sparkletitts other than handing over of kids etc.

I wish it was all smooth sailing from there for me but it hasn't been!

Sparkletitts came to my house about a month after everything imploded to tell hubby that she loved him barf
He told her to leave and never come back!
She didn't stay away and wanted to get at him by coming back when it was only me home.
When she started spewing all the sordid details (OMG talk about mind movies) I decided to let her know exactly who she was dealing with and told HER everything that I in fact did to HER!
She started crying telling me that I was cruel and that Karma would get me for what I did to her for ruining her life and her kids life too... what a joke! I told her that I hope to god she experiences being cheated on by someone she loves/cherishes and truly TRUSTS that she remembers back to this
exact day and what she said to me!

OH and going back to the phone call made to me right at the beginning it was made by sparkletitts step dad! He was made to do it by the MOTHER of sparkletitts. Nice family hey 😳

WH has been doing everything right from a month after NC with sparkletitts BEFORE I found out it was a PA/EA.
He has No idea what I did in screwing with them and I have NO regrets! (I have left out alot because let's just say some stuff was borderline psycho 😂)

WH has been forthcoming in answering all my questions gave me the timeline of their affair, his actions and words all speak remorse. He is doing IC and has made so much progress in finding out his "Why".. He watched his Dad have affairs and it get swept under the rug by his mum. He put his ego infront of protecting me but we had also let our marriage slip into neglect on both our sides!

But I now look at this man who is still my husband, who does everything for me and bends over backwards to make sure I know he loves me /appreciates me and wants to spend every day making this all upto me... and can't help thinking did I make the right choice in staying?

I in turn have made more effort in making the marriage a priority instead of putting it last on the list but I still have my heart guarded somewhat because I know what he's now capable of... I have so many "What If" moments and "should have done this" moments that have me kicking myself over doing the pick me dance and also did I do the right thing instead of just walking away? I suppose only time will tell.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8699513
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:05 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

I suppose only time will tell.

I know that my response is very, very short, but as to the above? The answer is YES.

After the discoveries; after the searching of the truth; after a cheater gets their head out of their ass(hopefully); after the betrayed partner is willing to try to salvage the relationship.....it then comes down to TIME.

TIME for the wayward to show they are trying to not only learn how they come to this low point, but to make wholesale changes to never act this way again.

TIME for the betrayed to work on their own healing, and make changes that they feel need to be addressed.

TIME for both parties to really decide if they want to go the route of reconciling, or ending the relationship.

TIME to learn from this betrayal, so they are better prepared for future events.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3853   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8699516
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Gentleman1201 ( new member #79567) posted at 2:05 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

I am glad for you that things are working out. I had a similar experience and I know what you were feeling all along the way. I wish I had handled things like you did. Best wishes that things continue to improve.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2021   ·   location: Virginia
id 8699515
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lostindenial ( new member #79420) posted at 2:34 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Jb 3199 said it. It is all about TIME- take the time to heal first so you make a rational choice. Take the time to test if he actually changed or is just sorry as he got caught. Every incident I read, it makes me still surprised that people are capable of it, our loved ones do this to us and sometimes I don’t want to loose that shock value that surprise as it makes me feel like I have some innocence, some wonderment alive despite my husband killing my soul, my love and my trust forever. I have nothing to offer you but hugs and prayers that may things work out. You are an insanely capable and smart woman in how you handled it all. May your wits never leave you. May you always have this surviving spirit in you and good luck

posts: 23   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8699519
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 4:17 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Sparkletitts meets Spartacus :)

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1477   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8699521
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 5:37 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

So, did your WH provide you with a timeline so you have an idea how this affair came about? Also, the AP was 23 with 3 kids. You didn't mention if you had any. Did you go in to get tested for STDS? Even though you and WH are reconciling, you may want to check out the healing library for yourself. It really does sound like you handled this situation like a boss! Good luck at this point and let us know how you're doing!

posts: 293   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8699529
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:33 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Watch actions instead of words. He has to be available to you 24 hrs a day. None of this needing other friends.
She is 23 and has three kids. Did she think she was going to trade her guy for someone with more money? This is so darn stupid of him. It gets old looking at all the messed up relationships because someone flirted and that’s all it took.
Good luck and please keep us informed. I can’t speak for others but I worry about newbies who disappear. We never know what happens to them.
Take good care of yourself.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 3000   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8699562
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 BLINDLOVE77 (original poster new member #78928) posted at 5:48 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

If only we all received a crystal ball to see how our lives would turn out!

I take each day as it comes, I'm planning for the future but nothing is set in concrete.

We have 2 lovely sons who are 23 and 20 who know what's happened due to sparkletitts mother contacting them both on facebook.

Oh YES definitely STD checked with us both (told the nurse to be extra rough when taking the sample, she couldn't stop laughing)
I got the line "we used condoms" but from my digging found out that was a pile of crap!

The timeline I got from hubby was Jan 2020 to June 2020. Started off with messaging on facebook, snapchat sexting, telling him "he was so Gooooood at his job" (ego boost) to him telling her he was stressed at work! The night that set it all in motion was he was sitting in his car eating lunch he said sometime in April (he works shiftwork) She hopped in his car they began talking about their shift, he was stressed etc and she said I know a good stress reliever and undone his pants and gave him a BJ AT WORK.. HE is solely to blame for the position he put himself in!
BJ's at work, sex in our car (while telling me he was doing overtime) they spent a night in the city in a hotel (the night I found out) and while he had moved out and was at a motel he was shacking up there with her on nights she was working on his shift.
Apparently she brought her 3 kids there while visiting she couldn't get a sitter and it didn't go down well 😂😂 Hello consequences, that must have given him a outlook on life with a 23yr old with 3 small kids.
She dropped out of school at 14 had her first kid at 15 and then popped out 2 more.. BUT the kids were all to the same guy.

I do believe that she seen $$$ the night he took her to the hotel he withdrew 1,000 telling me he was lending it to his mum (again trusted him wholeheartedly)
He took her to a nice hotel, out for dinner and drinks.
I told her she was still cheaper than a high class hooker for hire!

I never thought I would be in this position at 44! (WH is 46)
When I first found out I kept thinking why HER? I now know it could have been anyone, she was just eager and willing to give BJ's in a car and have sex with a bloke who is old enough to be her Dad! barf

I have a new lease on life.. I joined a gym something I'd wanted to do lost weight and toned up! I put my name forward for a new position at work and got it 👌 Cut my hair short and got a couple of tattoos (not visable, only for me) I have a seperate account to stash savings in (Just incase) and got WH to sign a postnup, any Infidelity and the house is mine... he walks away with nothing but his car and clothes!
My new job is something WH did not want me doing due to it being a male dominated industry, I sat him down and told him that while he stuffed his morals and integrity into a 23yr olds mouth... I have mine tightly wrapped in a safe and proud that I can say I'm faithful even though I don't owe him that.. I'm doing it for myself!

I have taken advantage of reading everything on this site and have found everything and everyone so helpful!
I'm sticking around for sure, this site is a godsend!

I like that Sparkletitts meets Spartacus 😂 gave me a chuckle!

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8699598
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 12:50 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

I like that Sparkletitts meets Spartacus 😂 gave me a chuckle!


That was the intent smile

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1477   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8699607
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 12:57 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

So did you have him trade in his car? I'd have a tough time riding in it after all that transpired! Glad to hear he's in counselling. Hope you and your boys are weathering the storm. It sounds like you have your life under control. I like hearing that you're doing things to make you happy!

posts: 293   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8699609
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 6:36 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Incredible strength and tenacity!! I'm glad things are working out for you and hope that he continues to give you what you need to keep going strong!

posts: 195   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8699657
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Do you consider yourself to be in R at this point?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1477   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8699694
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Wow. Your takedown with the fake facebook profile was absolutely masterful. Impressive sleuthing with the youtube search too. You should teach a class! Reminds me of the time that I went through my husband's complete google maps history for the past two years and searched every address he looked up.


With respect to the "what ifs" - it's normal. I felt the same way. The beginning stages of R are tough too because there is no way to know whether it's the right choice or not. I'm hoping for your sake, it is. Keep us posted.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

posts: 651   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8699708
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 8:33 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Good for you. I think you handled this well. I wish you the best

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1672   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8699752
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shareonhearts ( member #52869) posted at 3:33 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Your Story resonates with me
The first poster was right on the money.....It really just takes time. I'm 6 years into recovery. Happy, but honestly not the same...which may be a good thing? I too went to the gym, have tried to really better myself. It changed me as a grown woman. I'm 62 and really just don't want the bullshit in my life anymore. I'm happy, healthy and paying much more attention to myself than EVER before. You are a strong crafty, smart lady who took damned matters in her own hands to find her truth. I applaud you. Much Love sent your way and may you find the marriage you've been fighting for

Fool me once shame on me......Fool me twice shame on YOU!

posts: 173   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2016   ·   location: California
id 8699965
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