Newest Member: Seekinghelptoo


Waiting too long to confront has it's own set of problems and being triggered is just one.

My wife's affair lasted from 2000-2005. I knew when she had met the guy online and was just chatting with him. In 2001 I got suspicious and I put a tape recorder on our house phone and I put a KEYLOGGER on our only computer. I soon realized their relationship had grown a lot but it was still an emotional affair. He lives about 3 hours away but on several occasions they discussed meeting behind my back but it never materialized. As I read her emails on her secret email account and listened to the tapes of them talking and phone sex it just ate at my heart. I knew they emailed on OUR account but all of that was very tame compared to the secret account. Whenever I told her she needed to give her relationship with him some space she always said he was an important ear to listen to her. I should have insisted but I wanted her to walk away from him because she lost interest and not because I said so. In 2004 she actually asked me if she could meet with him as he was coming to a conference about 45 miles from our house. She promised it would be a public meeting. I thought that if she met him face to face she may become disenchanted. When she got home from the meeting she said they kissed a couple of times briefly but that was it. I was not sure if I believed her. About 6 months later they arranged a secret meeting about an hour from our house. I went to that meeting intending to confront them both. I saw them walking down a street and then go to the hotel where he was staying but I lost my nerve and never let her know I had seen them or knew about the meeting. In the emails that followed that meeting it seemed they did not have sex. In about 3 months they seemed to mutually decided they should end contact and the secret emails and phone calls stopped. Her last words to him were that she would always have feelings for him.

She has never found out that I have copies of all the sexy secret emails or tapes of their phone calls with phone sex and discussions of plans to secretly meet but never materialized. I did get to hear her tell him every flaw she thinks I have. He seemed to dig for those tidbits and try to use them to tell her how bad I am.
In the last 2 months I have been triggered and while I no longer use the keylogger or the phone tap, I sometimes suspect she has tried to contact him. Odd thing is I guess I have fallen out of love with her and I sort of don't care. If she ask to go spend the weekend with him I would be fine with it. Our sex life has dwindled to the very rare occasion which I tell her is due to ED. I think I just don't want to be physical with her.

Looking back I have wondered what would have happened if I confronted her with the emails and phone tapes. I worried at the time it might bring it to a head and we could divorce with our kids due to graduate high school in 2007. I wanted them to graduate from a intact home. We weren't fighting so the kids had no idea. As time went on it seemed like there was one thing after another to cause me to put this off. Now 16 years since they seemed to break contact I am left still wondering if there was more to their meetings then I knew or if she still has contact sometimes.

For those that are just starting this road, the choice of when or if to confront is difficult and can have long ranging consequences. I am 16 years out and still don't know if I made the right choice for myself. I guess it was the right choice for our kids.

I write this for others so that if you are in a situation with any of these details, just know that while there are good reasons not to confront, it will come back to bite you later. For me I will leave things in limbo as they have been since 2005.

26 comments posted: Friday, November 19th, 2021

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