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Everything is a haze....a vendetta

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 Liob (original poster new member #79605) posted at 10:55 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

December 2019 I had a fwb of 1 year. That month I met someone online and we met hooked up, got on really well and went on days out. He then asked if I had seen anyone in the few weeks we had been going out. I admitted to seeing my fwb once. He made me send a message to my fwb to end it. Which I did but that is when I realised I had very very strong feelings for my fwb. My fwb gave me a ultimatum of him or the new guy. I chose the fwb and ended it with the new guy, but we kept in touch. The new guy about 1 month later admitted that in December he was living with his ex partner (the mother of his children) apparently they had separated but they did sleep together once when he found out about my fwb. Once I was out of the picture they tried again but they were living at different properties. Apparently it lasted 1 week.

March 2020 I agree to meet the "new man" again as he has been pursuing me. We met and we said we will see where it goes. I had my fwb on the side though. He trusted me when I said I had got rid. So for 5 months I saw the fwb behind his back, the new guy even moved closer to be with me. August 2020 was the last time I saw my fwb as I knew I loved the new guy. I put a stop to it. However the new guy found it all out in October 2020. He went mental,hit me but moved in with me because he wanted to try and make it work. Everyday he treated me badly with words. He did hurt me on some occasions. I was remorseful of what I did and tried to make it up to him, allowing access to my phone, having cctv up.

However unbeknown to me the new guy started seeing the mother of his kids again in August 2020. Even whilst living with me he used to travel to see her. He moved out of my house in March 2021. But we carried on with our relationship. It all came to ahead in August 2021 when he revealed he knew what I was upto and started a vendetta against me. He even moved her and his kids up here and lived together without my knowledge. When I found out in August I was somewhat releaved as it meant the verbal and emotional abuse would stop. But it didn't. He harassed me saying he wanted me back but still carrying on in a relationship with her. I have had to take out a non mol order as his harrasment got that bad. 2 weeks ago he moved out of the family home and says he is now split with his ex. He made the wrong choice and chose the wrong person as she was the safe option. He is showing me that he will do everything he can to show me he wants to fix this and get us back together for the future he sees. I get sucked into what he says sometimes but then I remember how he treated me when Apparently he loved me. He told his ex partner about 5 weeks ago that he still loves me. She was happy to be part of his vendetta by sleeping with him behind my back for over a year. She is used to him cheating on her over the last 20 years. Apparently its karma but he now realises what a mess he has caused, I'm his sole mate blah blah. He is having counseling for his behaviour.

Is this just a while toxic set up that will never work out? How do I even move passed what he did? I hate him at times. He seems so certain that he has changed and will never hurt me again. He just didn't know how to get out of the situation even though there was loads of times.

Help, advice, opinions in great need please

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8698963
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 11:10 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Yes, this is a toxic mess that you absolutely need to remove yourself from. Not only is he a user and a cheater, he is an abuser. I would suggest finding an individual counselor. You are worth more than this, and you need to be able to see that for yourself.

Sorry for all that you are experiencing. Wishing you all the best.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 735   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8698966
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director106 ( new member #75263) posted at 11:27 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Undeserving said it far better than I could. That's your answer

posts: 13   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2020
id 8698968
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 11:40 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

I had my fwb on the side though. He trusted me when I said I had got rid. So for 5 months I saw the fwb behind his back

So basically you cheated on him with the fwb, and he cheated on you with his ex. And he hits you. I would say that, yes, this is most definitely a toxic relationship. Both of them. Or all 3 of them, actually (you and fwb, you and him, him and his ex). You need to step away from EVERYONE and get some counseling for yourself so that you can learn to think clearly and make better choices for yourself. You deserve a good life with a safe partner!

posts: 195   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8698970
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 11:44 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

So basically you cheated on him with the fwb, and he cheated on you with his ex. And he hits you. I would say that, yes, this is most definitely a toxic relationship.

Yeah I wasn’t sure what all was happening. Or if he was cheating on his wife with the OP in the beginning? The whole "we live together but are separated" bullshit.

Either way, I still stand by my first post.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 735   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8698974
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:54 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

You are both cheaters. Additionally he is an abuser.
If you're still going to have no problem cheating on people, I'd say you fit together very well.
If you promise not to ruin the life of any decent person, I will advise you to stay away from him.

posts: 563   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8698977
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 12:50 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

He went mental,hit me

This should be enough for you to stop seeing this guy.

Good luck.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8698981
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 2:11 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

You don't say how old you are, but I suspect all or most in this scenario are young.

It's a good takeaway from all of this to end one relationship before beginning another.

It's also a good takeaway from this that you get into IC and figure out why all this toxicity and drama are attractive to you, as well as why you feel deception belongs in an intimate relationship.

The man struck you. That is never, EVER okay. I would end it based on that alone, but with everything else . . . just not good.

Just because you made yourself a shit sandwich doesn't mean you have to eat it. End it with both men, go 100% NC with both of them, get into therapy and come out of this a better, healthier person ready for a real and healthy relationship.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32969   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8699044
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 4:50 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

I agree with others that the relationship you describe, from beginning to end(?), is not healthy. None of the ACTIONS described show love. You should absolutely stay as far away as you can.

I would also agree that you should seek counseling. It sounds like you have some things to learn about yourself and also to grow so that you won't let others mistreat you.

posts: 1556   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8699077
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:42 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

You are in an abusive toxic relationship.

He hit you?!!! You never should be around this person.

Get. Out. Now. Permanently!!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:42 PM, Thursday, November 18th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10890   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8699087
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 10:24 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

I only had one guy hit me, and I ended it there and then. This is pretty much the ONLY rule about dating my mother ever insisted on... "never let a man hit you and get away with it". We may have disagreed about a lot, me and my mom, but never that. You're dealing with a person who has twenty times more testosterone than you and is typically larger and stronger. You have to look out for yourself.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8699135
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 10:58 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

This is your life! It is the only life you will ever have? RUN!

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 3000   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8699142
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 Liob (original poster new member #79605) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Just a update to some points made.

We are both in our early 40s...yes we should know better.

Yes he is mucher stronger and bigger. The slaps weren't the worst part physically but it was sporadically...no excuse though.

I learnt my lesson and never will do what I did ever again. I never cheated before and I was in a loveless marriage for 20 years.

So if I learnt my lesson, why can't he?

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8699150
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:57 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

For reals, this guy is a loser.

Also you might not have cheated in your M but you saw someone behind this guy's back. No evidence here that you grew as a person after exiting your loveless M.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1484   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8699154
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 12:01 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Get away from any man that hits you.

Figure out why you make the choices you make and endeavor to make better choices.

Get away from any man that hits you.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8699155
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Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 2:42 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

The minute his hand came up was the time to get out. Period. This literally sounds like the most toxic relationship I have ever seen and I've seen some doozies.

Get away and get into counseling for yourself. The abuse will only escalate.

BH DDay August 2018 :https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8699249
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 3:57 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

So if I learnt my lesson, why can't he?

Since you're not going to be seeing him ever again, why is this important?

You AREN'T planning to see him any longer, are you? After he struck you? Committed domestic violence?

If you are planning on keeping this dude around, that's a bad plan. In your 40s you should know better.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32969   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8699296
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 Liob (original poster new member #79605) posted at 4:33 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

He wants me back and is trying everything in his power to get me back and show me he has changed. The cheating behind my back for 1 yr and moving her in with him I find more hurtful than what he did physically. He has a way to lure me in. At the moment I’m resisting as I don’t trust him. But he seems determined

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8699337
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 6:42 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

He wants me back and is trying everything in his power to get me back and show me he has changed.

It doesn't matter what he wants. Do you want to back with the person who had shown his true color being abusive both physically and emotionally. The fact that you don't trust him speaks volume.

Good Luck

posts: 172   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8699351
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:48 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

I use a phrase when someone tells me something they want, that they aren't going to get.

"And I want world peace."

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1484   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8699353
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