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Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 1:48 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Owl,
I'm really sorry to see you here, and had a pit in my stomach when you said "ok" to her going to AP's house......but wow, did you ever wake up.


As others have said, you'd better be REALLY prepared for D if you're going to drop the idea on her. There is a strong possibility that it will be a wakeup call for her. In this case I'm not 100% sure because she was literally telling you she was going to his place and didn't seem to care if you knew. If she still has any contact or is going to his place, just know that it isn't as a friend and she isn't going there to help him paint the place. She's going there for sex. Nothing else.

See an attorney and know your rights. Get your financials in order in case you have to see D through to the end or if you decide to separate. You don't want to be financing her jaunts with AP.

Take anything she says with a grain of salt. She may be telling you "the truth" but she is likely omitting details or giving you just enough to think you know everything. You don't. Period.


Keep posting, and take care of yourself. Most of all, TRUST YOURSELF. If you think something's not right, then it probably isn't.

BH DDay August 2018 :https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 481   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8699040
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 MeltingOwl (original poster new member #79594) posted at 12:40 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

I guess it would be a good time for an update. What a mess

After the first conditions list, I immediately downloaded her phone data, but it didn't recover the deleted texts. It was still a useful resource for figuring out timeline of the affair as she was not much for covering her tracks. Did some keyword searches, followed things back, and... although the stuff with the OM had a start point, before that it was just a long series of small indiscretions as far back as the texts went. Some things I was aware of, others not.

It all just suddenly clicked into place. A decade of small arguments, kisses and flirting at parties. No real emotional cheating, just like getting carried away in the mood sort of things. It caused friction in our relationship, because she never asked, checked in with me. I didn't really get jealous, just hurt and insecure about our own relationship and we moved on.

We talked about it, and I pushed her to be more honest. She finally confessed she had sex with OM, and everything I could think of. She also volunteered info, more than I asked. Talked about her brother, who got into one disastrous relationship after another until he became poly. Talked about what that would mean for us, if we choose to work on our marriage. It doesn't really matter at this point, as the more I considered it, the more I realized it doesn't change anything about the infidelity.

I wasn't happy that the conditions I provided her were so emotionally charged. I revised them, included my emotional boundaries and let her know I was done convincing her to do any of them. If she's in and committed, show me by completing the list and honoring the conditions. One thing (at least at face value) she's now fully onboard with is that the affair needs to end before she can make any sane decisions about our marriage. I believe she's writing the letter of no contact tonight.

I consulted a divorce attorney on friday and talked about the process. It will likely just be a joint/desk divorce unless she does something stupid in the future. I have my appt set for my IC, and spent the weekend with my parents which was really healing. Have my STD Screen completed and waiting on results. She still wanted to see the MC, and we did today. You guys were right, seems like a waste of time. It feels pointless to discuss the future of a relationship and it's current failures when you're not even convinced the affair is over.

I am preparing to move on. It's hard. I want to take her with me. I still find myself trying to convince her when we talk. I've had a decade of practice and it's a hard habit to break. Doing 180 stuff has been really good for me. Getting appointments sorted out for my health that I have been postponing for years, exercising and thinking about my future. I ordered two of the books suggested, should arrive on wednesday.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2021
id 8699720
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 1:56 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

If she sends a NC letter, make sure you see it. So something through email/text would be best. Unfortunately we have seen WSes say they sent a NC letter and not actually do it in the past. If she's still caught up in the A, she may back out of it at the last minute.

I think you're doing well in putting yourself first and moving on. If she pulls out a miracle and turns this around for R, great but you don't need to wait around to find out while she continues to walk down the wrong path. Absolutely do not, from this point forward, change your conditions of R again. She needs to either do them all as you've asked or she's going to fight you through R to get away with the bare minimum you will allow. She needs to either be 110% committed or to get out.

posts: 5072   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8699723
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 2:18 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

I wasn't happy that the conditions I provided her were so emotionally charged. I revised them, included my emotional boundaries and let her know I was done convincing her to do any of them. If she's in and committed, show me by completing the list and honoring the conditions.

I just wanted to mention to you Owl that no matter what you've said regarding R, you are allowed to change your mind. It sounds to me like you offered terms before you had all the info, and then updated your terms without giving yourself TIME to absorb the new information. In fact, I believe if I were you I'd walk it back to "I'm not making any promises", but even if you don't have that discussion... you can STILL change your mind later if you want to.

It's weird, but most of us don't react to infidelity the way we thought we would. It's so shocking and the threat of loss feels so big and so immediate. That knee jerk reaction to return to the status quo can have us playing a game of "Let's Make a Deal" like we're Monty Hall or something. And believe me, you don't want to "win" the serial-cheater-narcissist-riding-a-burro behind Door #3, right? It's best to TAKE YOUR TIME. There's no way to know how you're going to feel about everything that's happened six months down the road. And it takes a good long while to ascertain whether the WS is actually willing to do the very hard work of repairing her broken character this early on. In many ways, the WS must EARN their way back into the marriage. She's still throwing you stories about polyamory. You can file that under "not getting it yet". shocked

We're all here because we KNOW what you're going through. And we all made it. Some in R, some in D. You will too. Whether it's together or separate though remains to be seen. It's okay to take your time deciding what you want. And if you've made promises too early, it's okay to walk them back. Remember, no one is prepared beforehand on how they're going to handle a cheating spouse. It's going to feel messy and counterintuitive at times. You're doing okay though. You really are.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 2:23 AM, Tuesday, November 23rd]

posts: 4680   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8699727
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 MeltingOwl (original poster new member #79594) posted at 4:32 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

She's writing a physical letter that I will read and drive her to his place to deliver it (to his door, not him directly).

I am content with my conditions, especially that I added my relationship boundaries. Sorting them out to be firm enough to write down clarified a lot for me in terms of what I expect and will tolerate in my future relationships.

I am struggling somewhat with how long this process will be, either towards R or D. It's emotionally difficult to interact with my WS and hold my position while she is still so uncertain about everything.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2021
id 8699807
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 4:38 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

She's writing a physical letter that I will read and drive her to his place to deliver it (to his door, not him directly).

Is there no postal service in your area? How long is the letter? No contact can be established firmly with 2 or 3 lines.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8699809
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BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Talked about her brother, who got into one disastrous relationship after another until he became poly. Talked about what that would mean for us, if we choose to work on our marriage.

Owl.

So you have confrontation with her and after she admits to what she has been up to this is her first thought??? So she takes a trial run at you to let her keep her boyfriend while you work on your marriage. If that is the case you are in more of a mess than you can imagine.

So she writes this letter, UNDER DURESS, and what effect is that actually going to have???? And then youre supposed to just believe they will stay no contact??? So far she is not volunteering anything on her own.

You have time for R or D but you do not have time to fifure out how you are going to verify what she is telling you and agreeing to only after the divorce statement is staring her in the face.

If there was ever a candidate for a polygraph situation yours is it. She has shown no signs of doing anything but saving her ass for the time being. And again, her first statement was to imply polyamory was in her head. What does her brother have to do with anything if that is not what she was thinking.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 484   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8699815
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Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 2:30 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

She brought up her brother's poly lifestyle as a prelude to repairing your marriage? Owl, this has nowhere to go but down. You caught her having an A and instead of starting with "I was wrong , what can I do to repair this and help you heal" she brings up cake eating.

There are some here who believe that poly/open marriages work. I am not one of them. I am of the belief that once someone else enters the marriage, it is over as a marriage and it basically becomes roomies who share bills, sometimes raise kids and sometimes have sex while one of them goes out and sleeps around. She tried to lay the groundwork for that.

Make sure you continue to follow up with your IC and get your head in the right place. You deserve better than that.

BH DDay August 2018 :https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 481   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8699955
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 4:08 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

It's emotionally difficult to interact with my WS and hold my position while she is still so uncertain about everything.

What do you mean with "she is still so uncertain about everything"? She doesn't get to decide how to proceed with your marriage, YOU do. If she's not sure she wants to end the affair then she needs to be out of the house, like pronto. This leads to the pick-me dance which you know you will not tolerate. If she's uncertain about whether or not to save the marriage, don't waste your time trying to convince her.

posts: 197   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8699969
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