Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
So Lost

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 MeltingOwl (original poster new member #79594) posted at 1:26 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

My beautiful wife of 5 years is having an affair. At least 4 months. Knew the guy. Had a gut feeling about it after the first night at a party they spent time together. We had a talk about it and was reassured. Chose to believe her, to trust her.

I never had the chance to really spend time with him; they had gotten close and I wanted to get to know her new friend better. We had a small party just the three of us, told each other our life stories. I told him I was glad she had found a person to be such a great friend. That their closeness because I trusted her. Trusted him.
They lied to my face. Agreed with me. Later in the night I wanted to give him a hug. They looked at each other, and my heart sunk; I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

Took her phone while she was sleeping two days later, the 12th. She had deleted her texts with him before the 2nd, but since then there were over 1600 texts. And it was all there, the sexting, the playfulness, the intimacy, the consideration of him that was missing from our relationship. Downloaded the texts. Confronted her the next day and gave her my ring, told her to make a decision, if she wants to work on the relationship. We talked, I felt desperate. She described how good she makes him feel, like it was my fault every time she wanted to have a good time she went to see him and be flattered and complimented to the moon and back. She left me then, to see him, let him know they had been caught red-handed, to say goodbye, I thought.
We talked again the next day, how do we fix our marriage? Two days ago, I didn't know it was so broken. How did I lose you? I asked for details of everything seen in the texts. Worked backwards placing visits and dates. I believe I got the truth from her, mostly because she didn't seem remorseful. We talked about the way he made her feel that I didn't. She felt seen and heard with him. He was more attentive, comfortable and fun than me. Lets see a marriage counselor and improve our communication and get where they are but with us instead! I asked to see her phone. No texts from him, she had deleted the conversation.
I asked her to stop seeing him. Cut off contact while we worked on us. She didn't want to lose him as a friend, said she was going to pull back from the physical/sexual aspect. I could not convince her, and did not want to push. We booked the counselor, will see her on the 22nd. She left for work, and I spent the rest of the day trying to distract myself, reading the texts again and matching where I had been at those times. I had sent her texts to cheer her up, because I mostly saw her when she was down. She'd sent them to him as her own. I did some research on the internet, what should I do? What is next for me? And I am so glad I found this site. I read the primer, the healing library. Helped me get back on me feet a little. Remind me of the respect I should have for myself.
The next morning. I asked to look at her phone, she was hesitant again. They had been texting, innocent stuff. He said he was uncomfortable with me reading things he texted her in private! I am also uncomfortable about some of the things you have been doing with my wife in private! I asked her again to cut off contact with him. Asked her how she would rebuild trust or even healthy communication if she continues the same pattern of behavior as before? If any time it gets difficult, she can go see him? Asked her at least chill it out until we see the marriage counselor. I got a vaguely affirmative answer. The last two days I have been trying to work on and improve on the things she says we are missing, and it's being reciprocated. Starting to feel hopeful.
Got home from work today. Brief conversation about our days, I make her laugh. I like making her laugh. It's hard to keep the conversation going. In the silence, she tells me she's planning on visiting him for a few hours. She's going. I didn't know my voice could get so quiet when I said ok. She knows how much this hurts me. Why is this so important to her? How can this man be so big in her heart in only 4 months?
I feel torn apart. I thought when I caught her it would be over. Choose to rebuild the marriage or disassemble the life we made together and start anew. I thought when I gave her the choice along with my ring, she was deciding. Instead now it feels like she just took the actual choice from me instead. I don't know what to do
There has been so much crying
6 days until the marriage counselor appointment feels like an eternity.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2021
id 8698801
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 1:33 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

MO,

The OM and your WW are disrespecting you horribly, find out ever social contact and family member the OM has and expose to all of them. All at once and without warning or threats, do not tell your WW.

Gather your evidence and get busy.

Then divorce her if you don't have kids.

posts: 1073   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8698803
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 1:42 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

OP, welcome. HELP IS ON THE WAY.

First things first--you are doing the worst thing possible--The PickMe Dance. Yes you are in an awful lot of pain and action is comforting, but please, STOP THAT. It is the worst thing that you can do. And moreover you will lose self-respect. Besides looking weak in your WW's eyes that is.

You had the much better idea when you went to give her your ring.

Your WW, to justify her affair, can and will find a million things wrong with you and the marriage. You're only human, and even if you were Mr Perfect you'd be bashed for not showing her any flaws and making her feel inferior. The truth is that your WW's cheating is all on HER.

The only thing you can do is to tell her that you will not tolerate your wife having a boyfriend and that you have too much self-respect to stay and that you are out of here. And then expose. Ironically this will give your M the best chance possible of surviving.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:50 AM, Wednesday, November 17th]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8698805
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:43 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Sorry you are here but you will receive good support.

Don’t do the pick me dance. It never works and it makes you look weak in your WW’s eyes. You can’t nice her back. You can’t control her.

Read in the healing library. Read and implement the 180. This is to give you space to get your bearings. Get tested for STDs. See an attorney to learn your rights. Take care of you.

Get into IC if you can.

Accept no blame for her cheating. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to, and she does not have the honesty and integrity you thought she had. If your WW was unhappy in your M she had legitimate options to address her issues. Expose her A to her APs partner if he has one. She deserves the truth.

Stand strong and always value yourself. You are the prize. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:37 PM, November 16th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by fareast at 1:44 AM, Wednesday, November 17th]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2854   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8698806
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Truthaboveall ( new member #74680) posted at 1:47 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

After she leaves put her things in a trash bag, go to where she is meeting him, knock on the door with her things, and tell him he can have her snd for her to not come back. Take your dignity back. Geez buddy, don’t put up with this shit. File on her immediately and do not have any contact except through your lawyer. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and backbone up. You are being weak and she definitely has no respect for you or your marriage and the other pos doesn’t either. You have 2 choices, choose wisely. The disrespect you are accepting is mind boggling.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2020   ·   location: Mississippi
id 8698808
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 1:47 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Man, this is so painful to read. I get your devotion and worship of her. Been there. However, and I say this without intention of disrespecting you. In her eyes he's the exciting one, and you are pathetically needy pandering to her even in the form of making her laugh fully knowing that she's intimate with him. Your current behavior is comprehensively worthy of her contempt.

The only way to battle exciting is with bold unrelenting strength. Listen to survrus. Be mercenary and cold in your response. She may see something worthy of admiration, or... not. Either way, you find out about the true her while reclaiming your dignity. This is paramount.

I'll stop here because I've seen this time and again. A man believing that impassioned professions of love will win her back because he believes that's what she will value. Doesn't work because she wants something attractive. And all the words written here won't move your needle in the beginning.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8698809
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 1:56 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Wait, my advice was wrong on one count. OP, the level of disrespect from your WW is just off-the-charts too far gone here. Please, file for D. You can take the choice back to get yourself out of this situation.

We are all pulling for you, and truth be told, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one angry FOR you. Please stick w us.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:01 AM, Wednesday, November 17th]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8698813
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 2:11 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one angry FOR you.

Not by a long shot.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8698817
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 MeltingOwl (original poster new member #79594) posted at 2:33 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Hi Guys

Thank you. Thank you so much. I read your comments and I got angry. Told her to come home now or I would come over there and the whole neighborhood would have a nice chat with me.
She came home. I stood up for myself. I spoke loudly, I told her all the things I held back before for fear of losing her. It was not a discussion. It wasn't until I was speaking at her that it really hit home how callous selfish and disrepectful she was to me and everything we built. I laid it all out.
I am worth more than that, not just as her husband, but just as a human being. I told her if I caught one whiff of her contacting him again, even tonight, I would not just be telling everyone in our friend group, but will also walk into their workplaces and let everyone there know exactly what kind of people they are. Its a small town. I kicked her out.

This is the first time in 4 days I am not sick with fear and pain
Crying again though

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2021
id 8698820
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 2:51 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

MeltingOwl,

I'm so, so sorry you had to find this site. But you are welcome here. People who have been through similar situations are already weighing in and want what's best for you.

With that said, remember that YOU determine what's best for you--not your wife and not internet (or even IRL) friends who feel your pain.

Please understand that people are trying to give you their best advice, but you chose what to accept, what to think about, what to reject, and what to act upon. And that's okay.

Here is my 2 cents:
Many will weigh in urging you to take quick, decisive action.
You are still clearly reeling from the shock and horror--not only of your discoveries but of your wife's actions since your discovery and confrontation.

If you are shocked and hurt at her reaction and behavior (before and since your Dday), you're not wrong. It IS shocking and painful. The fact that she continues this inappropriate and hurtful relationship is beyond words.

If you are wondering how she could been in so deep so fast with this guy, it's the tremendous pull of feel-great brain chemistry from a new romance. Powerful stuff...and mostly fantasy.

You're the real dude who she shares real-life burdens and problems with. New dude doesn't carry this baggage.

Why doesn't she see the fact the the new and shiny will wear off ALL relationships? Why doesn't she get that all longterm relationships settle into reality and only get the new, exciting chemical dump once in while? Because she's super immature and incredibly self centered.

Being self centered is a prerequisite to cheating IMO. Self-centeredness is REQUIRED to make betrayal happen.

So, what are your next steps?

Some have said file for divorce.
Some have said boot her out too.
Some have said do a 180 and be ice cold. Grey rock.
Almost everyone here agrees that the "pick me" dance isn't working and won't work for you.

I say do what you need to do to heal YOU.

You cannot control her actions. You've seen that. You're living that, without question.

You can only control your actions. So, do what protects you from further harm and heals you.

Most here will urge you to avoid marriage counseling and opt for individual counseling instead. You need to heal and protect yourself. And, if she is willing to do counseling, she has a LOT of work to do on herself. She isn't acting like a good candidate for marriage counseling or for any kind of reconciliation at all at this point. She would need to truly go no contact with the affair partner, show true remorse, take action to work in herself, and be transparent in her actions, whereabouts, and communication in order to earn a chance at reconciliation with you. You're not seeing any of those actions. You're seeing the opposite.

You didn't deserve this. You don't deserve this. Believe that.

Care for yourself.

Give yourself some time and space to begin healing and to make decisions.

Again, just my 2 cents.

Sending support your way, Owl!!

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

posts: 79   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8698823
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 2:55 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Ps. MeltingOwl,

I was typing my post as you were typing your update.

Congratulations on taking action that took back your power and self respect! Glad you are feeling good about it!! (As good as one can when dealt this hand.)

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

posts: 79   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8698824
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 2:56 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

I'm angry for you as well.

You're going to get a lot of different advise here and some of it is going to sounds harsh. The one thing you need to understand is that the people here are trying to help you get out of infidelity and get back your self respect.

The main thing to take from all of this is that your wife does not get to have a boyfriend while you two are married. Make it clear that any contact with the POSOM during this time is unacceptable. If you make any boundaries, you have to make sure you follow through with the stated consequences.

Make it clear to the POSOM that he is unwelcome.

Be prepared to be love bombed and gaslit over the next few days/weeks/months.

Be prepared to have them take it further underground with burner phones or work emails.

Out of all of this, you MUST be prepared to blow up your marriage.

Do not offer R. R is something that she earns, not something that you suggest. She better be ready to move mountains to remain married to you.

Expose the relationship to friends and family. Do it without her knowing. Do not let her spin this where you are the bad guy.

This is NOT your fault.

It's okay to be sad and hurt, and damn, if you weren't, there'd be something wrong with you. BUT you must be stoic when dealing with her face to face.

Good luck.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8698825
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 3:07 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

It is often said here that you have to risk losing the M in order to have any chance to save it. It is good that you confronted her and valued yourself. Understand that you have undergone a huge trauma. Your emotions will go up and down at a whim. From tears to laughter. Get support. Watch her actions. Implement the 180. Make no rash decisions until your emotions settle. Treat this as the trauma it is. Eat healthy and exercise. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:50 PM, November 16th (Tuesday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2854   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8698826
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jujuchrist ( new member #78594) posted at 3:19 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Cancel the meeting with the councelor. It is useless for the moment, and she does not deserve it. You should not go meet a councelor while you are 3 in the marriage.
Let her do the job first for a couple of months. Then you will decide if you should meet a councelor or D.
And if she does not do the job, file now. That's your best bet to keep her, you have to be ready to lose her.

Julien

posts: 43   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8698828
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WishidleftHer ( new member #78703) posted at 3:49 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

I'm so sorry you had to find this site. Nobody wants to be here.

You said that you kicked her out. Any idea where she went? If it was to the AP at least you'll know where you stand. Maybe she'll wise up and realize what she's about to loose.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8698832
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Smillie ( member #51537) posted at 4:04 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

The main thing is to get out of infidelity, either with her or without her.

posts: 473   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2016   ·   location: Scotland
id 8698835
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 MeltingOwl (original poster new member #79594) posted at 4:09 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Thank you all for your advice, I am giving it all careful consideration. Likely as someone who was willing to put up with this level of disrespect in the first place, I just kicked her out of the bedroom. Sorry if this disappoints some, as i'm sure you have gone this road before and I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

I am currently reading the healing library again with fresh eyes. Figuring out my boundaries and their consequences. What she has done to me has changed the way I see her. I will not be hurt or disrespected like this ever again.

I am going to be sleeping on this before I make further decisions or rash words. But they will be choices with my own best interests in mind.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2021
id 8698837
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:09 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Please see an attorney. You need to know your rights.

making it through

posts: 1279   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8698838
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 4:13 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

I just kicked her out of the bedroom.

Good. That's the best option at this point.

I will not be hurt or disrespected like this ever again.

I am going to be sleeping on this before I make further decisions or rash words. But they will be choices with my own best interests in mind.

Perfect. This is as good of a start to a shitty situation as you can have. Stay strong.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8698839
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 4:19 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Owl

So far you are doing the right things. You will be on a emotional roller coaster in the coming days. So look after your health.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8698841
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