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Off Topic :
12 yr old boy

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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 9:45 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

I know NOTHING about boys. Have all sisters.

Is 12 1/2 normal to stop going outside to play? My DD was about 11.

There are younger kids on our street (10-11) but they have been for the most part in doors this fall.

I get anxiety about my kid playing outside bc of our neighbors who have been crappy to him (daughter said he was bullying her, parents said they didnt see it but she wouldnt lie, i started staying outside and watching and she did lie. Parents are neglectful and like to blame others for their kids issues)

I just dont want to NOT encourage play outside bc of the neighbors. My son says he wants to play video games. Hes in 7th grade. He also goes to a different school than the rest of the neighbors (private school).

I jusy have such immense anxiety and guilt over every parenting decision. I feel like a failure at every turn.

DD is 16 and was in every club at that age, tons of friends etc. DS doesnt want to do scouts, sports, etc. His teachers say he is very well liked at school. They email pictures home (its a day and boarding school and some of his friends are boarders). He’s always with the group and they have a club house etc etc…

But his school is 30 min away. Some friends board. Some live close to an hour from us (30 min the other way). So he doesnt usually get together with his friends outside of school.

He is at school 7:30 am- 5 pm most days.

Is telling him go out and play like telling ME, hey, you just came home from 9-10 hours at work, but go ride your bike now?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:47 PM, Friday, November 12th]

posts: 3638   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8698219
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:30 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

All kids are different. If he really wanted to be outside he would. He’s at the video game age. It’s normal.

As long as he has friends snd doesn’t appear sad or unhappy — he gets to choose his activities.

My kids were not in school clubs or activities. Wasn’t their thing. They have a few close friends and that is what they choose.

It all works out in the end. Trust me

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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id 8698237
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 11:52 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

My ds is 11 and at the video game, minecraft stage thing. Drives me batty. He still does stuff outside but just not as often. The kids are usually outside most evenings after school but lately with it getting dark sooner chose to stay inside.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22354   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8698248
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Lionne ( member #25560) posted at 12:37 PM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

I had one introvert and one social butterfly. The quiet one spent a lot of time alone, inside, reading or doing projects. Video games would definitely have been an issue if they were as widespread. I chose to limit screen time when computers came into our lives.
Make sure he has a few friends, maybe one good friend. That's enough to insure he'll be able to bounce ideas off someone, learn to interact effectively, learn to compromise with a peer
Maybe make "outside" a family event, 39 minutes before/after dinner? Those nightly walks were very useful in opening communication lines with my kids as they grew.

Me-BS-65 in May<BR />HIM-SAFWH-68<BR />I just wanted a normal life.<BR />Normal trauma would have been appreciated.

posts: 8432   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: In my head
id 8698288
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 3:40 PM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

I like the thought of nightly walks!

He has a best friend and a second best friend at school. Its just not "normal" since one is a boarder so my kid cant just go hang out at his house, and the other, I dont know here he lives.

His teachers all say he has a lot of friends. Hes gotten a few demerits for horseplay with other boys. He comes home regularly with ripped knees and grass stains on his pants from playing with the boys. He really likes school and s

I guess Im putting too much stock into having friends over to our house?

I asked if he wanted to invited someone over and he said no way! Little brother is annoying and always wrecks the house, etc…

He does want to take a sport outside school with his friend. Maybe i should email that mom about that

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:53 PM, Saturday, November 13th]

posts: 3638   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8698299
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 4:07 PM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

I guess I am partially worried bc he isnt the social butterfly my oldest is and also, I dont want my anxiety over the neighbors to cloud my judgement and have him stay inside bc of them.

However, they started making problems in Spring 2019 …. So for 2 1/2 years hes been playing with the kids outside.. just with me nervously looking out the windows or our Ring the whole time smile So if he really wanted to be outside, i think he would go.

I just have a lot of anxiety and worry about this way too much

posts: 3638   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8698304
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:08 PM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

Brainstorming....

Maybe he's an introvert. Maybe he's picked up your discomfort. Maybe the neighborhood kids gang up on him, perhaps because he goes to the private school - and there are scads of other possible reasons.

Can you talk to him about this? Sure, boys are different from girls at that age, but they/we are people first. Also, I don't know what to ask him that would get him to open up - I sure wouldn't have talke to my mom then.

Covid-19 has hit kids very hard. My 12 year old GS has been afraid of catching long Covid. That could be affecting your son, as could false accusations of abuse.

Do you believe his school? If so - and it looks like you've got some evidence - relax.

Can you drive him to his school to play with the boarder - or is the boarder wrapped up in other boarders? What about inviting the boarder to your home for dinner? He might appreciate being with a family.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8698314
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 11:25 PM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

My nephew was the same. He horsed around at school but indoors at home. Both he and my daughter went to private school. My nephew made incredible bonds with his schoolmates at 30 he is hanging with the same group. Oddly endings ugh my daughter was in after school care at 7 years younger she hangs with his friends as well.

They both are more introverted.

BS Fwh

posts: 3072   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8698338
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:07 PM on Sunday, November 14th, 2021

My son's 11 and an anxious child and fears rejection deeply. This coupled with his Aspbergers and his class mates' preference for sports, has made him feel the odd man out and "weird" and a "nerd." The Aspbergers means he struggles with coordination and social cues, which makes it doubly difficult to get involved with contact sports. He too has buried himself in video games to cope.

Recently though, my husband ran the robotics club at his school and he found his tribe. His new phrase is "geek tribe." He wears the badge proudly. I've discussed with him the negative connotations around geek, but he is proud of his identity now. His friends are pretty tight- mostly the goofy sweet kids that are very sensitive.

Is there a way to find a robotics team in your area, or something similar? This could be a great way for your son to find his tribe and reach out. Our public schools have a robotics team and if our parish school didn't offer it, I would be enrolling him in it. If you belong to a parish with a school, (not sure you're Catholic? But other denominations have schools or parish enrichment activities), you could join their team too. CYO sports are open to any parish member. Public school teams have to accept any kid that is in their district boundary too, at least in MI. I have a few people I know of whose kid goes to Catholic school but plays on the public school team.

Hoping your son finds his tribe. Mine did, and while he's a LOT happier, he's still addicted to his games.

posts: 205   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8698379
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:18 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

At 11 when he gets home what does he do?
Does he get on line or Xbox? That is a social activity believe it or not.
Does he go to his room and close the door, and get winey when you make him come out and be part of the family?
My boy had figured certain things out about himself around that age, meaning he enjoyed his own company.... if you get what I mean. He not only enjoyed time alone, he also enjoyed time playing video games alone back then there wasn't the level of on line gaming.

It's a tough age, to big to be a little kid and outside playing fort or whatever with younger neighborhood kids, and to young to be vounteering, to drive to participate in an activities that young men like to do together.

Keep your door open, let him know you are always willing to talk about any issues, and that you love him. That's all you really need to do.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19024   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8698504
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:22 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Hi TN,

My son occasionally will come home in a foul mood, go to his room and mope or take his frustrations out on me during our HW sessions.

Usually though, he listens to his favorite true crime podcasts while playing legos. He likes hanging out with his little sis and the two of them often have good discussions about his video games, her love of dragons and other stuff. It's a joy to watch them hang together. They get on each others' nerves like all siblings do, but they're able to chill out, apologize and get on with it.

He does use the XBox as a form of socialization. His cousins and buddies will be on with him doing fortnite or rocket league and he has a headset he uses to chat with them.

At the end of the day, it's about building healthy habits, teaching them to use the screens in a healthy manner and really, breaking their addiction. Sigh.

posts: 205   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8698527
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Myname ( member #23138) posted at 3:35 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

I'm a 45 year old man and I still go outside to play. I play in dirt, dig holes, ride around on a power wheels across peoples lawns, stuff like that.

I own a landscaping company, but in reality I'm just playing outside.

I'll excuse myself from the grown up conversation now.

DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 45
12-08-10: S
Divorced and moved on with my life.

posts: 4036   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Inside your computer.
id 8698530
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