Newest Member: Armyman9196

Reconciliation :
Is it just me? ... probably not

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 Jaybee2020 (original poster member #75201) posted at 7:29 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Whats up SI,
I keep slacking on updating my story on my profile (due to new layout) but in a nutshell my WW had a PA with a CoW for 3months. Details in my other posts.

I am currently working on R. Some days are easier than others. Through MC and IC I've come to learn that we both need to put in 'work' to make this relationship work. At this point I feel like I got a good handle on my situation but I find that my... let's call it 'male ego' continually holds me back. Its like a shoulder devil that reminds me that I'm not enough or a second/safe choice. Idk what to do to conquer these feelings. Not sure if it's gonna be time or what some other method.

Any BSs feel this way? I'm sure I've asked this before tbh, its a thought that lingers in mind alot lately. Probably bc our wedding anniversary is next week

BH:29
WW:27
On Dday
D-DAY: APRIL 15, 2020

posts: 78   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2020
id 8692975
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:01 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

'male ego' continually holds me back.

Holds you back from what?

What ego boost would you need to feel you are the first choice or worthy of the first choice?

I, for one, am a catch. If we get divorced, there is essentially zero chance she could find someone as good as me.

Google "female delusion calculator".

I'm sure it would make sense to have one for men too, we can be delusional. Just throw some of your stats in there and see how you feel...

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8693018
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 10:33 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

It’s weird, I didn’t even know specific ‘male ego’ was a thing until discovery day.

I mean, of course I know about ego overall, and I thought mine was bullet proof against infidelity. Pre-infidelity, the world to me was — if someone cheats, you dust off, move the fuck on and hang out with someone else.

I had no idea.

There was a saying that’s been around a long time, but it really it hard after discovery:

Comparison is the death of joy.

It sure is.

During the A, our WS may have their collective heads in the clouds (or worse) and it’s THEIR EGO that needs the bullshit validation from someone else.

That’s great and may almost always be true, but it doesn’t make me FEEL better.

Being invisible during the A, being replaced, that’s as personal as it gets.

Is it time that heals those voices in your head?

Time helps.

We do eventually figure out we were the better man. We held our vows, we protected our family with the information we had.

Being the better, more honorable man doesn’t exactly equate to instant healing.

For me, I had to do what USMC boot camp did for me a million years ago.

They broke me down completely, in a different way than infidelity, but it’s kind of similar — and then they build recruits back up.

By the time I got out of boot camp, I knew there was no obstacle I couldn’t conquer. Ever.

Infidelity was the test I wasn’t looking for, but damn.

So, I had to build myself back up. I worked out, I focused on my health and welfare. I did things I am good at, I did things I loved.

And eventually, I realized there wasn’t anything I could do to stop my wife from cheating. There isn’t now.

But I know my value.

I’m fucking awesome.

I am the same badass I always was. Hell, I’m even stronger now after surviving this shit show.

My wife’s shitty choices DO NOT REFLECT on me in any way.

When you rebuild your value, and you know you will be fine, solo and dating again, married or in a cave away from humanity — those voices go away.

You were always enough, it was your WS who wasn’t enough to herself.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:36 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4195   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8693027
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 Jaybee2020 (original poster member #75201) posted at 11:24 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

This0is0Fine i haven't heard about that but I will look it up asap.

oldwounds -dayum man... I felt some chest hair sprout from your reply.

I appreciate what you guys said. Its good to hear from others whom been there and can relate. Most advise I get in RL is from people who never been here.
The type to say, 'I would wrestle the gun out of the bad guys hands' but once they are in that scenario they freeze...

BH:29
WW:27
On Dday
D-DAY: APRIL 15, 2020

posts: 78   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2020
id 8693043
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 11:28 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

I got a good handle on my situation but I find that my... let's call it 'male ego' continually holds me back. Its like a shoulder devil that reminds me that I'm not enough or a second/safe choice. Idk what to do to conquer these feelings. Not sure if it's gonna be time or what some other method.

Any BSs feel this way? I'm sure I've asked this before tbh, its a thought that lingers in mind alot lately. Probably bc our wedding anniversary is next week

Here's the thing: I think this 'male ego' thing is a myth.

Unless we reframe it as: a natural biological male reaction to sexual betrayal. In which case, yes, that's a real thing.

And I guess any WW who didn't think that through can fuck right off. In other words, I think you should stop beating yourself up and trying mightily to deny what your integral masculine nature is telling you.

What is it telling you? I don't know. I'm not in your skin. But I'm a man. I'm a betrayed man.

I can only guess. But I'm going to guess that you're having a hard time seeing your WW in the same light after she spent months scheming to be penetrated by another man and then carried around his DNA inside her while she looked you in the eyes and stone-cold lied to you repeatedly.

Am I right about that? Is that the "barrier"? Well, then. That's a pretty fucking rational barrier, if you ask me. It's the striving to suppress it that is biting you in the ass really hard. Again, I'm just guessing here, but if your experience is anything like mine, I can relate.

I find it helpful in my own case to stop trying to suppress these natural reactions. To stop trying to deny that I'm having primary moral emotions of righteous anger and revulsion in reaction to transgressive acts that every human culture has forbade everywhere for, well, forever.

Have you read "Cheating in a Nutshell"? It might give you some insights into the real brain chemistry, moral emotions and other processes going on inside your brain and mind.

And yes, you are a bad ass, and don't you forget it. Honor, loyalty, strength. You've got it all. I've got it all, too. Like TIF said, I know I'm a catch. You're more than likely a huge catch as well.

I'm 50, and I don't have a single fear about being out on my own. I would be able to get several dates within a matter of a week or so (though I wouldn't want them, because I wouldn't want to get caught up in a rebound). My own recalcitrance has to do with my kids and the impact on them. I have real objective fear for them. But for myself? Shit no.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:34 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4339   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8693046
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 11:48 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

What these guys said. Believe it. Then tell your WS your how you feel about yourself and your personal value. Don't be shy about it.

Stop trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day.

posts: 229   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8693051
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 12:14 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Google "female delusion calculator".

I had never seen this. Hilarious and (probably) stunningly accurate when you plug in the numbers. Puts things in great perspective. I came up with less than half a percent of other men in the same general categories (making at least $150K, not obese, at least 5'11") even accounting for a wide age range. I suppose if you plugged in even more factors (education level, job level, intelligence) and even less tangible factors (style, fitness level, sense of humor, financial independence, musicality, exciting and fun hobbies) it would make one feel even more confident.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4339   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8693058
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:35 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

I would say that almost every betrsyed spouse feels like they are "less than" or second choice.

I learned a few things about myself during my H’s affair and then during reconciliation.

I no longer care what others think of me. Lesson learned. Not a people pleaser any longer.

My own self worth and satisfaction comes from within - not from external sources. Yes it’s nice that people love my baked goods (I bake) or think I’m funny. We all love compliments.

But it’s more important you love yourself. Because that’s who you wake up to every day.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693096
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:26 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Yes I felt that especially early after Dday. The more we discussed her A the more I realized how pathetic it was. They were forcing something from nothing and fantasy never measured up to RL. I’m so much better than any AP (a POS that would mess with a another mans W?). She is damn fortunate I agreed to R, cheating was always a dealbreaker until it happened so I’m not plan B, she is.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8693106
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 7:05 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Your self worth is not anyone's to take. That must come from within.

Post DDays I had horrible feelings of being "not enough". Now, years out, when that devil tries to climb on my shoulder I flick it away like a gnat. But for the longest time I not only let it hang out but gave it my ear.

Flick it off. Reclaim yourself [whatever that means to you].

You are more than enough. It is sad other's are too broken to realize it.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8693164
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:52 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Whatever is going on inside you, it is not holding you back.

It's a real issue that you need to - and can - resolve.

My method for resolving the manliness issue was the same as Oldwounds' and TIF's - to remember my strengths, accomplishments (including recognizing that I was a better H than I had thought), and my value as a human being.

The more it's self-validation, the better. I didn't care about image. Rather, I cared about being true to myself. Was I doing my best to get what I wanted? Was I trying to avoid what I feared, or was I just taking my fears into account? Was I simply reacting to my anger, or was I staying focused on my goals while taking anger into account? Was acting in support of my physical and emotional health, or was I just doing what was easiest?

A BS can't be passive and succeed in R. IMO, a WS has to change more to R, but the BS has a lot of work to do, too. It isn't easy, but the payoffs - knowing and liking who you are, knowing and liking what you want - make a good life more probably and more attainable.

Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect or for finding something difficult. Instead, realize every issue is an opportunity to move closer to the life you want, and realize that you can resolve the issues you face.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8693181
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 11:46 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Jaybee,

I think it has mostly to do with the extreme passion we see in an affair and that it is entered into by their own free will and they want the OM.

Contrasted with the patronizing statements from cheaters, which are born out of fear of losing what they have in life, it's difficult to accept them as sincere. Your gut knows the difference as well even when you can't find the words.

posts: 1056   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8693227
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