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Does Your Ex Still Try to Avoid You?

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 Fablegirl (original poster member #56784) posted at 5:37 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Just curious about this. Does your ex avoid you and, if so, do you think it's out of anger or shame?

Lately I have noticed that even though XWH and I get along quite well when face to face, he still goes out of his way to avoid me or communicate directly. Even more maddening is on more recent occasions he has told DD that he won't go to certain events we are both invited to if he knows I will be there. This came up because we live in a small town, attend a lot of intersecting social events and I remain close to my in-laws, including my nieces and nephews. Recently I was invited to BIL's birthday lunch and XWH told DD he wasn't coming because I was attending. Mind you, this does not occupy a lot of emotional space in my head overall but it does bother me that he tells DD he doesn't want to be around me. Why tell her? It's also a little puzzling because up until last March I lived in the marital home with DD and he hung out there all the time to visit her and do work around our property. I tolerated his presence because it was the best thing for DD to see her dad (he moved in with OW and didn't have a place of his own for DD to visit -- OW was banned from having contact with DD by court order).

My theory is that XWH justified his affair with OW by painting me as the enemy who deserved to be cheated on because I was demanding and mean. Granted, I was angry about his affair (it was with a woman who pretended to be a friend of mine) but it's been a few years now and I see that I am better off and doing quite well. I moved to a lovely place on a property nearby our old farm, won a big promotion in my job, and am in a relationship with someone DD regards as a father figure.

I think XWH avoids me because his old narrative about why he did what he did doesn't stand up too well when confronted with an ex wife who jokes with him and laughs. He's still with OW but I heard through friends she's deeply self-conscious about her role in the break up of our marriage and stays away from any place where she knows where I or DD will be. I guess it could be he doesn't like me as a person anymore (don't care) or is still angry that our divorce settlement didn't work out the way he wanted, but my gut tells me that he constructed an alternate reality in which he justified his affair (he hated cheaters until he became one) and the more he's around me the more fragile that fantasy is. Wondering what others have experienced from their exes.

Thank you.

posts: 221   路   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017   路   location: Mid Atlantic
id 8690451
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:42 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

It could be that the OW is telling him if you attend he cannot.

Karma lol馃槀

She (OW) is jealous.

You keep attending anything you get invited to. It鈥檚 his choice (or he goes along with the OW) to decide to remain absent.

It鈥檚 not YOU!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:42 PM, Monday, September 27th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690463
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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 7:11 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

I think it's a combination.

One aspect is that he needs to see you as the villan in his life story to justify his crappy actions. That means always finding reasons to dislike you.

Another aspect is that the OW feels insecure that his family are choosing you over her. They see you as family and her as a homewrecker. This is not the narrative of the story they were hoping for and can't stand it.

posts: 70   路   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8690471
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:41 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Another aspect is that the OW feels insecure that his family are choosing you over her. They see you as family and her as a homewrecker. This is not the narrative of the story they were hoping for and can't stand it.

Telling DD is a way to manipulate FableGirl and his family to cut you out of the family events. Knowing that they would just laugh at the request direct from him.

posts: 830   路   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8690494
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 11:31 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

No one will ever know Fablegirl, b/c he sure as shit aint gonna tell you, and neither is the OW. You may find out if your DD is told something and she lets you in on it, but don't expect them to come right out and tell you, especially if they are jealous.

On my side, my ex doesn't necessarily avoid me, but the ex does know that I'm not a fan of hers, so I'm happy not having to sit around and be around her. I think she has accepted that part of our going forward parenting relationship. We interact just fine around the kids, we never fight or argue. We keep it mellow for the kids.

I don't think my ex has any shame, embarrassed by her actions, yes for sure, but true shame, I'm not sure about that. Her dad had an exit affair on her mom, and she loves and respects him, and so when she was going through this, I"m sure he wasn't the best person to give her advice, b/c he was kind of a shit person as well.

YOur ex might also as others have said been told to stay away from you b/c his slimey whore told him too. Sounds to me though that you've come out on top if there is such a thing and they will creep back into the shadows like the losers that they are.

posts: 1187   路   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   路   location: Cali
id 8690534
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:48 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

There was a guy on another infidelity site who had a brother who cheated on his wife. Long term affair and finally D to be with the OW.

They eventually married snd it was a huge mistake thought they cheating H would never admit it.

Second wife was a drunk. 24/7 drinking. Arguing. Hangovers. You get the picture.

She also demanded thousands of dollars in "cosmetic" surgery to try snd look young. I think she feared her H would cheat on her like he did with her.

She never allowed her H to attend family functions without her. Not even kids鈥 events - if she can鈥檛 or won鈥檛 go, he can鈥檛 go. Needless to say he (as a father) missed many events including graduations etc.

The kids were only nice to the stepmother b/c she have them $. They despised her and refused to visit (all adult children).

So the X may not hate you. It may be his OW is jealous and hides him from you b/c she鈥檚 not welcome. laugh

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691026
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 11:17 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Far too many reasons as it鈥檚 situational but if he was cordial before and distant now it could be OW driving this, that or someone has had words to either xWH or OW which has made them feel unwelcome and on some level xWH might be blaming you and he is keeping distance like asked. If he is putting so much effort into avoidance and vocalising it so people understand you are the reason my money is on a third party being involved.

This isn鈥檛 likely a 鈥 finally he has seen the light鈥 and feeling guilty or shame, you would have seen that earlier and he would be more talkative, more likely to get the 鈥楲et鈥檚 be friends鈥 spiel.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:21 PM, Thursday, September 30th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 216   路   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8691101
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 7:04 AM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

If I were ever to D, I would endeavor to not share oxygen in the same room with my ex ever again鈥f it ever got to that point.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3391   路   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   路   location: The Big Easy
id 8691135
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 1:52 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

My xwh didn鈥檛 want to go to our children鈥檚 events, so he told the kids the same thing. Now, 10 years later, he says no one told him about the events. duh

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5371   路   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8691192
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 3:32 AM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

I wish mine avoided me. He does not try to do so and sometimes acts like we are still married. My guy friend is a true gem and unbothered.

Me FBS early 40s
Him XWS mid40s (lovemywife4ever), D
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
Free and loving life

posts: 3116   路   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   路   location: Midwest
id 8691500
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