SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Question about cutting kids off from in laws that encouraged the affair

My inlaws suck. They were friends w OW, talked shit about me to her (like, "Gotta isnt worth getting upset over, OW. You have been such a help to our son, I really cant thank you enough"

OW is a nurse. She got WH hooked on benzos, while with her he got fired from two jobs (they would do pills and sleep from Thursday - Tuesday AM and he’d call in "sick" every Monday and Friday.

SHE WAS NOT A GOOD INFLUENCE OR PERSON

Ils are a huge, fun family so even though i was pissed at them for supporting wh’s relationship with OW, i wanted my kids to have a relationship with the many cousins, great aunts and uncles, great grandma, etc, who had nothing to do with this and are good people.

We had not seen the in laws for 3 years. (Nov 2018). We were supposed to go in August, but when talking to MIL i found out she and my SILs and their families were all going on a family vacation 1/2 way through our planned trip up there. They had just been on a family vacation together to SIL’s lakehouse July 4, and were now going on another week long vacation together. One month later. Our week and a half long visit would now be 3 days.

I asked if they could push their vaca back a few days, if we could join them, etc. Nope.

We would have had 3 days to visit. After a 3 year absence, new baby no one has met, and an 8ish hour drive.

Long story short, i ended up telling mil that the family treats my kids differently than the other grands, and that she is weak and amoral as she invited OW on vacation and to her home.

SIL 2 immediately texted WH that if he showed up at MILs house she would call the cops. (Wh had no idea i had spoken to Mil). Wh sent that text to his mom and other sister and said whats this? Fine, if you all feel like that my family wont bother you again.

MIL texted back "good, did you see what your wife told your mother? She is a nut"

MIL said “Good.” When her son said he would not bother her again. I cant imagine how hurtful that was to WH. Good.

I didnt yell curse or say profanity. I am not a nut. The truth has upset MIL.

SIL 1 also called ne and left a voice mail taht said,"You are not invited to my moms or my house. We love WH and the kids and they can come, but not you" WH is not going to drive 500 miles with the kids, alone.

I never want to have contact with them again. They do not treat my kids equal to the other grandkids.

Wh blocked them from his phone, they do call in to his office. There have been about 7 calls in 2 months to his office. From both his mom and SIL1.

My question. I will not talk to them again. WH, its his decision to talk to them. I dont think he will right now, if just because he is slammed with work and . Eventually we will divorce (i have some unrelated stuff going on where i need him right now so we live in the same house but in separate rooms) so this is not an issue we have to discuss because we will not be married.

My kids- the younger two dont care about mil. But my oldest (almost 16 yrs), remembers pre-affair when we all got along.

She also has a phone (younger kids dont) so MIL and her aunts and cousins can text her. MIL texts about once a month. Oldest cousin has texted a few times, and the cousin her age told her in 2018 when she tried to text her “why are you texting me? Its not like we are friends. We were close when we were little but not anymore". DD was shocked and doesnt text her anymore.

Do I tell dd to stop all contact? Or… Do i keep it at this; I told her a few weeks ago that she is an amazing person and should never be #2 In anyones book. That enough people will think shes great and she wont have to beg to be included in things, and focus on those people, dont waste time on people like the in laws (dont play the "pick me!" Game). I also said i know shes very respectful and family is important to her, and if she chooses to stay in contact with ILS, thats her choice and I support her.

DD has said that I am in the right for what I said to MIL, and that she would have said it earlier.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:27 PM, Sunday, September 26th]

You encourage her to make her own choices, but to never tolerate anyone treating her less than others, as an afterthought, or second best.
In other words, you don't outright say your IL's are POS, but you tell her they have debliberately excluded you, and not been kind to you and never where honest or provided a reason other than wanting to behave like 14 yo popular girls like in Mean Girls, and because of said behavior you have to distance yourself from them because you are worth more than that, and so is your dtr.
Then you let her make her choice, but the first hint that they are being rags to her, you cut it off, you step in as a parent and say No more. This is abusive, and unneccessary, and some people just suck.
If she has not interest, and wants nothing to do with them even better, let it go.
Teen girls have enough drama in day to day life. They don't need extra, especially one that is performing at a higher level in her education, and being around more mature girls. She doesn't need the pressure or abuse.

I feel like we are at that part where i need to step in. The fact that they planned a family vacation (the second in two months) DURING our planned visit, is unbelievable. And MIL didnt have to go with SILs. The sisters could have gone just them and their families. MIL could have stayed home and we could have has the visit.

She chose, instead, to go on vacation with her daughters and other grandkids. She chose them over us. The vacation they took was to SIL’s rented house that she rented for a year. So very easily could they change the plans. No one was out any hotels, and they were driving so no tickets or anything like that. It was a simple, "id rather spend time with these people than you all"

Done. I am absolutely done. I feel the need to tell DD to atleast for now block grandma. WH’s birthday was recently and MIL sent a card that said , "Hoping and Praying we can get together during the holidays"

I think MIL is a narcissist, and shes trying to get WH back in her life. I am scared about what manipulation she will use on DD. I dont think she will badmouth me to DD, however, I never thought she’d badmouth me to WH’s mistress. Lol

I think, for right now, grandma and the others should be blocked… am i totally wrong? I have an appt with my therapist in two weeks and i will ask her, but i really feel like we need to go NC atleast for now.

If it were me I would have kicked all those shitbags in your WH's family to the curb a long damn time ago.

Be honest with your daughter, and block the crazy. Let her focus on herself, and her life. She is a teen that's what she is supposed to do.

You keep posting the same topics about the same losers who treat you poorly.

This is not a family.

Find friends to substitute as family. Find anyone or anything to replace these people.

My MIL DESPISED me. From the time she realized my H really liked me she tried to break us up. We married. She didn’t attend the wedding with the rest of the family.

She was never anything to me. She was my H’s mother and if he didn’t talk to her then I didn’t. She disrespected my H one last time and it was time to move forward.

You are going to do nothing more than torture yourself if you continue to try to get these people to like you, see you, talk to you or spend time with you.

Accept them fir who and what they are. And find yourself some peace and stop trying to get these people to include you or like you.

They treat you & kids horribly.

Why do you want them in your life to begin with?

My grandmother on my dads side was like this. She favoured my aunt over my dad. My mother who was an amazing woman in every way was treated like dirt by my grandmother. She absolutely could not stand my mother. My mother grew up poor in a village, she did good in school and went to university. She got a good job. She was a good wife to my dad who was an alcoholic half his life, she adored her kids and had lots of good friends who loved her. In my grandmothers eyes my aunt could not compete with my mom.

The difference is that my dad did not tolerate the disrespect and he always put her in her place while my poor mom always tried to make grandmother like her. She never did. My mom died and this woman was indifferent.

She also hated me and my siblings for no reason at all. I was your DD once upon a time and I can tell you I have nothing good to say about my grandmother. Sje is not even worth the space this will be printed on. Unfortunetly these types of people enter your life but you need to weed them out. Don't waste any time trying to figure these people out. It has nothing to do with you at all. Just cut them out and be honest with your DD about your feelings. It's not your job to facilitate that relationship anyway.

Hey Gotta- you know the drill :)

You can't force your MIL to be a decent person, including a decent Grandma

At 16, your DD is old enough to make her own choices about that familial relationship. AND you and your WH can keep whatever boundaries each of you like on that front. If she really wants to visit mil/her grandma, she can take a plane or a bus or whatever, because her relationship with her grandma is not "about" you or your WH or even the SILs. It's about your DD and her grandma.

AND

I think it's awesome that your DD knows that her mom (dad?) think she's amazeballs... and that she does NOT have to be #2 in anyone's life - even her grandma. I think it's awesome for DD to know that she's got a mamma bear that is ready to help and support as she navigates some tricky stuff.

If it were me, I would block MIL for MYSELF, and let my 16yo DD know that I've done it and why AND that if DD wishes to have a relationship with her grandma/my MIL, I will support that but ONLY within my boundaries, which include NOT visiting (but - perhaps - helping to pay for a plane or bus ticket, and for sure being available if her grandma lets her down the way grandma has let down her DIL, son, and DD's younger siblings, etc).

I TOTALLY get why I'd want to cut off my kids from that toxicity. And for young'uns, I would. But IMO, 16 is old enough to make those choices herself - esp when there is a loving parent to help support through the potential heartache as DD figures out FOR HERSELF that her grandma aint' what she's cracked up to be. IMHO, that's a life lesson. (and FWIW, my eldest is from a prior relationship... bio-dad and bio-dad's family have all basically abandoned my kid - these are people whom, even after I was married to WH, I invited into my home for birthdays, xmas, etc. to help foster my kid having a relationship with bio-dad's side of the family - bio dad's sister was my BFF in middle/high school, so I've known the whole family since I was about 11. Much as it breaks my heart & pisses me off, I can't make them be good to their family member/my kid. What I CAN do is be available to my kid if/when the heartbreak and abandonment hits. Let them know how awesome they are, how the family is a bunch of jerks, that being treated like a red headed stepchild is never Ok and NEVER deserved, etc).

Sorry you are in the thick of things here.

I would nit want my child exposed to the family. You don’t know what lies they will tell her and could really do some damage.

I’d keep the whole family from these people.

I would nit want my child exposed to the family. You don’t know what lies they will tell her and could really do some damage.

This is what im afraid of. I am very naive when it come to this stuff ( hell, i thought affairs were things that happened in the movies before 2009). Ive let this go on way too long already

I went back and looked at emails my
ILS sent to wh and ow in 2010. (Wh gave me full access to email after he dumped ow in 2011)

They include

1). SIL 2 telling WH to call CPS and have them check that my mother’s house was clean when we went to live with her.

My Mother is a type A personality. She cant go to sleep if one dish is in the sink. Beds are always made, laundry always folded and put away, toys in the toychest. Even her car
Is spotless. Never a food wrapper or soda bottle or even dirt.

And SIL2 told WH to call CPS to make sure the house was liveable. He did call the cops to do a well check 3x

SIL 1 told wh "did Gotta’s relative ever prescribe you Xanax? You can lose your license for that. Look into it"

This relative is extremely close to me and grew up in rural area, was so damn smart they had colleges writing to them asking them to attend. They got board certified in two areas, had a great career, and No, never prescribed wh Xanax, even though he asked them to.

(This is the same SIL who gave wh some of her klonopin to take the edge off when he was at Christmas and stressed because he was having an affair … she and his whole family knew about the affair, and she gave him some if her klonopin, and had the audacity to suggest trying to get my relative’s medical license taken away… WHY?? Just to be an asshole! Your brother is having an affair and you are trying to dick me over!)

3- MIL telling OW thank you for all you do for my son, i really dont know how to fhank you enough. The kids love their time there and they can go and have a noce normal time with you two. Let my son handle Gotta and his divorce, she isnt worth getting upset over. She thinks shes so smart, even smarter than the courts. Even her mother will get tired of this attitude she has soon.

"Normal" time? Both are mentally ill and were prescription pill addicts. My daughter said one of the last times she was there they were sleeping the pills off, and she was alone. She was worried about how to get home to me, and came up with, if they didnt wake up soon she would go outside and ask the mailman when he came if he could help her get home. Real. Fucking. Normal.

Never an apology. I do not know if they would ever do something to hurt my family again. Literally. They hurt my family more than once. And i was so bent on having that big family of aunts and uncles and cousins for my kids that I looked this shit over.

Im telling DD Friday to block the ils. (I dont want to upset her during school week)

Gotta

I know this was all back in the 2011 timeframe, but I assume that your WH badmouthed you to the ILs quite a bit (as most waywards tend to do). Did he ever correct the record?

You also mentioned they were friends with OW - was that before his affair?

I would imagine that they became invested in making your WH and OW into good guys since their behavior possibly reflected their own tendencies to trample on people. Him being the bad guy and being from amongst them. Him being the bad guy and they supported him against his victim. Their friend the OW being a homewrecker.

Neither your WH nor his OW reflect well on them. Any that is an appearance they can't abide by.

I think you used the term "narcissist".

They sound like a bunch of assholes. I think you are well within reason to take this in hand support your daughter against their passive/aggressive bullying.

I know this was all back in the 2011 timeframe, but I assume that your WH badmouthed you to the ILs quite a bit (as most waywards tend to do). Did he ever correct the record?

Probably not. But that is irrelevant
. They knew me for 11 years before the affair. I had a four month old baby when it started (and a 4 year old, too). If anything they should have told wh, "wow, all these horrible things about Gotta… are you sure she doesn’t have post partum depression?" But really, they knew me. I saw them 6 weeks before this happened.

They knew my house wasnt CPS worthy. MIL spent a week w me after #2 was born, and they had stayed with us the year before. My house was clean!

They were dicks for suggesting WH try to get my relative’s medical license taken away. They did that because SIL1, her brother in law (her husbands brother) is an ER doctor. He was caught taking prescription drugs from work and got in huge trouble and lost his license for a while. So she knew what a shit shown that would be.

WH literally met Ow at a conference, slept with her the first or second day, and then abandoned us in a new city (lived there 2 months) LESS THAN TWO WEEKS LATER! without telling me. I stayed up all night worried he was dead. I called MIL at 6 am trying to find him. He told her and his sisters about the affair when they tried to reach him.

He was manic (bipolar 1) and you could tell there was something off in his behavior.

He was fired from 2 jobs.

When he left OW she went out of control and was calling MIL etc and saying some out there stuff.

So all in all- even if he didnt say, "sorry, i was sick. Gotta wasnt that bad…" they should know by how he acted, and because they knew me for eleven years before this. If they are too stupid to know that Im not a horrible CPS worthy mother, i dont have time for them.

They literally supported his relationship with OW. More than they ever supported our marriage. Invited HER on vacation.

A few years after we were married, MIL told me, "We thought about throwing you a bridal shower when you two got married, but decided against it. We didnt want to encourage the marriage"

But they f-ing tell OW what a great person she is, encourage WH to "be nice to her, she helped you a lot" when he left her… "Hope that you two can still be friends ".

The question isnt even should i tel dd to block them, its, why the hell didnt we cut them out YEARS ago?

They knew we were coming up to visit after three years and took a vacation right in the middle of the planned trip. My kids were looking forward to the trip, hell even i was, because their city has awesome food and i like some of the extended family. Wh owns his own business and its very hard to take more than a day off. He planned this for a few months. Im just so mad.

No. They are narcissistic and i am telling DD friday to block them. The narcissistic feed (wh) has been cut off and they are not above contacting DD to try to get her to encourage wh to come for the holidays. (Hell they contacted her when they found out we were in town in August and didnt see them)

They are bad people. Just bad people.

You need to ghost these bad people.

Once you do and heal yourself your family life will improve.

My MIL disavowed her only grandchildren b/c I was their mother. She never met nor spoke to them. She died when they were young but she never would acknowledge they even existed.

Sadly it was her choice the path she took and everyone she told about us followed along believing her lies.

My life was very peaceful and calm b/c I did nothing wrong (ever) to her. I stopped caring that she didn’t like me or her son. She thought I was a liability or something less than what her son "deserved". ROFLMAO 🤣

Put your energy into something positive. Vow to no longer vent or write about these people b/c you are keeping yourself stuck in this warp and letting it consume your life.

I speak from experience— I’ve been in your position and shunned by people who were mean and hateful for no reason.

You are letting their negativity into your life.

You are allowing it to make you unhappy and stoop to their level. You keep trying to befriend them and fix the problem when THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED!!

You can either continue in the same train or GET OFF THIS PATH and stop wasting your efforts and energy. Your call. 💕

I would agree that you should be honest with your DD. Let her know how you have been treated by these people and that YOU will no longer have any contact with them. IIWY, I would encourage your DD to do the same, as I can't imagine anything positive coming from interaction with them, however, as she will be an adult soon, she can and will make her own choices. She needs to know that it is OK to stand up for herself, even with family and not expose herself to that kind of treatment.

Thanks for all the messages everyone. The more i think about this, the more I am just flabbergasted! Who leaves their house in the middle of a visit?!? Lol!!!

The deal here is: When I told off MIL, my oldest was sad she wouldnt get to see colleges in that area, and her 2 y/o cousin she had never met (its a cousin’s son.. not SIL’s !!). I told the kids, we dont need the ILS, we can go do that stuff without them. And we did! Saw new cousin and a bunch of colleges. I was silent about the trip on social media, but DD posted a pic and they found out we had been in their town. First they had the oldest (21 year old) cousin text DD asking if shed gone to the lake near grandmas house? Oh, when? Did your dad take you?

These are all questions from grandma and SIL. Cousin told my DD, awe, sorry we missed you at the lake, you should have come when we were there. Um, we werent invited. And Im not sending my kids up to stay with you alone, just because you dislike me.

MIL has now sent a birthday card to WH saying shes hoping and praying we can get together during the holidays.

I am obviously not invited. If i wasn’t invited before i told MIL off, I am definitely not invited now!

So MIL is trying to get WH to go to see her and spend the holidays probably without his kids, and most definitely without his wife. (They dont know we are living separately and divorce is on the table)Anyone who would try to do that is a narcissist.

I am betting they will try to contact DD and say hey, why dont you come here for Christmas! Its so fun! I just dont want her in the middle.

I've been reading your posts about your in-laws for years.

Listen..they hate you. They treat your children unfairly,because of the way they feel about you. You need to stop getting pulled into their bullshit. Stop contacting them.They're mean, spiteful,disordered pieces of shit. Just as a BS should go NC with an unremorseful WS, you must go NC with them.

You want to give your kids the benefit of a large,loving family. Which would be awesome. Except you can not change who they are. Therefore, this is something that is impossible to give your children. So stop trying. You can not change them. What you can do is change your thinking. Become more involved with your family. If it's smaller,that's ok. Are they toxic? No? Then choose the healthy family over the toxic dump that is his family.

I don't know why you are so shocked that they planned a vacation during your visit. Of course they did. I don't think anyone who has read your posts is,in any way, surprised by that. At all.

They don't like you. Because you don't fit in with their family. Something you need to thank God for.

Tell your daughter you are cutting all contact with them. You will no longer visit, or call. Tell her exactly why. All of it. She is old enough to know the entire truth. Tell her she can make the decision to be treated second class, but you are hoping she chooses to cut off toxic people. Even family. Especially family. And then let it go. She is almost an adult. She can decide what she wants in this case.

You can not change or control how these people act towards you. But you can remove yourself entirely.

And, of course he,and the kids, have been invited for the holidays. They would love for him to leave you alone,and take the kids on Christmas. That doesn't mean it will happen. Your husband couldn't handle them for 15 minutes alone. He knows that. And you're their mother. Of course they will spend Christmas with you. The thought that they wouldn't is absurd.

NC. At all. Block them on the phone, and email.

FWIW, this:

She is old enough to know the entire truth. Tell her she can make the decision to be treated second class, but you are hoping she chooses to cut off toxic people. Even family. Especially family. And then let it go. She is almost an adult. She can decide what she wants in this case.

is not the same as this:

I am telling DD friday to block them

Yes, the in laws may be "narcs" or "bad people" or "toxic" or any number of things. However, your DD is a "young" adult. Let her make her own decisions with full information and agency. If I were a betting person, I'd bet the in laws will not be the last people your DD will encounter that could be described as narc/toxic/bad, etc. Let her learn how to navigate it on her own. If SHE wants to block, then support. If she does NOT want to block, then support - within your boundaries. IME, modeling the behavior & decision making I'd want my kids to do is a ton more effective than trying to dictate.

Just my $0.02.

Gotta,

It is heartening to see that you are 'getting it', in terms of how toxic your ILs are.

Before that, you seemed to be always trying to get validation from them. To get 'accepted', because you had been fighting that fight for so long that it became an automatic process.

Well, good news for you! You do not have to fight that fight anymore!

And i was so bent on having that big family of aunts and uncles and cousins for my kids that I looked this shit over.

Glad you woke up to this. Your kids would have appreciated a big family, but what they NEED is a healthy family, and the ILs are not healthy at all. If you had pursued this dream/wish of yours, it could have potentially caused irreparable damage to your kids' values.

SIL 1 texted DD on her birthday- just a Happy Birthday! Have a great day!

DD said thank you!

Dd texted me from school when she got the text, hey, Aunt texted me HBD.

I told her to block her and grandma since she doesnt need the drama and they are already trying to get Dad to come and possibly the kids for the holidays, and im not invited, splitting up our family for the holidays. (Who does that?).

She said they are her blood and while they are distasteful people she is not blocking them until they start getting her involved. (Very mature answer). She said, "I am not telling someone they cant send me a present". (Very teenager of her)

I said, "DD, they planned a vacation that we werent invited to during the first visit we were making in 3 years."

DD, "I know"

Me: "block them"

DD: "Im about to block you, youre making me feel bad". (Laughing emoji)

Ive said my piece. I cant lie, I feel that it is very disloyal to me for her to continue talking to them, even if it’s every few months. Definitely hurts my feelings. I wont tell her that, but it does.

Ive said all I will say. And WH doesnt talk to them, so hopefully they will go away and leave everyone alone? Maybe?

I did see a tik tok where they talked about deadbeat dads and whos behind them, and the screen cut to "toxic mother and enabling sister"

I thought, "Oh wow, I thought it was just my inlaws! This is a psychological thing, like when all cheaters say, "I love you but im not in love with you". I was shocked wheb i came on SI and saw that they all say that (my wh did!). And i was shocked on tik tok when they said behind every deadbeat dad is a toxic, enabling mother. Blow me over with a feather!!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:46 PM, Wednesday, September 29th]

Being the parent of an adult..or nearly adult..child is very hard.

She is doing what she feels is best for her..and you need to suck it up, and let her.

Hurts like Hell.

Thank you HellFire. You’re exactly right. It does hurt, it also brings back old feelings from 10 years ago, when she would have such a great time at OW1‘s house. Because she was there on the weekend, 0W had a dog, candy, and takeout food for her. And mom‘s house, was not as nice, it was a crummy apartment that I could afford, and I made her eat vegetables, go to bed and get up for school in the morning.

But eventually DD realized that 0W was not a good person. She realize that when she was five. And, I think that she will realize, and she really already has, that the in-laws are not good people.

Last question for you all- The fact that DD wants to continue to have a relationship with them, makes me think that maybe I was over reacting. And I should’ve been nicer to the in-laws. Or at least sucked it up? I don’t know I’m feeling very conflicted about telling MIL off and basically signing out of that relationship by doing that. They are horrible people, aren’t they? And maybe not serial killer horrible, but just really not nice people, who don’t care about my family. Right?