Newest Member: Withoutloveinthedream

Divorce/Separation :
In laws who encouraged the affair?

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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Gotta - doesn't matter if a bunch of folks on the Internet think the inlaws are POS.
What matters is that YOU find them to be POS
that their actions don't show the kind of respect/love/friendship/common courtesy that YOU need.

You have boundaries and self respect and they don't fit into that paradigm for you anymore.
So, you cut out the toxicity those folks have for you - that strikes me as pretty darned healthy.

I was happy to see the story of your DD coming to understand - on HER terms - that the OW was not healthy for her... and that her mom's rules (or boundaries) were what she needed. Smart kid. She'll determine for herself what she wants/needs or doesn't from your in laws. Where HER boundaries are... how much she's willing to be take for a bday gift grin And she'll have an awesome, boundary queen of a mom to support her if the crap hits the fan and she's hurt. Not too shabby IMHO.

That parenting stuff ain't always easy, and it can also teach US a ton

Godspeed.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8690946
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 3:45 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

And she'll have an awesome, boundary queen of a mom to support her if the crap hits the fan and she's hurt. Not too shabby IMHO.

Thank you so much for saying that.

They and WH have been gaslighting me for so long, and i have held out hope for a big living family for so long, that i am second guessing myself.

If i ever feel any nostalgia towards them, i need to think back to Christmas 2015 where i went with my gifts that Id bought to SIL2 house. Put them under the tree, has some food, then gift opening starts. Halfway through I realized i was getting nothing for Christmas. I sat there while everyone opened gifts (including ones i had bought) and my DD who was about 10 came up with a worried look and said, "did you not get anything ". I shushed her and said dont worry about it.

Oh wow, this cut off is long overdue!!! laugh

All of my friends and family in real life have cheered me on and said GOOD FOR YOU, long over due, after I said i told MIL off.

I have been reading and think MIL is a narcissist, and the family shows signs of pseudomutality. Which would explain why WH and SIL1 both have bipolar disorder.

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8690973
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 1:11 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

UPDATE-

(I don’t know how to put that on the title!)

SIL1 has texted DD twice in the past week.

She had not texted DD since Christmas 2020. So this is not a normal thing.

The first text was a happy birthday text. It was DDs birthday. very simple, happy birthday have a great day! It was nice that she remembered, as she didn’t remember DS1 birthday this summer, or DS2 birthday months ago.

A few days after DDs birthday, its MIL birthday. Sil1 texts DD, "hi, it was grandma’s birthday yesterday, incase your dad didnt tell you"

Dd felt the text was rude. Shes not sure what to do- i said ignore and block. She feels like shes getting pulled in to the drama now.

I want to text SIL- hey, stop texting my kid. You all have made it clear that you dont like our family. Leave us all alone

(we used to be invited to everything, but in the past 2 years alone, havent been invited to nephews First Communion, Sil 1 & 2 had both of their daughters make Confirmation together and celebrated together with other family, and several family vacations that prior to the affair we were always invited to and the kids really enjoyed)

So just leave us alone! Dont text once a year to keep some of is in your narcissistic web!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 1:18 PM, Tuesday, October 5th]

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8691675
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:28 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

I would NOT inform the in-laws you are blocking them. That’s just playing their stupid petty game.

Just block them. Don’t announce it. Just do it.

It’s called taking the high road.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691677
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Walkthestorm ( new member #72157) posted at 2:14 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

As tempting as it is, I would avoid forming DD's opinions on her GM and aunts. Unfortunetly she will learn the hard way just like you have. If anyone should respond to the rude text it should be your H.

As for yourself, stick to your own boundries. Don't engage with these people and block them. If anyone talks about them, change the subject or be honest and say that you don't want to hear any information about them moving on.

Your ex-inlaws are emotional vampires. Don't let them have anymore of your peace than what you already have allowed them to take.

posts: 42   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8691686
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 2:29 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

I wouldnt tell them if DD blocks them. Wh and I both have blocked them.

Sil1 and Mil know they are blocked. They regularly call WH’s office since they cant get through on his personal phone.

My guess is that SIL is texting DD now to get WH and the kids back in the family fold. They have made it crystal clear that I am not welcome . (By saying, "You 4 can come, Gotta is not invited")

I just wish DD would block them and we could all move on.

This brings up feelings from the first affair. OW1 was given the keys to my house by WH. I was at my family’s house two states away because of the affair, so i was not there regularly. OW loaded up everything in the house- including my grandmas antique furniture, kids toys and clothes, etc. Then, she literally took a family picture of me and wh, with him holding DD. She ripped me out and placed the picture of just me on the fireplace mantel. She also left a paper cup with lipstick next to this. So then next time I was in town and checking on the house, I walked in to my home with nothing there, and me ripped out of a family pic with a cup with lipstick very purposely put on it next to the picture. It was a clear message, "im taking your entire life- the contenta of your house, your husband and next, your kids"

Now the ILS want just wh and the kids to visit. It feels like someone is trying to rip my family apart again. They do not know the marital problems we are having, so they are as far as they know, splitting up a happy family to get some to visit.

I couldnt make ow1 go away, but i can try to tell my DD to block these people and make them get out of our lives.

Shes doesn’t want to block family, and is conflicted. Shes 16 and shouldnt have to deal with this stupidity

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:33 PM, Tuesday, October 5th]

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8691688
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:32 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

You are a package deal. All or nothing.

It’s you the H AND kids as a family or nothing.

So in that case your entire family should have the in-laws blocked. Your DD cannot be in contact with the in-laws if they are excluding you. That’s not how it works.

It’s not your daughter’s choice - she should nit be in the middle of this.

Shut the door on this. All members of your family have blocked the in-laws. Then the drama and this nonsense stops.

There is no reason to keep subjecting yourself to this.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691710
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 5:39 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

If you daughter doesn't want to block them, then tell her you don't want to hear anything about it when they contact her. She doesn't need to involve you. That way you can move on with or without your daughter blocking them.

posts: 1538   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8691731
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 8:43 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

You are a package deal. All or nothing

RIGHT?!?! Ive been floored several times over the past 10 years when they suggest wh come alone or wo me and just the kids .

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8691759
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:58 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

Glad you see it for what it is.

You need to put yourself snd your family first. You & H need health and mental stability and not allow your family to be involved with people who have such intense dislike.

Unplug. Block. Move forward. Make new relationships with friends and they become family. Stop being involved (even on the fringes) with these people. They are nit family.

My MIL shunned me ten ways to Sunday. For no reason. No words or arguments or disrespect occurred. She just was jealous. She made it her mission to hate. She turned people in her country against me (except for a few).

What she didn’t factor in was that her son stood by me. Snd that is sad to see a person choose to walk away from family but she made the situation intolerable. Not her son (my H).

I wish it ended better. But my life was drama free and the other daughter in laws had to be subjected to her hatred. For decades.

Don’t look behind you. Look to the people who love snd support you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691770
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 11:31 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

As much as this sucks, I don't think it's OK for a parent to block family from a 16yo.
Yes, what the in laws are doing is awful. ]
Yes, we all want to protect our kids. At 16, she is farther beyond "protecting" than I think any mom wants to admit (I sure as heck didn't).

AND - I also sense that at least some part is YOU wanting it to stop YOUR triggers. Absolutely understandable.
AND - that is about you and not your kid.

Be there to SUPPORT your kid. Teach the boundaries. Teach them the freedom we all get from being responsible for ourselves and our own behavior. Teach your DD how to calmly/gently tell their aunts/uncles/grandparents what is and is not acceptable. What respect looks like.
SHOW them how you are able to set boundaries, stick to them, and not obsess about it anymore.

IMHO, if YOU are the one to block DD from interacting with her blood relatives (awful as they may be, including to her), not only has your DD not learned for herself how to handle awful people (cuz we all know DD will be dealing with awful people in some form or another for the rest of her life), you are also opening yourself up to DD's resentment/anger/etc.

YOU get to have your boundaries WRT the in laws, including WRT your DD's interactions with in laws. That can include saying I don't want to be involved, don't tell me about it, etc ... and what message does that send to DD? Perhaps there is a way to communicate to DD your belief these folks won't treat her with decency/respect or are using her for nefarious reasons. And that it's DD's decision, tho you will be available to support her if/when the sh*t hits the fan. IMO, teens/young adults need solid support / safety net to catch them from their not so great choices. If the parent makes the choice FOR them, they aren't learning how to make solid choice on their own.

I come from a long line of family drama - that has often included kids being in the middle. That 2015 Xmas of which you speak? Yeah, I had that too... but it was me and my sibling and my mom who didn't get a gift - I was about 14/15 and my sibling was about 10. And I was the one that said I would no longer attend xmas with that part of the family. Lesson learned (albeit the hard way) that those family members did not have my best interest at heart (and worse, that neither did my own mom, but that's another story).

So - they may be hounding your DD. It may make your DD feel quite uncomfortable, conflicted, and a bunch of other feelings that aren't fun. It's a learning OPPORTUNITY for her to see how she does not like being treated as an object / disrespect to figure out how to say no - even to folks that can be charming/convincing or cause guilt (eg the "I should be nice bc they are family" dilemma). That lesson, alone, is worth GOLD in the long run, esp when it comes to romantic relationships later in life... Can you envision being able to say in 5 or 10 years - gee DD, that guy sounds a lot like aunt x or grandma Y, do you remember how you handled that? Remember how you learned to say no and to set boundaries with folks that don't treat you as you deserve? Don't treat you with respect?

If I haven't already recommended it, I found Brene Brown to have some really solid parenting advice, esp her audio series called The Power of Vulnerability - stuff I wish I'd heard when my kids were young/teens. It's 6 or 8 hours and I got it on Hoopla via my local library. Well worth every minute (and I've listened to it 2x and it's back on my list for a 3d time).

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8691773
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