SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m struggling tremendously.

I’m a same-sex marriage, two women. 3 hard-won children, the products of ten years of infertility treatments and pregnancy loss. Together 16 years and married 13.

I thought we had an overall happy marriage. We’ve been dealt some bad luck (see above), but we came out of it, stronger I thought. We’re in the most difficult time of our marriage… infant, two super challenging older kids, almost 4 and 8. Covid still a thing, and it greatly affected my wife’s work as a teacher. Financial troubles. Mostly somewhat typical shit. I was the pregnant one, the kids are mine biologically, so I was the one who fell completely apart with each loss. She had to be the rock. She was my rock. The responsible, reasonable, rational one. So devoted to our family and, I thought, to me.

And then to make a long story short, out of nowhere, she became engaged in an affair with our baby’s (now ex) nanny. Started as an emotional affair around mid July. And became physical around the end of July or beginning of August. I don’t know. And now we’re in mid-September and the affair has only increased in intensity. They’re constantly texting, she’s constantly figuring out ways to see her (running a long errand, leaving for work early DAILY to have sex in the car, etc). I know everything but she just continues to lie. It’s obsessive. It seems possessive from the other woman’s standpoint; she is impatient over the fact that my wife is still at home and divorce proceedings are taking some time. It’s taken over my wife entirely.

They think they’re in love and my wife is hoping to divorce me quickly and marry this over person; have her literally slide into my place in this family. This woman has a lot to gain too: as far as I know she’s straight or was before this affair, she’s undocumented, they don’t even speak the same language as they communicate via Google translate, the woman is lonely and has her sights set on my entire family I think.

I am terrified. My wife has already forged ahead with a lawyer and a mediation appointment. She says she is no longer in lover with me and can only remember the difficulties in our marriage. She is acting resentfully towards me, and just with COMPLETE disregard for how I feel and what I'm going through. Packing this woman lunches, bringing her coffee, texting her in plain sight. This is so not my wife. I feel completely blindsided and my sorrow over this is unfathomable.

Our marriage was challenging but we have a beautiful family. There was no abuse. Could there have been more romance? Absolutely. But I just cannot accept wife imploding this family while she’s in the midst of this heated affair.

I have been trying to fight for this and to get her to do the same. For our family. And she is just… already checked out.

I need help. I can’t do this.

Wow, that's a lot to happen in that amount of time. I mean to you.
The worst thing in life is wishing it were some way and then have no means to make it happen.
You've got to think about life for the kids once this is over. (It's over... she's already out).
Plan on that totally. Read the 180, you gotta got there at this point. That's what you can do.
And then see the attorney and get on with it.

I have serious doubt that this other gig is much more than a lot of physical attraction and lust.
From what you said they can sexually communicate and that's it. A big trauma (or exhilaration) in life have a natural 3 month time limit.
The massive physical change that happens to us biochemically is on the decline after 3 months, different level response according to what it was.
That's true about a death, winning a big lottery thing and then the "shiny" new thing.

Be ready for anything, but start planning your exit and go there until it seriously changes.

A big trauma in life have a natural 3 month time limit.

boy, I wish.

Hi Brokenheartedmom

I am so sorry you had to find us. It sucks, but you will get through this.

Please know that there is nothing you did that caused your wife to cheat. NOTHING. Perfect marriages don’t exist, but she made conscious choices to cheat rather than discuss with you, go to counseling, divorce… lots of non-cheating ways to handle it. So don’t let her put any blame on you.

Meanwhile:
1) Get STD tested ASAP. Don’t have sex with her until you both have clean bill of health. Liars lie, and unfortunately we often have sex even with liars.
2) See a lawyer ASAP. You have three kids and you must learn your rights and what Divorce (D) might look to protect yourself and your kids.
Keep an eye on all your finances… anything she is spending on her AP (affair partner) is family money.
3) Take care of yourself. Eat healthfully, get some exercise, get some sleep, drink lots of water. A healthy body will help you get through this. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor. Many of us needed short-term help like anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds to help us through. Avoid alcohol (ask me how I know).
4) Have you looked at IC (individual counseling)? This is a real mind-f*ck and a good trauma-informed IC can help you navigate. Also who do you have IRL to talk to? Now is a good time to pull your posse together.
5) Read in the Healing library (upper left corner) about the 180. It’s a great way to emotionally detach so you can think straight while you go through this. It’s hard initially to follow, but it really helps.

Hang in there. You will get through this.
-BB

I’m sorry you had to find this site but glad you did. This is not your fault and you will get through it. Look at all the things she has to overlook to make this a perfect scenario in her fantasy. This will not last but now you know what she is capable of and need to prepare to leave. See a lawyer ASAP. Be willing to lose the marriage to save it, 180 her and take control of this and the kids going forward.

I know it’s hurts worse than anything right now. I just want to reassure you, you will get through it and you will be great. Best Wishes to you.

[This message edited by Tanner at 6:31 PM, September 16th (Thursday)]

Sorry to say, but doing anything to get her to stay would just be playing the pick-me dance.

Your best bet is to start getting your ducks in a row to protect yourself and the future of your children.

If the woman is an undocumented alien your wife is trying to get you divorced and married as quickly as possible. She can then marry this woman and protect her from being deported. I don’t know if it’s something you want to think about but if you know she’s undocumented you can report it. Nothing might be done in time and it will certainly alienate both of them from your life forever. Please get your finances in a row.

brokenheartedmom- I am so sorry, I can’t imagine what your going through. This is not your fault. I’m not a big fan of reconciliation but even if I were, your WW is obviously not a candidate. She’s treating you so horribly. Why isn’t she living with her gf? I would ask her to leave. I don’t have much advice other than contact an attorney asap, 18, and take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry for you.

I was in your shoes. Not a nanny/illegal undocumented worker issue but we have very similar circumstances.

My H had a mid life crisis affair and was ready to D me after knowing this woman (much younger than him) for 3 months. She was ready, willing and looking forward to replacing me. Ha! Not so fast b$tch!

At the 6 month mark from dday1 I was blindsided with Dday2 and false reconciliation (he’s still cheating snd I think we are moving forward with the marriage and the affair had ended). Ha! What a stupid fool I was.

I can tell you at dday2 I had enough and I biked his world. All of a sudden he doesn’t want a D and I’m the love of his life blah blah blah. Hours earlier he was demanding a D yet again.

Long story short I told him get out! And I gave him no power or control over me or kids. Yes he was texting OW in front of me and flaunting his affair. He cared more about the OW than the pain and disrespect he was inflicting on me.

If your spouse is intent on a D — there isn’t much you can do except financially protect yourself snd kids. Get a lawyer. ASAP!

And when she decided to comes crawling back to you after this little "fling" blows up in her face and she’s learned she’s being used, then it will be up to you to protect you and your kids. By then the damage may be done and you will have moved on.

But you must protect yourself and yourself kids. Again I’m sorry for you. We did Reconcile (even though I planned to D him). We are happy too.

But he knows not to cross me and he knows I will leave him — and I don’t need a reason.

Thank you everyone for the kind words.

I do have a lawyer, as does she. I also do have a therapist and we are going through the motions of couples therapy but she has made it abundantly clear that she's just doing it to learn how best to coexist/coparent. First mediation scheduled for the end of the month, and it is my goal to figure out a way to get primary physical custody but it sounds like it will be an uphill battle in my state (MD). Ugh.

I have still been fighting for the marriage but I think soon I am going to transition to the 180, for my sake mostly. I get angrier with each passing day by the awful way I'm being treated and disregarded. No, the pick me game is not working and for whoever said get tested; no worries, my wife is hardly looking at me let alone touching me. I am now the "other woman" and to do anything with me would be betraying the AP. So f'ing crazy. I truly no longer know my wife. She has always been SO kind and compassionate and I just don't understand how people can turn on a dime. I guess this is pretty typical of an affair fog.

Wife and AP are super impatient to start their fantasy together so I am doing my part to drag everything out in hopes that AP gets impatient (wife is so obsessed that I don't anticipate her going anywhere anytime soon). At a minimum I do not want AP in the lives of my young children, regardless of what happens to my marriage.

Your story and many stories like this are quite similar- your wife is caught up on this little fantasy that’s not going to last forever
And it’s obvious that the nanny is trying to do anything in her power to get her to leave you.
But you need to do the 180 and stop wasting time! You know the ins and outs, you dont need to do no digging or anything, it’s all out there in the open- you need to just focus on kids on you and move on- just get your life back.
I know it’s hard and eating you alive seeing your wife like this with the ‘nanny hoe’ but seriously for now she has made that decision and it seems like she isn’t going to back down.
Stop worrying and stop focussing on them, stop giving them idiots any attention etc, the more you show your feeling of hurt to your wife and anger the more you’re pushing your wife to the nanny -
Your wife already knows how upset you are ,
Stop reminding her it’s not solving anything also the more you show your feelings of hurt the nanny feeds on it ,remember that!!!!
Do the 180 don’t ever stop even if it leads to divorce.

I am no expert, am only two months in to this shit show. But was also in a same sex relationship so thought I would check in and see how you are doing.

Thank you everyone.

I wish this would all go away. My previous life feels like a dream.

I want to believe this affair will not last. I could tolerate the divorce if I knew this other woman wasn't going to be a part of my children's lives (and my life). I don't think I can handle that toxicity long-term. What concerns me is the motivation on both sides to make their union legal. One person wants citizenship and security. The other person is in complete affair fog and cannot see straight.

I could tolerate the divorce if I knew this other woman wasn't going to be a part of my children's lives (and my life).

Unfortunately, you will eventually have to accept that as a likely possibility. The most you can do is keep the children out of the crossfire and be the stable parent in this mess.

The other person is in complete affair fog and cannot see straight.

And as long as that's where she chooses to stay, you can't help her. Some WS only snap out of the 'fog' many years after destroying everything that truly mattered, and some never snap out of it and choose to remain rooted in their delusion.

All you can do is keep focusing on/protecting yourself and the children.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 5:25 AM, Wednesday, September 22nd]

As you know the affair fog is like an addiction. Your STBX is incapable of making a rational decision with such irrational behavior.

My H almost did the same thing but luckily came to his senses after 6 months. But not after demanding a D on numerous occasions.

You can always call immigration and report her. Just as a way to keep her away from your children.

Oh BrokenHeartedMomof3,

My heart absolutely breaks for you - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also a mother of two young children (ages 1 and 3.5) so I understand what it feels to be "in it" right now. I cannot imagine dealing with infidelity on top of that. (((BHMo3)))

Their speed on this is unbelievable - this absolutely sounds like affair fog/limerence if you are interested in reading more about that phenomenon. Please ensure you are taking care of yourself. As you are keenly aware, your wife is no longer looking out for your interests. I know it is hard - especially with little ones and a checked-out spouse but it is more important than ever to do so. That means getting appropriate sleep, eating, drinking water (limit alcohol!), and exercise. It will help you keep your head clear or as clear as possible in the circumstances. If you are having trouble with any of the above, I suggest seeing your doctor to see if (s)he can prescribe you something.

If you're having trouble focusing at work (again, super normal) - it is worth having a chat with you employer to see if they are able to accommodate you in the short-term. You will know better than anyone whether that is likely to be an option.

Next, do you have family/a network/community you can call on to help out with the kids? I absolutely understand not wanting the AP anywhere near your babies. As far as your social circles go, in this instance I would absolutely recommend disclosing the A and your wife's recent actions to family and shared friends. Sometimes la-la-land with all the magical unicorns and fairies seems a little less sparkly when you have to deal with the shame and judgement of others.

Finally, it is likely impossible for you to get any physical space from your spouse at this time given the age of your children, but I would highly recommend implementing as much of the 180 as you possibly can. You can read about that in the Healing Library. Given your wife's insistence on divorce, you should also probably schedule a consult with a lawyer so you have an idea of what to expect and what you will likely be entitled to.

Keep reading and posting. You *WILL* get through this, I promise.

the1stwife - I wish I could call immigration but I don't think this is something they would do anything with, plus I'm sure that would totally wipe out ANY chance of reconciliation AND make the two of them feel even desperate to be together, you know?

Yes, it is a complete addiction. If I reported some of the CRAZY things that are going on, you would be shocked. My wife is displaying a complete, complete lack of judgment and sanity, quite frankly. I want to believe it will catch up to her and she'll snap out of the fog too. I know there are no guarantees, but if I knew this ridiculous affair was going to implode, I could rest a little easier.

I know I need to stop hanging onto hope... but your story does give me a bit of hope; the fact that you somehow reconciled in spite of potential divorce.

BHMo3,

Just checking in. How are you doing today?

Just checking in. How are you doing today?

Hey there. Thank you for checking in. It has been a really hard week, for whatever reason. My wife is still in the house and plans to be until there is a separation or divorce with custody sorted out. Meanwhile she is carrying on with the affair in plain sight. Leaving early for work, going out at night to meet the AP. It's an impossible situation. She has also starting drinking a LOT more, smoking pot (which she always did, nightly, but now it's way more), just altogether a mess. I've tried to reach out to her friends, the very few she's confided in, but they are completely ignoring me which makes me feel like she is spinning some awful story about me to them, so that feels great.

I see so many people on here with the signatures indicating they've reconciled, and I can't help but grasp onto that hope that SOMEthing will change in the upcoming months as we go through the mediation process. Increasingly it feels like it's not going to happen, unless the AP decides to end things. My wife is just wayyy too far in this. Just completely and utterly obsessed. So now I'm like... is there a way I can indirectly get the AP to end things? Probably not because she stands to gain SO MUCH out of a legal union with my wife.

So my only recourse right now is to slow down the divorce process as much as possible in hopes that the AP decides she doesn't want to stick around. Unlikely but it's all I have at the moment.

In the meantime I wouldn't say I've leaned in totally to the 180 but I'm trying to get there.

Aww, that must be horrible to watch. Follow the 180 don’t engage or get emotional in front of her (I know, not easy to do). Rage in private, and just know you are on the right side of this. Sending strength, you got this.