SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this is unhealthy, but I am fixated on driving a wedge between my wife and the AP. I can't explain it. My wife is essentially trying to replace me with her; dangling the idea of mothering them (!) in front of the AP as an incentive to spend her life with her. And I'm sorry, but I am having a hard time accepting the idea of the AP mothering the children I struggled to conceive and give birth to, the children whose lives SHE is in the process of trying to destroy. And not only that, my wife has only been engaged in this affair with her for 2.5 months. We have only KNOWN her since April. This is not someone I am comfortable having as a fixture in my kids' lives, especially since they are so young.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I have thought of sending her an email (since we don't speak the same language) -- not to be threatening but to try to reason with her? I know. Unrealistic right? I mean this woman is not even gay. She doesn't even identify as bisexual. She just wants my wife, because my wife has been so present and sexually available and effusive and, well, obsessive... and of course she is promising marriage which equals citizenship and security. The whole thing is insane.

I want to believe this won't last. If it was a normal affair, I might be able to believe it, but because my wife is DEEP in limerence or affair fog or whatever and because the AP is so motivated to get what she needs out of a legal union, I'm just not sure.

I don't know what to do. I can't just let it go because of how it affects my young kids.

There's two big things here.
It's Momma Bear and the Cubs time. You know your job. Protect the kids.
The second: this might well be over. It's time to play it like it will and it's 180 time and oppose these two love birds on anything having to do with the kids. That whole thing with them sounds pretty toxic. One of those flash bang things where the brimstone hasn't even completely cleared yet and they're ready to run off with the kids somewhere over the rainbow where the unicorns fart out roses.
Be the cornerstone, standing in front of your children. Start there, the rest will do what it does.

rugswept, what can I do though? I live in a 50/50 default state and while I am trying to do what I can to build a case for primary custody, I just don't know what more I can do at this point. My kids are almost 1, almost 4, and 8. They stand to lose SO MUCH in this chaos. And yes, you are right. We haven't even gone to our first mediation yet and she's acting like she is engaged to this person, planning housing and futures and making promises to her about everything under the sun.

I know everyone has recommended the 180 but I am afraid it'll further push the two of them together.

You may want to tread very carefully though. You don't want to do something rash and ended up not getting even 50/50 custody. It is a hard pill to swallow but think long and hard before you do anything that could jeopardize your chance in the custody battle.

Good luck.

broken-

but I am afraid

This is one of your biggest problems. Besides, based on your description, I’m not sure if it’s possible to push them further together. If anything, you waiting around with puppy eyes is what’s keeping them stuck like glue, you’re their common enemy. The ho knows you want your wife to dump her and with you hovering in the wings, your wife is going to work overtime to show her she’s committed to her and not you. Maybe your wife will become interested in you again if she sees you moving on. Two of the biggest pieces of advice you will receive here is:

1. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it
2. You can’t control the outcome

What you’re doing now, ruefully waiting, isn’t helping. You came here for advice, please take it. Your wife doesn’t want you. It hurts I know, hurts like hell. But you are only extending your pain by refusing to accept that. Stop excusing her with the "fog" Maybe she’ll change her mind but you being her hanger-on isn’t effective. Maybe she’ll come to realize what she stands to lose if she sees it slipping from her. But if she doesn’t, you can’t control that. Read the stories more extensively here, the people who do what you’re doing, don’t stand a chance. Those who start to live for themselves are more likely to reconcile and if they don’t, they come out of the separation much more intact. I’m not purporting that it’s easy, I’m not saying it’s fair, I’m just pointing out to you what your reality is and what’s tour best course.

I have thought of sending her an email (since we don't speak the same language) -- not to be threatening but to try to reason with her?

Unfortunately, you won't get anywhere in trying to reason with the AP. She knows that she is with a married woman and she doesn't care. Both she and your wife are playing you and neither cares.

I know everyone has recommended the 180 but I am afraid it'll further push the two of them together.

I don't believe you can do anything to "push them closer" because they ARE ALREADY LIVING THEIR LIVES in front of you.

AP is so motivated to get what she needs out of a legal union,

You need to stop focusing on the AP. Yes, she's scum. But your wife is the one who was committed to you. Focus on her and co-parenting your three children.

My kids are almost 1, almost 4, and 8. They stand to lose SO MUCH in this chaos.

Living in an unhealthy situation and setting the example you are currently setting by allowing the infidelity to continue in front of them is worse. They are young and resilient and will be fine if you co-parent properly.

I'm so sorry, it's a horrible thing to go through.

Old timer here.

Gonna give it to you straight, because you need to accept the facts, and the sooner you do the better off your kids are going to be.

She is gone. NOTHING you do or do not do will send her deeper than she already is, for Gods sake she is having an Affair right in front of your face. NOTHIN you did or did not do caused this. Your kids especially the older one has to be very confused right now. The sooner you put your foot down and say I will not tolerate this in my face, or in my home right now the better off you and your kids are going to be.

She has made her choice, no matter how crazy it is, you can't make her change it. No matter how improbable it seems you won't make her stop. ACCEPT THIS.

180 is written for situations exactly like yours. Your wife is openly abusing you emotionally. When you stop engaging in her insanity maybe she will stop, most likely she won't but at least you stop being hurt. 180 isn't to manipulate or change the abuser. It is to allow the abusee some space and time to think and see the situation for it is, and to not allow the abuser to cause any more pain.

I would report this woman to ICE, and any other authorities you can TODAY!!!! Your kids don't need an illegal caring for them.
It's time for you to stop being scared, and time for you to tap into the anger, and start making some serious changes for the sake of your sanity and your kids.

I can't just let it go because of how it affects my young kids.

Your young kids are going to be affected by the way they see your relationship playing out before them. Better to be from a broken home with one stable parent than to live in one with no parent they can truly count on.

I know everyone has recommended the 180 but I am afraid it'll further push the two of them together.

The 180 is not meant to get your wife back. It's to help you emotionally detach and protect yourself. Your wife is so deep in it that she's future planning with the AP and has no qualms replacing you. You're going to have to accept that the wife you knew is no longer here and the wife now in front of you is not on your side.

Ironically, any attempt you make to drive them apart will only serve to push them further together. Please don't destroy yourself for that. It's time to start loving yourself now. It's ok to be afraid, but that will only hold you back. Tap into your anger and let it help you push forward.

I am so sorry you are going though this. I had to learn to let go and it's the hardest thing in the world. I was with my husband for 12 years and this trashy coworker with a toddler came in and begged him to fuck her (no joke) he apparently caved and then decided he wanted her to replace me. I immediately filed for divorce and haven't spoken to him in 2ish months... this happened 5 months ago. It is truly so devastating and such a mind fuck that the person you love and trusted isn't there anymore.. or maybe never was to begin with. I'll never understand how people can do these things, BUT, it's not our responsibility to prove our value to someone. It's time to boss up and be the woman you know you can be. This will be the hardest thing ever but you can do it. Why would you want to be with someone you doesn't love, respect or care about your well being? Try to look at it from an outside perspective (so hard I know) but that helped me. I imagined my best friend going through something like this and what I would say to her etc. About how she deserves so much fucking more, she will be ok once she gets through the hurt etc. You can do this and you will be happy on the other side no longer living life with a liar.

Look up Stephanie Lynn Coaching on Youtube - her videos have saved my life.

Something my therapist had me do was write a list of things I loved and loathed about him lol and (not) surprisingly the loath list was a lot longer. Personally, I tried to justify and apologize for my STBXH shitty behavior, character flaws and plain dick-ish behavior for years. Think about what she was truly adding to your life. Was she really supportive, loving, etc?

How have you been doing?

Sending you big hugs.

[This message edited by tealmermaid at 5:05 PM, Monday, October 4th]

Hi tealmermaid and thank you for checking in.

You're right, it isn't my job to convince someone to love and value me.

But I guess your post hits on what I am having so much trouble with. My wife WAS supporting and loving. This truly came out of nowhere. There weren't red flags or anything (not until the affair started). Our marriage wasn't perfect, and we both made compromises, but we were also in the THICK of the difficult times in a marriage. An infant, two older challenging kids, financial stress due to daycare and whatever else. Covid. But we were a team, and we put everything into ensuring our kids had a happy childhood -- and maybe at the expense of working on our marriage -- but we both did absolutely everything for our family.

You're right, looking at it from the outside, she is a piece of shit who doesn't deserve me OR our children. But those who know us are in a state of shock along with me. It is just so unlike her, and I know it's fairly typical but damn.

I had a hard weekend. Lots of tears. I'm not sure why... I have days when I'm angrier and days when I'm just so hopelessly sad and the last week has been a lot of hopelessness.

Report the OW of she is in the country illegally.

At least then there is no issue of her being around your children.

Then if you do D use that against the STBX as a means of her unsound judgement.

You're right, looking at it from the outside, she is a piece of shit who doesn't deserve me OR our children. But those who know us are in a state of shock along with me. It is just so unlike her, and I know it's fairly typical but damn.

I was in complete shock as well. It is still mind-blowing and just so devastating. You cannot get her out of this though, the more you do to show her your worth, remind her of the love you have for her, will push her away even more. You need to go grey rock (since you have kids) or I would 100% recommend no contact. Grey rock means when you talk with her, you show no emotion, you don't engage, you are calm and discuss ONLY the children and possible divorce. I know this is extremely hard. All you want to do is talk to her, you want her to stop your hurting, you literally want to scream into the phone "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Cant you see you are ruining our family?!" I know the exact gut wrenching feeling. It literally is a physical pain in your body.

The point is that she is in this affair and you can't pull her out. Pull away and do the 180. You deserve that for yourself. Not all of them come groveling back. I don't know what will happen in this situation but even if she did come back, could you really trust her again? I know for me, if my husband came back and I gave him another chance, there would be constant chaos in my mind that he would do this again. "Why are you home late? Who are you with on your business trip? Why are you working out so much? etc" It would be terrible for me.

I am so sorry you have had a teary few weeks. It will get better. At 3 months you'll feel better and at 6 months you will feel even better.

What are somethings you can do for just yourself that bring you happiness? Hiking? Taking a new class like pottery or yoga? I think things that nourish your soul (even when you are so sad) will help.

I am so sorry you are here and dealing with this heartbreak. Im here for you.

[This message edited by tealmermaid at 1:06 AM, Monday, October 11th]

It is just so unlike her

It's the real her.

tealmermaid, thank you for your post. Yeah you encapsulated the feeling pretty well. I just want to shake her out of this. I don't know if I will ever get over the shock. We had a particularly awful, awful night this past week that brought out a rage in her I have never in 16 years seen before. She just seems to harbor so much resentment about... what? About the unhappiness she's felt over the years, the ways she's felt taken for granted and unappreciated, the mistakes I've made with our finances, which I have apologized time and again for. I don't know. I don't understand -- was she really holding onto all of this, or is she rewriting history? Probably a bit of both.

I know I need to lean into the 180/gray rock (is that the same thing basically?) -- and since that one terrible evening I have tried a bit. We had a weekend that we were all hands on deck with the kids, so it was a bit hard these last two days but I think I can get back into it and stay in it. Unfortunately nothing really makes me happy right now. I can't think of a single thing I want to do that isn't delving into some online rabbit hole about the psychology of affairs or something directly related to what I am going through, and obviously that isn't healthy.

Could I trust her again? Maybe. I would (unlike her) do whatever it takes (therapy, etc) to get our marriage back on track, given the option. Yes, for the kids, but also for me, and for us. I wouldn't be able to make any promises but I would absolutely try, in spite of everything that's gone down these last 3 months. More and more, though, it doesn't look as though I will even have the option.

I understand the pain of seeing your spouse morph into someone or something unrecognizable.

The rage and anger is there b/c you, as the current spouse, are standing in their way of whatever delusional "true love" they have for the affair partner (AP).

The cheaters need to hate the betrayed in Oder to justify the affair. As in "see? This is why I cheated! Because you cannot cook my steak perfectly!" type of mentality.

It’s rewriting the marital history. It’s done to justify the cheating and lying etc.

Please stop torturing yourself by trying to make sense of this. You cannot make sense of irrational illogical behavior. I suggest you not even try (I wasted too much time on this and it made me nuts!)

My Cheating H literally told me that "the only reason I married him" was for reasons other than love. He had no money or assets or anything so it was not that I married him for his $. That comment was so ludicrous I literally just smirked at him and walked away. To this day (8 years later) it still hurts he would even think that!! But I know he just says it at the time b/c he wanted the OW and he was acting like a spoiled two year old child and just lashed out.

Just like your situation, the cheaters say the most hurtful, often outlandish things to justify their CHEATING!!!

I got it, I get it.........you are not a two faced liar.

And yet, you need to keep up a façade just to exist......to try to hold together your family, and all that still means to you.

Don't lose your core. Show strength as much as you can. Pray.

Confide in those whom you trust,: a parent, a sibling, a true friend. (You are not alone soul sister)

Do whatever it takes. Cry, yell, walk, hug......feel, and breathe. Trust that the wounds will heal.

BHMo3 - How are you doing lately. Any updates on your situation?

Hey BrokenHearted - how are you doing?

Just wanna say I'm thinking of you. I know sometimes the comments here can feel harsh (I remember those early weeks/months all too well, it's just so painful, and adding the open infidelity is soul crushing).

Just hoping you are OK.

Hugs.

Thank you, everyone for checking in. Not a great deal of progress over here.

Things have mostly been "stable" between us and that is because I am doing my best to 180 this. I've stopped asking/accusing, and meanwhile her behavior regarding the AP hasn't changed. Same daily routine of seeing one another in the mornings, and other times as well when they are able. Still constantly texting. I'm just trying to not let it obviously affect me. And I think I do see my wife trying to engage more as a result. I'm still trying to hold back as much as I can without being cold.

We did have a first mediation session on 11/3, which went totally sideways because in my wife's words, she was "blindsided" (LOL) by my lawyer's proposal for primary physical custody as well as some other things. One major sore point for her is that she hasn't yet legally adopted our 1 year old daughter (biologically all kids are mine and as the second parent if she wants the same legal standing as me, she has to go through second parent adoption -- this is standard in same-sex marriages). In my state she can go to court and for what's called "de facto" parent status and seek custody that way, and she would likely get it because my state sucks, but I'll be damned if I'm going to just sign over the adoption given everything she is continuing to put me through. Anyway -- so it was SUPER tense over here in the days after mediation. She was making a big show of tending to the kids' needs and taking photos with the baby and posting them to Facebook etc. Yet STILL meeting up with the AP instead of helping me in the mornings, which, with 3 kids, tend to be hectic as hell. So, she is continuing to do all the wrong things, which speaks to how "in the fog" she is. Drinking a lot, too. Generally, spiraling.

A week or so after mediation things settled between us again, and I think she wants to try to talk without lawyers next. We'll see if/when that happens.

I can tell that things between her and the AP are becoming increasingly unstable but she is determined to make it work and is just throwing herself on her. I get the feeling she feels she is in so deep at this point, and screwed up so much, that she just HAS to ensure that it works now, or risk losing absolutely everything and being miserable and alone (and looking even more stupid than she already looks).

I do still want the chance to come back from all of this, but I recognize that isn't happening anytime soon and not without a great deal of individual therapy and maybe AA for her, couples therapy, and so much time and work.

Anyway, not sure what the next steps are. She could file, but I don't think she wants to without trying to talk again first (without lawyers). I think it'll be quite some time before a custody agreement/determination is made and someone moves out. So I do have time on my side, and if nothing else, that will put pressure on her and the AP and hopefully that will stat to fizzle out and then we can have an honest conversation about how to proceed.