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I'm getting my feelings out with a parody

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 JulyDD (original poster Member #75053) posted at 5:58 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

** Disclaimer**

If you aren't feeling that humor is helpful, this is not the post for you. But if you feel you can laugh, maybe this will be for you. I know my H is to blame. Writing this made me laugh, so please, no lectures about not blaming OW. Feel free to respond with your own imaginary letter to your wayward's AP. ***

My Imaginary Letter to my Husband's ex Mistress:

Dear Lady Who Drinks A Lot:

We've never met but I do want to first extend heartfelt condolences on the loss of your husband in 2016. I know that your grief was a bit assuaged starting in 2018 when you began sleeping with my husband! Nothing says "I cherish the sanctity of marriage and the memories of the love of my life," more than sleeping with another woman's husband! Especially when you know that she has no idea he is flying out of town to meet up with you. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard of this grief strategy...amiright?

I didn't learn about your affair until 2020 and boy howdy! Was I one surprised lady! It turns out, the whole time I was worried that my husband was suffering from depression and I spent a lot of sincere and heartfelt time and money to help him-he was just lying, gaslighting and pretending to be on pesky work trips or guy's snowmobile trips. It's just hilarious to realize that maybe, just maybe, in addition to him not being a world class ass hat, you had maybe tried dating someone who was single! It's mostly on him, I get that. But I wish you could have done me a solid by not participating. That's crazy talk I know.

One of the most fun things I found out was that you invited him to be your date at a wedding! That's so cool. I'm sure the happy couple would have loved knowing that the guy at Table 8 with the bloated gal with bad hair extensions, was in fact, married to a loving wife about 3 hours by plane away! Good times. You knew he lived at home and that I was worried sick. Now now, don't get feisty, of course he knew too. But surely you, with all your charm and beauty had at least a few other options in the greater ATL area? No? That's a head scratcher. But I'm sure glad you had a date to the wedding.

The laughs just never stopped once I found out. You always knew my name. So I'm sure you had some fun looking at my social media. I was such a nut! I didn't think my husband had a girlfriend in another city, so I just had family and vacation photos up for the lookin'. I'm wacky like that.

Once I knew who you were, naturally I took a peek at yours. It was really neat to cross reference the known timeline of his visits to you and your FB. Boy you sure posted a lot about that dead husband and all sorts of deep thoughts about "character/love/honor/marriage" at the same time. Thank you so much, by the way, for having a publicly available picture of my husband with you and a bunch of your lady friends at a bar. I love seeing it. It was beyond gracious of you to not only post it, but have it in several locations. Your friends must be wonderful women. The fact that no one has encouraged you to take it down, just speaks volumes about the depth of character you surround yourself with. I guess they all knew he was married. My gal pals and I often, upon learning of our friend's new married boyfriend, say, "You do you, girl!!!" We support each other like that.

I feel like I'm getting to know you from your FB public rants about various businesses in your area "Don't do business with XYZ!" It's really classy of you to call out local business owners that you've had negative dealings with. It shows me how you operate and I like what I see. You also rant a fair amount about your dealings with the general public. Good for you! Give 'em hell, my friend! On your FB! That's the spirit!

Speaking of seeing. You're a lady who really enjoys a night out at a bar, aren't you? I've never seen a woman in her mid 50s have so many pictures of herself in a bar with random men. It looks as if, and I could be wrong here, that it's super important to you to be seen as desirable and "hot."
Mission accomplished, my friend! Those bleary eyed gentlemen that you seem to find everywhere for a quick selfie, certainly says, "That's one in demand lady" to me. None of the gentlemen are ever seen again. Each bar visit seems to have its own photo op with a new fellow. I'm just spitballing here, but did you ever consider that a few of these men might just be numb nuts who stupidly took a pic in a bar with a stranger? And you've got them up for perpetual public view on your FB? Don't worry if your actions might cause trouble for someone (and I'm betting a few of said gentlemen are married/engaged in a relationship). It's just for kicks, right? Forget I said anything.

I have to believe you had the most magical, soul mate connection in your last marriage. The natural way to grieve isn't to take that special love that you've known and carry on with decency as a way to honor your departed spouse. It seems to make more sense to, not fall in love but just fill some time with a man who you really don't care about. Now that I write it, that DOES seem the best way to demonstrate to yourself and the world that you know what an amazing love looks like. Good on ya!

You're clearly a savvy business lady. A Realtor. I capitalized the R just to show I take you seriously. The pale denim blazer with the bold ecru lace border just screams "Serious Business Only." Great wardrobe choice. I heard Goldman is doing headshots soon and most of the ladies are searching for pale denim blazers. You've started something.

I need to run. You see my marriage actually didn't make it. But we started a new one instead. One where we are working really really hard to not have one of us **cough cough him** take our energy and put it outside the marriage. We are invited to a wedding in a month and I did decide to ask the married neighbor across the street if he would be my date. I'm super stoked. It's not a strange choice at all. Is it?

posts: 73   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2020
id 8688393
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landclark ( Member #70659) posted at 1:09 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I love this and would absolutely send it. Lol

Thanks for the laugh! I need to attempt my own.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1911   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8688410
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DeceivedInDetroit ( New Member #79302) posted at 1:59 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

This is really hilarious, and it point out something I've been thinking: these people have some really twisted logic.

My husband's AP was the one who confronted me, because I am standing in the way of their happiness. (Not for much longer.) But I understood from her conversation that she divorced her husband because he cheated on her. This seemed to be a way of telling me she has some solidarity with me.

Muddled minds. Twisted logic. All the deep thought memes, duck lipped selfies, and snaps of the kids are not going to add up to integrity, but they keep fighting anyone who challenges that.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8688414
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Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 3:02 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Bravo! It never ceases to amaze me how some of these butt nuggets justify their behavior. Love your dry sense of humor and acerbic wit! I certainly hope you're sharing all this with your WH in spades!

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8688422
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Julie4j ( New Member #79285) posted at 3:14 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Great post. It’s like they manufacture these women somewhere and launch them out into the world to see if any shallow, stupid husbands latch on.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2021
id 8688424
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 JulyDD (original poster Member #75053) posted at 4:53 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Thanks for the replies, everyone! The pen is mightier than the sword and I truly felt lighter after writing this. Maybe I will send it someday. But for now, it really helped me.

posts: 73   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2020
id 8688450
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Thumbs up!

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25978   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688455
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outofsorts ( Member #70701) posted at 1:31 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Fantastic!!!! laugh laugh laugh laugh

Me(BW): 40
WH: 40
Married 7 years, together 20.
Dday 2/22/19
Reconciling

posts: 327   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2019
id 8688541
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 1:35 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Yes!!! Love this!

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2792   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8688542
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 1:36 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:36 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2792   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8688543
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 3:52 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Loved this 😂🤣🤩

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 181   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8688557
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:09 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Really well done! But oh so true!

If I had to pen a letter to the last OW, it would go like this;

Dear Tattoo Girl:

My H is not your soul mate. He never was. He’s just a middle aged guy going through a mid life crisis who believes an affair is the answer to his "problems" or unhappiness.

And if I can add to the artwork you have tattooed all over your body, I would suggest a tattoo of the word Adulterer in s prominent spot. I know the boobs and chest and arms are filled with tattoos. Perhaps maybe your neck or forehead or whatever - I think you get the point.

And now that you are married you had better hold onto that husband of yours. Because one day you will turn 50 too and I hope.you don’t have some young woman trying to break up your marriage. Because YOU will never survive it.

Signed,

Karma’s a Bitch

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688580
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Notaboringwife ( Member #74302) posted at 8:40 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Loved it!

Here is my imaginary letter:

Dear 70 year old woman who drinks lots,

Please do keep on drinking your wine every day…days of wine and roses.

But wait, no more roses for you…as my husband dumped you after living with you for only three months. The one concrete thing you have left out of this charade you had with my husband is the alcohol. I don’t feel bad for you, no, no. Alcohol will keep you happy.

Oh but wait, there is more. I know you wanted to take my place. And you did for three drunken months. Congratulations on that.

But there is an old saying and it goes like this:
« If someone is willing to cheat with you, they will cheat on you. As much as you hate to believe it, you’re not the exception to the rule. »

Guess what dear older woman, your love had a younger second widow he was wooing out of town. You were never exclusive. He was cheating on you all the time he was with you. Ouch! I bet you never suspected this out of the one you so happily welcomed into your house. It’s no wonder he was also drinking like there was no tomorrow, not because it made him feel good, but because he was coping with all his secrets, and drinking made him feel omnipotent. Well just like you.

Raise your glass to this news! Mind you it’s old news, but what the hell. You are in it already.

Oh and the next time you get this drunken urge to contact my husband, please do. Nothing will be your answer.

Why do you punish yourself so much? Have another one on me will you?

Cheers!

"Healing is not about moving on or "getting over it," it’s about learning to make peace with our pain and finding purpose in our lives again."

posts: 208   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8688642
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BoundaryBuilder ( New Member #78439) posted at 10:34 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Ohhhhhh I want to play too! laugh

Here's my parody letter:

Dear Gal Who Texts a Lot:

Although we’ve never met I feel like I know you. Reading your texts and Facebook instant messages to my H, getting to know all about you via Internet snooping has been a gas. Time well spent. Your online history is fascinating! So different from the financially solvent, independent, light and breezy persona you showed my H. Like you have an evil twin. That is so cool! I always thought it would be neat to have a twin. Digging up your dirt was compelling. It was like reading a good book I just couldn’t put down. Or, maybe it was more like driving by a gruesome auto wreck where you know you shouldn't look, but you do anyway. You know, like that old driver's ed film "Red Asphalt." You're old enough to remember that one. Yup, your life is like "Red Asphalt" and I love that about you. Kudos on the sheer number and broad scope of your online judicial records - evidence of a life lived with gusto. Multiple marriages/divorces, credit card default, defaults on your mortgage (your house went into foreclosure TWICE wow that’s impressive), cops coming to your address to arrest some guy for domestic violence and so on. You are one lady who likes living on the edge! My favorite online factoid was the one where you owe the trash company thousands of dollars. So much money they put a lien on your house! Must have taken years of being a deadbeat on the trash bill to get to that point. That took tenacity – good for you!

Well, that’s enough gushing about your cool bad girl evil twin. What I’m really reaching out to you about is to compliment your writing abilities. Your texting finesse is inspirational! Your emoji use --- sheer poetry! Your texts are so elegantly spare, so deliberately minimal. Like Haiku. I bet digitally seducing my H took only a few minutes out of your day. I admire your efficiency. In fact, your texting routine is so finely honed it’s like a well-programed chat bot. That’s a compliment! The way you reflected right back to my H what he just said while keeping the focus on you was brilliant. I especially appreciated your use of the words "I" "Me" or "My" in practically every text to keep it all about you. Idle chitchat about music, films, TV, sports or just about anything that would take the focus off the task at hand (stroking my H's ego and getting ego kibble out of him) was studiously avoided. That must have been difficult! I feel for you there. You obviously maintain strict discipline while plying your craft. And, the many years of diligent practice on lots of men to get your drill dialed in just right must have been grueling. Much respect for all that hard work! Which has clearly paid off. As they say, the proof is in the pudding - and in my H’s computer hard drive. Another stellar example of your winning ways with a cell phone = the way you gradually habituated my H to your standard routine by texting him first thing in the morning and again last thing at night. So clever! And the way you incrementally (and methodically) turned up the sexual tension from a simmer to a boil. Kind of like slowly boiling the proverbial frog in the proverbial pot of hot water. But my H was the frog LOL. Well done! Speaking of hot water, you sure enjoy taking a "nice long hot bath." A lot. Me too! And you sure appreciate your "nice soft warm bed." A lot. Me too! All that talk about bed and bath sure is sexy. Gee, we’ve got so much in common besides my H. We could be BFF!

Anyhooooo, I’ve got to run. My H is grilling dinner for me on the deck of our beautiful home (with a paid off mortgage) located in our expensive neighborhood. But you learned all about that when you eyeballed our net worth didn’t you? Sorry your plan to poach my H didn’t work out. Failing to bag half my marital nest egg must have been frustrating (insert frownie face emoji). Not realizing your fantasy to ride off into retirement on the back of my H's Harley (or in the passenger seat of our BMW sedan) was a big disappointment for you. But you’re a spunky gal who doesn’t give up easily. On to the next guy! Hey, I've been thinking, why don’t you share your texting routine withe a broader audience – like Twitter? That’s a great idea! Fishing old high school boyfriends on Facebook is so limiting. Trawling for men on Twitter will certainly get you more bites. I’d love to share some of my ideas for your Twitter campaign. How about #BedBathAndBeyondSuperwhore for a re-tweet? You could tweet that every time you mention your "nice long hot bat" or "nice soft warm bed." That hash tag could hook you a big fish. It's hash tag gold! Take it. It’s yours. I’ve got a million more hash tag ideas that do you justice. Call me.

XXXXOOO

laugh

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:53 AM, Friday, September 17th]

Married 31 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 62
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
DDay=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8688854
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 JulyDD (original poster Member #75053) posted at 12:33 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Thank you to the writers of other imaginary letters. I have been crying with laughter. Some really funny stuff here. I hope it’s been as cathartic for you as it has been for me.

posts: 73   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2020
id 8688876
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