Newest Member: faithfulMan911

General :
Cake and eating it, confused

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 Gracey (original poster New Member #79334) posted at 12:34 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Wondering if anyone else has experienced this and can help me understand if I am dealing with a narcissist. I am really struggling to get my head round compartmentalising. My WH has always seemed a decent guy until the revelation of the OW 2 years ago and I saw a whole new side to him. Its was like aliens had abducted the person I knew. I look back and wonder just how long this has or had been going on with them and if what I thought was her disrespect has actually been evidence of a relationship. Now when we are away its like WH is his old self again , loving, caring & declaring love and with actions to match and yet as soon as we return home he becomes different. Its subtle yet there is a definite change and my gut tells me she is still around. I just can’t get my head round how he can maintain two relationships and why anyone would want to live with the pressure it must bring.

Together 33 years Married. 17 years

posts: 9   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8688245
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:47 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

That’s the selfish lying cheater you are married to. When he’s alone with you he’s the guy you married.

When the OW is available he’s the lying cheating jerk. You see he has to justify his behavior to himself so he doesn’t feel guilty or bad d out his choices. So you as his wife are the reason he cheats.

As in -/ you didn’t cook his dinner the way he likes it. You asked him to take out the garbage or repair the leaky faucet. You don’t buy his favorite ice cream. You bag him about his spending or drinking or whatever it is he can find you make you the bad guy.

I lived with that back and forth behavior during my H’s affair. He even planned a beautiful 25th wedding anniversary for us. The next week he was seeing the OW (yet again) and I was back to being the worst wife on earth.

Trust you instincts. And start investigating.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688248
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 8:24 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

In your case, your H has never admitted to an A. So you aren't in R as you claim. I would probably start there. He needs to agree that there was an EA, agree it was wrong, atone for that wrongdoing. Before any of that happens, you are just rugsweeping.

If, for the sake of the argument, you have done much more work than is explained in your story:

I'm not here to make excuses for WH's behavior here, but is it possible that work stress alone is enough to change his behavior when home vs. away on vacation? I know that I for one am much more attentive, etc. on vacation than when I'm dealing with all the stress of work.

It's easy to be lovey dovey when you don't have four deliverables breathing down your neck, no worries about school or behavior from the kids, and no chores to do.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1325   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8688313
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Evertrying ( Member #60644) posted at 8:36 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

My husband was a cake eater too. When the affair ended and we starting talking, he said it was so hard to live a double life. When I busted him, I could tell he was actually relieved. duh
My H's AP was a co-worker so it was easy for him to live one life at work and another life at home. At least in the beginning. Once things started in intertwine, (his AP was becoming more demanding of his time) it wasn't so easy anymore. He did NOT want the two worlds to collide.
He started looking for another job MONTHS before he was caught and knew he needed to get away from her and his job. He did find another job, quit his old job and never looked back.
They are complete shit bags when they are cake eaters.
He now looks back and doesn't know he did what he did and doesn't know how he maintained two relationships. He doesn't know how he lied not only to me, his AP AND himself to the point that it was making him physically ill.

If in fact your husband it STILL seeing his AP, you are not in R and until he stops doing what he's doing, you never will be.

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1202   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8688315
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DeceivedInDetroit ( New Member #79302) posted at 9:47 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

When the OW is available he’s the lying cheating jerk. You see he has to justify his behavior to himself so he doesn’t feel guilty or bad d out his choices. So you as his wife are the reason he cheats.

As in -/ you didn’t cook his dinner the way he likes it. You asked him to take out the garbage or repair the leaky faucet. You don’t buy his favorite ice cream. You bag him about his spending or drinking or whatever it is he can find you make you the bad guy.

I lived with that back and forth behavior during my H’s affair. He even planned a beautiful 25th wedding anniversary for us. The next week he was seeing the OW (yet again) and I was back to being the worst wife on earth.

This is just what happened to me. My husband can be slavishly devoted to me and yet he has become mean. There's not much he can accuse me of, but he has landed on saying I am dirty and messy.

Why? If I salt my food, some salt will fall on the table or counter. He humiliated and bullied me over this until I cried. I started putting my plate in the sink of my spotless kitchen, and salting the food there. When that didn't seem to work, I started eating every meal out that I could manage.

I ate in the car, ate on the balcony, and even ate on the picnic table outside of our apartment building.
I went out to eat with him and he had to point out how dirty and messy I am because some crumbs and salt landed on the table. When I told him right then and there I had had enough, he started telling me about my bad behavior in public. When we got home, he took out the broom and dug under the stove and fridge, and between the cabinets, until he could find some tiny bits and showed me that this was proof of how dirty I am and he will not live like this. He doesn't care what my reaction is, he will break me of my dirty and messy habits.

All this while carrying on a three or four year long affair, texting other women, and yes, at times hanging all over me like a lovesick calf. Excuse me, who is badly behaved? I've been living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for the past three or four years.

I hope the OW

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8688326
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DeceivedInDetroit ( New Member #79302) posted at 9:48 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

somebody please tell me how to quote a post and how to edit a published post.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8688327
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

To quote a post you copy and paste the original post text, highlight it, then click on the quote button while the quoted text is highlighted. Or just add a quote and /quote surrounded by [ ] at the beginning and end respectively of the text to be quoted.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:15 PM, Monday, September 13th]

posts: 733   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8688331
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:46 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

In the upper right of your posts, you should see 5 icons. The middle one looks like a pen or pencil. If you click that, you'll edit your post. If you click it and nothing happens, you probably clicked someone else's post. smile

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25978   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688456
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