SumofOne (original poster Member #70948) posted at 7:35 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
Hello (again) everyone, I am not sure what has brought me back or why I am giving an update to an update of my troubled marriage. I started my way on here in 2019. Same story as many, spouse cheated (for years). I was in denial. I didn't want to hear what people tried to tell me. I frustrated many people. I had to go about things my way. Let me say I was very grateful to each and everyone who took the time to give advice. I always considered it but only really listened to myself ultimately. Does this sound familiar to any of you? Is this you now?
I went back and looked at some of my posts and man it makes me sad. Also I am embarrassed about how dishonest I was being at times. Not blatant lies but I was trying to skew the data for sure so I could hear what I wanted. The savvy veterans always saw right through it all though.
So I think my last post was titled "Finally Ready". Well the end didn't hold at that point. I do think that was the true start of me getting ready for my marriage to end though. What I can say is that leading up to current events, my WW followed what I felt was needed for her to be successful in being faithful.
So what is my current status? Today I filed for divorce. A few months ago my WW approached me and said she wasn't happy. It seems having to act as a faithful and devoted wife was just too much of a burden for her. When she said she wasn't happy, I said ok and that is all that was really discussed. I have no idea if she was up to her old ways and made no effort to find out. I won't pretend it hasn't been hard but I was committed this time to moving on. If you go back and look or remember, I am one that thinks staying for the kids is a real and valid reason to work things out. Well with that in mind I decided no matter what, I was going to hold that same value for my kids in the ending of my marriage. So I helped my WW find her new home, I helped her move, I have gone to her house to fix things etc. I do think after the dust is settled I will forever resent her but I won't ever let it show around my kids.
I had no idea who I had become. How low my self-esteem had gotten. It all happened so gradual. I am still pretty fragile but I am getting a little better all the time. I haven't really talked to anyone or tried to "date". I am pretty content with my boring little life right now. Eventually I will be ready to get back out there and I look forward to seeing that next step, but I'm not going to rush it. I know if anyone goes back you will see so many inconsistencies in my story. I can't explain that. All I can say is I wasn't myself. I haven't been for a long time but it's time for a comeback (Start Rocky theme music and training montage).
I look forward to that final update where I can come in here and post that I am divorced.
The person you would take a bullet for is behind the trigger.
This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 8:24 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
I frustrated many people. I had to go about things my way.
My observation is that we mostly have clarity when looking in from the outside. When we struggle through our own personal situation everything seems muddier.
The number of time I was certain I was headed for D... Who knows, I could come back in a few months headed for it again even though R has been pretty good for me since the beginning of this year.
I understand the rollercoaster. I understand having to learn things the hard way. I understand not living up to your own standards, then eventually finding them again.
We all need to follow our own winding path. Good luck with the one you are on now.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 9:17 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
You can look back and say you tried your best but the marriage couldn’t last.
And you divorce with no regrets b/c you did your best. You gave it 💯%.
Sorry it came to this but I hope you see over time it was the best decision.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 11:47 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
SoO, I'm relieved for you that your STBXWW was at least considerate enough to tell you directly that she was not going to stay a faithful spouse. It may not feel like it but it is a small blessing in disguise. Far better than you having another DDay or 3 while she kept stringing you along with false hope of R. This gives you the opportunity for real happiness and a real marriage based on trust and respect - things she has never and will never give you. It's also the opportunity to show your children what a good marriage can look like.
Are you in IC? Might be a good time to start if you're not. She has clearly made a mess of your life.
sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
The update that reports the end of your M will also report the beginning of your new life.
There is a D/S forum here, and I recommend looking into it. You may find it helpful.
Members can frustrate each other, but we're not here to please others. Every one of us has to follow our own paths. ETA: That means you did nothing wrong. You made a plan, found it wasn't going to work, and changed. That's cause for patting yourself on your back, so: Congratulations! Good work!
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:49 PM, Saturday, September 11th]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Tanner ( Member #72235) posted at 2:25 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021
You gave it hell Brother!!! Staying for the kids was noble plan but if she is unremorseful or unhappy you were wasting your time. It was not really helping the kids.
This post shows how much you have grown and learned since Dday. You came here in shock and didn’t buy in to what people were telling you. I think a lot us here have regrets how we handled Dday, I know for sure I do.
Here’s to your new life going forward!!!!
Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids
One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.
Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 1:02 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021
I don’t remember your story, my world blew up around the same time. Only so much bandwidth.
Do you feel that you have failed? I kind of read that in your post.
You most certainly have not. This is a journey and I suggest that you took the path needed to come to a conclusion that the M is over. Reconciliation is not the right answer for everyone. Now is your chance to live your life as YOU choose.
Congrats for arriving to the end of this journey, now you can get ready for the next one.
Just a comment. The off boarding part is a bitch, but it too ends.
Legally separated, one more step.
tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 10:24 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021
You can abosutely walk away knowing that you gave it your all, and she was too broke to take that gift.
Keep on trucking, and focusing on you and your mental and physical well being, as far as I am concerned it only gets better from here for you, OK D may have a few bumps, but the trauma and pain is over. You done allowing her to cause you pain. That my friend is a good thing.
May want to check out some other topics now, like New beginnings, and Divorce/separation.
Regardless us old timers will cheer you on.
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
SumofOne (original poster Member #70948) posted at 1:46 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021
Thank you so much everyone. To answer a few questions.
I don't feel like I failed, I know I went above and beyond to try and save this marriage. I will say one thing that is going to be hard and embarassing even is having to tell people that I am twice divorced.
I'm not in IC. I know it would be helpful, especially in moving on to future relationships. I am working on the hang ups and fears. I am not ready to give up on love. I know I am still pretty messed up. I started trying to put myself out there a little more and while it has gone pretty well, most lose interest since I am not really ready to date but that's ok.
Several of you hinted that it is a blessing or what's best. I am sure I read this or its from a movie but my thought has been this, the best thing my wife ever did for me was leave.
I sincerely hope that my ex will grow and learn from all this and not be the same person she has been. I have seen positive things from her and while it will hurt that she couldn't make those changes for me I want it to happen for stabilty with my kids.
The words of encouragement mean so much thank you a hundred times and more. Baring any set backs I should be divorced in less than 30 days.
The person you would take a bullet for is behind the trigger.
Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 3:35 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021
You said you hope your wife changes. She won’t. Our personalities are set when we are young. We come into this world with a very strong genetic code and our first few years either strengthen the good or prop up the bad. You had nothing to do with it. She was who she is from childhood. Can she stop cheating and lying? Maybe. I worked with a woman who cheated on her husband twice, then did some iffy things at work, married a cheater and was a royal pain in the butt to her co-workers. When she told us her childhood things made sense. Last I heard she was exactly the same. Ran her husband off even though he was very sick. See what I mean? Get yourself to IC. Fix your issues and let her worry about hers.
[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:36 AM, Friday, September 17th]
To thine own self be true. Shakespeare
99problems ( Member #59373) posted at 5:32 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021
Your story is similar to mine in some ways.
It gets so much better when you divorce.
You get so used to carring that cannonball chained to your neck that you forget just how damn heavy it is.
Hoping the best for you going forward. Sounds like you are ready to live again.
Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,