Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Multi-year affair bomb dropped

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 RedSix (original poster New Member #79377) posted at 10:17 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

Not sure where to begin. Been together 12 years, have a 8 year old child. We call each other husband/wife, but I didn't want to get legally married due to my company. He isn't the type of person to have random sex, he gets very attached.

It started in 2018 when I found a one-way plane ticket charge to our credit card from Kentucky to Florida (our state). He travels alot to visit his fraternity brothers so at first I didn't think anything, but then realized it was flying someone to us, and not him flying out. Why would a man pay for another man to fly? Blew it off. We both have friends of the opposite sex. Figured if something had happened, it would fizzle out.

He started displaying signs of an affair, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", being angry, causing fights in front of our child, getting waxed, saying we weren't compatible, started using a passcode on the phone. In 2019, out of the blue, he accused me of emotionally abusing him and asked me to leave our home. I stayed with my sister for about a month while splitting time with our daughter. I moved back in. No explanation was provided by him.

His behavior calmed down. For the next 3 years I have struggled thinking maybe something was still going on, but never being able to prove it. I have Aspergers and in hindsight was very oblivious to the social cues here (naturally). Strange gifts started showing up at my house. On our Christmas, he wore a specific Maker's Mark t-shirt I had never seen. I googled it, and found it was only sold on their distillery tours. Where of all places? Kentucky. I asked "should I leave, do you not want to be together anymore?" He said "why would you leave?"

Finally on June 15, 2021, I found what I will only describe as an "online love shrine" to a woman. Tons of inspirational quotes about "love at first sight", "I will wait for you", "I only love you but you're not mine", pictures of hearts, flowers. Quotes about "long distance relationships". I was floored.

I confronted him, he confessed to having a "long distance affair". He said it was already over, they were just friends because they never get to see each other, she was taken, I was unavailable emotionally, etc. I wish that was it, but it's not...

It sounded believable. He hadn't traveled in a year. I made the rookie mistakes- I took him on a vacation. Lots of sex (as we have always had), tried to be more emotional, it seemed okay but he kept guarding his phone. My gut was going off and I stopped eating/sleeping.

The biggest blow was 2 weeks ago he came home from a "meeting", we kissed for a few minutes. Afterwards, I kept smelling something strange. The smell followed me everywhere. Suddenly I realized, I'm smelling vagina. IT'S ON MY FACE. It rubbed off of his face. And I knew, it was still happening and she must be local.

I had zero information, and could not get into his phone. From what little I knew, they were maybe messaging on SnapChat under fake names. So I decided to tell him I installed a keylogger in his phone and that it was in his iCloud and Snapchat account (I didn't). That caused them to switch over to text and I was able to establish a pattern of communication between them.

Next, I went about to expose the affair because I suspected from the inspirational quotes she was married. So I told him I had her husband's contact info (didn't really) and I would be contacting him. That caused them to freak out, he begged me not to, and he warned her as planned. She then made the fatal mistake of following me on Instagram. I clicked on that profile, saw that she did business in Kentucky but lived 15 minutes from us. Instantly knew it was her.

I kicked him out (even though it's technically his home- I split the bills), gave him a custody schedule, demanded an STD test, and contacted her husband this morning (luckily for me his resume with phone number was posted on LinkedIn, they also owned a business together so it was pretty easy to identify him). Within seconds he called me, and once getting the details responded in a sad voice "okay". That was it.

I have not heard anything from anyone the rest of today. What will happen?

Doubt the relationship is going to be saved. I'm worried me contacting her husband will lead to them divorcing soon, as it looks like he was "waiting for her". Her youngest child is in middle school. I fear co-parenting with this everyday for the next 10 years. I suspect he had asked me to leave in 2019 because he wanted to see if she would leave her husband & move in. She apparently didn't. I've been lashing out at him and he has had to ask me to stop. Disgusted that I allowed someone to be this close to me.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8687478
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 10:21 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

I like the way you are handling it this. He sounds like he’s been in an affair for years. How dare he do this to someone who cannot easily see what he’s up to. You take care of you and your child and let him go his selfish way. Look after yourself. Stress is not good for you.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:41 AM, Wednesday, September 8th]

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8687480
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 10:58 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

It sounds like you're doing great with this so far. Make CERTAIN that you are willing to follow through with any threat or boundary that you set.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8687491
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 11:12 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

You're doing things right so far. Keep up the good work!

I wonder if your Asperger's makes it easier for you to pull the trigger on things that need to be done, like kicking him out and contacting the other woman's husband. If so, that's awesome. Are you doing okay emotionally? Are you having any trouble with sleep or eating?

He needs to get tested for STDs, and so do you. Do you have an appointment scheduled yet?

I have not heard anything from anyone the rest of today. What will happen?

I imagine there's a come-to-Jesus meeting happening at her house. And your H is probably freaking out.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 439   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8687494
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survrus ( Member #67698) posted at 11:12 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

RedSix,

You are doing well I sure wasn't as level headed as you are.

The exposure will likely work it's wonders like this, the OW will see her comfy life disappearing, she will panic, when she panics she will blame your WH for everything. "throw him under the bus". Your cheating BF will attempt to patch things up with you as the fantasy affair turns into a nightmare.

Affairs are much better when they are not relationships with all the conflicts and difficulties real relationships have. The added stress of losing their reputations will add to the conflict.

There is a chance the affair will produce a great relationship that will make both cheaters happier, but it's about a 3% chance, there is a much higher chance that at least one of the cheaters will cheat again.

Glance down at your watch, take some deep breaths, and see how long it takes.

[This message edited by survrus at 11:13 PM, Tuesday, September 7th]

posts: 1039   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8687495
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Forks027 ( Member #59996) posted at 1:04 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I'm worried me contacting her husband will lead to them divorcing soon, as it looks like he was "waiting for her".

I fear co-parenting with this everyday for the next 10 years.

Here's a trick: every time this fear stirs up, just remember that he kissed you hours after stuffing his face into another woman's coochie.

Kinda sucks that that's not considered assault. The sheer vileness and audacity. I hope your husband/bf isn't the type who gets off on that.

Stay strong, OP. Stick to your guns and no contact.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 2:11 AM, Wednesday, September 8th]

posts: 262   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8687512
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 2:26 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I'm worried me contacting her husband will lead to them divorcing soon, as it looks like he was "waiting for her".

Please keep in mind that you are ‘losing’ a man who has cheated on you, and lied to you for years. Your WH and the AP are destroying two families and for what? He is not a "prize".

Turn your thinking around. The question you should ask yourself is why should you keep him?

The OBS deserves to know. And by telling him, like others have said, it will break their fantasies.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8687516
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 3:27 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Please keep in mind that you are ‘losing’ a man who has cheated on you, and lied to you for years. Your WH and the AP are destroying two families and for what? He is not a "prize".

Turn your thinking around. The question you should ask yourself is why should you keep him?

This.

He's treated you like dirt. Take him to task. Stand up for yourself 110%.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8687525
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 RedSix (original poster New Member #79377) posted at 3:37 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Thank you everyone. I'm not sure how to directly quote yet.

The Aspergers fortunately does enable me to detach emotionally/take decisive action, but also having a photographic memory is not so helpful.

Realizing I was the one being used for sex/money, and the AP was his "love relationship". Maybe I feel like he has been "contaminated" and "no longer viable" if that makes sense? Additionally he has attempted to take what belongs to someone else.

I looked at her social media accounts. She has several children and has been married for 20 years. Leaves comments to her in-laws. Recently posted a pic of their anniversary.
Therefore, I don't believe she will be willingly leaving her family for him. There's too much investment. She might be a very skilled cheater too, since they were able to hide this for years from both of us. I did notice they message at scheduled intervals initiated by her. There is intent and strategy behind it.

While everyone deserves to be happy if love is the case, it would just be difficult to co-parent with her considering an affair.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8687528
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:20 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I strongly suggest you focus on your legal issues for now. Irrespective of if you two reconcile or if this is the end of the relationship.

Things I would look into:
Does 12 years of living together and having a child create any legal assumptions or attachments that might affect division of debts/assets?
What would the process of you moving out of his house be? I’m fairly certain he can’t kick you out but he probably can have you evicted.
Guessing you took time off during pregnancy/birth/first year(s): Does that give you any right to financial compensation?
Custody? Child support?

You don’t need detail. Don’t need to retain an attorney and hand your WH a detailed exit plan. What you want is the knowledge to base your decisions on as well as a platform to respond to his possible future claims.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8687538
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:07 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

You should consult with an attorney to get custody and child support agreements in place immediately. Whether you stay together or not is irrelevant.

Either one of you can take the child right now and move - there is nothing stopping either one of you by law as you are both the parents.

Get some solid legal advice on those two things first. Just to know what you can and cannot do.

I hope that part goes smoothly for you. Once he finds out you have seen a lawyer it could annoy him.

And if it sends him running to the OW then he was planning on doing that anyway. He was just waiting fir the right time. Because that is how cheaters think and act. Pure selfishness.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8687544
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 RedSix (original poster New Member #79377) posted at 1:57 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Legal issues..thank you. I evaluated them during my pregnancy.

There is no common law marriage in Florida. Our salaries are the same, I own the cash funds and high-risk investment in private sector. He owns the conservative investments (home and public sector investments).

I am expecting an eviction notice the second AP leaves her husband. He won't do it before then because he can't afford the home on his own. Anticipating an emotional custody battle as well, I've already contacted an attorney. My child support will be heavy once my shares vest, and I will most likely end up supporting both cheaters.

This is why I am so nervous after contacting AP's husband. His reaction will determine how much time I have to prepare. It was the right thing to do though- it had to stop.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8687552
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 2:11 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

In that case, it would be best to consult with your attorney and decide from there.

In the long run, you can’t control your WH. They may end up together no matter what you do. Reading lots of stories here, I would guess the chances are small, but it’s possible. So you figure out what is best for YOU no matter what your WH does.

Their A is a fantasy. They get their « true love » without the diaper changes. When the A is exposed, it brings the cheaters to reality, and the reality is that neither of them are good life partners. You WH AP won’t be so perfect once he has to deal with her children, shared custody etc…

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8687553
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 2:13 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

You have more time to prepare than you think. More than likely the OBS will make things difficult on the housing front.

You last post is where I caught that you two are not legally married. I know laws vary from state to state, but is he considered the legal paternal father to the children? If not, there may be a need for a paternity test.

100% check with the lawyers on what is and is not allowed. Try to stay in the home for as long as you legally can.

You did do the right thing by exposing the AP to her husband. More than likely it's started a domino effect where the two cheaters are scrambling to keep up.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8687554
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 2:46 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

If the OW has a long protracted divorce that could bode well for you. Meaning they are nit running off into the sunset happily ever after any time soon.

You can shock him into reality by having your attorney hit him at the right time with child support and get him to forego "alimony" or support from you forever.

Divide the equity in the house / move on. Make it as simple as possible snd then let his future with the OW take its own course.

He may be on his own sooner than you think.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8687556
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 3:06 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

am expecting an eviction notice the second AP leaves her husband. He won't do it before then because he can't afford the home on his own. Anticipating an emotional custody battle as well, I've already contacted an attorney. My child support will be heavy once my shares vest, and I will most likely end up supporting both cheaters.

I suspect that forcing the issue and accelerating your separation will serve you better in the long run. The longer you stay the more money you are investing in an asset that belongs to him. I'm not sure you'll get a share of the equity at all unless there is some sort of contract in place. He can likely consider your portion as rent paid. You probably also want to get custody agreement in place prior to your investments fully vesting. He's still holding on to hope of waiting. If she is as invested in her family as you describe, he's likely going to be surprised when she clings to her damaged marriage over him. Moving quickly before he comes to that discovery will help. Since these laws vary by state you really need a legal opinion on what your best course of action is.

[This message edited by grubs at 5:01 PM, Wednesday, September 8th]

posts: 740   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8687559
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Fof9303 ( Member #70433) posted at 4:36 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I am so sorry that you are here and have to go through this pain like so many of us have in the past. Always take the high road when dealing with your significant other. This relationship will not last that he has with her--- it is a fantasy and not real life... time will show that to him. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your children. God Bless.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8687574
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 6:33 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

You have gotten really good advice so there isn't much to add except that I am amazed at your strength! Be sure to take care of yourself; plenty of rest (when possible), stay hydrated and do something good for yourself. I'm so sorry.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8687587
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 11:27 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I kicked him out (even though it's technically his home- I split the bills), gave him a custody schedule, demanded an STD test, and contacted her husband this morning

yas sis, be the inspiration


I suspect that forcing the issue and accelerating your separation will serve you better in the long run. The longer you stay the more money you are investing in an asset that belongs to him.

Please heed this advice. Confer with a lawyer asap to protect yourself. Is he the legal father? On the birth certificate?

You have all my sympathies & respect, I would’ve blacked if he came home kissing me with another woman’s punani juices on his mouth. The way you describe it, it was deliberate. The cruelty. Wishing the best for you please update.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8687792
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 12:48 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I'm worried me contacting her husband will lead to them divorcing soon, as it looks like he was "waiting for her". Her youngest child is in middle school. I fear co-parenting with this everyday for the next 10 years. I suspect he had asked me to leave in 2019 because he wanted to see if she would leave her husband & move in. She apparently didn't. I've been lashing out at him and he has had to ask me to stop. Disgusted that I allowed someone to be this close to me.

It sounds to me like the WW didn't want to lose her home deal. She's had plenty of time to leave if that was what she wanted. Chances are, she'll be busy scrambling to save her marriage and family dynamic... and more than likely, the OW will alienate your WSO in the process by clearly choosing the husband. That's not to say it can't shake out some other way, but from what your WSO has said, she really didn't want to get busted. You might give it a few days and then call the OBS again to see if he wants any proof. After that, it's out of your hands.


Been together 12 years, have a 8 year old child. We call each other husband/wife, but I didn't want to get legally married due to my company.

You guys have been together long enough that most jurisdictions would consider you common-law married. I do think it would be smart on your part to see an attorney. If you're making more money than he is, you'll want to protect yourself from a palimony suit, and if you're making less, you might want to bring one. You'll also want to solidify your custody and parenting schedule regarding your child. Don't be afraid to seek primary custody even if you allow visitation at 50/50. That way, you get to be the last word on decisions. You can also get a morality clause to keep the OW away from your impressionable child, at least for awhile. I sure as hell wouldn't be "co-parenting with this everyday for the next 10 years". I'd go for primary custody, give him visitation, establish child support, and have the last word on how my kid is raised.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8687809
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