Not sure where to begin. Been together 12 years, have a 8 year old child. We call each other husband/wife, but I didn't want to get legally married due to my company. He isn't the type of person to have random sex, he gets very attached.
It started in 2018 when I found a one-way plane ticket charge to our credit card from Kentucky to Florida (our state). He travels alot to visit his fraternity brothers so at first I didn't think anything, but then realized it was flying someone to us, and not him flying out. Why would a man pay for another man to fly? Blew it off. We both have friends of the opposite sex. Figured if something had happened, it would fizzle out.
He started displaying signs of an affair, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", being angry, causing fights in front of our child, getting waxed, saying we weren't compatible, started using a passcode on the phone. In 2019, out of the blue, he accused me of emotionally abusing him and asked me to leave our home. I stayed with my sister for about a month while splitting time with our daughter. I moved back in. No explanation was provided by him.
His behavior calmed down. For the next 3 years I have struggled thinking maybe something was still going on, but never being able to prove it. I have Aspergers and in hindsight was very oblivious to the social cues here (naturally). Strange gifts started showing up at my house. On our Christmas, he wore a specific Maker's Mark t-shirt I had never seen. I googled it, and found it was only sold on their distillery tours. Where of all places? Kentucky. I asked "should I leave, do you not want to be together anymore?" He said "why would you leave?"
Finally on June 15, 2021, I found what I will only describe as an "online love shrine" to a woman. Tons of inspirational quotes about "love at first sight", "I will wait for you", "I only love you but you're not mine", pictures of hearts, flowers. Quotes about "long distance relationships". I was floored.
I confronted him, he confessed to having a "long distance affair". He said it was already over, they were just friends because they never get to see each other, she was taken, I was unavailable emotionally, etc. I wish that was it, but it's not...
It sounded believable. He hadn't traveled in a year. I made the rookie mistakes- I took him on a vacation. Lots of sex (as we have always had), tried to be more emotional, it seemed okay but he kept guarding his phone. My gut was going off and I stopped eating/sleeping.
The biggest blow was 2 weeks ago he came home from a "meeting", we kissed for a few minutes. Afterwards, I kept smelling something strange. The smell followed me everywhere. Suddenly I realized, I'm smelling vagina. IT'S ON MY FACE. It rubbed off of his face. And I knew, it was still happening and she must be local.
I had zero information, and could not get into his phone. From what little I knew, they were maybe messaging on SnapChat under fake names. So I decided to tell him I installed a keylogger in his phone and that it was in his iCloud and Snapchat account (I didn't). That caused them to switch over to text and I was able to establish a pattern of communication between them.
Next, I went about to expose the affair because I suspected from the inspirational quotes she was married. So I told him I had her husband's contact info (didn't really) and I would be contacting him. That caused them to freak out, he begged me not to, and he warned her as planned. She then made the fatal mistake of following me on Instagram. I clicked on that profile, saw that she did business in Kentucky but lived 15 minutes from us. Instantly knew it was her.
I kicked him out (even though it's technically his home- I split the bills), gave him a custody schedule, demanded an STD test, and contacted her husband this morning (luckily for me his resume with phone number was posted on LinkedIn, they also owned a business together so it was pretty easy to identify him). Within seconds he called me, and once getting the details responded in a sad voice "okay". That was it.
I have not heard anything from anyone the rest of today. What will happen?
Doubt the relationship is going to be saved. I'm worried me contacting her husband will lead to them divorcing soon, as it looks like he was "waiting for her". Her youngest child is in middle school. I fear co-parenting with this everyday for the next 10 years. I suspect he had asked me to leave in 2019 because he wanted to see if she would leave her husband & move in. She apparently didn't. I've been lashing out at him and he has had to ask me to stop. Disgusted that I allowed someone to be this close to me.