First things first: I don't know why but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to post pictures to this damn forum!! I have tried uploading to Imgur, saving as a google doc and linking, uploading to facebook...it is simply not working for me, especially without providing a link to like the iCloud Photos that reveals my real name and information...
I am here today because I need to vent. I need some support. I have had several "good" weeks. Work is going really well; I am moving into my new apartment this weekend and am super excited about it! I spend at least two days a week with my new dog, Marley, before I officially adopt him from the foster family on October 21. I always come away from those play-dates refreshed and happy and hopeful for the future. My two best friends are flying in from out of state to visit me next weekend. I haven't seen them since March of this year - when I was first starting to have suspicions about my ex's infidelity. They've been great sounding boards and listeners as I vented all through the spring and summer and initiating the divorce. It'll be good to see them in person and hang out for a bit.
I am in therapy, and have found a great therapist that has truly been helping me unlock my grief. She has been encouraging me to sit with my feelings, to recognize that I have a RIGHT to be angry, to be frustrated, to be hurt, to be upset, and to feel this powerful sense of grief and loss I am experiencing. She has helped me acknowledge and admit to myself that what I experienced was exceptionally traumatic and that I can't let anyone--myself included--discount that or try and sweep its severity under a rug. I have kept so much in for so long...I still feel like I really need to have a good cry and let it all out. (Maybe I will find one of those "rage" rooms somewhere where I can just scream and rage and break a bunch of shit...)
So: I am writing today because after several good weeks, and feeling a bit better, I am suddenly (over the last four or five days), having waves of emotion, anxiety, and sadness crash over me. It is extremely distracting. I am losing focus, I am losing sleep (or unable to sleep altogether). I feel sick to my stomach...all those same feelings I felt during that limbo period between when I first posted here and when I finally told my ex I wanted to divorce.
And the weird thing is? I think the slightest thing triggered all of this - and that sucks. I have been 100% NC with my ex since the divorce was finalized. And I still am. Over the weekend, I opened up Venmo to send some $$ to my sister and on my feed appeared my ex's transaction to AP for "hotel + concert tix". My stomach dropped; my breath caught in my throat. I had forgotten to remove her from my Venmo contacts. And just seeing that transaction caused me to spiral a bit. Against my better judgment, I clicked on her name and saw all these transactions between her and Mark--dating back a LONG time.
But most painfully I saw that, three days after I moved out of the house to officially start my new life where I am now...she had also sent AP money for another hotel trip...this time she had put the City name where apparently they went to travel together. This is a city that was VERY important (I thought) to us when we were married. It was the city where we got engaged; where we traveled a lot together and made many fun, important memories.
I hadn't even been out of the house for three days and she was going to this place with...him.
My mind just started spiraling. They must have been planning this for weeks before; she couldn't WAIT to have me out of the house so she could openly start dating him - despite "dating" him for months prior to this, behind my back...I feel so FUCKING angry. During this whole summer, while our marriage was breaking down and I felt like my life was just falling apart, she showed so little remorse, so little emotion, or empathy for anything she was doing. And I know I am not ever going to get that from her. But it just makes me SO FURIOUS that she could be so cold...this person I thought was "my person", who I could love and trust - just threw it all away and had ZERO respect for me and couldn't WAIT to get rid of me.
I just felt like all I was to her was a roadblock that stood in the way of her selfish desires. And that thought/feeling really brought me down.
After that, my mind just kept going and going. I haven't been able to get her and AP out of my head, especially at night. Bad dreams of them together, or thoughts throughout the day of him being...in my old home; in my old bed; driving in the car we picked out together for her to buy early last year;...playing with my old dog. It just makes me SO SICK and I feel so shitty and worthless right now.
I know, I know. "Keep the past in the past" and "look forward to the future and keep moving on."
I am trying. I am trying. Every day I try. But goddammit I am fucking exhausted and pissed and so angry and upset at her. I am so regretful that I didn't YELL at her and make clear exactly how SHITTY what she did is. I am PISSED that she gets to enjoy all our favorite restaurants and bars together; I am furious that her new man has inserted himself as my old dog's new "dog dad"; I am angry that she just...fucking acts like nothing was happening and that she could get away with her deception.
I'm fucking ANGRY. My therapist has actually been encouraging me to be kind to myself, to allow myself to feel and express this anger in healthy ways. Cause I think for so long I was repressing the anger; trying to stay calm, cool, collected. I never yelled at my ex-wife while we were in the process of divorcing; I never showed her that anger. And I wish I had. But I can't change that now. I can move forward knowing that I have (and had) a justifiable right to be angry - and I will need to work on expressing my needs, desires, and boundaries in a more assertive manner going forward.
But for now. I am feeling shitty. This stuff sucks. Healing and processing grief takes....the time it takes, I guess. But it really is debilitating to feel like I was doing so well and then all of a sudden...BAM!...I get hit with these waves of guilt, sadness, anxiety...
Phew. That was a lot. I just needed to get some of it out. I'm open to advice, suggestions, encouragement, anything really. Thanks for being here everyone. I cannot express how much it has meant to me to have the ears and shoulders of such a fine, relatable group of people to lean on over the last several difficult months.