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Newest Member: ekit20

New Beginnings :
One chapter of my life closes; the next is just beginning...

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paboy ( member #59482) posted at 12:41 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Enjoy your life moving forward. Remember, it takes hard work. smile

posts: 613   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8688530
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oldmanchris ( new member #78645) posted at 3:49 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Heya CCB!

How have you been doing?

We demand pics of your doggy!

smile

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8690582
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 8:56 PM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

First things first: I don't know why but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to post pictures to this damn forum!! I have tried uploading to Imgur, saving as a google doc and linking, uploading to facebook...it is simply not working for me, especially without providing a link to like the iCloud Photos that reveals my real name and information...

Anyway.

I am here today because I need to vent. I need some support. I have had several "good" weeks. Work is going really well; I am moving into my new apartment this weekend and am super excited about it! I spend at least two days a week with my new dog, Marley, before I officially adopt him from the foster family on October 21. I always come away from those play-dates refreshed and happy and hopeful for the future. My two best friends are flying in from out of state to visit me next weekend. I haven't seen them since March of this year - when I was first starting to have suspicions about my ex's infidelity. They've been great sounding boards and listeners as I vented all through the spring and summer and initiating the divorce. It'll be good to see them in person and hang out for a bit.

I am in therapy, and have found a great therapist that has truly been helping me unlock my grief. She has been encouraging me to sit with my feelings, to recognize that I have a RIGHT to be angry, to be frustrated, to be hurt, to be upset, and to feel this powerful sense of grief and loss I am experiencing. She has helped me acknowledge and admit to myself that what I experienced was exceptionally traumatic and that I can't let anyone--myself included--discount that or try and sweep its severity under a rug. I have kept so much in for so long...I still feel like I really need to have a good cry and let it all out. (Maybe I will find one of those "rage" rooms somewhere where I can just scream and rage and break a bunch of shit...)

So: I am writing today because after several good weeks, and feeling a bit better, I am suddenly (over the last four or five days), having waves of emotion, anxiety, and sadness crash over me. It is extremely distracting. I am losing focus, I am losing sleep (or unable to sleep altogether). I feel sick to my stomach...all those same feelings I felt during that limbo period between when I first posted here and when I finally told my ex I wanted to divorce.

And the weird thing is? I think the slightest thing triggered all of this - and that sucks. I have been 100% NC with my ex since the divorce was finalized. And I still am. Over the weekend, I opened up Venmo to send some $$ to my sister and on my feed appeared my ex's transaction to AP for "hotel + concert tix". My stomach dropped; my breath caught in my throat. I had forgotten to remove her from my Venmo contacts. And just seeing that transaction caused me to spiral a bit. Against my better judgment, I clicked on her name and saw all these transactions between her and Mark--dating back a LONG time.

But most painfully I saw that, three days after I moved out of the house to officially start my new life where I am now...she had also sent AP money for another hotel trip...this time she had put the City name where apparently they went to travel together. This is a city that was VERY important (I thought) to us when we were married. It was the city where we got engaged; where we traveled a lot together and made many fun, important memories.

I hadn't even been out of the house for three days and she was going to this place with...him.

My mind just started spiraling. They must have been planning this for weeks before; she couldn't WAIT to have me out of the house so she could openly start dating him - despite "dating" him for months prior to this, behind my back...I feel so FUCKING angry. During this whole summer, while our marriage was breaking down and I felt like my life was just falling apart, she showed so little remorse, so little emotion, or empathy for anything she was doing. And I know I am not ever going to get that from her. But it just makes me SO FURIOUS that she could be so cold...this person I thought was "my person", who I could love and trust - just threw it all away and had ZERO respect for me and couldn't WAIT to get rid of me.

I just felt like all I was to her was a roadblock that stood in the way of her selfish desires. And that thought/feeling really brought me down.

After that, my mind just kept going and going. I haven't been able to get her and AP out of my head, especially at night. Bad dreams of them together, or thoughts throughout the day of him being...in my old home; in my old bed; driving in the car we picked out together for her to buy early last year;...playing with my old dog. It just makes me SO SICK and I feel so shitty and worthless right now.

I know, I know. "Keep the past in the past" and "look forward to the future and keep moving on."

I am trying. I am trying. Every day I try. But goddammit I am fucking exhausted and pissed and so angry and upset at her. I am so regretful that I didn't YELL at her and make clear exactly how SHITTY what she did is. I am PISSED that she gets to enjoy all our favorite restaurants and bars together; I am furious that her new man has inserted himself as my old dog's new "dog dad"; I am angry that she just...fucking acts like nothing was happening and that she could get away with her deception.

I'm fucking ANGRY. My therapist has actually been encouraging me to be kind to myself, to allow myself to feel and express this anger in healthy ways. Cause I think for so long I was repressing the anger; trying to stay calm, cool, collected. I never yelled at my ex-wife while we were in the process of divorcing; I never showed her that anger. And I wish I had. But I can't change that now. I can move forward knowing that I have (and had) a justifiable right to be angry - and I will need to work on expressing my needs, desires, and boundaries in a more assertive manner going forward.

But for now. I am feeling shitty. This stuff sucks. Healing and processing grief takes....the time it takes, I guess. But it really is debilitating to feel like I was doing so well and then all of a sudden...BAM!...I get hit with these waves of guilt, sadness, anxiety...

Phew. That was a lot. I just needed to get some of it out. I'm open to advice, suggestions, encouragement, anything really. Thanks for being here everyone. I cannot express how much it has meant to me to have the ears and shoulders of such a fine, relatable group of people to lean on over the last several difficult months.

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8691861
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:29 PM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

It was the city where we got engaged; where we traveled a lot together and made many fun, important memories.


After that, my mind just kept going and going. I haven't been able to get her and AP out of my head, especially at night. Bad dreams of them together, or thoughts throughout the day of him being...in my old home; in my old bed; driving in the car we picked out together for her to buy early last year;...playing with my old dog. It just makes me SO SICK and I feel so shitty and worthless right now

Truthfully her just plugging him in to replace you seems kind of sad. He'll have your shadows in his life for years if they even make it that long. Part of the reason A' relationships have a high failure rate is the brokenness is internal to the wayward. Then the APs come with the added resentment of what they wayward gave up. The respect of friends and family lost. The built in distrust of being with someone who is willing to be a cheater or with a cheater.
Keep walking your path. You really didn't lose as much as your wayward. She just doesn't realize it yet. You were the prize. Mark certainly isn't.

posts: 1371   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8691869
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 11:21 PM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

Sometimes this happens when we thought we have done everything and yet we forgot to remove them from one thing and all the pain starts coming back up again once you saw all those transactions of their dating history. This just goes to show you how shitty your ex-wife is. She was dating Mark when you were together now, she can do anything she wants with him openly since she's already single. What you can do is block her on Venmo too. You need to double check all your social media and other apps that you might encounter her.

Keep on moving forward, brother!

All the best!

posts: 404   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8691875
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 11:23 PM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

Cheese - if you have not dug into this yet, it might be worth reading up on. Your ex sounds like a Narcissist, just like her father. Take some time to read up on it, and if it sounds familiar it may be that your ex is a NARC, and you should be glad that you are rid of her. The reasons she was able to replace you soo quickly...... It might provide some insight for you.

As for your emotions, just know its natural and you'll figure out a way to deal with it. Its not fair, but you will see in the long run, you made the right choice and will be happier for it. It just takes time. Things will be better once you get into the new apartment, get Marley, and develop your new life. It just takes time. SO when you get upset, or feel down, take time out for that and just remember, its okay, and get back to moving forward.

posts: 1381   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8691876
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:16 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Your ex is broken, and most likely was from the moment you met her. Selfish and most likely a narcissist. You probably never saw it because you were in love.

Her relationship with AP will eventually implode - the vast majority of relationships born from A do so. At that point she might very well try to contact you to assuage her guilt. Stay strong snd don’t respond if this occurs.

posts: 577   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8691898
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 8:55 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Look into boxing gyms, highly recommend hiring a personal trainer and learning how to box. It’s exhausting, exhilarating, pumps you full of good feeling chemicals and the adrenaline from hitting crap really help diffusing the anger.

If mediation doesn’t work make it physical, in a healthy way.

They can make as many promises as they want, but if they don't put action behind it, it doesn't mean anything.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 300   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8691935
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 10:18 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Yup, it sucks, and it sucks bad.

Unremorseful WS tend to get on with their lives waaaay quicker than the BS, as they had already planned out their lives, which is one of the reasons why BS cannot seem to recover easily, as we did not have that luxury of planning ahead.

My ex-fiancee moved on and got married before I even had another relationship going! It was tough, but I felt that I had lost nothing, but gained a life without a cheater in it.

The saying 'If they can cheat with you, they will cheat on you' may come true with your XWS new 'relationship'. If her paramour has such a low moral standard, who is to say that he will not move onto another target later on, or she may be the one to find another target?

You had also informed your XWS family, and they are not too happy with your WWS, so that should also warm your cockles.

You have done extremely well to date, and things will still trigger you for a while, but after some time, they will not affect you that much, and some more time after that, you will possibly forget them altogether.

Just hang in there. You will get over this. I know you will.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8691936
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:53 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Don't try too hard to look (or be) happy if you're not ready yet. But don't try to be unhappy either. You've come a long way, and don't stuck in unnecessary thoughts.

The things you are angry about are already the reasons for your divorce. She was just like you described when you were married, you can't expect her to be different after separation and divorce. She's not doing this to piss you off, this is her reality for now, which we call the affaire fog. That's exactly what we were trying to tell you when you first came here, when you thought you could win her back by talking to her. She would understand and show you a compassion. No way.

Aside from the fact that the situation is already sad, I think you will approach it more calmly when you look at it logically.

You still think she's the same person, that's the main problem.If she had the traits you thought she had, she wouldn't have cheated on you anyway. But she's not the person you think you know, and you don't know what else she's capable of. If you see her as she is, the things she does won't surprise and upset you either.

Cause I think for so long I was repressing the anger; trying to stay calm, cool, collected. I never yelled at my ex-wife while we were in the process of divorcing; I never showed her that anger. And I wish I had. But I can't change that now.

No. This wouldn't change anything. Do you think someone who has a trip with her lover in mind would care if you get angry or shout at her? She would only use it to justify herself.

Don't regret not acting differently. You did the best. She didn't value you, and you showed her how easily you could give up on her. You were able to control your emotions. This shows how strong you are.

Don't think she's too peaceful either.

If she doesn't learn from her actions, she's the one who's going to screw up in life in the long run. She already screwed up, but she has a chance to correct herself as she matures. Part of it is that she regrets what she did to you. So you're either going to see that correction or she just keeps on screwing up. Either way, you have nothing to lose.

For you, it was a painful but instructive experience. You don't have to change anything about yourself as a character, you just have to be more careful with others.

You had the right to show your anger to her but turning your back and leaving is more meaningful than all the anger and curses. Like everything else, she just wasn't in a mood to care about that. Will she find out in the future? Time will tell. Not important if she won't. In the future, when you hear that she regrets a lot or see that she hasn't changed at all, and you don't care about both, then you are healed.

The person who made me feel those feelings years ago died 1.5 months ago. Of course, I wasn't happy about it, but I can't say that I felt much.

Btw, you can share it right here without accumulating anger or sadness in yourself. I was wondering how you are, but I didn't ask because I didn't want to force you to share, thinking that you prefer to stay away from here for a while. I'm sorry for your emotional state, but it was good to hear from you anyway.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8691943
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 6:13 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

@Hlaftime2017:

Cheese - if you have not dug into this yet, it might be worth reading up on. Your ex sounds like a Narcissist, just like her father. Take some time to read up on it, and if it sounds familiar it may be that your ex is a NARC, and you should be glad that you are rid of her. The reasons she was able to replace you soo quickly...... It might provide some insight for you.

Do you - or any other commenters - have recommended books/articles on this that I should check out?

@guvensiz:

Btw, you can share it right here without accumulating anger or sadness in yourself. I was wondering how you are, but I didn't ask because I didn't want to force you to share, thinking that you prefer to stay away from here for a while. I'm sorry for your emotional state, but it was good to hear from you anyway.

I really appreciate you thinking of me and caring. I greatly value the encouragement and advice you provide. You are so right - no anger I demonstrated would have done anything to change the actions and choices of a broken person.

I should post here more...especially when I am struggling with those feelings of anger/doubt/grief/sadness. I actually think having people check in on me and ask me how I am is really helpful, because it helps me hold myself accountable and really take an intrinsic look at how I am really doing. So - know that I don't mind that at all.


In happier news - I am moving into my own apartment tomorrow and I am super excited!! I have been buying new furniture, new wall art and home decor and it has been sitting in my parents' garage for a few weeks now...and I get to move and get settled in soon. I am so excited!

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8692004
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:57 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Cheese- YOu can find many resources including Youtube videos on the topic. The one place I've found helpful is Quora. Good luck

posts: 1381   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8692014
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balbichi ( new member #78736) posted at 7:34 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Your ex is an user. When she is done, she throws them away. Her AP would end up in a similar forum few years down the line. The difference between you and him is you are able to move on completely detached from her (no kids). I dont think he would be that lucky. By that time, you would have happily moved on with your life.

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2021
id 8692019
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 9:56 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Luckily there are a few well written informative books on NPD. There are some umbrella books which talk about NPDs and warning signs to watch for, how to either escape or confront etc but there are more tailored ones as well focusing on NPD partners, coworkers and parents.

Even though you’re free it I think you might find ones focusing on escaping NPDs in a relationship helpful because it’s likely to give you some validating "A-Ha!" moments.

▪️Freeing yourself from the narcissistic life (relationship one)

▪️Disarming a narcissist, surviving and thriving (general but awesome tools on how to spot them in the wild movin forward)

▪️Why is it always about you? (I liked this one because it talks about their lack of boundaries, mostly general but you can easily adapt it to an ex)

Start with those books and work your way from there. Don’t read too many back to back because it can trigger an overwhelming feelings of unfairness and anger. If you hunt ‘narcissistic personality disorder ‘ in Amazon many more will pop up. There is one called ‘The everything guide to NPD‘ but I found it more written for those with it than those coping with others who have it however if you’re a ‘need to know all the facts’ type then also give it a read.

They can make as many promises as they want, but if they don't put action behind it, it doesn't mean anything.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 300   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8692043
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:56 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

My XWH was diagnosed as what is called a covert narcissist. I found YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani and Dr. Lee Carter helpful. If you like more hippie drippy stuff, try Jesse Cabrera. Jill the Enlightened Target and Angie Atkinson the Queen Being helped, too.

Debbie Mirza has a book called The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist that has been helpful.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1498   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8692078
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:10 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Your anger is so legitimate and understandable. My XWH used to tell me what a horror show his ex-wife was. Supposedly she cheated on him and when they broke up, she stole his dog. He blamed her for his drug issues at a time in their marriage because she was so abusive. This so horrible ex-wife and I talk now, partly because this so horrible woman thinks it's important that my stepdaughter and I maintain a relationship. Just a terrible woman, right? She took the dog because he didn't take care of her. I took "his" dog because he didn't take care of him when I left and I discovered this when he asked me to come get him after I left. We had what I thought was a very happy marriage and I'm not remotely abusive, but 4 months before DDay he started using drugs. She slept with another man when they were separated and heading to divorce, so not so much cheating. He did drugs throughout their entire marriage. She never caught him cheating but now wonders about it. This man snowed me so hard into believing he was a genuinely sweet good guy and years later I wound up with a serial cheating crackhead. But guess who I am now? I'm "that bitch". I left him and took his dog. No doubt some other woman is feeling sorry for him right now because his two ex-wives were just the worst. He's a victim.

We were with some very fucked up people and that tends to lead to a lot of rage that needs processing. Mine got triggered after I left when I found out the reason one of his close friendships had fallen apart during our marriage. Apparently he texted sexually suggestive things to this guy's young adult daughter and she freaked out and showed her dad. I had no idea who I was married to. I'd been moving on nicely until I found that out, but that sparked weeks of rage. It's funny, I already knew at that point that he was a piece of shit and I had raged at him plenty before leaving, but it still fell on me in a blind haze of fury and outrage and feeling like a fool. It took me down for a minute for sure. That info told me he'd been cheating even longer than I had been able to prove, so that removed any thoughts that at one point, the relationship was real. Probably he cheated from the moment I met him until the moment I left him. I have to assume that, anyway, and that hit me harder than I thought it should have. Seeing how callous she is probably tells you something similar, that the relationship wasn't as real as you'd thought.

Time does help this. You'll reach a point where you won't care. You'll always care about the dog because let's face it, they're the best, but you won't care what she has going on and new info won't hit you like this. She'll become a bad thing that happened to you and you'll mentally write her off. You'll have a new life that doesn't involve her. In the meantime, let yourself feel the anger. Don't live in it, but don't deny yourself the respect of being angry about being treated so poorly. It will pass.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5052   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8692196
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:41 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

When you are angry and sad and overwhelmed by it, especially when it effects your sleep write her letters. Poor your feelings out on paper, and then when done, and repeat to yourself that she isn't worth the ash that is left. Doing this repeatedly will help you let the feelings out, and give them a voice, and thus heal.
It may need to happen a thousand times, but eventually you will get there. Don't bottle them up or try to ignore them.
You have been traumatized. You have healing to do.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19614   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8692278
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:47 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Ccb,

Haven't checked in on you in a while. Sorry about the pain. It does come in waves.

You have handled yourself like a champ, and continue to do so, really. It's like you got hit with an emotional semi truck and you're already jogging again.

Keep on healing yourself, and if you need to scream, just scream.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2174   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8693269
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Hey CheesecakeBaker,

It's been a while, how's it going? I hope everything is getting better.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8695032
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, October 14th, 2022

Bump

WW/BW

posts: 2958   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8759487
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