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No Empathy

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HardKnocks ( Member #70957) posted at 6:37 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I have great empathy for whatever feelings my H might have about my demands or prescriptions revolving around his betrayal.

So, he can have those feelings, process them, and then he better come correct. No room for nonsense around this subject. Never will be. There's no back and forth if he ever crosses that line. I am mindful of my reaction and how I express it. He apologizes, that's it. And if he crosses the line more than a few times we have bigger problems and I will make sure that is dealt with.

That's the way it is, he accepts those terms or he doesn't.

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month PA
My Ducks are Aligned and I'm Good to Go! :)

posts: 304   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8687973
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HardKnocks ( Member #70957) posted at 6:37 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Duplicate.

[This message edited by HardKnocks at 1:24 PM, September 10th (Friday)]

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month PA
My Ducks are Aligned and I'm Good to Go! :)

posts: 304   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8687974
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 10:15 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

1st wife said it well. I have no empathy. After 2.5 yrs why would he make a comparison to his AP? Why think of her?

You did well. He did not.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8688193
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 11:27 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

I made a comment about how big it was and his response was "That's what she said."

The fact that he said that makes my blood boil. What the ever living' F****! Empathy from you after bringing up that? And then he 'doesn't know' why you are upset? He DEFINITELY knows why you are upset, he SET YOU UP. He is toying with you and does not cherish you. If it was an innocent slip he would have been immediately apologizing, on his own, above and beyond what you even needed. He would have felt awful and would have made sure you knew it. And then turning it on you--- He is no good. Expect more of it. My guess is it is mixed in with other areas of your marriage as well.

There is not figuring out YOU on this one. This is all on him. Your empathy level is fine, there is nothing to empathize with here, he is in attack mode.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8688204
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Gracey ( New Member #79334) posted at 1:19 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Your post hit a chord with me as I believe I am going through something similar. The jokes they make are just plain hurtful and for me it just makes me think they have no real understanding of the pain they have caused us or a wish to take responsibility. My WH seemed to think it was a big joke and that he has just been naughty. I get told I am being over sensitive and like you have made passive aggressive comments when I am triggered out of pure anger. Its not helpful and I am finding it exhausting having to call him out on his disrespect as it is a pattern we have fallen into over the years.
I have told him I need real change now and there have been moments when real acknowledgement have come from him however it slips away again. I am not sure his EA is really over and until I get back real respect I will never heal. Hope you see progress soon

Together 33 years Married. 17 years

posts: 9   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8688253
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OneInTheSame ( Member #49854) posted at 6:18 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

I think you did well. I’m almost 6 years post d-day— and I would have come unglued!

I believe WH has things a little backward. Well, actually, don’t most waywards at this stage? I know mine lacked sensitivity for knowing what might be an inappropriate remark or response all too often, and it would shake me up every time. But the idea that there is anything concerning the affair that YOU need to exhibit empathy for? That is not only absurd, but it indicates a lack of empathy on his part ... once again making it all about him.

One thing for sure — I have empathy for you. (((Hug))) I’ve been there and still struggle with it once in a while. And honestly, if my wife ever let something that insensitive skip these days, I have given myself permission to come a little bit unglued. I’ve earned it!

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2483   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8688568
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 fournlau (original poster Member #71803) posted at 6:41 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

I was only saying he had a comfortable moment.

I don’t understand this at all. A "comfortable moment"? Look, I haven’t asked a lot from him. In fact, the only real boundary I asked him not to cross was to not have chats with women on his phone that I don’t know and am not friends with (he violated this btw, beginning of Aug.). So, you can see why I don’t see this as him getting comfortable. In fact, one of the biggest problems is that he is too comfortable. Comfortable enough to tell me that he is justified in crossing the ONE boundary I asked him not to cross. Excusing what he did. Hell, he didn’t even remember the boundary when he crossed it. Didn’t think about me at all and didn’t tell me about it until I saw the text messages pop up on his phone. Want to know what his first instinct was? To ignore it, try to delete it, not tell me. Does that sound like a man who should be comfortable enough to make a sex joke to you?

And repentance means I'll do anything, I'll tell you anything you want to know, I'll go to counseling, I'll do whatever it takes to repair the marriage.

So, yes and no on this for my WH. Yes he is remorseful, repentant? Not so sure. I mean, when I point something out that he’s done that makes me feel unsafe, he pushes back initially, gets defensive, excuses his behavior, accuses me of being too hard handed, asking too much, you get the picture. It normally takes about three conversations for him to see things from my perspective and why I react the way I do. In the last example of when he crossed my boundary, to him, it was "no big deal", because he knows he will behave. Unfortunately, I have no such trust in him. After all, he had a chance to do the right thing and tell me about his new "chat group" but instead, he tried to hide it. Wayward to the T. Again, it took about three to four conversations before he "got it". Got the fact that it was a BIG FUCKING DEAL to ME. I had to also make it clear that because he was still making decisions based on how HE felt, he was still not trustworthy.

Sign me up for the no empathy club. I’m nominating myself as the president.
I call this meeting to order!
Raise your hand if you don’t give a crap about the cheating spouse’s "feelings" at times. ✋
Raise your hand your motto is "you make your bed now lie in it" at times. ✋
Raise your hand if you still don’t do favors or errands for the cheating spouse ✋

Amen Sister! This last conversation we had he made a big deal about him already apologizing for crossing my boundary, to which I responded, "You have to realize, you cheated! And you need to resign yourself to the fact that you will spend the rest of your life apologizing and apologizing for the same thing over and over again! If you can’t, or won’t do that, then there’s no point in staying married." I also let him know that it wasn’t something he is going to have to do every single day of every single year for the rest of our lives, but there would be many instances where this would have to happen. He has a very difficult time apologizing. I don’t know why. Even when he genuinely feels it. Maybe he feels that it makes him weak, IDK. But I let him know that I need the words.


So, he can have those feelings, process them, and then he better come correct. No room for nonsense around this subject. Never will be. There's no back and forth if he ever crosses that line. I am mindful of my reaction and how I express it. He apologizes, that's it. And if he crosses the line more than a few times we have bigger problems and I will make sure that is dealt with.

That is a good way to deal with it. It's hard in the moment to not get angry and expect him to immediately do the right thing. Although I don't know why. He should be able to do the right thing at this point. rolleyes

If it was an innocent slip he would have been immediately apologizing, on his own, above and beyond what you even needed. He would have felt awful and would have made sure you knew it. And then turning it on you--- He is no good.

The problem is that his first instinct is to defend and deflect. This is something he is working on but that doesn't mean it's acceptable when he does it. I don't believe he did it on purpose. I also think he doesn't even think before he speaks. Yes that's a problem. We both know it.

The jokes they make are just plain hurtful and for me it just makes me think they have no real understanding of the pain they have caused us or a wish to take responsibility. My WH seemed to think it was a big joke and that he has just been naughty. I get told I am being over sensitive and like you have made passive aggressive comments when I am triggered out of pure anger. Its not helpful and I am finding it exhausting having to call him out on his disrespect as it is a pattern we have fallen into over the years.

I agree. He says he understands, but he'll never really know what it's like. How could he? He has changed a lot since the A, if he hadn't, I wouldn't be here. He also understands that just because he's trying, doesn't mean it will work out. But you're right, it's exhausting. I can at least say that things are improving, even if it's little by little.

One thing for sure — I have empathy for you. (((Hug))) I’ve been there and still struggle with it once in a while. And honestly, if my wife ever let something that insensitive skip these days, I have given myself permission to come a little bit unglued. I’ve earned it!

Thank you. And thank everyone who responded and sympathized. At least I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. I also have to give myself permission to get upset because sometimes I still feel like I have to be the bigger person, that I have to show empathy, that I have to STFU in order to not rock the boat. You get what I mean.

Again, thank you all for listening and giving me your feedback!

posts: 282   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8688623
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 7:20 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

My narc dad (who I cut ties with 15 years ago for reasons just like this) used to love to "joke" at my expense. And I got the same line of bullshit about how I took it wrong, about how he just couldn't understand what he said that made me SOOOOOO angry or hurt, about how it was somehow MY fault that he was an emotionally and mentally abusive asshole to me for my whole life. I bought into it for a long time. Then I decided not to anymore.

Color me crazy, but if it's a JOKE then both parties should be laughing at it. If only one is laughing, then it ain't funny.

Yeah, no empathy over here either.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8688630
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