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Reconciliation :
4th anniversary of DDay

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 Cornucopia (original poster Member #60372) posted at 5:43 AM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Hi guys

Tomorrow's the 4th antiversary of DDay.

This year, it's not the anger that's topmost. It's the sheer heartbreak.

I have been desperately sad, tearful, but not sobbing, for 3 days.

I know it's getting better. I am in a very different marriage to the one I was in on DDay. He stepped up, he's the husband I wanted for many years.

But this stuff still hurts. A lot. And the antiversary brings them back into focus. And I don't think I'll ever "forget" the date - it is also his birthday 馃檲

Anyone farther along the road able to give some hope that the sadness dissipates, like the anger has? Or any suggestions for processing it out of my system? (Yes, I do journal, before a certain person asks 馃構)

Thank you, either way, for listening.

BW, DDay 24/08/2017, the road to R is long and windy.

posts: 175   路   registered: Aug. 28th, 2017
id 8684856
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 6:09 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

I had my 7th Dday antiversary a little over a month ago. I can honestly say that THIS A season was by far the least traumatic for me smile .

I can only speak for ME...but my H had his A while working alone overseas. I had a finite time to when the A started and ended. I could practically tell how much time THEY spent together from the time stamped restaurant receipts...google timeline...etc.

I had put EVERYTHING into calendars I created in Excel...and years 1-3...I would go through EVERY DAY of A season like it was happening in real time. It was pure torture crying . On year 4 of the A season...I purposefully did NOT look at the "evidence". It was a little maddening at times...because I could still remember some things vividly...but for the most part I got through that A season relatively well. THIS A season...I looked back at the calendars...but more from a forensic type attitude. I actually found more information...information that had been there all along...and it helped me to put more things into perspective. By the end of this 7th A season...I KNEW that I had HEALED grin .

Oddly...my antiversary date is something we celebrate smile . On my 2nd antiversary...my H told me how he was happy on that date...because it was when we began our authentic marriage...we call it Mv2.0! NO more secrets...NO more lies from him. You can read more about it on page 13 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned to the top of this Forum smile .

I learned a long time ago that our thoughts dictate our feelings. I have been a HUGE advocate on here for trying to have POSITIVE thoughts to combat the NEGATIVE ones we have from being betrayed. MAYBE...for your antiversary...y'all can do something very POSITIVE that will maybe combat the negative thought from years past? With it being his birthday...you can make it a DOUBLE positive? This has worked so well for me in having something I can think about that will bring out the HAPPY feelings to combat the very SAD feelings that some days did. I HOPE this can be something that will HELP you too grin !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   路   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   路   location: Southeastern United States
id 8684928
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 6:22 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

The 17th anni just passed on Aug 2. I barely even thought about it. I'd say it took about 5 years for it to stop being so loaded. It might take a little longer for you, since it's tied to H's birthday, but it will get better. I promise.

Oddly...my antiversary date is something we celebrate smile . On my 2nd antiversary...my H told me how he was happy on that date...because it was when we began our authentic marriage...we call it Mv2.0! NO more secrets...NO more lies from him.

I love this! Reclaim the day!

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 6:23 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   路   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   路   location: TX
id 8684930
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 6:55 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

I think it is so hard for us to think there is something good in our relationship when the damage caused by infidelity is so profound. Best thing, that you know I'm sure, is to first acknowledge and process those feelings so you can release them and reduce the hold they have on you. Second is to try and remember the good things. Put this in perspective in the way that makes most sense to you. And always remember your value so take the very best care of your needs first.

It does get better. It is not possible to forget and therefore periods of sadness will definitely reduce themselves. I'm just about at 5 years out now. Sadness is still a part of my history but...the farther out I get the less impact these memories have even though the scar is forever.

Hang in there. I'm glad your WS has done the work.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   路   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8684937
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 Cornucopia (original poster Member #60372) posted at 7:00 AM on Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

Thank you, guys.

As always, the actual day has dawned without much trauma.
The family filed into our bedroom, we sang happy birthday to him, and then, a joy to my gardening heart, we had the first rain of Spring here in my corner of South Africa.

My gift to him is a week away with all 3 kids and grandkids, fly fishing, leavingin the next 2 hours or so. He can't wait, and the venue is a good place to rest and process for me too.

I think we're going to be fine.

And I am very grateful for the gentle handholding from SI.

BW, DDay 24/08/2017, the road to R is long and windy.

posts: 175   路   registered: Aug. 28th, 2017
id 8685092
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island31 ( New Member #61028) posted at 5:10 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Thank you for this post. I'm coming up on the 4 year d day and was feeling really down. I was thinking there had to be something wrong with me that these feelings were popping up again. I read something today that said when we experience something traumatic our body records parts of our environment in that moment as memories. So changing of the seasons, sights,dates, smells, etc are tied to that moment. It, along with your post was a reminder that we went through a lot and that time of the year holds a lot of weight. So thank you for making me feel a little bit more normal today. 馃挆

island31

posts: 3   路   registered: Oct. 12th, 2017   路   location: Washington
id 8687655
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Tanner ( Member #72235) posted at 5:54 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I鈥檓 at 2 years and doing pretty well with triggers and memories. However, I think I will grieve my M for many years.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else鈥檚 survival guide.

posts: 715   路   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   路   location: Texas DFW
id 8687663
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OneInTheSame ( Member #49854) posted at 6:09 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Our 6th antiversary is less than a month away. I so thought we would be in a much better place than this by now.

I chose to stay because my other choices were untenable to me: my health is poor and my wife has always been my caregiver. I don鈥檛 have the energy or resources to start over.

And I believed she would put in more effort.

She hasn鈥檛 broken her vows again. She is not in contact with her ex who was her OW. We haven鈥檛 fought in a long time. We are "out of infidelity" but I wouldn鈥檛 say were are reconciled. Resigned, maybe.

I don鈥檛 feel the "caregiving" that I used to receive. Before the affair she was so "on it" 鈥 making appointments for me, making sure I was ok. I have been in some pretty severe pain lately. I have multiple health issues, and they all seem to be crashing at the same time. I am often in tears, in so much pain sometimes I am almost unable to respond to her. I know she is quite aware of my pain, and I know she wishes that she could take it away from me.

And yet I still don鈥檛 get that comforting hug when I need it. I get a good-bye hug in the morning when she leaves for work, and usually one when she gets home. And good-night. Ticking the boxes. But where is it the offer to just hold me when I hurt, when I am in tears? This must all be wearing on her as horribly as it is me. And I am starting to fear it won鈥檛 get better. I know my health won鈥檛: my doctors have said so.

I pretty much have had to deal with her infidelity alone ... and now it seems I get to face this fight alone.

I am happy it is different for others. But I am disappointed that it seems that will not be my story. I think I would have been seeing it by now.

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2483   路   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   路   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8687665
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Luna10 ( Member #60888) posted at 2:22 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

My 4th dday anniversary is in 3 weeks. We鈥檙e in a good place outcome wise. Happy most of the times, our life is fulfilling. But I鈥檓 in a new spot where I am mourning the loss of trust and reliability which I don鈥檛 think I鈥檒l ever get back.

I鈥檝e spent the first 3 and a half years thinking that his efforts are a new form of gaslighting and his expression of love was what we call love bombing.

Recently I realised I don鈥檛 believe that anymore and I do believe he is truly in love with me and that his consistent efforts and massive communication changes and marriage new positive dynamics are genuine. I used to think I鈥檒l be healed once I believe in his actions and love.

I鈥檓 sad to have realised it doesn鈥檛 make much difference, the betrayal remains and lack of trust and lack of feeling he has my back are here to stay. I don鈥檛 think I鈥檓 cut to believe this was a bleep in our big marriage story. I truly believe (at least for the time being) that he is that person and his love and loyalty NOW doesn鈥檛 hold much value long term. I鈥檓 not saying he鈥檒l necessarily cheat again, I鈥檓 saying that he devalued any expression of love or loyalty coming from him.

The pain isn鈥檛 that raw anymore and all in all our life together is good, really good. Not what I wanted emotionally, not what I planned but鈥 it never is I suppose.

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1365   路   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   路   location: UK
id 8687691
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DaddyDom ( Member #56960) posted at 3:59 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

And yet I still don鈥檛 get that comforting hug when I need it. I get a good-bye hug in the morning when she leaves for work, and usually one when she gets home. And good-night. Ticking the boxes. But where is it the offer to just hold me when I hurt, when I am in tears?

I hope you don't mind some WS input. Infidelity trauma changes us radically, both the BS and WS. As a WS, after betraying someone else's sense of trust, joy and stability, it can feel disingenous to offer comfort to those we hurt.

Imagine beating the crap out of someone, and then offering them a hug afterward. It is hard to imagine why that person would even want a hug from us? It feels as if even a hug from a stranger might be better... at least the stranger didn't lie, cheat and betray them at their most vulnerable.

I don't say this as an excuse for anything, rather, to just try and offer some insight into the thinking and motivations (or anti-motivations in this case) of the WS. Hugging your betrayed spouse goodbye or goodnight is a different thing entirely, emotionally speaking. You don't hug someone goodbye because they are in pain, suffering and in need of human comfort and care. It's more a social construct. Again, you can hug almost anyone in the correct social situation, even a total stranger. But when comfort is needed... well, that's when the isue of "trust" creeps in. Most people don't feel comforted being touched by someone they fear, or hate, or mistrust. It has the opposite effect usually. Or no effect at all. But rarely is it comforting. We (WS's) know this, we can feel it when we reach for our spouses. We can feel the fear, the disconnect, the discomfort, the disbelief, the lack of trust, the judgement, the emptiness... that emotional chasm that exists after infidelity. And so our viewpoint of what is actually going to comfort our spouse, or just end up making things worse, becomes skewed and hard to determine.

I'll also add in this. If the WS has gotten to the emotional point where they actually start to "get it" and start to regain things like empathy and understanding... the experience of having hurt others so very, very much... changes our self-perspective. I know in my case, things such as my sense of humor have all but been destroyed, because I now question who I was before infidelity, and what my motivations were regarding humor. I realize that a lot of my humor really came from my need for others to love me, to see me as special and wonderful and someone they want to be around. But now that I am learning to love myself, and how to fill some of those needs for myself without relying on others... well, the needy, emotional well that fed my sense of humor is now gone. (To be fair, most of my sense of humor was typically sexual in nature, and no longer feels appropriate or funny anymore, given the circumstances). I am slowly learning what humor is in a world where it isn't fed by neediness. But I have changed fundamentally. I am a different person now. I will find my humor again when I find myself fully. Comforting others can be like that too. I want to make sure that the "reason" I am comforting someone else is because that's what THEY need, not what I need.

Your spouse may feel the same way? She might not think that comfort from her is actually wanted or helpful, and even if you tell her it is what is needed, she might question her own judgement on when it is appropriate, or if her offer of comfort will feel hollow and fake and empty despite her best intentions. Comfort without trust just doesn't feel right. It feels wrong in fact. I can tell you, I am just so sick of hurting other people, and will do anything (or not do something) to prevent my own failings from hurting others. Sometimes that can feel like "not caring" to others. To those who have hurt others however, it feels more like taking a wide berth around the gasoline factory when you know you're carrying a lit match. It isn't meant to be personal or uncaring, it just seems like the better idea. Especially when you've blown the place up a few times already.

My suggestion is to have an honest conversation with her. Ask her how she feels and what she thinks when she realizes you need comfort? Ask her if her own feelings are stopping her somehow? Explain to her your feelings, what you want from her, and what your conerns are as well. Be honest. You might want to let her know that you'd prefer the attempt at comfort, even if it fails. She might not realize that. Sometimes a failed attempt is better than no attempt at all. At least if she tried, you might not feel as if she doesn't care.

I realize that asking you to have this conversation is not really your responsibility, and I get that, so like all advice on SI, take what you need and leave the rest. However if you are comfortable with discussing this with her, it might help.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1156   路   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017   路   location: Marblehead, MA
id 8687713
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 4:10 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

This summer was my 4 year antiversary of DDay1.

The shock and awe of the pain has diminished. But the general sorrow for my blind faith remains. It no longer permeates my thoughts. But it is always an underlying current.

I'm not the same. Our marriage is not the same. I am always fabulous. Our marriage is very good. However, it will forever be tainted.

That loss of blind faith. That guts me to the core.

Now - reading this sounds a bit maudlin. I don't mean it to be. What we've built in the aftermath is good. I keep my resentment at having to do so much to myself these days. When I look at 20 years down the road I do see us together as a happy couple in our golden years. I see him as a good partner. I see and feel his love for me. What I now longer see is someone worthy of my blind faith.

As for processing it out of your system. I can share my tips and tricks. You will have to find what works for you. First of all - if you are sad let those tears flow. Rid your system of them. A good cry can be cathartic. Then do something for you. Take yourself on a date. I don't care if it is fancy and epic or just a cup of coffee at a cafe. I'm a cup of coffee gal - and I can't tell you how slowly sipping that coffee for 20 min soothes my soul. I stop at random ones and just sit and sip - mentally giving myself a break. It helpful. WOW did it get me through some rough times. I smile a bit typing this. I also wear my sparkly undies and make up on those days. I do usually every day but do so extra on those days. It helps me feel a bit more bad ass and bullet proof. Find what works for you and do it. Be your own special occasion.
I also crochet. It helps twofold. 1 - I can see something be created, something accomplished. Watching something grow from a ball of tangled yarn to a functional object is satisfying. 2 - you get to stab something with a hook and twist.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello鈥揗y name is Chaos鈥揧ou f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3264   路   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   路   location: East coast
id 8687718
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