Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
I just need to tell my story.

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 DeceivedInDetroit (original poster New Member #79302) posted at 2:01 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I signed up for some groups on Facebook that talk about infidelity, but I'm afraid to post there, as much as I need to get it out.

Why, you might ask? Is the other woman stalking me to see what I might be saying about her?

No, I am afraid she might be in some infidelity groups because she is apparently the betrayed partner.

She decided to contact me and tell me about the deep love she shares with my husband of seventeen years...and has been sharing for the past five years.

After all they have been through, after all she has done for him (?), he cheated on her. That was the last straw. Her three children are devastated. And she is, above all, a woman who lives for her children. They are completely angry and bereft that the man who they considered as a surrogate father, who called them "my son" and "my daughter" could have betrayed their mother like that.

Now, she has seen his true colors and has decided to do me the favor of informing me about what a bad, bad person he is.

For a few days, I had constant anxiety to the point where I went to urgent care to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack or COVID, because I couldn't catch my breath to the point where I was dizzy half the time. The doctor in urgent care told me I was not stressed, I was traumatized.

I wake up in the middle of the night from panic attacks.

My dear husband is on a business trip and I persuaded that humanitarian mother of the year to wait till he comes back because I have realized that I have been gaslighted so bad that he completely believes I have no clue. He will continue to gaslight me unless I can force a meeting where I can confront him. Because I had suspicions all these years but no proof.

I went to the extreme of buying vehicle trackers for our vehicles because I can envision that he will cop to being with her at one time, but it's long over. This is what he will say once I have him cornered. I am sick from thinking I will have to go through this bullshit. I'm going away on a businss trip when he gets back and I will watch my vehicles go to her home. This way, when he tries to gaslight me again, I can just show him the history from the app. I can't take it, after all that he has done, that I will have to go through this confrontation, in which he will lie, deny, abuse, shame, and belittle me.

All the quarrels we had, because I was a bad, crazy unreasonable person-they all make sense now. All the nights I sat home alone because he was working...a city I moved to for his job opportunity...a place where I have no friends and no family...I left my beloved home and sat alone, and was insulted and berated for complaining. He has gotten worse and worse over the past few years. And now I know why.

The promises he made to her over the years are chickens coming home to roost. She is ready to buy the nice house in the country. Take real vacations, not just shacking up here and there in local hotels. Get the engagement ring she can't get because I'm in the way. Go to any bar or club she wants, instead of sneaking around.

What she doesn't know, and what I know now, is that she is not the first, nor even the third. What he doesn't understand is something I told him very clearly once, when we were arguing: people who know me, realize that when I stop crying, when I stop shouting, when I stop fighting, I get calm, I slow down, I say, "OK, that was the last time. There will be no more begging, crying, fighting. Next time, I'm walking away. Do you understand?" My friends know that this is when I mean business. But I'm dealing with someone who never got to know me well enough to understand this. He just said, "OK." Because he thinks that he is a made man after all these years of cheating.

She thinks she is in a win-win situation. Either she will get her man or she will ruin his life. This tiger mom (I asked her to explain the contradiction of being all about the kids and banging another woman's husband in their midst, but she dismissed this question as absurd.) and my amorous husband are going to chew one another's faces off when the shit hits the ceiling. I also know that when I put them together, he will turn on me for sneaking around, for spying on him, for not believing or trusting him, and you name it.

I cried for years and years. Right now I am calm. I am still. I am the eye of the storm. In college, I was a judo player. The first thing you learn in judo is how to fall. The second thing you learn is, never underestimate your opponent. The third thing you learn is that fighting means using your opponent's force against them. You don't use force. You use their force and merely direct it in different directions. The next thing you learn is, the person with the best technique always wins, because technique and patience win over force. I have come to realize that the quiet mind of judo is still with me and I have some damned good technique. After years of crying, I am busy setting up the dominoes so they all fall in a row. I am going to try and get the OW to set up a date with him in "their" restaurant, and hope that they sell t-shirts there, because I want a souvenir of the moment I took my life back and lost 182 unwanted pounds, all in one moment. Arigato.

Qui vole un oeuf, vole un boeuf.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8684463
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pearlamici ( Member #67631) posted at 3:05 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Holy sh*t. You are not to be f*cked with. Keep this power and unleash as needed. But keep your eye on the prize. Your children and yourself. Stupid bitch (OW) only feels the need to let you in when she’s dissed. Stay here (SI) and vent. So many other bs sites out there. You got this.

~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~

posts: 437   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2018   ·   location: NY
id 8684469
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 4:28 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I will have to go through this confrontation, in which he will lie, deny, abuse, shame, and belittle me.

Well you don’t need to prove to him that he’s cheating, he already knows that. What you need to do is get out of infidelity. At a minimum, talk to a lawyer to know your rights, and get tested for STDs.

If your WH lies, denies, abuses, shames and belittles you, you can’t reconcile with that. As long as he’s doing that, you should get out of infidelity by walking the D path.

You take care of YOU.

Post often, you have been heard.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8684474
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Ariopolis ( Member #75786) posted at 6:33 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I am going to try and get the OW to set up a date with him in "their" restaurant

Please think twice about involving her in your plans. She is not your friend. Chances are she will make up with him and you will again be their common enemy and the outsider looking in. Do not give her any insight into your mind or your marriage.

She is not your friend.

posts: 140   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8684479
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 6:46 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Deceived -
I’m so sorry you’ve endured the abuse inflicted by your husband for so many years. Congratulations on hitting your limit & deciding enough. I’m posting to support, Other experienced posters are better suited to give advice.

OW is a piece of work! I caution against "teaming" up. You can’t trust her. She’s and unhinged loon will sell you out. I understand the desire to confront, but your WS could be presented a video of him having sex with AP & still deny it. Please be careful. Regardless, WS’s severely under estimated you. Take care of yourself! See a doc for your difficulty sleeping, hydrate, eat healthy, drink nutritional shakes, take vitamins & do physical activity. You’ve got this. Can’t wait to hear more of how you take him down 😎

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 185   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8684483
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 7:03 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Can't wait for the update. I hope you get him this time. A calm mind always win!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8684484
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rugswept ( Member #48084) posted at 10:06 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

You do know that a fantasy plan that involves more than you probably won't succeed (the attempt to match these two so they can maul each other and then you get them both). There's no real way to plan for this OW isn't in this to play your game, she's in it to play hers. After all, she thinks she's dedicated years of loyalty to this lying cheating POG.

You have the facts. He was living a double life as a lying, abusive disgusting cheater. He lied to her just like he lied to you. She'll lie to you as necessary as well. Be careful, that momma bear with the three cubs is wounded and is out for revenge. Yes, she's a rat cheater trash girl and cornered rats are dangerous, remember that.

See your attorney, now, with a total list of all assets and liabilities in the M. Get that started now so you'll be prepared to end this on your terms. And yes, your judo training will guide you on how to act.

You're right about FACEBOOK infidelity identification. It's wide open 80% of the time on finding true identities. We can be truthful and open here due to the anonymity.

Good Luck. We wish you well. (In this case I almost feel sorry for that poor bastard for what's about ready to hit him).

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8684519
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 11:38 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I'm sorry your husband betrayed you.

Do you have kids? If so, how old?
Who is the OW? Is the OW someone that he works with?
Will your husband lose his job for adultery?

There's nothing you did or didn't do that could prevent a cheater from cheating.
Among other things, in the context of marriage, he is: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacks empathy for you.

Visit your doctor and get help with anger/anxiety and sleeping. They have heard this story before and can help you.

Before you leave town visit your attorney.

If you want more evidence of infidelity, hire a PI.

If he runs right over to visit her you'll only need the PI for a short time.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8684520
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:57 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I am so sorry for you. I understand your pain and your suffering.

I would like to make a suggestion. If you truly plan to D him, why do you feel the need to confront him? You don’t need an elaborate scheme.

You need to be lightning. Strike and move on.

If you know he’s going to lie and gaslight— why waste your energy? Get yourself exit plan, serve him the D papers and go no contact.

His head will spin and he will try to "explain" everything but you are not obligated to speak to him. Or see him. Or engage except when it concerns kids and money.

Tell him to have his attorney call your attorney.

I told my H I was D him in three short sentences and left the room. It was not a discussion. He had no standing over me or kids. He had no power or control. I cut him off 100% in being able to say anything.

I suggest you do the same. Anything else is a complete waste of your time.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8684524
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:43 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

If your plan is to give him D papers while he's on a date with her, I am all for that. Take your power back whatever way you seem fit as long as it's safe and legal. Let us know how it goes!

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8684582
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 5:28 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

You don’t need to prove anything or get him to admit anything to serve him with divorce papers. Just serve him.

I assure you that you could catch him with his dick in her and he will still try to make you feel crazy. So why make yourself miserable?

You will never get the satisfaction of an apology or an acknowledgment of his transgressions. Your decisions going forward, your healing, and your future happiness should not be contingent on that.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8684594
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 DeceivedInDetroit (original poster New Member #79302) posted at 5:46 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I am new here and I don't know how to reply to individual messages. I thank you all for your support and for giving me things to think about. I already discussed this with our family lawyer, who referred me to a divorce attorney. I will meet with him on Tuesday. Appointment scheduled with the gyno for extensive testing.

We have no children...although now I'm pretty sure he has some, somewhere...no house, and the lion's share of our assets are in my name alone. Why? I am the person who can be trusted, no matter what. I hold all the cards. This is why it's really inconceivable that he would take up with this loose cannon who lives mere blocks from our home and business.

The OW works in the bank that holds his business accounts, and I think that's where she got my phone number so she could start calling and texting me. I am sure that some other people know, and that's what has me full of anxiety. I have to go in there several times a week, and although I do not see her, I know they know. She told me as much, and I know they are watching me for signs that I am falling apart.

People have advised me to just walk away, but right now I need to confront them both. I have been so deeply gaslighted that I need to try. I may change my mind about it. But that's where I am now, and I'm setting it up so I can come back here, or not, as I want. The game is in my hands.

The funny thing is that I sincerely love my husband and I know he not only loves me more, he depends on me totally. However, there are things that you just don't do to friends and people you love, and there are things you do and don't do in a marriage. I used to think that one day he would come to his senses, that things would change. I used to believe him, that once this or that had gotten done, we would be on to our own things, like a family or buying a house. Or even spending more time together. There have always been excuses. None of that matters now. In fact, I exhausted myself with crying, pleading, hoping, wishing, trying to please, working harder...everything I could think of to earn things which were my right and I shouldn't have had to even think of earning. Things which, in some sense, were freely given to other women.

Shakespeare said in a sonnet, "Love alters not when it alteration finds." I love my husband and will always love him, but that does not give him license to behave as he does. He was able to separate his love for me from the fantasy life he built with this other woman, and that knowledge has given me courage to do likewise: I can separate my love from what it is I need to do. But in my case, it's also my right.

The fact that he has taken such liberties with this situation shows me that he really believes I have been so completely and totally gaslighted that there is no possibility that I will find out and leave him. This time, he has been so careless with both the location and the kind of person he chose to deal with.

The hurtful things he said to her about me, which I totally believe, are running off me like water off a duck's back. Partly because I heard him say the same things about his last affair partner when I discovered their liason, which he still maintains was his friends setting him up with lies because they wanted to break us up.

The thing that really hurts is that I was always desperate to have children, and there was always some reason why we couldn't do it at that time. I needed some kind of treatments, and he always wanted me to wait. I wanted to adopt or have a surrogate, and he would agree, and I would ask him to sit down and discuss each of those so we could make a decision, and he was always too busy for that. Now I know that I was sitting home alone, and he was playing surrogate daddy to another woman's children. That's what really hurts. But it's also a wake-up call.

I have a child from a previous relationship who is now an adult. I will be focusing on that child and taking everything I can get my hands on, going back to my wonderful home and my own people and trying to enhance my own life and the life of my child. I will be among people I can trust because I have been able to trust them my whole life, and I will not have to feel like I am on display for others to mock behind my back. I will not have to feel like an intelligence operative who knows they are in the fishbowl and who just has to finish the mission successfully so they can get out in one piece.

As I said, as of right now, I want to confront them both. It has been said by some here that they will both turn on me. That's fine. I still control the majority of the assets and my hands are impeccably clean, when it comes to everything whatsoever: honesty, morality, fidelity, even religion, if you want to go there.

When I started this journey that began at discovery, I felt guilty for sneaking around, visiting lawyers, pretending that everything was fine, business as usual. But then I realized that these things are my legal rights. I am not sneaking around. I did not betray him and I did not destroy what we have built. He did this with his own hands.

I am preparing for my business trip as if I will be leaving here for the final time and we shall see whether I ever come back. Right now I'm keeping my options open and can choose either when the time comes. It says a lot that after living in this city for almost ten years, I have nothing important that can't fit in the trunk of my car.

Qui vole un oeuf, vole un boeuf.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8684597
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

The absolute first thing I would do is make an appointment with the bank manager and tell them that their employee is having an affair with my husband and used information from my account to harass me.

Then I'd give them the choice of losing my account or firing the OW.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 439   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684617
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justabrokendream ( Member #3075) posted at 8:54 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

The first thing I would do after being tested for STD's is consult with a lawyer and get the Hell away from the drama. As far as trying to set up your fantasy of getting the two together - bad idea...

posts: 480   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2004   ·   location: CA
id 8684618
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 9:35 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Why confront the OW? What will it bring you?

Think about the outcome you want to achieve. What is in your best interest?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8684620
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Shockedmom ( Member #44708) posted at 11:15 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

13yearsR has given you a huge tip. Going to the bank and letting them know an employee has used confidential information should be a career killer for her. It is deserved.

posts: 1059   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8684636
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redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 12:51 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

The absolute first thing I would do is make an appointment with the bank manager and tell them that their employee is having an affair with my husband and used information from my account to harass me.

Then I'd give them the choice of losing my account or firing the OW.

This advice from 13YearsR is the best you're going to get. Use it like a knife in the guts to them both.

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8684678
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 DeceivedInDetroit (original poster New Member #79302) posted at 4:46 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

In answer to previous posters, the OW claims she got my number from his phone, which is nearly impossible. For one thing, he keeps that thing closer than his di*k, and secondly, if she had gone through his phone, she would know certain things that only he and I know. And they're things she would have brought up for sure.

Qui vole un oeuf, vole un boeuf.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021   ·   location: MI
id 8684702
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:52 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

File your complaint with the bank manager and the corporate offices and the State Banking Authority.

This is a violation snd just letting the branch manager know may not be enough. Letting the state banking authority know of this breach of ethics will FORCE the bank to take action.

This violation could result in the bank paying fines for this breach. And you may be able to proceed with a potential lawsuit for her violations as well.

Simply allege she used the company information to harass you. And have a record of calls. Once she is fired - and she should be - that will be your payback.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:24 PM, Saturday, August 21st]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8684711
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 7:02 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Your husband is a horrible person as is the other woman. In addition, the other woman appears to be nuttier than a Snickers bar.

If you want to try to pull off the plot to out him in the restaurant, I hope it works out. I am not sure what the benefit to you will be, and I doubt it will play out as planned.

Good luck to you with the plan.

I think getting prepared from a legal standpoint and busting her to the bank and whatever regulatory channels there are is your best bet.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8684718
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