Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Questions for the betrayed who've healed

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psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 1:31 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

GraceLoves, I am very sorry you are in this situation. Discovering our partner's affair is horrible enough, but then to find that they are still in contact with the AP and continuing to lie to our face can take us to a whole new level of earthly hell. I think you have a good handle on this. Your H is a broken, weak man who is conflict avoidant and so emotionally unaware that he can't figure out what you need to begin the process of rebuilding trust in him.

You can see what he needs to do, and want so badly for him to have some lightbulb moments. If he's not in IC, he needs to be. My H saw several therapists over the first 3 years after I stumbled upon his double-life. Your H also needs to do whatever is in his power to get AP out of his life. I outed the A to their coworkers, bosses, anyone whose email I could find in those early days. I didn't give a thought to whether he got fired or not, which may not work in someone else's situation. My H told me he didn't end the relationships with his 2 PAs out of fear they'd retaliate by contacting me (who knows if this is true or not, but at this point, meh). As soon as I discovered I contacted each of them so they knew I was completely aware of everything.

My point is that he may be believing his own lie that he's not dumping her from his life completely out of fear she'll do something crazy. Let her. Any legal things you can do to protect yourself are warranted to protect yourself, but ultimately he has to find his balls and cut her loose. Maybe IC will help him figure out where this fear comes from. But in any case, as others have pointed out, this really is about YOU. I made it out of this, but it took probably 4-5 years for me to really feel normal again. And my H remained pretty solid throughout that time; I just wrestled with myself over many of the same concerns you've expressed. Was I betraying my own values? Did I want to live a life with someone I know was capable of developing feelings for someone else while lying to my face? Processing it all takes time and a lot of time bouncing thoughts around your head. I had a therapist at the time who told me sit quietly and follow the threads of my thoughts to see where it took me. I think that advice helped me finally work myself out of my own head.

You can't find peace in this relationship until you're 98%+ positive your H is a different person than the weak, psychologically and emotionally immature person he was to allow him to take the path of manipulation, lies and betrayal. He has a lot of work to do on himself. As do you. I thought for a long while that peace in my mind would only come if I divorced my H and put this behind me. But I've found that I do have peace again; it just took me many years to quiet the incessant thoughts in my head. I wish for you peace, GraceLoves.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 8684522
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HUM1021 ( Member #6222) posted at 2:01 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Put on big boots and stomp around everywhere.

You are asking about how to pretty-foot around things.

Don't do that. Grab him by the lapels and tell him that he has a problem and that he is going to change.

I wish you well. But you asked for advice. This is mine.

Me: BS 34
Her: WS 33
M 5 years
dday with 1st OM 4/30/04 EA/PA
dday with 2nd OM 12/11/04 EA/PA
on the reconciliation rollercoaster

posts: 812   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Colorado
id 8684654
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 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 5:40 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Thanks so much everyone. I'm so tired right now, I've just taken a day for peace and quiet

He's the king of apologies, tears and "I love yous" but he's still not getting it.

I am thinking I'm going to leave, at least for a while, to figure out what I want.

I wish he was doing / thinking / feeling everything I want and need but he is not.

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684707
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 2:38 PM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

So this,

I wish he was doing / thinking / feeling everything I want and need but he is not.

And that's the really difficult aspect of healing from this. It takes so long for many WS's to "get it" including mine. The worst part is when they are apologetic and full of sorrow and we realize all of that is not believable because it is still about them and not us.

That's why it is good you are taking time for you. The best message you can give him is to show him that working on you is most important - it shows him the value you place on you and therefore he must place on you.

We so want to fix this - to fix them - to go back to what we thought we had. Understanding that we cannot and that we must change to make sure we do not remain their victim is beyond frustrating because it was not our choice. You will be able to turn this into growth for you. You will be able to heal. You will find the strength you need to be happy again and to love again. Hang onto that as you take this bumpy ride and know that you've got a community behind you as you take your necessary journey.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8684783
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 2:38 PM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

So this,

I wish he was doing / thinking / feeling everything I want and need but he is not.

And that's the really difficult aspect of healing from this. It takes so long for many WS's to "get it" including mine. The worst part is when they are apologetic and full of sorrow and we realize all of that is not believable because it is still about them and not us.

That's why it is good you are taking time for you. The best message you can give him is to show him that working on you is most important - it shows him the value you place on you and therefore he must place on you.

We so want to fix this - to fix them - to go back to what we thought we had. Understanding that we cannot and that we must change to make sure we do not remain their victim is beyond frustrating because it was not our choice. You will be able to turn this into growth for you. You will be able to heal. You will find the strength you need to be happy again and to love again. Hang onto that as you take this bumpy ride and know that you've got a community behind you as you take your necessary journey.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8684784
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 5:51 AM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

He's the king of apologies, tears and "I love yous" but he's still not getting it.

Of course he is. He's waiting you out. It's just an act to get you to believe that he is remorseful.

He is lieing and he is a liar. And a cheater. And pulling all the stops to get you to break down and give into the idea of allowing him to keep her around.

This is who he is. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

I am so angry for you.

He can't wait til he gets back to as he prefers to call her "psycho" to resume his A with her. Why else wouldn't he get rid of her? I'm not buying into his weak, lame excuses. They are as weak as he is.

I am thinking I'm going to leave, at least for a while, to figure out what I want.

Yes, please do it. Maybe for good. Separate yourself from him so that you can begin to feel better about yourself and also get some clarity.

Have you considered going NC with him since you are leaving for awhile? I hope so.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 5:54 AM, Friday, August 27th]

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8685680
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swatter555 ( Member #60555) posted at 8:25 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

I totally understand this notion that you want him to "get it". However, I don't that is a realistic expectation. I have found that the same mechanisms that have the WS destroy the marriage are the same mechanisms that prevent them from properly fixing it. I do believe that people can change, but the chances any individual person that commits infidelity can change enough to truly re-create a stable marriage... those chances are not good.

You are asking many questions, but you said what I think is the most important thing- kids and finances are not a consideration in your case. That is your Rosetta Stone. I could write you a 10,000 word essay on why you should divorce under these circumstances, but the short answer is that R isn't remotely worth it from the perspective of a BS without children or finances to worry about. The years of pain and anguish ahead of you if you attempt to R is not worth it. Maybe your husband is one of the few who truly changes the broken things inside of them that caused them destroy you for pleasure and ego. How much are you willing to suffer for that gamble? I you choose to R, I hope you have a tremendous capacity to suffer over the span of years.

I hate to cut to the chase with zero foreplay, but unless your husband is especially insightful and self-aware, his process of becoming the man you need him to be is going to be long and torturous for the both of you. If he was already insightful and self-aware, you wouldn't be here.

Your chances of finding a fulfilling relationship with another man are many times greater than actually fixing the broken mess you find yourself in. I hate to be such a blunt instrument here, I really do. I wish you the best of luck.

BS 44
WS 39
DDay July 15,2017
DDay 2 August 9, 2017

posts: 285   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2017
id 8688575
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OneInTheSame ( Member #49854) posted at 9:55 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I could have written most of your post. And you have some amazing responses to mull over.

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2483   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8688723
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 10:01 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

the short answer is that R isn't remotely worth it from the perspective of a BS without children or finances to worry about. The years of pain and anguish ahead of you if you attempt to R is not worth it.

This statement displays a misunderstanding of R, but iIf that's how you feel about R, my reco is to D ... or to change your thinking about what R can be.

R won't work unless both partners want it and are willing to work for it. If you don't think the payoff is worth the effort, I don't understand how you can succeed in R.

Remember: R is not just staying together. It requires building a new relationship built on honesty. If both partners aren't honest, R won't work.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26008   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688844
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